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 On top of everything else, i still have my old place (luckily) after getting kicked out/broken up with for the third time in 3 and a half months. I have no job, no money, no gym membership, gave up my dog to move with her, no drivers license, need to get back into AA, didnt drink the first 2 weeks after the breakup but now ive been drinking heavy the last two, during which time i broke NC ofc.

Its over two days of NC now and i know what i need to do, and what i have to do, yet im sitting here praying for her to call. You would think with everything i have to do right now, that she would be the furthest of my concerns.

Didnt know anything about BPD till this last breakup, and during the last one i believed everything she said, as far as hating me and never loving me ect, so me thinking that id never see her again, had a fling with another woman, who was willing to come back to me again this time, and apparently will do anything for me already (red flag, no way i can get involved regardless, cause im damaged right now badly). As we all know, this was unfulfilling and also unfair to her on my part, and is making me want my ex even more.

Looking back, my personal situation, when it was a LDR, didnt leave her with any control, but once i moved in with her, thinking i was gonna get all my issues sorted out while we were together, gave all the control to her.

Sort of noticing that when i managed the relationship successfully, i was doing it inadvertantly.

Tomorrows a new day, guess i gotta get out there and focus on all my own issues and try to forget about the past, but its so tough  folie

One day at a time Blurry... .  

Do you have an AA sponsor you can call?

 Ive always been resistant to the twelve step plan, and getting a sponsor, but i know ive been able to successfully stop drinking for extended periods of time, cold turkey (i know thats not recovery). At least getting back to the meetings tomorrow i think, no more excuses. Had stopped drinking back in Oct after a week long binge following a breakup, and was attending meetings again, but that ended after her recycle and us going out on her birthday three weeks later. Ofc she got drunk to where she was puking and passed out once we got home (and again 2 weeks later, the next time we went out) and i stayed sober, although i broke my sobriety (i kept the drinking to a bare minimum, almost nonexistant, the last run except for the last night when i knew it was over). Guess who got called an alcoholic and told that she wished i would die in a drunken car accident, at the end of this last breakup.

This is coming from someone highly functional who has 5 kids from 3 different men, and also who mixes pain meds, depression meds and weed in with the alcohol. And with that being said, i love her with all my heart. Really gotta focus on fixing myself and reminding myself thats best for me, and for any possible relationship with her, although i strongly feel its over for good this time in her mind. In mine, idk what im thinking exactly.

Blurry,

I really hope you close the door on this relationship - for your safety.  When you throw an addiction to struggle with in the mix with a SO wBPD it's a recipe for disaster.

I don't want to see you start going backwards or spiraling down because of the pain and stress brought on by this person.  You are too valuable for that.  You need a woman to build you up and encourage you in your sobriety - not be a trigger to help drive you backwards.

I hope you get free of this (her) and you are NOT the one in that car accident.

With love and concern... .  

 Well, they say when one door closes, another opens, forced myself out today to look for work, and suddenly i have what might be the best job ive had since i entered my current field over 7 years ago. Just gotta focus on myself one day at a time i guess, and stay positive. Trying to avoid the feeling of impending doom i suddenly have lately that it might not work out, or that im gonna mess it up.

Blurry!  Awesome possum. 

Great news on the job... .  

And don't beat your self up on the drinking... .  Addictions are very hard to beat!

 Well, after bouncing between staying, undecided, and leaving, i know im leaving for good now. New job did turn out to be as great as i was hoping and its been keeping me seriously busy, along with hanging out with my buddies too. Went out on two dates that i wish i hadnt, nice girls but no connection, which only made me miss the ex even more. Then, out of nowhere, suddenly get a date with a woman way more attractive than the ex, conversation flowed and the physical connection was there, i was a gentleman and didnt let it get physical on the first date. Taking this one slower, from what i just learned with the exuBPDgf and my co-dependancy.

Feeling like even if it doesnt lead anywhere, actually being with someone who is better for me might be exactly what i needed to fully move on. I feel in control now, in the event that the exuBPD tries to reconnect romantically, she did just break NC recently asking me to pay a bill that i feel is her responsibility, (i didnt respond, and re-deleted her number) further proving how out of touch with reality she is.