BPDFamily.com

Hi, I am in my 20s and live (due to financial difficulties)with two parents who are NPD/BPD.Both are abusive to me.

In particular I want to talk about my father. He has a habit of blurting insults out of nowhere throughout the day. He'll say both my mom and I are crazy, nutjobs, irrational, silly, stupid, etc Sometimes he'll come home from the store and as he is unloading the groceries into the fridge he'll sigh and say "jane is such a crazy nutjob... .  " or "I can't wait until I can get my own place and get the hell away from the two of you"... .  while we are in other rooms watching tv. He has major mood swings as well.  If my mother does something wrong, he blames me by default even though I had nothing to do with what she did or was even around to witness it.

After being around other people, I realize that him blurting out insults is not normal. My mother seems very resistant to it and acts as if it doesn't phase her. But it drives me up the wall. I listen to music on my Ipod to avoid hearing this nonsense throughout the day.

Hi kharma,

*welcome*

It must be difficult living with parents who are both verbally abusive!  No it's not normal to keep on blurting insults at people, but then again, people with BPD and NPD don't think like "normal" people as well.

Perhaps you will find this information about "splitting" helpful- the way pwBPD think in black/ white terms, which helps explain why their moods are so extreme.  Also, sometimes they are projecting their own feelings/ thoughts on us "nons":

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)

Are your parents, your dad in particular, aware that he has some problem?  Has he been diagnosed?

Hope you will share more of your story with us and also check out the boards- many members have similar experiences as you and can give you more insight on how to handle the BPD aspect in your parents.

No, my father does not think he has a problem. He truly thinks he is normal, and that it's me and my mom who are crazy. (He's right about my mother, she has Borderline/naricisstic traits as well).

He would NEVER go to a shrink to get diagnosed. Never in a million years. My mother acts as if his continual digs throughout the day are normal, she doesn't even flinch. If I get upset by it (because they can be downright insulting), she gets angry

He also gets on the phone, and trash talks my mother and ME to other relatives (he does this when my mother isn't home). Dad knows I can hear everything he says. He tells his sisters or other relatives that we are crazy, mentally unstable, and how much my mother makes him unhappy. I overheard him saying how he can't stand me living at home, and that I was a lesbian. Strange thing is, mom will come home, and then he'll give her a kiss and a hug right after verbally bashing her to other people behind her back. She is not aware of this. I've never told her. I'm in no position to because I am at their mercy. I need a place to stay until I can get on my own two feet.

kharma,

While it's harder for us as nons when the pwBPDs in our lives don't believe there's anything wrong with them (trust me, I know and live with one), but just because they don't feel any need to change doesn't mean we need to play along.  There are some tools which can help to protect us (not to change them, but to change the way we interact):

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

It's not easy living under the same roof with pwBPDs, but I hope the information as well as being on here can help you get along until you can move out and get your own place.

kharma,

so you know you are not alone... .  my uBPDh would blurt out hurtful and inappropriate things too.

but only to me... .  

One week after my successful cancer treatment he says... "Should I buy you some flowers... .  for your funeral?" this was in public too!

Standing at the door of a party with his friends, whom I had never met- "Don't assume I am going to get you a plate of food-you are on your OWN!"    "?"   OH yes and we were newly engaged, too.

going into a event. Together. I was his guest. "when we get to the door lets pretend we don't know each other!"    "?"

Looking at a victoria's secret catalog or billboard. "Why can't YOU look like THAT?" 

rude, insulting, calling me "psycho"... .  sometimes I think he was just forgetting he was saying things aloud.

GL