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In looking at my own self, and my own issues. I know I chose to be in and stay in a destructive r/s with my bf who later became my H.

He was a living walking talking example of my NPD antisocial Dad and my enabling/avoidant critical Mother.

My HUSBAND was as ignorant of who I was on the inside as my neglectful and disadainfully  self involved Dad ever was.

H was also as nitpicky and dismissive and controlling as my mother was... .  when I was young.

We had material needs provided for... .  but our emotional needs were scantly noticed. My parents had never heard of "self-esteem" and if they had they might have called it a crock.

I stayed quiet, did well in school desperate for a crumb of attention-anything aside from being told to go play, don't bother me, leave me alone, can't you SEE I'm BUSY! and BE QUIET!

I married at age 20 to flee. then I fled the first HUSBAND after 25+ years to be out from under HIS criticism and control.

And then found his mental doppleganger. ( body double)

In choosing my husband,  attaching to him and feeling safe with him, I replicated (AGAIN) the dynamics I had suffered under with my FOO. AND my first H.

My need to be enough, to be noticed, approved of, accepted for who I AM. My needs, my core wound of being rejected, alone, misunderstood. Invisible.

I replicated/ revealed my core wound with him and he found it like he had a laser sight on it. And I LET him!

The pain of "alone-ness" I feel now after leaving him for good is finally lessening.

The FOG I had struggled through is lifting.

I was blaming him, my parents, my former exH... .  but they didn't knowingly DO this to me. I played a large part.

I was not abandoned UNTIL I left my SELF alone, and walked away from my self- believing I would discover what I lacked IN OTHERS.

What I lack is felt in me, and can only be filled by what I BELIEVE deeply about MYSELF.

The lack fills from an internal well... .  the one with hope, joy, peace and bubbling with optimism.

The one refilled over and over by Self Love.

GL

Wow. Gina Louise you've been doing a lot of work... .  big hugs and well done! You DO deserve all that hope, joy, peace and self-love! What kinds of things are you doing now to fill yourself with that love? and reinforce those positive beliefs about yourself?

beinggentle,

:)

thank you very much.

I am choosing a path for my own life, that is self supporting and contains what I am interested in and know I am good at (have skills in). Pursuing this path will take some time, money and effort... .  but its' worth it and it's my choice.

I'm going back to school for a while to further my career goals. It's a far cry from what I did in the past for work... .  and that's just how I want it. (I was a business manager/supervisor. I am going to enroll for Paralegal Certification)

I am staying more connected to the people that matter most to me, personally. Family, close friends, my kids.

I'm also walking away, gracefully, politely from those who would shout me down, ridicule me or tell me I shouldn't.

Or "Can't". I take that as a challenge!

I am planning my days and events with activities I need or I like... .  not adding myself into someone else's life. That may mean several hours of keyboarding a day... and then babysitting my grand kids. LOL (I don't have to be quiet, and I get to play and cuddle all I want!)

I'm saying yes to doing things with my kids/family even If I am not initially inclined-that's the Isolated me-and she's going away.

I am continuing to take my own inventory and find ways to know-deeply- that I matter.


GL

Fast food isn't good for you.  :)

OTH,

No kidding!

I only eat the burger and skip the fries. and coke.

:)  No more Combo Meals.   

GL