BPDFamily.com

hi again... .  

I cannot believe after my last post on December 5th 2012 and I wrote a very nasty letter to my exBPDbf saying I knew all about his disorder and that it was irresponsible for him to date other people as he was unstable and that he was lazy and a peterpan and that he got me at a vulnerable time and I was too good for him and should have never dated him... .  basically wanted him to black me out forever.

A week passed and I started feeling really guilty about sending someone who was mentally ill such a nasty email, especially when I knew he respected my opinion and intelligence.  I felt like a person who just yelled at a blind person because they couldn't tell me what colour the sunset was.  My conscience ate away at me... .  

So... .  

I wrote him an email saying I was sorry for sending such a cutting email and that I didn't think he was a horrible person in general but i needed to hate him to detach from him and needed him to not contact me. I didn't apologize for what I said... .  more for sending it... .  

Anyways, he wrote back and said he understood why I wrote it and he wasn't mad at me and that he missed me and that he would always be there for me and would like to be friends.

Ive read enough on being a BPD friend and I now they don't work.

I said that I had met a male friend while cycling who was just like him.

Being a BPD expert -lol- I have resisted his charms and we actually are very very good platonic friends.  Sure we flirt but generally chat a lot and go to dinner.  We have gotten very close.  I know I can't date this new guy as "the clock would start ticking."  I have also have been dating other men - but still have not clicked with any of them.

I said, to my exBPDbf that maybe we could be friends, to appease him, and I realized that we cannot be romantic, and  Itold him about my male cycling friend.  He was surprised I replaced him with someone just like him.  I said, yes, but it is not romantic and it can't be.  So he could be the same.  He didn't get back to me until a few days later when I got a text saying that he really wanted to be my friend except he would have a problem as the next time he saw me he would want to be with me and I wouldn't stop him and could he come over... .  

I said yes.

dumb dumb dumb

So he did and ... .  he had his way.  And I had mine.  He said he wanted to break up with my repalcement for awhile now and did so.

We have been in contact since.

I am really trying to be distant.

I can't resist sex with him... .  I can't resist spending time with him... .  I don't want to.

I do want to keep him but I know I can't.

He is like that tiger in the "Life of Pi"

He will take what he wants and then just walk off one day.

I am continuing to date, spend time with friends and live my life.

I am cursed by this man... .  and I have no expectations.

I know I am just setting myself up for more crap... .  I can't fix or change him.  Just myself.

I am a moth that is chosing to go near the lightbulb... .  

He took me to a play last night and I haven't heard from him today.

I am just letting him come to me. 

And he helps me make better choices when dating as I already have my mr wrong and I am holding out for mr right.  And when I find him... .  well... .  I guess mr wrong can walk off then.

Lol!  Watch - he will choose that time to try and be my mr right... .  but I know he will never be.

Yup... .  I think we have become codependent or have something very complex... .  

I have my crash helmet on... .  he is already freaking out a bit as he has started saying we don't belong together... .  he starts getting anxious... .  so I shall see how long until he blacks me out again... .  

Hey Aurora,

So for clarity purposes do you feel like you are right back where you started? Are you hopeful that spending intimate, vulnerable quality time with your BPD will make his disorder go away? Or are you hopeful for a way out but not quite sure how to create No Contact boundaries?

Spell

 What if you could do it without getting yourself hurt (no expectations) when he moves on again? Thats what id be asking myself, especially knowing what it is now, i think it would get easier each time you let them back in/out, of your life because you know better than to believe all the promises.

Not even sure which forum i belong in, all i have to go by is that she said shes never talking to me again, last month i wanted her back definitely, today i think im more educated about BPD and would only entertain the idea of another recycle, tomorrow i maybe i'll be done with her completely.

But i do know, if she ever tries to break NC/recycle again, i wont be as naive as far as all the promises of undying love and commitment go. Plus im really wondering if i wanna go to work every day wondering if all my stuff will be packed when i get back, or when the breakup text is coming.

I don't understand why this is on the leaving board - seems like you are staying in some sort of relationship with him... .  so why not go to the staying board and learn the proper skills so you don't hurt him or yourself.

I would love to be optimistic and join the staying board... .  but I know it is impossible to have a longterm relationship with him... .  as sure as the sun will rise... .  he will leave.

I can't get him to stop distancing himself and I know when I least expect it, he will go and nothing I can do or say can stop him.

I make him too reactive, we are too intense, I love too deeply and he can't take it.

I've read the stories on the staying board... .  very few seem to be successful... .  and those that stay together are so much work and are hanging on a thread.

Unless a BPD is in therapy... .  it is futile.

I love my BPD... .  I know I do... .  but at the same time I know there is no point.

He haunts me, confuses me, hurts me and delights and thrills me.

I am leaving.

I have to.  I'm dating others and as soon as I find someone... I will choose healthy and committed love over chaos, distancing and dysfunction.

My BPD serves as a guide to everything I do want and everything I don't want.

He will black me out soon anyways.

I am too old for this... He makes me happy... .  but he will go.

It's a confusing tragedy.

Aurora,

I can feel your sadness.  

Are you in Therapy?

Keep reading the articles. They will help to you understand & accept the seriousness of this mental illness. The articles will also help you to depersonalize his behavior. You are lovable and worthy of love but you might have to do some healing inner work of your own to create your own inner peace.

Keep posting. We are here to validate your feelings.

Spell

I am not in therapy.

I know I am capable of moving on and capable of being with someone else it is just it hasn't worked out yet.  Many men are intimidated by me I think as I can be stand-offish and I am well off financially, well educated and don't work.

My BPD doesn't like that I am better off than he - it intimidates him - makes him insecure... .  but admits that's his problem.

I just find my BPD so cute and charming.

And cuddly, sweet and sensual.

He tells me we don't belong together - he says I am like a rise and I am the best rose, but he wants a daisy... .  distancing and devaluing me... .  

He refers back to the honeymoon stage and says we aren't like that anymore... .  

Yet he likes to get with me... and keeps contacting me... .  

I love him and I accept his limitations but I also love me and will do what is best for me too.

So when it is time for me to go... .  I will.

Sometimes I wonder if he is a sociopath... .  as he seems to care so little... .  

 This has me thinking, and it could of happened many times, what if i got her pregnant and was locked into this for 20 more years, it was an LDR at first and now im back home, or, me being pro-life as it pertains to me personally, what if she were to abort unknowing to me, or from a mans POV, not really being sure if the baby was even mine.

You know the craziness these partners add into our lives, i was actually thinking at one point of secretly getting a vasectomy, in the event she got pregnant, id know it wasnt mine and she cheated or got pregnant during one of her shorter breakups. What kind of deranged thought process is that to have in a relationship? Every day that goes by has me feeling a little better and more empowered after this current breakup. These boards are helping a lot in just a few weeks of reading and now posting. Definitely realizing im co-dependant or have some issues myself, alcoholism being the biggest, and gonna consider therapy if i manage to get some health coverage i think.

I am really confused - you say you don't belong on the staying board... .  but you are STAYING in communication with him regularly and you are letting his behavior effect you - these are skills that stayers work on.

If you really want to leave - well, why keep talking to him?

You have been on these boards for a long time now AD - what are you hoping for when I know you have read most of these lessons ... .  sometimes we have to look in the mirror and realize we can only change ourselves and our actions.

You raise a good point SB... .  

If I have to be honest with myself... .  I love being with him and love sex with him and I havent found someone else that I feel I will enjoy sex and intimacy with as much as my BPD.

It's like I get so much intimacy from him - it is overload and the sex is amazing - I am so responsive to him.  He queried why he liked being with me so much and his answer was because he liked to make me feel good and feel good I do.

He cannot ejaculate with me or anyone according to him.  Either performance anxiety or lack of emotional intimacy... .  so he never orgasms.  I think he does it for pure validation.  Not for me but because I make him feel good as he can get me going 5 times in a session.

He works so hard and is so considerate.

We go for dinner and we can chat and joke.

He does throw in nasty quips about how we don't belong together, yet here we are.

I am responsible for this as I know he will come back.

I tried the validating statements but when your blacked out it doesn't work.  I can't stop him from splitting me.  I ask him to talk to me first but he can't control it I don't think.

And he gets really anxious if I spend too much time with him... .  he gets anxious.

But I think we love each other and we cycle around and around... .  

I can go to the staying board but I think he, you and I all know this can't work. 

Sometimes I wish it would and sometimes I wish I never get tangled in this sad mess and I was with a healthy person.

What articles in specific do you think might help us SB?  Sorry for the lack of faith... .  it's just I've walked these floors for a long time... .  it is like ground hog day... .  

I think because the Staying Board in named such, it seems like a mythical place where people stay, but for most it's where we try to STAY healthy while being in any kind of contact with a pwBPD... .  the word staying sounds so stable and permanent, and these r/s are anything but stable and most aren't permanent.

Staying is where people work and support eachother when staying in any kind of ongoing communication with a person who has BPD for any reason, no matter what it looks like, no matter how unstable he is or the r/s is.   It's a place to get support and skills for taking care of yourself while you stay in contact, of any kind,for any reason,  with this person.  That's all it really is.  It doesn't cure BPD, it helps US.

What she said  :)

Aurora, is it possible for you to accept that he will come & go?  If you could, maybe he would feel more accepted as he is &, ironically, less pressure that might contribute to his impulse to leave.

Leaving may not really mean "leaving," if you understand the cycle he goes through and its significance or lack thereof for how he feels about you.

I just hate to hear so much pain when you two obviously want to engage each other and are engaging each other.

thank you so much... .  

More trouble though... .  

I was on the dating site my BPD and I met on a year and a half ago as I was proofing a profile for a friend of mine.

I had been on this site probably 2 weeks ago as I was checking on the friend and I also search for my BPD... .  just in case... .  he has never been there.

I did the search this morning and poof... .  my BPD picture comes up.

I was shaking.

I went through it did an inventory of his pictures... .  some were since we had met... .  I knew this was a new profile in the last 2 weeks.

I called him immediately and confronted him... .  it totally blew him away that I found it... .  and he was babbling and incoherent with illogical statements, confusion and lies and totally freaked out... .  he said we shouldn't be together... .  that he wasn't looking for anyone... .  just wanted to see what girls looked like in Florida and Texas... .  that he wasn't going to cheat on me... .  that he didn't want to be my boyfriend... .  that he dumped the girl he was seeing for me... .  he would immediately remove his profile... .  i was going to leave him anyways... .  he couldn't be with someone forever... .  he was not in love with me... .  he dumped the girl for me... .  he would remove the profile... .  he didn't want to meet anyone... .  

and on.

Anyways... .  I was really hurt and I was ready to tell him it was over... .  when he said he wasn't my boyfriend, i told him I did want him to be my boyfriend, he said he couldn't stay with me forever and he didn't love me, but he dumped my replacement for me and he would remove the profile, he just likes looking at people... .  i said I understood he was incapable of loving me but i knew he cared about me and why would he do this... .  he said it didn't mean anything... .  he would take it down... .  he said he respected and appreciated me... .  I said having your profile up made me upset and that he did not respect or appreciate me... .  

Anyways... .  he did take the profile down.  He wanted to work something out about our relationship but he said we should not be together.  That all we had was sex.

I said I wanted more than sex but he kept distancing me and that it was hard to spend time with him because he wouldn't let me.  That I had to snatch intimacy while we were together in bed because that is where we always end up. 

Anyways... .  what is the boards opinion of him posting on a dating site? he completely blew a gasket and dysregulated when he thought I was going to break up with him.  He does care for me and he copes by splitting me and detaching and forgetting me... .  he does not like surprises as he is not prepared.

I really liked patientandclear's approach.

I don't know how long we could hold it together... .  and this is not my ideal relationship.

And I am a huge hypocrite as I am dating an average of 2 guys a week - just coffee/dinner dates and I see them 1-3 times and decide I don't like them and keep going on to the next... .  but as I see it... .  my BPD is the one controlling our relationship because if it were up to me and he wasn't disordered... .  we'd be always together as I love him, who he is and we have amazing chemistry... .  but I know through everyone's post... .  he will leave me and there is nothing I can do.

Thoughts?

and... .  

just to be clear... .  

I do not want to be with anyone other than my BPD.

If I could be with him, I would never look at another man again.  I just date as I feel the end of my BPD relationship is just around the corner.

We want to be together... .  we just can't.

So, please don't get to hung up on the fact I am dating others and I flip out that he goes on a dating site.  He is the one putting on the brakes and distancing... .  Im just trying to cope and attempt to move on... .  while still loving him... .  I know it is silly.  I am attempting to protect myself by distraction... .  

I was thinking... .  maybe I will just pull out all the stops and tell him I love him all the time instead of holding back so he feels more secure?  I don't know what to do... .  I know he will leave... .  but I will try patientandclears approach too.

Thoughts?

Hi Aurora ... .  

I've been at this long enough to be sure that just "pulling out the stops" and declaring your love in the hopes that that will make him feel secure isn't going to have the result you want.  If he has untreated BPD he is not going to feel secure for very long, period.  Too much enveloping love can also be scary to him.  I've pretty much decided that no matter where my road with my uBPDexbf takes me, I'm never telling him again that I love him.  I'll show him -- I do show him, all the time.  But when I tell him, it clearly scares him and doesn't help.

I think the closest you can come to providing security for someone you're involved with wBPD is to be a calm, steady presence that is consistent even when they are wildly inconsistent.  You know how he said you're a rose but he needs a daisy?  I think what that means, sort of, is that less intensity and more steadiness makes it somewhat easier for him to deal with the relationship.

He is going to come and go.  That feeling you have?  You're right.  But after he goes, he comes back.  You seem to be very important to him and a central figure.  I guess the question is, can you accept that he will go, use that time for yourself, and welcome him back when he comes.  If not, this is a recipe for pain for you both, because he isn't going to be able to just stop his pattern without help and time.  But if you can ... .  I think there can be a lot of value in such a relationship, even if it's unusual and most people wouldn't do it.

I've now read so many stories on here, including my own, where the strength of the BPD relationship is the fact that the non-BPD partner doesn't make a big deal out of the wild swings the BPD partner experiences.  Sometimes the behavior then lessens because there's no need to keep making the point "I can leave" if the partner is saying "you're right, you can!  I'll miss you!"

I'm intimate friends with my uBPDexbf.  He comes and goes.  We get really close, he has some sort of panic reaction, withdraws, re-stabilizes, deals with his feelings using his own tools (yay him!) and then he comes back.  At first when he did this, he felt the need to sort of call it a breakup ("I need distance" (even though we weren't dating!).  But when I was warm about it and made clear he was welcome to come back when and if he was ready, he was so appreciative.  And since then, he just goes, with no big dramatic hurtful announcement; and I do other things; and he comes back.  Sometimes he comments about this (I've posted about some of the comments) suggesting he can't quite believe I'm being so cool about it.  I don't make a big deal about that either -- just say you're welcome to come and go, and when you're here, you can stay as long as you like.

I learned this the hard way, and from other people's stories and advice on this board.  It has made my r/s with this man immeasurably better.  It is still hard, and confusing, and sometimes painful when contrasted with how he said it would be when we first fell in love.  But it is the best the two of us can do, and possibly the best he can do with anyone, and I find it extremely worthwhile in the end, so I want to do it gently and in a way that builds trust and safety.  There's no grand gesture that can do that for all time.  It's a continuing process.

Several people on this board have likened pwBPD to cats.  In my case, it's definitely a feral cat.  You can make a place for them, but that's all.  You cannot make them come and you cannot make them stay.  However, they may come, and they may stay.  The more they realize you are not going to grab them, the more likely they are to want to.

I know you love this guy.  It's been clear in all your posts for a long time.  Only you can know if you're up for an arrangement like I'm describing, but if you want to try, definitely read the lessons about engaging someone wBPD if you haven't, and the advice from folks on this board is stellar about how to handle particular situations.  If you're going to keep engaging him, I think you should try to give you guys a shot at a calmer, happier dynamic.

About the dating site: it's symptomatic of his panic at closeness with you.  He may take it down but it doesn't mean he isn't panicking, you know?  You haven't fixed the feeling (and you cannot).  In general, confronting pwBPD, seeking straightforward accountability for actions that are in tension with a romantic r/s -- that approach doesn't usually produce the results you want (see the lessons).

People here write a lot about boundaries.  You decide what you cannot deal with; you decide what you will do if it happens.  You don't struggle with your pwBPD over these things -- you calmly explain your position, e.g., "I can't be sexually involved with someone who has an active profile on a dating site." (Not saying this is  your position, it's just an example.)  If he acts inconsistently with this boundary, you say "hey, you can totally do that; you just can't do it with me seeing  you romantically.  Want to be friends? -- or -- if it stays up or happens again, I'll need to exit this r/s."

But there's no point in berating or confronting or demanding to know why (he probably doesn't even really know why).

Good luck with whatever route you pursue.  I feel for you -- I know you feel strongly pulled to this man, and it sounds like he does to you.

Where do I find these lessons on this site?

I am so confused ... .  I love him but ... .  Wow.

I can try the calm approach with firm boundaries.

It's funny, I was already thinking of taking that approach.

I have a little statue - it is a collectors Austin figurine and I've always had it.

It is a pair of doves in their nest. The female is nestled in deep and the male is cuddled in close on the edge of the nest with his head on her back.

I was going to give it to him and say, "this is for you to remember me by. The female is me and the male is you and the nest is us/our relationship.  I just want you to use this to remember me by  that if you need to leave, that ill be here in our nest waiting for you to fly back to me."

With the boundaries that if he replaces me or strays - I can't live with that again and it will have to be over.

But last time I was with him he got a little dysregulated and was sputtering about how I was a rose and he needed a daisy.  Frankly, I just think he was trying to devalue me and distance me.  I felt so rejected,and I did tell him be hurt my feelings and he can't say stuff like that to me and he apologized and said he wouldn't say that anymore.  I was very pleased with both of our responses.

But that visit was a very intimate one where we demonstrated a lot of trust and caring in addition to the above situation... .  so I can see why he panicked.

So if you can specifically guide me to the lessons of engaging... .  I will give it my best shot.

Thanks for your support.

The Lessons are both on a sticky thread at the top of the board, and then individually linked over to the right >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

Aurora, also wanted to say this.  I couldn't do what I am suggesting you do.  I can't deal with someone I'm having sex with and saying "I love you" to, leaving abruptly.  It happened once with my uBPDex and it almost destroyed me.  Even though I understand better now, I just cannot be that intimate with someone who comes and goes.

My solution was to have a long period of NC with my ex (10 months) and then to re-engage him as friends.  I still love him, he knows that, and on some level, I think that is fully reciprocated.  But we do not speak of that.  We are both good at observing this boundary -- no physical contact except hugs goodbye, no drifting across the line into wistful insinuations, no flirting.  I think because this is really important to us both and we don't want to mess with each other's hearts irresponsibly, and we know it isn't in the cards, at least not now, to cross that line responsibly.

We have pretty profound emotional intimacy though.  And we are each other's "person" if that makes sense -- we get each other's last text of the night, we push each other, we share secret and tender things.

I don't for a minute think this is what you're after with your BPD partner.  I know sex is really important in your relationship (and frankly it was in ours too, but that was 18 months ago now, and it turns out there is still a lot left for us without that.  My ex is a sex abuse survivor and I think sex is in the innermost circle of terror for him -- so I think it's about the last frontier we'd be able to conquer even if we were to try again to be romantic partners).  Anyway, I don't see you & your partner being inclined to be super close friends without sex.  Maybe I'm wrong?

My point in sharing all that is that that intimate friendship is the most I find I am able to do with my uBPDex.  I don't lightly suggest that you try to also be sexually involved with yours while applying the Lessons ... .  it's a harder thing than I am able to do.  I just wanted to acknowledge that.

If you are GOING to be involved regardless though ... .  read the Lessons!

 

Patientandclear, so you are not sexual with this man?  He is just a friend?

Do you have another relationship other than your BPD friend?

A romantic one?

Do either of you have sexual outlets?

Sorry for the personal questions but I'm just trying to see the full nature of your relationship.

What I am working towards with him is a dating relationship ... .  We go out and have fun together and have sex but he will have plenty of space.

That meets his needs but I know it will not meet mine... .  as I want a companion and a life partner I live with... .  

I really don't know how we will resolve this.

I am learning that if he says he doesn't want to be my boyfriend and I say but I want you to be my boyfiend, things turn out better than if inagree with his relationship sabotaging ideals.

I fear rejection to so it is a huge struggle for me to push through that.

And if I find someone I want to have a relationship with... .  what will I do with my BPD guy then?

I will hate to let him go... .  the bad part of me would like to keep him on the side... .  maybe that would work as he wouldn't feel as pressured... .  but what of my new bf?

I think though - he will fight and sabotage the relationship to coincide with his erroneous thinking.

He is a quiet borderline so he just splits and goes without a word. We live 40 minutes apart so I see him once every 2 weeks and text and talk otherwise.

It is not enough for me... .  But I feel such a pull ... .  

Anyways... .  I am reading the lessons and am getting basically I need to be calm and assertive... .  

Basically like dealing with a two year old... .  I was a great parent to my kids ... .  but on an adult... .  

I will give it a try.

And keep you posted.

I thought he may have split me over the dating site issue as he dissociated so badly... .  but I texted him about dinner tomorrow and he politely responded so I am still in the game... .  

I will talk to him about it later... .  not about why he did but what wound happen if he did it again.

My personal boundary is any women and I am gone.  Even if it hurts me more than it hurts him - I do have self-respect. He did replace me but he was intending never to see me again when he blacked me out last time.  I will talk to him about being Ble to leave and to come back provided no women.  I think he gets so split and convinced that he will never see me again that it goes out the window, but I can try offering it to him and it may make all the difference.  Or none at all.

Hi auroro.dragon, and welcome to the Staying Board.   

Since you are in contact with this man but trying to strategically think through exactly what kind of relationship you really have, you might find it's helpful to really think about what your boundaries are.  You can think about him and his tendency to split, etc. all day long, and not really make any progress.  This is about you, not him.

To be in these relationships you must have strong boundaries and a sense of yourself.  I mean, you need to know your own values and the ideas that define who you are at a fundemental level.  What is indispensible to your life, and what is open to compromise.  Before we compromise things in these relationships, we need to know what it is we are about to compromise, and whether it is something we can truly do without and remain true to ourselves.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I sense you are struggling with some of these core issues when it comes to this particular relationship.  The heart, gut and head aren't in agreement for some reason, do you know why?

Let's say he never changes, is what you have now what you want from now on?  What are the pieces that are missing?  Can you do without those pieces? How would you describe the kind of relationship you are looking for? 

You don't have to answer these questions, but give them some thought.  I think you know the answers, but it's easy to lose sight of some of these things as we get caught up in a relationship with someone who has BPD, especially when the sex is great.     You need to rediscover and then anchor yourself to your core "deal breaker" boundaries, and maybe your way forward gets more clear. 

I'm pulling for you.   

 

Hi

I have thought about what I want and no this isn't it... .  I adore him and want to be with him... .  but I have read enough to know this wont change... .  we are scheduled to have a chat about our relationship and what we both need.

I doubt the outcome will be anything close to what I want which us a responsible, positive, active, healthy life partner who I can love and who loves me back and eventually live with.

He told me in the beginning that I should look at him as an accessory - not the main outfit.  It didn't make sense before but it sure does now.

I don't want an accessory.

I am actively dating and living my life fully. If I can see him, I make him a priority and if he needs me, I'm there.  I will try and validate him, practice self-control and calmness when dealing with him.  I do tell him I love him because I think that validates him.

I wonder too if I can sense the potential of who he was suppose to be if he wasn't disordered.  He works for his dad and does volunteer theatre... .  that's it.  He immerses himself in theatre and it and takes priority over me no matter how trivial the event is... .  

I love the sex and I love him... .  but it is not enuf for me - not even close.  I see him once every two weeks and I like to have contact daily... .  he doesn't deem that necessary... .  we only live 30-40 minutes apart... .  

I am confused... .  as "the replacement" and the Internet dating site posting crossed my boundaries... .  yet because of his disorder... .  I let it pass... .  but if he does it again I'm done.  Actually, he has crossed most if my boundaries good and bad... .  colours outside of my lines... .  sexually and social boundaries.

Some I can live with - some I can't.  I tell him when he has upsets me -

I will tell him we can "yo-yo" as long as no women or harm to my person or property.

I believe as I have been so giving in the relationship... .  if I stopped giving before he blacked me out I think it would be hard on him.

I think when he blacks me out it is like going under anesthetic for him... .  I'm white and then  poof I transcend black.  The interesting thing I notice is the black wears off...   And then he will engage again.

It is so sad for him.  Thank god he is outgoing and friendly and can attract people in his life.  He needs his theatre... .  short term shows, he can engage and then is free to disengage until he wants to come back.  His work is solitary... .  with the exception of his dad.  His dad is his main pillar.  Renders me secondary and less important.

We don't have a hope do we?  I'm just being realistic... .  

Also my BPD is not vulnerable to me... .  Was in the honeymoon stage... .  now he is more narcissistic to the point if exhibiting sociopathic, tendencies.

He is not needy - more superman now... .  

I asked my BPDbf if he would like to go away with me.  He said he couldn't as he was broke.  Although his dads company pays for his house and car, he only gets a nominal salary for being the superintendent of his dads building.

A friend asked me 2 days later to come down south with her and I said yes!

I told him Friday I was going the end if January.  I asked him to come over Sunday as he had a commitment on Saturday.

I haven't heard from him since Friday. I texted him this morning... .  no response... .  I called him a few hours after asking him if everything is ok as he had been quiet and that made me nervous.  So far no response.

I am worried he has split me again as I'm going to Mexico ... .  I'm leaving him... .  

What do you think?

What should I do?

I'm thinking it is too late... .  

Hi AD  ,

I don't post very much, just if I can really relate and feel that I can really contribute something to another member.  I have been in CC with my ex since 9/12 after 6 months of strict NC starting 3/12.  At time of breakup we had dated a little over 2 years.  I initiated re-engagement b/c of my caretaking needs compelling me to do so and mostly just text with some face-to-face, no phone b/c that can be triggering for both of us.

I agree with P & C all the way and I want to add that I have had sex with the ex 3x since re-engagement.  Last time xmas day.  I withdrew b/c I was feeling sad about him not being my "fantasy partner" (I think the holidays made me more suseptible to longing) and I needed to get centered again.  My withdrawal triggered his withdrawal and dysregulation.  He has painted me a little black and is currently fixated on wanting to rehash how horrible I treated him in our previous relationship.  I refuse to engage in same pattern and keep vollying his feelings back to him to handle on his own, all the while validating his bad feelings (tricky when the bad feelings are about you).  Ultimately I think he is working his way out of his latest dysregulation and he will be fun to hang with again (for a while).  So that is where I am.  I have no expectations, except that he will display BPD behaviors b/c he is mentally ill.  I accept who he is.  I keep hanging out with him b/c I do get lonley sometimes and it's more comfortable to hang out with someone you know than to go to the effort of meeting someone new.  I have been internet dating off and on since 2004 and let's face it, at 43 everyone in my age group has serious baggage.  I have a strong compulsion to be "the person" for my ex who is not going to let him down b/c of how much suffering he has had in his life.  That doesn't mean that I put his needs in front of mine.  It means that I have a relationship with someone with a severe mental illness and I want to be a compassionate, constructive part of his life.  I accept he will never be able to equally reciprocate.  I no longer get mad at him for not being able to provide for my needs.

I also wanted to get a little more specific concerning what you are going through with your dude.  As I was reading your thread, I noticed that you are very focused on him (which I think is typical when one is not emotionally detached from the "fantasy relationship".  But you also talk alot about dating in general and there is a frantic feel to your posts, like it is imperative that you find a partner quickly.  I personally think that we need a period of strict NC to emotionally detach and have the FOG clear so that we can eventually shift the focus from our BPD our own personal growth.  After that, then I think one should still be single for a time (maybe just a practice date here or there) so that one can truly experience being with just themselves. 

Have you ever heard of adult attachment styles?  Here is a link that explains it:

www.mindfulnessmuse.com/individual-differences/how-does-your-attachment-style-impact-your-adult-relationships

It seems like you might fall somewhat into the "preoccupied/anxious style" and I know I fall more into the "avoidant" style.  I know when my ex first dumped me, it was excruciating b/c I was experiencing abadonment depression (read about it in 2010's posts) but then I realized that I was going to be ok.  I am little bit of a loner (the lonely child, which you can also read about here) and I really do enjoy my "me time", so not dating is sort of in my comfort zone. 

No matter what our attachment style is or whatever our challenges are based on our own experiences, I think having been in a BPD relationhip can be such a gift of personal growth in that we can really truly get to know ourselves and love ourselves.  When that happens we can fully and radically accept the BPD (and other difficult peope/situations), but also comfortably set boundaries

based on the love we have for ourselves.

You are strong and can take care your own needs.  When you need support, remember that your ex is mentally ill (maybe narcissistic more than BPD?) and probably should not be your first "go to" person.  Take care of yourself.

oh and the short answer to your last post:  You are pursuing frantically.  He will keep running as long as your are pursuing.  Stopping your pursuing doesn't count unless you stop pursuing in your head as well as in your behavior.  If you just do the staying tools to manipulate his behavior, it may work, but you will still be miserable.

Uggggh - yes I do pursue him more than he pursues me... .  when I give up - that's when he comes running.  It's just when he is in a good mood he he so great that you interact like a normal relationship.  And then something triggers him and he hates me ... .  

Anyways, yes, I'm looking for a new partner and I've met a lot of nice guys but I am looking for something specific in terms of family lifestyle, personality, values... .  if I was needy... .  I could have settled a long time ago.  I live alone after being with my exH for 26 years.  I've lived alone for over two years and I enjoy my own company and happy reading, puttering around the house or out socializing - and I am very social - it is who I am.

I go on 2 dates a week with different guys... .  see them once or twice... .  but if there are too many  red-flagred flags - it's bye bye.  Too much baggage on their part is another reason the dates have not been successful - my kids are high achievers in university, I am very financially stable, I have a lot of freedom ... .  the dates discover they are not as flexible with time or money and feel I will be unhappy with them ... .  Which is fine... .  I want someone who can keep up.

I guess my BPD is my mr wrong, I don't want another! ... .  He has so many red flags: Peter Pan syndrome, irresponsible,'lazy, non-committed to projects, mentally unstable yet is charming adorable loving and very giving at other times.

I know my BPD will leave me as sure as the sun rises every morning... .  

But after my last post here I sent my BPD one last text which said, "hi  what's wrong? I get you are upset I'm going away, but I am coming back to you.  If you need to leave me for awhile, I understand and I will be right here waiting for you.  We both mean a lot to each other and you mean the world to me."

He texted right back, "must you always be such a drama queen? when are you leaving?"

And he was all chatty again... .  

So p&C, letting him know he could go and come back - engaged him.

He called me tonight and was in a black mood... .  he speaks like he hates everything including me.

It really hurt me as he is so cold - like a psychopath in a movie... .  chilling... .  I try not to be effected but he was saying he gets bored of everything and will just split... .  hmmm does he get bored of me? (I took it personally, my bad... .  )

Sometimes I think he is so narcissistic and sociopathic as well - one big cluster B salad!

Ill give him space again and next time I talk to to him i'll say, I always love talking to you but if your in that all-hating black mood - just let me know and we can talk another time unless you need to talk through something.

Well ... .  We will see how this drama plays out... .  damn I wish I knew what he was before I fell in love with him... .  I would have thought twice... .  

Oh and I looked up adult attachment styles. My parents both had narcissitc traits, but loved me to death and were ALWAYS there for me. I would say I'm 80% secure attach and 20% anxious attachment.  I am not needy, I am very strong and I have cut many toxic people out of my life without regret.  I keep my garden free of weeds.  I choose who stays and who goes.

My BPD is not a weed - he is a beautiful flower except his roots won't stay in the soil... .  he want to leave my garden... .  I love him and don't want to go.  Maybe he is not a flower, I don't know what he is, and he probably does not belong in my garden, but  he is not a weed.

If he were - I would have chucked him out a long time ago.

well... .  things were going somewhat smoothly.

When I talk to him on the phone he disregulates really quickly and talks like he hates me.

I am leaving for florida tomorrow and as I just got back in town after caring for a sick relative I only have 2 days home.  My BPD texted me everyday i was gone asking about my relative - I was surprised.

I got home and BOOM - I checked the dating site - and he is back on!

I confronted him on it and he says he just like to voyeur women... .  weird... .  I said he could do that with his profile not visible but he didn't take it down.  He got mad and said he didn't like to be told what to do and I was always forcing him to do things.

Somehow, I soothed him over and we had a nice text conversation and he was going to visit me before I left.

yesterday, he still did not take it down... .  

He said he couldn't visit me yesterday due to work... .  yet he has all the time in the world for his plays and other groups he belongs to.

So, he said he would visit today.  It was 10:00pm - and he was still working, so he said he would talk to me when he was done.  I checked the online site a few minutes later and it said he was online... .  

I texted him immediately and said... .  "your profile is still up and it shows you are online.   I cannot have you come over while you are on a dating site as it makes me feel disrespected.  I am sorry you are making this choice for us as you know you being on a dating site is a deal breaker.  You are treating me badly and I can't continue."

He replied, "I am very angry with you right now, please do not reply."

I wrote back. "You need to decide what is important to you and apologize to me and do the right thing.  Goodnight."

I am feelling better about things.

I am going to go on my trip and enjoy it.

I will not pursue him.

He has crossed my boundary and if I allow it - things will just get worse.  As long as he is on the site... .  I shall not initiate contact.

I am probably painted black and I won't hear from him again.

And, I know he is not the good person I thought he was.  I think he is a weed in my garden.

I'm sorry to hear the ups and downs of this relationship are continuing.  Have you had a chance to read the Staying Lessons yet? 

Keep us updated as we are here to help!

hi

Briefcase:  you were wondering if I had a chance to read the staying lessons.

I did.

I understand their twisted thinking and providing a safe environment... .  which I was quite willing to work with... .  however, it is a deal breaker for me for him to be on that dating site... .  he replaced me once and it hurt me badly and I vowed I would never take him back if he blacked me out again as I now realizes he is capable of that behavior and that is unacceptable to me.

Being on the dating site is indicative to me that he is looking for a replacement... .  and that is unacceptable to me.

I have not heard from him since he got mad at me for getting upset with him for being on the dating site.  He said he is only looking.

I met him on that site so I know he does chat... .  

He told me that I turned it into a pissing contest and he can't back down and that I "pissed him off" and to leave him alone.

I will not contact him again.  As far as I am concerned, it is over.

He crossed my boundaries and does not respect or appreciate me so I am finished with him and moving on.

I still love him, but I love me more... .  

Are you saying I could have prevented this blow out and gotten him to get fthe site?

 

Well, thanks for the support and an opportunity to vent.

I just wanted to update you.

I have not heard a peep from my exBPDbf.

I checked his fb and I noticed a new female friend.

I checked her fb and noticed he had commented on two of her very recent posts - wow stunning.

I think she is needy and flaky as she has a lot of kissy pictures and tweets every hour... .  she did tweet she met someone new and is in love... .  she is probably BPD, histronic or just a nut by the looks of it.  In love in 4 days?  Plus she had a tweet within that time frame about her sign and, coincidently, his sign being love matches... .  

He is off the dating site as of today... .  so I guess it expired like he said it would.

I don't know if the new fb friend women and he are an item, but I am 90% yes given the coincidences.

I am going to monitor it so that if he comes back - I can say - I am sorry you replaced me while we were apart and I can't see you anymore.

I still think of him and today was a particularily hard one, but I just rode out the pain. :'(

I havent seen him since December 28th so I should be over him as it has been over a month but we were conversing regularly until January 25th so... .  and he said on the 25th how much he missed me and wanted to see me, but then I caught him online on the dating site and got upset with him and he split me.

I miss him and am sad it ended but I think we both know he is doing me a favour.

I will post here in a month to update, but I think this is the end.

Good luck everyone... .  this is a horrible disorder... .  for the non, it is like kicking a drug habit... .  very strange as I have NEVER experienced this before.

I am going for a healthy relationship now.

Good luck AD!

It sounds like you have made a decision on your path forward.  Be prepared for when we shows back up with the lessons and learnings.

Also, most advice I hear for someone coming out of a relationship is to 'give yourself some time' to build your own life and be comfortable with yourself, before jumping back into the dating pool/next relationship.  (since you mentioned you were going on a couple dates per week).

Meeting people is a good thing.  But serial dating/intense searching for 'the one', doesn't give you time to heal and stabilize your own emotional health.

Not at all.  We can't control the behavior of others, at least not in a healthy way.  He made his decision, you made yours.  That's as it should be.   :)

ok... .  

why am I am missing him like crazy... .  I feel a weight in my heart and all I can do is think of him.

He has treated me badly and I want to just move on with my life and I am keeping busy, going out with friends and went on a few disasterous dates... .  

And I just am missing him so badly... .  it is so odd... .  I never missed my exH of 26 years... .  I think because the relationship had lost all its passion and I had lost all my respect.

ExBPDbf tho... .  on and off for a year and a half... .  so much passion and intensity... .  and then he would split... .  a roller coaster.

I can't believe I broke down today after 2 weeks of no contact... .  yes... .  I did... .  and i texted him that I was very sad the way things ended and that I didn't quite understand why he put me in that position and that I suspected he had replaced me with some IQ challenged person... .  and I still missed and loved him and I was really trying not too... .  

I don't know if I want him back... .  Im sure if I am having a weak moment like I am now I would go back to him... .  as long as my suspicions were wrong about him replacing me... .  

As long as I haven't replaced him... .  and he hasn't replace me... .  I still want him... .  

unbelievable!

He is still angry with me so I won't get a response... .  I know I can write anything and he will not respond... .  Kind of gives you freedom of expression... .  I can tell him anything and he will not respond... .  

Well... .  this is my confession.

Nice confession AD.

You are being honest with yourself and not trying to hide your actions even though you know they arent the wisest.



Call a friend and spend some time with them.  Do something together.  DO ANYTHING!  Preferably something where your mind cant wander off in other directions (I find physical exercise good for this, its hard to obsess on something when all you can think about is where to get your next breath... .  )

The self awareness is a key first step.

Do you think you can find a substitute for contacting him?  Some people write a letter and then burn it instead of sending... .  or something like this?

Well... .  after my texting I checked fb and I found a picture on the woman's wall I suspected of being my replacement of her and my exBPDbf ... .  Her saying I am so happy.

She describes him in her blog as the perfect man.  That they talk to the wee hours of the night - just like we used to.

She called him an oasis ... .  A word he used to call me.

She is a pretty girl but reading her blog very emotionally vulnerable and psychologically unstable.  Needy and attention seeking - prob a cluster b too.  Uneducated, poor self-esteem and broke... .  has LOVE banners all over her wall... .  It's been 2 weeks... .  

Well I have my closure.  I know for 100% that we are done, more wondering.

I texted him and told him I knew.  I said I was shocked and hurt and told he was dangerous.  He was suppose to see me on the 25th and I'm pretty sure he met her the 26th - the day after he split me... .  prob on Internet site - what a liar.

Well that's what I get for loving a disordered man.  A gamble and a loss just like every website says ... .  He will destroy this woman and move on... .  

ok AD.  Now you know.

What will be your next steps for moving on with your life?

Omg!

I am posting here because if I don't I'm going to text exbf... .  

I miss him SO much and he consumes my thoughts and the aching in my heart is unbearable!

I am guilty of fb stalking him and my replacement plus I read her blogs... .  

I know from her blogs that she has processed her love in 2 weeks, that he played her like she played me - talking all night and becoming who she wants him to be... .  

She is uneducated woman living below the poverty line with a litter of children, a host of psycho somatic illnesses and personal issues with friends and employers.  What a prize. My antithesis... .  did I really make him feel that inadequate?.

I should be running so fast in the opposite direction!

I went out with a guy friend for valentines - had a nice birthday with my kids -

And all I can do is think of him and ache.  I met a fellow I was interested in but he had to go away to England on business.

Can I just send him an angry text as I feel so angry with him for treating me like this - I am hurt and angry that he replaced me so quickly with this type of person and that this person is enjoying him and i am missing him.  Or just remain no contact and suck it up and move on and live my life with success and happiness.

I know option #2 is best but I so want to tell him off.

And it scares me as I want him back so badly to be brutally honest.

Can someone talk some sense in to me?

Hi AD,

I notice your thread title is "failure at moving on", does this mean you are going to continue to pursue a relationship?  Please forgive me for the confusion as this is the "staying board", sorry if I have this wrong... .  

First? I'd not send an angry text.  By engaging in this kind of communication, it's rather like throwing diesel fuel to a fire.  This is only going to end up hurting you, and you have suffered enough hurt haven't you?

Here's just a lil something my T had me try when I was having trouble detaching from my pwBPD.  Set aside an hour each day to grieve, cry, ruminate, write emails (save to draft, do not send) etc.  When that hour is up, move on to some other aspect of your life.  This is for your benefit entirely.

I know you miss him, I understand that kind of pain very well!  You feel like you have a gaping hole in your chest, right?  I'm really sorry to hear you struggling so badly. Try to implement something that is just for you!

Big, big hugs AD!

CiF

  Wow, you have been run though quite the wringer in the last month. My head is spinning and I wasn't even part of it!


|iiii I hear AD talking sense into you. Do you hear that?

Give yourself credit for knowing that some things you "want" to do aren't going to work out well for yourself. Give yourself more credit for knowing when you need help to do it "right"

But just in case you need somebody else, I'll bite: Txting him with your anger won't do anybody any good. Don't make me take your phone away from you  lol

There is one thing you said which has me really thinking, as it summarizes a lot that you wrote in this thread: "And it scares me as I want him back so badly to be brutally honest." What can you do with that? Blindly chasing after him when you are lost in it doesn't sound good. Fighting it would probably involve fighting yourself, and you are bound to lose something in that fight.

The only "good idea" I've got is accept it and surrender to the feeling. Sounds hard and scary, and not sure where it will take you. I'm pretty sure that letting yourself experience the feeling will help.

well... .  I did send the text... .  can't even remember what I said... .  though I think it was something like I couldn't believe he replaced me with someone like that, that he could have put some effort into picking someone who wasn't financially, socially and intellectually vulnerable... .  and that I deserved way better than him and we both knew it but I just got completely stuck on him.

Its been... .  8 days since the text and I must say those 8 days have been very good.  The aching is gone.

I allow myself to think about him, but then I go through all the crummy things he did to me and then I think of his replacement and I get disgusted and Im done thinking about that for awhile.

I still check the replacements blogs and I see that there is no more I love this person so much... .  actually at all... .  she is angry and defeated but doesn't specify why... .  lol... .  I could take some guesses.

Anyways... .  I am just letting the feelings of missing him come and go and keep thinking about what a jerk he is.  It helps.  I think him knowingly replacing me gives me closure.  He won't contact me again.  And I won't be contacting him either... .  ok... .  so youve heard that before... .  but I am going move on with things thanks to him cheating.

I am looking for healthy, supportive, loving and stable.  I am staying away from people with no children or who just have a series of short term relationships... .  I think i can spot BPD and NPD 10 miles away now.

I will check in in a few weeks.

  I'm really glad to hear that you are feeling like you made the right choice and are going in the right direction. Thanks for the update.

Now that you are moving on... .  perhaps you should go and say hello on either the "Leaving" or "Building healthy relationships and dating" board?

You've still got some healing to do, and there are people here who can help you there as well. 

yes... .  I need to do some healing for sure.

With my 26 year relationship with my ex H breaking up and wreaking havoc on my social life... .  the last thing I needed was to fall in love with a BPD.  He always told me I should leave him and I shouldn't be with him and that I should get out before it was too late.

I wrote him on tuesday and told him I forgave him.  That his BPD was an explanation for his behavior, not an excuse.  That I did love him and would miss him but he replaced me and I couldn't have him having sex with people every time he got mad at me.  I felt better after forgiving him.  He can't help splitting me.  And once I'm split... .  well I am dead to him, he literally psychologically murders me.

I still miss him in waves, but I think it is due to the fact I am transitioning with my life and I am a bit lonely right now.  Once I am more stable, I won't miss him.  My family lives in another city, my kids are at university... .  friends are away this week... .  so I do get lonely... .  

I have to stir my life up and make some changes... .  

Hi Auroro, I know exactly what you are going through, as I am going through the same. I have lived with my upwBPD and it did not work. I have tried putting him out of my life and that does not work. We have intense chemisry and I love being with him, so I continue to see him. I have tried dating others, its pointless, I only want him. I know theres no future even though he keeps telling me it will come. I think he is hoping he will be able to get it together on his own because I really think that is what they want, a normal relationship with all the trimmings, its just that they can't seem to do it. I ask myself on a daily basis if I can deal with this, and to be honest, I am not sure. Its such a hard postion to be in. To be with someone you love and not be able to tell them. I agree with patientandclear, you have to keep your feelings at bay as that tends to make them back off. We use to tell each other I love you on a daily basis. It seemed so fake on his behalf, like words just coming out of his mouth. Now this time around, we do not exchange those words, I try hard not to let my feelings for him show, no plans for the future, no demands, and this seems to work better for him. I have set my boundrys with him. I told him I can deal with the anger issues, I can walk away. The mood swings, I can ignore, but I cannot and will not deal with the lies and cheating. My friends and family think I am crazy to deal with this. They think I deserve better and they are right, but this is where I am at right now. I know he is capable of making a commitment as he has been married twice, but for reasons other than love. The first was a pregnancy, the second, I do believe money was the selling point. I have nothing to offer but love, and hes not in the market for that so will love prevail? Probably not.

Hi Benny

The stories are all the same.

There are so many red flags... .  mine said he lived with 7 women ... .  though I am sure some lasted a weekend... .  he was so all over the map with his time lines and his stories.

If you read my posts, you will see I felt exactly as you did that love my would not prevail and it didn't... .  He split me and replaced me in the end and now he can never come back.  During the first round, he said he loved me, but it sounded hollow and insincere... .  I asked him about it and he said, fine if you feel that way I will stop.  And he did.  He only said it to please me but it did nothing for him... .  

I understand totally how you feel - great chemistry - great sex - and great disappointment.

Actually, the only time we talked and had a good time was in bed.  He was very irritable otherwise... .  

And, he never ejaculated - even after spending all weekend in bed all the time... .  never once.  I on the other hand had multiple orgasms and had a splendid time.  Also, I was expected too... .  he said, if I wasn't responsive - he would have walked.

It is a no win situation.

If you can't be yourself and express how you feel... .  it is constant walking on eggshells... .  everything is walking on eggshells trying to avoid the inevitable axe.

Life happens and unless you stop living, you won't be able to keep him.

Mine split me when I went on vacation... .  he got all agitated... .  went on an online dating site... .  I got upset... .  he said I was controlling him.  I kept my boundary and he split and replaced me in 3 days!

That was after a year and a half roller coaster ride of friendship (sorta), sex, and splitting.

I have no idea if he is with my replacement still.

I care, but I cannot go back to him.  Not if I want to have a shred of self-respect and dignity.

I guess the Buddhist principle of accepting loss must come into play.

I am dating but only go out once with a person and I know there is no chemistry... .  

It's only been 6 weeks so as long as I continue no contact I will be fine.

And, I need to get my life turned around as I am stagnant and that can heighten missing a BPD.

It is sad how much he hates me... .  alll the gloss has rubbed off and all I get is the malignant hate.

Sometimes I swear he is 30%BPD, 35% NPD and 35% sociopath... .  he has no empathy and he really only is charming to get Narcissistic supply.

Oh well, not my problem any more.

Good luck.

I know how you are feeling.  Keep busy and keep positive.  Don't focus on him.  Focus on loving you.

NC - going strong!

I think about the exBPDbf acouple of times a day, but have zero desire to contact him  |iiii

I think the closure makes it so much easier - knowing their is a replacement... .  though I don't know if he is seeing her... .  I watch her twitter periodically... .  she now never mentions him and she is always posting things like. "don't let anyone put you down," "don't let anyone dim your smile"   - and has posted pics of naked men of her fb and other pictures of her alone... .  he never comments on them

It has been 7 weeks since he split me and replaced me with her.  I think they may just be friends or over prob a month ago... .  

I continue living my life... working out, having fun, keeping busy, dating.

I am the quickest red flagger ever!

I don't attract BPD or NPDs quicker than the next person - though my on edge/funny/smart personality probably attracts them... .  I just didn't tell my ex H and exBPDbf to get lost when they started their bad behavior... .  due to my parents relationship and my childhood blueprint.

I am looking for healthy, happy, sane, smart, kind and confident now... .  and will walk away from anything less.

Good luck everyone... .  

keep strong and keep on keeping on ... .  one day at a time 

 

NC still going strong!

Its funny - everytime he comes to mind - which he still does frequently - I get an urge to cry when I think I will never see him again.  This is a new development and I don't know where it fits in in the process of moving on and healing.  I sit with the feeling and it dissipates and I go on with whatever I am doing.

I checked his fb and he has deleted her as a friend or vise versa and I chuckled.

I have no, none, nada desire to contact him.

Now that I know he has crossed  my personal boundary and replaced me - it gives me closure.

I am very worried about what I will do should he contact me... . part of me still loves him... . but now part of me is repulsed by him... . he is not the good person I thought he was.  

I just want to stay no contact.

I strongly doubt he will contact me as he is too chicken of my rejection.

I am keeping busy and enjoying life.  Feeling confident and comfortable with NC. *)

As far as I am concerned he crossed my boundary being on a dating website, cheated and replaced me.

I am sure he thinks I pushed him in a corner, he broke up with me and got a new gf.  All legitimate and justified.

We shall see... .

Seriously thank you for your update because i read some positivism in it.  Something scarce here on bpdfamily, i read so much here its hard to reply on it all. I just want to wish you strength, immaculate amounts of awesome strength.

Thanks.

I miss him but it has been 8 weeks since Ive seen/talked/broken up with him and 3 weeks of NC.

I think the thing was he kept splitting me with no warning and it messed with my head as I thought he was a good guy.  Since I have found out the truth that he can turn off like a light switch and reengage with a complete stranger, I realize he is not special... .   our relationship is not special... .   I was just another pawn in his twisted quest for validation.  I wasn't the first and I won't be the last.

Takes the "spell" off me.

I no longer feel like crying when I think of him.

I have been visiting family for the last week out of town for easter.

I have a date or two when I get back home and will be busy with my hobbies with the nice weather approaching.

He is fading quickly in my mind but the great thing is, the relationship taught me a lot about myself... .   why I put up with nonsense from my exH and this ex BPDbf... .   narcissistic, enabling and co-dependent parents... .   my god what a crazy-making, invalidating, gaslighting, head f@ck of a childhood I had!

They should have never adopted three children... .   my sister is so messed up from them I think she has BPD traits, is immature, defensive, narcissistic and picks low-life narcissistic men... .  

My guys were at least successful... .   but the game was the same.

This is an opportunity to gain incredible insight of my core damage and heal.

I am still healing, but I am healing.

Never again.

I know my exBPD guy wont contact me as he got caught replacing me, shame, and he always told me to get out of our relationship as I was far too good and that I should never have gotten with him.

It over

Is your statement that it is over based on your belief that you "know" he won't contact you?

Or is it based on you being done with him and his drama?

Because I've seen waaaaaay to many threads here about being recycled multiple times when the "replacement" either dumps them or gets painted black, or whatever... .  

Either way, it is probably good to think about what you want to do if you are contacted again.

hi grey kitty.

I will not be contacting him.  No desire.

I miss him though.

you raise a valid point though... .   what happens if he contacts me... .  

a-if Im with someone else I will tell him I have moved on.

b - if I am not with someone else... .   good question... .   I would say... .   I would talk to him and explain he crossed my boundary.  The only reason that I kept recycling with him was because I didn't think he was with someone else... .   I didn't think I had been replaced.  now I know I have been replaced, I am repulsed by him going back and for between women.

I am not a player and I know he does this for validation.  Not my style.  Not someone I want in my life.


I am 99% sure I will never hear from him again.

I am 80% sure I will send him packing should he contact me.

He is too initmidated by me to contact me.

My replacement is attractive - 5 years younger - but is ditzy and seems like shy has a lot of physical and psychological issues.

I think they split up probably shortly after valentines day after dating for 3 weeks... .   but who knows.

I can only read fb and her blogs.

I am tired of this and just want to move on.

I will never chase someone who has cheated on me.

Good news!

Coming out of the FOG and I am realizing how mentally ill he was.  Poor guy sure lived in the moment to protect himself from the shame of his past.

I think he would split me, get with someone else if available, get bored of them, reengage with me once his hate for me dulled and do the whole process over again... .   ick!

I didn't think he was with anyone else or I wouldn't have recycled with him - except for the second last time he split me... .   but I thought it was just a friend, though he told me later he slept with her, but it wasn't really sex, whatever that meant... .   The last time, I saw the picture of him and my replacement on her fb page so I knew he was cheating, although, he didn't see it that way as in his mind we had broken up.  In his mind, we were always broken up before he engaged with someone else.  My problem was I didn't know we were over as he would just stop talking to me with no breaking up. very confusing and hurtful.

I know I will not hear from him.

I know I will not reengage with him - 100% even if he begs.

I am disgusted by him.

I still miss him and obviously think of him as I am posting here but I think it is just healing and also my hope that others who have gone through the ordeal of a BPD relationship will know that they too will get over this.

I still haven't found a replacement for him yet.  And once I do, my energy and focus will be on enjoying a healthy relationship with a healthy person.  Boy... .   it is hard to find the right person!

I still come off as emotionally unavailble though.  My dates say Im attractive and interesting, but I there is no chemistry and I don't feel any spark with them either... .   result of residual BPD experience?

I don't think so - Im a hygiene freak and these guys, although successful and educated, smell bad... .   so I know I am put off by that and I am sure it shows in my body language.  The exBPDbf always smelled great.

I am not worried, I know one day I will meet someone who will turn my head, look good on paper and smell great - lol!

Im leaving the BPD forest... .   and you will too.

Keep busy, meet people, have fun, learn something new... .   move on and start living!  You only go around once and why spend it being disrespected, unappreciated and abused.  Think more of yourself!

I'll update again.

Hi again... .

This is like going to confession.

So... . life was going along, bad date after bad date... . the end of May, I get an email asking if I'd like to go golfing from exBPDbf... . we emailed back and forth... . I broke no contact... . I justified it as he didnt cheat as in his mind, we broke up. And he replaced me... .

We ended up getting back together - went golfing - had fun - up until the end of July when he had to take a trip - he asked me to go with him- I said yes but I knew I wouldn't be going as he could not tolerate my presence for longer than a couple of days and then he'd get "prickly" and he'd need space... . anyways he said in the end I couldn't come as his dad wanted to go... . so no surprise... .

Then the day he was to go... . I noticed he added my replacement on his fb.  I got very angry and told him I couldn't see him anymore as it was inappropriate for her to be a fb friend when they met on an Internet dating site and dated for 2-3 weeks before it deteriorated... .

He got mad and said I jumped to conclusions and split me.

I know I jumped the gun perhaps as he always "fb friends" past engagements... . But it is crossing my boundary and it is insensitive and disrespectful to reconnect with this woman.

He is still away on his trip. I haven't been in contact for a week.

He is really mad at me.  I don't know if the woman is being recycled - he says no.  Which is probably true but I don't care. 

I'm starting to miss him but I will never contact him first and now he has lost it as he is using the dating site to meet women where has traveled to for a week and added them on fb - all 3 of them - all of them from a low sociopath-economic level... .

The last email I mentioned I saw the new fb friends and knew they were from the dating site and how disgusting I found him and asked him not to contact me again if he saw these women as he would no longer turn me on as i have lost all respect for him and that he would be a health risk.

I think this will be it as I will never see him unless he unfriends the women first and has not seen them.

He will be enraged about the conditions and refuse to meet them.  I won't concede so we will have a stand off and he won't back down.  Ill tell him he has so many "friends" he doesn't need me and I don't associate with someone who is so desperate.

Internet dating and Facebook are narcissists and BPD playgrounds of validation!

Internet gives steady supply of candidates and fb gives them a forum for maintaining connection and validation.

The missing comes in waves - yesterday was bad and it was the first bad daysinceni engaged in NC a week ago.

Bpd relationships are like ground hog day.

The behavior is so predictable I can anticipates what comes next and I don't want it.

So I will keep on keeping on.

I still dated other people during the 2 months I saw my exBPDbf as I knew the would leave again... . or do something inappropriate that would make me upset and he would split me.

It is like quitting smoking... . you slip up, get disgusted with yourself and go back to quitting... . same pangs of missing it but you know it's bad for you so you stay strong and then one day, you don't need/want it anymore... . though I'm sure you'll think about it now and again but you don't reengage even if offered.  Same difference :)

A friend of mine said something many years ago that I still carry around to this day:

Life is a series of lessons.  If you dont learn it the first time, dont worry, you will get that lesson again.

Your learning.  Slip ups are just part of the process.  The important thing was that you relatively quickly recovered and are back on track.

Hi aurora.dragon

Not that there's anything wrong with dating when there is no commitment... .  Just wondering why you feel it's okay for you to date, but not him?

Hi Phoebe

Im sure youve been with a person with BPD or you wouldn't be on this forum.

I have known my BPDbf for 2 years and I love him very much.

If it was up to me, he'd be my life partner and we be together always... . In a perfect world.

As it is, it is not a perfect world and the only decision I have in our relationship is to walk away.

If he doesn't get his way or if I get angry at him, he splits me.

He pushes my boundaries and although I strive to be calm and to be a "good parent" to him... . I try not to make things worse, but I don't enable him, I always work in to have my say.

However, when he does things likes reconnects with my previous replacement on facebook... . I lose my patience and get angry because I am human and I get mad and hurt and if he does insensitive and disrespectful things like that... . Ill take my chances and get split. Which I did and was... .

So, why do I date others although I am emotionally attached to my exBPDbf?  I am trying to keep emotionally distant from him as I know an untreated BPD is a bomb waiting to go off.

It is selfish and hypocritical of me but I go out once or twice and call it off as my BPD is so masculine, sexy, polite, funny, mart, sweet... . Im not interested in anyone else... . but I know he will test and push me and keep going until he hits my achilles heel... . I get upset at him and he splits me as he can't deal with his emotions.

the jury is out if he was reconnecting with my replacement or if he was trying to be friends with her as he always does that with people he idealizes, devalues and splits... . he feels bad and wants to be their friend... .

After he split me, he went away down south (another trigger of him pushing me away - him leaving... . ) a trip, he invited me on... . and I noticed he made some more facebook friends with women in the vacation area who were also on the dating site he is on that we have fought about in the past.

This relationship is so toxic now:  no trust, no exclusivity... .

I am learning and losing respect for him as these women are no where near my education, life experience and value level... . it grosses me out.  It makes me not want him any more.

I am not checking his social media and trying to just choke back the waves of missing him.

Yesterday was a bad day.

Today is a good day.

Im keeping busy and focusing on the future.

So, that is why I dated others.  I needed to distance myself.

If you dated a BPD - you would know it is a survival technique.

I thought I would never see him again after the last split... . he keeps upping the ante for me.

He sent me a scathing email saying I was stalking him and had no right to tell him who he could or could not be friends with... . all my fault, again... . no mention that he understood why I might be upset and that he was sorry for being so clueless, like a normal person... . I guess Im just so horrible!   *)

Reading this thread made me realize how lucky I am that I did not go through a recycle with my ex! I strictly maintain no-contact to this very day, and we were married 35 years.

Just an update

I have not seen him since the end of July.

I believe he acted inappropriately by adding that woman on as his fb friend.  I know they aren't together- she has a new bf... .

I did stalk his fb as he had blocked me a long time ago... .but I have another account and went on and checked up on him that fateful day.

I texted him one night  mid October saying - it wasn't fair the way things happened and why did he have to go and hate me for me being upset because of the exgf on fb.  He could have talked to me about it... .

But I guess I am a terrible person and not worth talking to... .He said - "move on"

And I have been busy and having fun but when its quiet - my loneliness translates into missing him.

So Aug 1 to November 1 and I still miss him?It comes in waves - and its not like its all day.  But I do think about him and his kisses and our time together... .The whole thing makes no sense... .but then I guess I am not suppose to understand and should just stop.

Haven't been dating other people since mid october... .but was a lot from August to then.

I am starting again... .now. 

I am pretty certain he is dating a new person... .so ick... .

He was the only guy I have broke my personal rule of not getting back together after break up.  I guess because the love bombing of the honeymoon and the giving sex... .it got to me!

Keeping on keeping on... .


I

Just checked his fb two days ago... .he has deleted his 2wk exbf... .

Very curious.

Dating others whilst one is still emotionally attached leaves you vulnerable to another dysfunctional relationship. This is just "getting by" till the next engagement of the dance you are doing with your ex. How is this working for you? No judgement here, is this fulfilling for you?


 

aurora if you are wanting to re-engage it may be helpful to spend some time on the Staying board working on the communication skills and lessons found there. This is the Leaving board.

Well... .I am hoping I won't get love bombed by another BPD... .I know what to look for now.

my exBPD was special to me and he touch something deep inside of me and helped me to see my childhood deficits of feeling unlovable and having low self-esteem... .but I do not want another one.

My exBPD bf helped me to see that my parents and my exH are disordered and as a result... .I suffer.

I am a non-enabling fixer... .

Losing my exBPD was like losing my mother or a child... .the  deep feelings he stirred up... .

I am being very careful now.

It appears a lot of men my age are narcissistic or disordered in someway - hence they are single.  I am not interested in pursuing that type of relationship... .any unhealthy red flags and they are gone!

Hence, I am still single and not engaged.

Yes, I still check up on exBPD bf out of curiosity... .but I think he has been with other women now and although part of me wants to physically and emotionally engage with him again.  I am paranoid for my health... .so no thank you.

Im pretty sure he hates me still or is vowing to stay away from me as all he does is egocentric things and we just keep getting into situations where I will call him on his selfish and inconsiderate behavior and he splits me.

So no, I don't want to reengage with him.

I miss him but I need to move on.

I am taking my time and looking for someone confident, funny and kind - not narcissistic and mirroring.  Its tough because I do want someone similar to me... .My exBPD bf must  have laughed when I told him that... .because afterall, that is what he is excellent at - mirroring and acting a part until it no longer pleases him.  When the mask is off, he is criticial, spoiled and selfish.  Like a spoiled child really.  He vascillated between waif child and angry child.

So, no - I am staying on the leaving page - it is almost 3 and a half months since I last saw him... .I will just try and keep a low profile.  I told him that I got antsy around the 2-3 month break up stage as he has come back 3 times around then... .I have no idea what he will do.

If I have moved on... .I will never reengage with him again as it is just a waste of time and I do get emotionally attached and don't want anyone else.  Right now, if I met a confident, funny, successful and kind man... .I could attach - no problem and totally disengage from exBPD bf... .

I could be vulnerable right now... .but I have learned so much about myself... .the gift of the Borderline... .and how sometimes you need to be hit in the head with a 2 x 4 to learn the lesson.

I will always be grateful to my exBPD as he unknowlingly taught me a ton... .and I think it is also the ripping of the scabs of old wounds that never healed properly... .is the biggest gift... .and i'm hoping the wounds, now identified, will heal properly.

I know these are my lessons. my feelings and my healing... .but I am amazed how he stirred up all these longings and wants and needs that I struggled to have my parents meet as a child... .and how I struggled with him and couldn't have him meet those needs either.  I couldn't keep him in the end though I really tried. and that is for the better as I can't be his friend and I can't have a healthy romantic relationship with him so I have to release him... .

He was just trying to have someone love him... .but he couldn't trust me and he was terrified of intimacy.  I was watching a video of a small toddler being abused by a nanny.   The child was crying and the nanny was slapping him everytime he moved ... .my heart broke and I thought of my exBPD bf who was abandoned by his mom, had an absent father and a series of unloving and abusive nannies... .

I can't be mad or mean to him... .Im sure his childhood was sad and lonely... .but I can't help him eventhough  I would love to help and love him... .but he cant let me - he is not capable.  And I told him that I understood that.

he probably has someone else is is shining for and mirroring... .and I am probably just someone that he used to know... .so be it.

These people do stain you and change you... .but I think for the better.

I wonder if he will contact me again.

update:

Well, I think I met someone that Im going to like.

No chemistry... .but a good guy I think is attractive and who is really trying to "wow" me... .so I going to be positive and have fun with it and see where it goes.

I still think about exBPD... .but he totally hates me and has gone, no contact with me so... .I did email him a few weeks ago as it is hard for me to go from hot sex and "love" to nothing... .its nothing I can't live without... .but it is like an addiction... .and its him that is curing me by enforcing NC... .

Im glad for it... .as I have a hard time staying away from him and if i were totally honest... .if he wasn't with anyone else... .I would take him back... .a moth to the lightbulb... .but he is punishing me and turned the lightbulb off so this moth will have to fly away and find a new light bulb - preferably one that doesn't burn so bright ... .but one that casts a warm light... .instead of blinding and burning.

Will update in awhile to let you know how new guy is faring :)

 

Happy New Year

Well, NC continues... . of course - his initiation - Im sure he has blocked all venues of contact so cest la vie.  He never responded to my emails a few months ago saying I was sorry to accuse him - but what he did was wrong.  He did write back and said we would have NC and that it would be impossible to be friends.  I always laugh at that as I would never be his friend.  Anyways - haven't seen him for 5 months - I think of him every day but I try and think of all the clueless, inappropriate, mean things he has done and how he made me feel... . And although he made me feel good in the beginning and he made me feel good in bed... . intellectually... . before he split me he made me feel bad and sad with his criticisms... . and thats what im focusing on.

Met a nice man I dated for a month in December... . didn't sleep with him but had a nice time and kissed and held hands etc... . but he was newly separated and had some family issues due to Christmas and had to take a break.  Funny - I have zero interest in seeing him or having contact with him.  Its just my BPD guy I pine for... . everyone else, I can take or leave.  Christmas was busy but Im starting to look for other partners and i think I will plan a trip to europe in the spring - go on a singles tour perhaps.

I think the exBPDbf is with someone new - he is off the dating site and being mr social... . so he has moved on.

I am pretty sure he won't contact me and I have resolved not to go back as we don't work and he has replaced me twice already in the 2 years we have dated... . I think it is gross.

Ive said it before ... . but I think I can't like anyone else when Im engaged with him.

Its been 5 months - its a new year and time for new beginnings.