BPDFamily.com

I went NC mid November. Just after Thanksgiving my pwBPD emailed me, and we had our one and only actual fight, via this email exchange. I am sure he has expected me to call/text/email or something, but I have not. The week of Christmas he contacted me three times via FB. I was very surprised by this, but it was ok, because it was public and cordial. Since then nothing again, until today.

Friday I transferred work stations to an office much closer to him. He knew this was going to happen, and when we were still speaking, he'd said that we could see each other more often. Maybe he expects me to call him, but I have not. This afternoon I saw him sitting in his car in our parking lot. He was there for about 30 minutes. I don't think he knew I could see him from my window. Eventually another car drove up, and he hurriedly left. I have no idea what this was about. Weird.

Hey Blessed,

What are you going to do if or when the ex makes an attempt to recycle?

Spell

Spell, I have tried to prepare myself for a thousand different scenarios, especially in light of some of the huge surprises others on this board have been through.  But really, I guess I won't know until it happens. Every time I start thinking I miss him, all I really have to do is pull out of my memory something he did that makes me mad, and then I don't miss him anymore... .  for awhile.

I did learn that he thought he'd found a replacement, someone really way out of his league. But he made a big mistake and posted something to her on FB that could be interpreted as flirtatious. This has backfired badly on him in many ways, but the thing about FB is that it is so public, he can always say he never meant anything by it. But because this little attempt to reel in a new one has failed, I wonder if that is why he is now missing me. Who knows.

I'm going to push you a bit. What exactly are you hoping for if your ex does make contact? More than likely he will and it does not help you in anyway to be ambivalent or play the middle ground of "I don't know"... .  

I'm pushing you to be honest with yourself. BPD is a very real and serious mental disorder. Whether your ex misses you or is being rejected by his attempted replacement is not the point. He cannot bring you the happiness you seek in him. The mistrust is in place, the idealization phase is over and the mask is now off. Things can never be turned back to the good times. Once they are triggered there's really no going back.

Blessed. I just want to you understand that time apart does not change them or make them see the light of day. They are character disordered; it's hard wired. Being nice to them and giving into their needs only continues to strip us bare.

I know you're hurting. But it's up to us to close that chapter for good.

Spell

You know, what I am really hoping for is what I cannot have, for my ex to tell me he is genuinely sorry for all that he put me through, and that he will respectfully go his way as I go mine. Or, for the genuine apology, then for him to be able to actually sustain a friendship. Losing that is what hurts the most. But I know any apology from him is likely to be nothing but a tool of manipulation, and that he can't really let go, because I meet needs of his, yet he does not know how to be anyone's friend. I am still trying to mourn this loss, and having difficulty with it.

I can validate how you are feeling but due to your ex's mental illness he can not amicably give you the inner peace you seek and desire. As tough as this may be to read closure comes from accepting that he has a serious character disordered mental illness. Acceptance of what is is tough as nails. When we cling to fantasy like thinking, malignant hope, or dreamy thoughts of what ifs we create more angst and anxiety for ourselves that lead to huge emotional let downs.

Are you in Therapy?

I'm so sorry but a mentally ill person cannot make amends and cannot give you closure. If he could you wouldn't be on this board. Closure for us is a day to day process of good days and bad days while we mourn, grieve, and make peace with what is.

For over a year I hung onto the "what if's" in terms of my ex apologizing. I desired... .no.... I held my breath... .  waiting for my BPDexbf to validate all the wrongs he created. I wanted to hear the "I'm sorry's, I feel bad for ruining us, I miss you terribly, I want to fix this, I can make it better, I can't live without you's... .  can we make love again?... .  " These hopes play in my head over and over again like a mix tape.

Underneath it all is the desire for them to rescue what was once good. Underneath it all is our desire for them to fix what they're willing to break so easily. But at some point you have to learn how to gradually let go.  If you don't learn how to let go you will be dragged.

Spell