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I picked kids up today. Apparently ex has been in some dysregulation lately. I'm not certain why. Well this morning S14 took a shower and went to the laundry room at mom's to get some clothes. It was around 7 am and his bus picks him up at 7:35 so he had plenty of time. Mom started yelling at him that he was going to be late and grabbed him. He lost his balance and fell into the water heater. His shoulder touched a hot water pipe and he burnt his shoulder. Ex is a nurse. She decided he wasn't going to school today after that. He said he put ice on it and mom gave him some cream to put on it. Throughout the day she kept trying to blame him. (typical BPD) S14 told me all this. He finally said that she went into his room and wanted to know why he was trying to pick a fight with her. I was just listening since he needed/wanted to talk to me about it. At this point he said he learned in his health class about peoples psychological defenses and thought this was mom using projection. I just listened and he kept talking. He never asked me what I thought so I just let him get it out. She then started blaming him for being disrespectful and wanted to know if he was being this way because he wanted to live with his dad. I asked him what he said and he told me he remained silent "because when mom gets this way you will always be wrong no matter what you say". I was very impressed with how much he really gets.

It is impressive that he could dissect the situation.

You said that you just listened. That's a good stance to take.


Is this a possibilty?

Is this a possibility ?  Listening to S14, and S9 after we picked him up, I really didn't see S14 having done anything disrespectful. He had plenty of time to make his bus so I didn't see that sense of urgency his mom indicated. Both boys have indicated that mom is difficult to live with and they would like more time with me so I do think she senses that. She actually does offer me more time (about two weeks a year) with the boys. However, if she offered me more time her child support would be reduced. We were in court three years ago and that's when I found the number of overnights that changes the calculation and I have been right below that number every year since. I do not believe it is a coincidence on her part.

I really find that listening and not trying to fix things is the best course of action. Of course, if they ask for help I do give them suggestions and guidance.

Only if the court is involved.

"I've been talking with the boys, and I'm convinced things would go more smoothly if they were with me most of the time during the school year, so I'm going to offer that to them.  They can stay with me during the week, and work out a weekend schedule with you - whatever you and they think will work best on the weekends.  I'd prefer not to involve the court in his - we'll save on lawyer fees and we can just keep child support as it is.  I'll talk with them about it this evening."

"S14, there's an issue I discussed with your mom, and I'm going to discuss it with S9 but I thought you and I could talk first.  I think things will go better if you both spend weeknights with me during the school year.  Weekends you can work out with your mom - whatever you and she think will work best.  Then when school is out we can talk about the summer schedule.  OK?"

"S9, I talked with your mom and S14 about the schedule - when you're here and when you're with your mom.  It's going to make things smoother if you both stay here during the week.  Weekends you can work out with your mom - some time with her and some here.  Then when school is out we can talk about the summer schedule.  Any questions?"

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The two of you can agree to anything you want.  The courts prefer it even (courts are only there for disagreement)

I can see how this would bring her abandonment fears to the forefront. What if you told her that you would not ask for changed child support? Some things are worth more than money... .  I would suggest coming up with an approach to stroke her ego, if spending more time could be achieved... .  PEACE 

I've tried the approach to ask for more time and not change the child support. It always triggered her and I haven't figured out a way that would not trigger her. I actually wasn't sure what I said that triggered her but I did try a few different ways. That was several years ago.

Ex has been acting more dysregulated lately so there is something bothering her.

I believe it is a couple of things. People where she works have bumped into me and say she is getting worse. I also had a friend who talked to someone at a party and he said that there was this woman at where he works that is f***ing crazy. He told my friend her name and yes it was her. It was a coincindence. They are in the process of reducing their staff and ex is probably worried. Also, S14 is getting more independent, which he should be doing, and that is stressing her. In addition S9 is doing extremely well in school even though mom insists he has a learning disabilty (for the last 4 years) and the school finally told her no at the end of last year. He is now in the accelerated class (third grade) and is doing better then anyone anticipated. Ex has actually  been sabotaging his school work. She just sent me an email threatening to take me back to court. She claims I am not following the court order but I am. I did not need to reply and did not.

I'm not suggesting that you ask for more time.

"I've been talking with the boys, and I'm convinced things would go more smoothly if they were with me most of the time during the school year, so I'm going to offer that to them.  They can stay with me during the week, and work out a weekend schedule with you - whatever you and they think will work best on the weekends.  I'd prefer not to involve the court in his - we'll save on lawyer fees and we can just keep child support as it is.  I'll talk with them about it this evening."

This is not a request.  It is not an offer to negotiate.  It is not an idea for her to respond to.  It is not a multiple-choice question.  It is not a brainstorming session.

You are providing her with information.  She can react however she likes.  Make sure you are not alone with her when you give her this information, or any other time.  I would suggest phone.

We live with these people for many years, and try to make them happy.  We make ourselves and others (like the kids) crazy trying to make the disordered person happy.  It doesn't work.  You can't make her happy.  You have to give that up.  She will not be happy.  She may act out.  She may make accusations.  She may file a motion with the court.  She may do any number of things.  You can't predict or control her behavior.

Most likely, she will accept it, if you make it clear that she will still get child support.  If not - if she files a motion - then you can respond to that motion and show that what you are doing is in the kids' best interests.

Matt, I may have chosen the wrong words. I have pointed out several things to ex about the boys and offer suggestions to resolve whatever issue is at hand. I always ask for her input and suggestions too. I always assume a judge may be looking at these emails at some point in the future so I am very non confrontational and always looking out for the children's best interest. Of course, ex interprets things differently then other people do so I realize things never get accomplished and I parallel parent for that reason.

I received two emails from ex yesterday. One telling me that I am in contempt of court and if I do not do what she says she will enforce the court order. I replied asking her what I was doing that was not following the court order. I got no reply because I follow the order.                   The other email was about S14 and his ipad (I bought him one for Christmas). I bought it because his mom took away his use of their computer so he missed a deadline for a paper before the holidays. I talked to his teacher and the guidance counselor. Ex did acknowledge in an email to the teacher that he wasn't allowed to use the computer at her place and also that he was allowed to use the computer. His teacher "got it" and I worked out a plan with the school. He can type his papers on his ipad and bring it to school. He can print it at school and everything was solved. Ex wants me to put parental controls on it and have a time that it shuts off automatically. I have no problems when he is with me so this is an issue at her place and really all about her not having control. Apparently ex wants all his passwords  (email accts, facebook, ipad, etc) so she can see what he is doing. I already have all of them and have had them since he got an email acct , etc. He doesn't want her to have them because she had them in the past and she was constantly changing things and micromanaging. I do check his accts and he doesn't do anything questionable. S14 is very particular about his stuff and cleans off the screen before he goes to bed. When he wakes up at his mom's he finds smudge marks all over the screen so he figured that ex is trying to guess his password. I did reply telling her that I have all his passwords and monitor things from home. I am sure this will not go over well but it does address her concerns and also S14's concerns. He is interested in computers and I have been working with him on writing code and making apps. Very basic stuff but it is a start. Ex is not very computer savvy and always finds fault with things he does. S14 has even offered to help clean up her computer, with her present, but she takes it to a store and pays someone to do it because she doesn't trust S14. She is very good at pushing people away. I talked to S14 yesterday letting him know that I told his mom I have all his passwords. I explained what her concerns were and he understood. I thought that necessary so he won't get ambushed.

"pointed out several things"... .  "offer suggestions"... .  "ask for her input and suggestions".  If this is working for you, great.  It's not what works for me.

I do not "point out things" to my ex.  I do not offer suggestions.  I do not ask for her input or suggestions.

I give her information that I think it is appropriate to share, and I tell her what I am going to do.  Then I stop.

This method works for me, because it gives her the opportunity to respond if she chooses, but it does not depend on her response.  If she doesn't respond - fine, I do what I said I would do.  If she responds positively - same thing.  If she responds negatively - same thing.  If she responds with a positive suggestion - "Instead of X why don't you do Y?" - and if I decide it's a better idea, I can say, "Thanks - that's a good idea - I'll do that instead."  I don't get blocked from action that I think is right, and I don't engage in arguments.

Everybody finds what works for them, and this works for me.  You might find that it will work for you too.

E-mail about contempt - Forward it to your lawyer, or if you don't have one, make your own decision - you believe you are in compliance with the court order.  There is no reason to respond to your ex on this issue.  You probably replied out of habit - when someone send you an e-mail, it's normal and polite to respond.  You need to get out of that habit when dealing with your ex, and respond only when there is a good reason to.

E-mail about the iPad:  I think your response to her was good, and it would also have been OK not to respond.  Focus on your son, not your ex.  If it was my S14, I would probably ask him, "When you go to bed at night, at your mom's, is your iPad safe?".  Not to meddle, but to let him know that it is OK for him to keep his personal property safe from prying eyes.

It's possible this issue will blow up, but maybe the way you handled it will defuse it.  If it blows up, it should be a good little case study showing why he should not spend any nights with his mom - she is actively interfering in his schoolwork, while you're being as creative a problem-solver as you can be.  He needs to be with the problem-solver parent, not the problem-creator parent.

I do not "point out things" to my ex.  I do not offer suggestions.  I do not ask for her input or suggestions.

I give her information that I think it is appropriate to share, and I tell her what I am going to do.  Then I stop.

This method works for me, because it gives her the opportunity to respond if she chooses, but it does not depend on her response.  If she doesn't respond - fine, I do what I said I would do.  If she responds positively - same thing.  If she responds negatively - same thing.  If she responds with a positive suggestion - "Instead of X why don't you do Y?" - and if I decide it's a better idea, I can say, "Thanks - that's a good idea - I'll do that instead."  I don't get blocked from action that I think is right, and I don't engage in arguments.

Everybody finds what works for them, and this works for me.  You might find that it will work for you too.

Executive decision making doesnt come easy, and mostly never makes sense, if they do, with pwBPD.

The issue of custody time is going to be tedious at best. It may possibly end up coming to a head, with the kids being in the middle of it... .  For me the second I took the "action" stance, instead of the "reaction" stance, things went a little easier. It truly is/was the only thing she understood, or would seem to respect. Being diplomatic was futile, just as the r/s went, most of the time. Im not into strong arming others, but ex understands that if my kids call me, and I sense extreme tension, i will ask them if they would like for me to come pick them up. This has happened once, with d14, the result, she had to look at her own behavior,(maybe not) after all the threats. blah, blah, blah. It was, at the very least, a consequence for her own actions, and possibly a boundary had been set... .  I wish you well, PEACE