BPDFamily.com

I don't post here that much, so I apologize for restating my story each time, but here goes again:  my husband and I have been together 9 years, married for 5.  He was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder before we met, with "some bipolar traits" (I know this only from what he's told me) and he's been on meds briefly a couple times but 98% of our time together he's been unmedicated because he doesn't like how being on meds makes him feel.  He does not have a BPD diagnosis but he seems to have a lot of BPD (w/NPD traits) traits. 

I've spent most of our relationship trying to help him/cover for him/"handle" him, but I'm realizing I've inadvertantly done a lot of co-dependent enabling too.  I'm trying to work on that and stick up for myself more.

We had a really bad summer, culminating in a period in August when he raged daily during our 10 day road trip vacation.  I was at the end of my rope and was fantasizing about leaving him, though I never said that to him.  I found this website then and started reading lots of books to learn more.  I did not tell him about any of that, either, as I thought it would throw him into a rage if he knew I thought he might be BPD. 

The thing is, since maybe mid-Sept, his behavior's been much better.  There have been no all-out rages, just a couple brief tantrums that he stopped all by himself.  Criticizing and belittling me and then saying it was a "joke" used to be a daily habit with him, but he's barely done it at all over the last couple months.  He even handled Christmas fairly well; he was cranky but not falling apart at the seams like he has been some Christmases.

I feel like he somehow knew I was thinking about leaving/learning more about personality disorders and that he's reacting by being on his "best behavior" even though I never told him about any of it.  I halfway want to relax and enjoy being normal and I halfway can't stop feeling like if I'm being set up for his next period of dysregulation.  Can PDs go into remission?  Is this the famous BPD intuition I've read about?

Maybe he just has, anxiety disorder with "some bipolar traits"

I don't think my exBPD could ever go months without going over the edge, the longest she could hold it in would be a couple of weeks.  BPD crosses paths with many other disorders, so maybe he doesn't have it.

good luck

Yeah, I know... .  sometimes I wonder if I am hanging out on the right forum, but I can't find one for anxiety disorder with some bipolar traits and serious anger management problems.   

Thanks.

Is the behavior similar but just not as extreme? Could it be a reaction to how you have changed as a result of what you have learned?

With some the disorder can lessen overtime especially as they get older (or so a dbt T told me).

The issues are triggered by situational events, so maybe there has been fewer triggers and a general better level of contentment in his life.

For what it is worth, I agree as well. BPD doesn't go away without intense therapy. I gather from your post that you haven't modified your behavior in significant ways. This leads me to think that maybe he has Bipolar, which, as I'm sure you know, is more about brain chemistry than emotional dysregulation. If that is the case, and he doesn't have BPD, then I am very happy for you! You know, the thing is... .  the tools you learn here have the ability to improve any relationship, BPD or not, so, hopefully it's been a good experience both reading and posting on this site.

As WR also pointed out, many people have reported a reduction in BPD symptoms as the sufferer ages. That doesn't seem to be the case with my dBPDw who is now in her mid 40's, so, I don't have any personal experience with this. With that said though, I would expect that those cases happen in a more gradual way, with BPD symptoms tapering off over a longer period of time.

Thanks for the replies.  I think maybe there's something to this.  Our lives have been pretty stable lately, maybe that's part of it.  Also he generally doesn't have a lot of friends, but he's been close with one co-worker lately and maybe that's helping too.

I've modified my behavior a bit... .  asserting myself more combined with affirming his feelings more, but I don't think it's been major enough to cause this much of a change.  In terms of age, we're both 37, so I think we haven't even hit mid-life crisis age yet... .     

No matter what he has, his diagnosis is 15 years old, neither of us is in therapy, and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him that he can't handle on his own.  I figure if I can learn something here it can't hurt, right?  Like CoDependent said, these techniques can improve any relationship.   I guess I should enjoy this while it lasts and not worry about what might be coming.  Also I've made the decision that if and when he dysregulates again, I'm going to start going to therapy, with or without him.

Individual therapy is best when BPD is involved, otherwise it gets bogged down in finger pointing, making things worse rather than healing