BPDFamily.com

so here was my most recent thread from my instance from the last couple days.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191810.0

The following I am writing is what transpired a little over an hour ago.

my Ex BPD GF contacted me last night and said that she will always care for me but can't love me in the way it was that it was just gone. I had a hard time grasping this but understood that it was probably the BPD with attaching and detaching. I told myself that I would not contact her and just leave it at that but I gave in and contacted her. Probably a bad idea but I'm glad I did it. I sent her a text in response to hers saying that I have no qualms, am not mad, or even upset at how she feels and can not tell her how she should or shouldn't feel because we are all entitled to that right. I told her however that it is not normal to cycle through emotions like that and just not have them anymore ( in regards to our relationship and feelings of love etc) especially by already seeing and talking to another guy in a romantic sense. I once again said that I have no issues with it and I do sincerely wish her the best of luck in whatever she does and hope she continues to try to be happy and find happiness and that I will always care for her in some way and love her in some way like she told me. I honestly wasn't expecting a response and knew I should have remained with NC but I did it for closure with myself and no one else. Got and Immediate response from her saying that "I don't think I was ever in love in the first place" My heart sank and it was this moment of clarity that I knew whoever I was talking too was not the same person I "knew" and to be honest I was dating someone who was mentally Ill our entire relationship. She then asked me like 5 minutes later "what do you honestly want from me" and we called each other and SHE RAGED LIKE I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE. I told her that I wanted nothing from her and hope that we could be cordial with each other as I am close to members of her family in a friendship sense and will probably have to see her to some extent due to that and other reasons which is hard to explain and that I only meant to wish her well and move on. Well that turned into me being a F***ed up person who is ate up. That I was the one who was wrong  because when relationships end so do the feelings and I am stalking her now and can't get over it because I am in puppy love nothing more. SHe wasted a year of her life and knew we would never work and etc etc etc. I was upset at the raging but finally had the moment of clarity that I needed that she is sick in a way I will never understand  and me finally realizing that instead of believing I could beat the odds was a moment of clarity for me. I am moving onwards and not looking back especially after tonight's little episode. I should have listened to people who told me that it wouldn't work and she was sick and everything else but I did care about this person and that is hard to grasp myself at times. But I fought for something I thought was right in my heart and did all I could. I'm glad I did that and stood for something than gave up and having a million what ifs and regrets and be defeated in that sense. My time on these boards are not over. I know there are others out there going through the same pain I am going through and dealing with similar issues and if I can help anyone like you all have helped me then positive energy, love and good karma will be throughout. Thank you everyone I can truly say this is the most liberated I have felt in the past year and it is a darn good feeling |iiii

p.s. mnwushu89... .  Paragraphs! :)

It's just easier for us all to read.

That really nails it, doesn't it? So many of us can relate. Our brain understands it, but it takes our heart longer... .  

Haha yeah guess that I forgot what paragrapgs were. Once I started writing I just let it flow haha. Unfortunately it will take my heart a lot longer to process but my mind is no longer questioning things

I understand you contacted her for closure for yourself, but as your experience has re-demonstrated, whenever we attempt to get "closure" by re-engage, we end up being further triggered by their disordered reactions. 

When you wrote to her that her behaviors are "not normal" you may as well be telling her that she has borderline personality disorder, she reacted more or less in the same way as if you did.  I suspect part of the reason why she reacted in such a drastic way is because some part of her suspects that something is wrong with her, but she does not want to face it.  And so you and any other messenger of the like would be received very poorly.


It is hard to accept, but when they say "I don't think I ever felt <<fill in the blank>>" this is their admission of part of their disorder.  Others have described a pwBPD's *lack of object constancy* as [intermittent] "emotional amnesia."  This is yet another behavior that reminds me of their "splitting" behavior.  When they no longer feel a certain way towards you (such as love), they cannot remember *ever* feeling this way towards you.  Just like when they idealize you: they can't imagine ever *not* liking you, and have "always" loved you.

When you feel that this "was not the same person [you knew]" this is a first hand observation of their "identity disturbances."  When she was attached to you, you knew her as the person you knew.  But the minute she is attached to someone else, it is almost as if you never knew her, because now her personality has shifted to accommodate another person.  This is a *personality* disorder.


Prepare yourself for the "distortion campaign" that she is likely to mount against you.  She will lobby all of her family members to insist that you were <<fill in generic devaluation>> and she will be convincing and sincere (as delusions can be).  Should any one of her family members question her perspective, they will be written off, or else made an offer they cannot refuse.  I suspect she does this because it is not enough for her to maintain her delusions about you, she will insist that everyone else subscribe to her distortions as well.


We all must take our own paths and learn our lessons in our own ways.  There is no right or wrong way to go about it, there is only our own way, our own path.  You may find, though, that for some time it will feel as though disengaging from pwBPD can be just as painful and difficult as the effort it takes to stay with them.  However, when disengaging, there will be an end to the pain, and we will heal.

Best wishes, Schwing

mnwushu89 - I'm so sorry you had to go through that.  However, I think it will make you stronger. 

Gaslit - great point that our brain understands it - I think mine did from very early days thinking back, as I remember thinking how things that happened were strange.  Yes, the heart takes longer.  I've never thought about it like that before, but you hit the nail on the head.  Thanks for that.