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I am having trouble with my D25 latest downfall.  This was about the 12th overdose attempt (this one was a 3 day binge) and the cutting is getting more severe.  When I went to get some things from her apartment I found it an absolute pig sty: dishes caked and sitting in a huge pile and dirty dishes everywhere.  Candy wrappers, food containers, money,clothes, gifts, etc all over the floor.  A floor so sticky that you could hardly lift your foot up without it sticking (Marshmallow Fluff is almost as good as glue!). Of course among the dozens of pop cans and pills, there were all her knives that she uses.  I suspect from picking up several Phillips screwdrivers, she is using those too.

   I have validated, set boundaries, etc.  This has been a long road for over 14 years.  I am tired of knowing the acute hospital staff by name and even know if they worked on the Children's Ward (she was there for months).

   I told her that I will never clean anything for her again.  That if she wants to be kicked out and homeless, I can not stop it.  I grew up with a difficult childhood and my main way of survival was to put up walls.  I was pretty successful at denying any feelings and just going through the motion of living.

   I feel like the wall is going up again. Right now I think that she will end up homeless, dead or in a coma if she escalates her behaviors anymore. She tried to hang herself at our house after overdosing about 2 years ago, and I can see that happening again.  As a mother having a daughter who has such pain, anger, depression and  self-destructiveness is heartbreaking.

                                                                  Tightrope Walker 

   

Dear Tightrope, I hear your pain and agony... .  the desperation. My heart is breaking for you. Is there something specific we can help with? Do you have a therapist that can help you through this pain. How is your self care?

Being Mindful

 :'(



 


We are here for you!

Tightrope my heart breaks for you and your daughter. She is in unimaginable pain as are you. I want to say I hate this illness but saying that is of little help when the only relief can really come from radical acceptance. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Learning

Thank-you for your support.  Yes, I have a great therapist.  I think I just needed to vent the feelings out to people who really understand the nature of the illness and how quickly things change.  The hospital is not releasing her right away and are changing her meds.  No more of the certain pills that she uses the most in her overdosing.  If she needs an additional medication at the present, it is given to her in injection form.  I am at least thankful that the staff is recognizing how unstable she became this time.

                                                                Tightrope Walker