BPDFamily.com

I don't even know where to start today. We have worked together for 3 yrs and been together for 2. She got another job and wednesday was her last day. I had a plan for a week to end it yesterday. It came and went. I got so anxious,  and just pleased her the best I could as usual. I don't work on fridays and she doesn't start her new job till monday. I ran her around to do some errands and then took her to breakfast. She got pissed in the middle of breakfast (again, and again... .  ) because I would not friend her on FB after she kicked me off over a year ago. She acts 12 about it and I don't want the added stress. I asked if she wanted to go to a store that I like and it was no, not really interested. OK, I asked her what she wanted to do for the rest of our afternoon, "go home and take a nap". So I take her home and we lay down. She asks, "do you think we are drifting apart since I don't work with you anymore". After the morning of doing whatever she wanted and taking it about FB again, and She asks that? I said you take a nap and I'll go home and get some things done. I have chowed my nails, my stomach is in knots, and I just keep eating it. She has a 5 yr old boy who calls me Daddy and I have played that roll willingly. If I break it off, She will throw that at me and ask "what I am gonna do about him now that he thinks you're his dad". She has in the past and she gets vile-mean about it. I just feel like a rug right now and I just want to tell her off eventhough I don't want to argue (I never win, and there is no Tie!) I wish so much I can be done with this. She lives just down the street and I cant seem to say no to her. I am so co-dependent and I feel really abused. I feel like I have lost me and lost my life. I have written on here for the past couple weeks and I must seem really pathetic. I FEEL SO STUCK!

Hi clancy,

You aren't pathetic. You are being honest and vulnerable. And venting. It sounds like you are at the point of really wanting departure. About her son: Talk to him. Don't let her use the threat to her son's bond with you to control you. You are his new father figure, but you can talk to him even though he is only five and explain that you care for him but that you will be leaving, and that it is in no way his fault.

If you feel abused and like a rug, you need to take yourself back and heal.

Thats rough. The fact you live close will make it hard.

You can offer to be there for her son,  but pwBPD are so all or nothing I don't know that she would handle it too well. My uPBDbf has been Daddy to my daughter for four years & I always tell him that even if we are not together, I will not keep him from her, he can pick her up & see her whenever he wants. So the visits usually start coming  when I am no longer black & he wants to maintain his "in." Should we ever break up for good, I am sure she will no longer exist to him, atleast until he decides not to hate me.

breaking up is never easy, nor is there ever an easy time. if you really want out, you have to just rip off the banaid. Noone deserves to be miserable. And if you can't even go out for a meal without dealing with a headache, then I don't blame you for wanting out. There are times I wish my bf was "normal" because some of the things he says to puerile are embarrassing, but I just tell myself we'll never see them again. He & I normally get along great, otherwise I don't think I could deal.

Since you have your own place, you always have the option to walk away from the drama, whether it be leaving her in a restaurant to find her own way home. Highly after a few times of you saying "if you don't stop with this behavior I am walking away"then getting up & leaving, she would get the hint. But it sounds like you arealready done.

I have actually read in a lot of books that not all BPD's exhibit the behavior on their children. Some can compartmentalize that. My BPD is extremely BPD in his intimate relationships he has had but is a great devoted father and his children are grown and they don't even believe he has BPD. He has made them believe it was all their mothers fault for her so called nagging. I guess you do have to nag when your the only sane adult in the whole house. Both his grown children abuse drugs and exhibit BPD behavior themselves but he chases them all over the place and ALWAYS idealizes them.  They could kill someone and he would be standing there defending it. If I even look sideways at him I will get blacked for months and Probably cheated on and everything else. I loved him so much you wouldn't believe it. He uses my love to manipulate me because he KNOWS I love him more than anything. He just has a fear of loving me back he feels too vulnerable. At least that is how it seems to me.

I'm sorry I misread your post. I thought you had a baby with your BPD. I do know that it certainly gets ingrained in children. My BPD's children both seem to have BPD and I may be crazy but I have seen some strange behavior in my BPD,s four year old grand baby. She gives the silent or ignore treatment. I couldn't believe it the first time I saw it but the whole bunch has BPD.

clancy -

Maybe you need more time to prepare to "leave" the relationship.  Don't beat yourself up.  Instead of making yourself sick over it you could cut yourself some slack.

When I was going to counseling about leaving my H I came to a place where I was making myself sick.  It was like I knew I needed to move out, but I kept getting stuck.  My couselor kind of set me free in the sense that he told me I could just prepare to move out so I can feel free to move out when ready and not have to make that decision right away.

So, I started spending more and more time alone.  I started thinking about where I would live, what I would do with my time, all that.  Envisioned my life living apart from my H.  I even slowly started sorting through things and separating it out where it wasn't too obvious.

I know this isn't your exact situation, but maybe you can do things like:

1) Stop sharing all your daily personal experiences with her, etc. (start to detach more and more)

2) Start getting involved in hobbies, meetup groups or whatever that you would like to spend time doing - further building you life outside of her.

3) Slowly get your things back from her place/return things to her place (if any.)

If you can't spend less and less time with her without it being a big deal/emotional drain - maybe just start focusing more on the time you are away from her doing things you would like to be doing single. 

When you do decide to end it, perhaps you could have trip for a long weekend planned - turning your phone off and being unavailable to let it sink and and give yourself time to get past the initial panic.

I wish I knew more to tell you.  It's not easy.  Once it's done, I'm sure you will feel huge relief!

I am so glad I have this site. All your words me everthing to me! I almost do feel able to think for myself. My stuff lately has felt very drama filled and that adds to the "losing myself" feeling. Lady, I will try to not share as much with her, thank you. I am usually able to talk about my day, but she doesn't usually listen. Her head is stuck to her FB or text messeges and I don't remember having a decent "back and forth" conversation with her ever. When I am not at her place, I come home and feel drained and expected to be back there as soon as possible, so I always feel like I am not being considerate when I am here at home. That is very sick! I try not to leave anything at her house or bring anything of hers here so I don't have to have a "door open" when I ever get the courage up to finally end it. I have known for probably a tear and a half of the 2 years we have been together that I can't live my life with her. I keep naming things that keep tearing down my confidence. I do find myself daily trying to help her (comfort her, destress, breathe, anything to make her feel better) and then I don't take care of myself. I feel like I know what I need to do to take care of myslef, but can't seem to pull the trigger on doing it. I feel like I am abandoning somone that was abandon by significant people for her whole childhood. And she will just look at me like one of those people. Thank you so much for helping me. I don't seem able to do it myself lately.

Better spelled version, Some things didn't make sense in the last one. :)

I am so glad I have this site. All your words mean everthing to me! I almost don't feel able to think for myself. My stuff lately has felt very drama filled and that adds to the "losing myself" feeling. 'Lady', I will try to not share as much with her, thank you. I am usually able to talk about my day, but she doesn't usually listen. Her head is stuck to her FB or text messeges and I don't remember having a decent "back and forth" conversation with her ever. When I am not at her place, I come home and feel drained and expected to be back there as soon as possible, so I always feel like I am not being considerate when I am here at home. That is very sick! I try not to leave anything at her house or bring anything of hers here so I don't have to have a "door open" when I ever get the courage up to finally end it. I have known for probably a year and a half of the 2 years we have been together that I can't live my life with her. I keep naming things that keep tearing down my confidence. I do find myself daily trying to help her (comfort her, destress, breathe, anything to make her feel better) and then I don't take care of myself. I feel like I know what I need to do to take care of myself, but can't seem to pull the trigger on doing it. I feel like I am abandoning somone that was abandon by significant people for her whole childhood. And she will just look at me like one of those people. Thank you so much for helping me. I don't seem able to do it myself lately.