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I'm not entirely sure if this is the right part of the forum to ask this but I was wondering how other people here feel that their BPD parents affected the way they relate to others… (I mean specifically the negative/unhealthy ways).

I have a thing, which I've been noticing lately, in which I'm afraid of other people taking revenge on me in some way if I piss them off too much. I don't remember my mother being the vindictive type so I'm not entirely sure if that really came from her or not… she may have been afraid of other people taking revenge on her on a number of occasions so that might be it but I'm afraid I can't say for sure where this comes from, which is why I'm wondering if this is a common phenomenon among adult children of BPD parents.

I also tend to be kind of afraid of making others feel rejected... .  to a point that I've, on several occasions, given people the wrong impression about being interested in their company or whatnot when it was just about fear that they'd get pissed if I told them I'm not interested in their company or in letting them fix my roof or whatever.

So I'm just wondering if this kind of thing is common and what do people generally do about it if it is…

Parents with BPD project their negativity onto their children Inappropriately. As a kid you believe it and make it your own viewpoint. You have to distinguish what's true for you.

Okay, and yeah, I know, I just want to figure out how to get over this. I've tried looking into it in other places and it doesn't seem to be a BPD thing so I'm just trying to figure out what it's about.

I'm afraid of rejection. I try very hard not to offend people. If I don't hear from a friend in a while, I worry excessively that I've done something wrong and the person is angry and not going to speak to me again. I'm so used to months of the silent treatment over nothing.

There could definitely be a link to your upbringing, but it might also be something that you've learned over time. You're aware of your fears of revenge or offending others now, which makes it easier to spot the coinciding behaviors and deal with them appropriately.

Have you been able to catch yourself when you've found yourself in a situation where you're afraid that you're offending someone and been able to change your message or behavior?

Well… to give you an idea of what I'm talking about… a few months ago I got the impression that I got a lot less on my paycheck than I should have because they forgot to add something in there for a vacation we went on that I should have gotten paid for. I asked the secretary about it and she told me to turn to my direct manager about it… so even though we're talking about a rather significant sum, I dropped the subject because I was afraid of annoying my manager about that… and mind you, I like my manager and she likes me. In fact I probably wouldn't be that afraid of approaching her if I didn't like her or thought she liked me.

Another thing is that whenever something needs fixing around the apartment, I'd rather pay for it myself in full than even mention to the landlords that something needs fixing (in my building each apartment has its' own landlord btw). Mind you, when my mother was alive she always insisted on letting the landlords know when something was broken and on having it deducted from the rent… and I would always get extremely nervous about that. Even though they're very nice people and I've always gotten along with them, I'm afraid they'll suddenly decide to up the rent or even evict me if I annoy them too much.

So I'm thinking that my fear of people might be a bit excessive but I also sometimes have had a tendency of getting  involved with people who turned out to be rather fearsome after all… so I'm not exactly sure where or when to draw the line and when and to what extent I ought to be afraid…

My goodness, justnothing, I read your last post and saw myself! Are you terribly afraid of not being "nice"? Do you constantly question whether or not you have the right to ask for something?

My own mother was the same, certainly assertive -- nay, aggressive -- about going after her "rights". In fact, she is notorious for being rude and demanding to people she is trying to do business with. Was your mother like that?

Erm… not exactly… it's kind of complicated and sort of depends on the circumstances…

I tend to be shy and afraid of "not being nice" when it comes to dealing with people who act "nice" themselves regardless of if they seem genuinely nice or not… but when it comes to aggressive people I can [and have] sometimes become more than a little aggressive and hostile myself.

Like in the case of my downstairs neighbor… when we first met he acted in a rather aggressive, domineering way (I'm not the only person he's acted like this with btw so I know it's not just my own perception) and I, in turn, pretty much bit his head off… so after that he started being a lot nicer and more respectful and I started being a lot nicer towards him back… only… a few days ago, I was in a good mood when I met him on the street and was a bit too chatty and all of a sudden he suggested that I give him the equivalent of two months' rent so that he can personally fix the roof because my bathroom ceilings' been leaking and this causes a leak in his apartment as well.

Now I've tried dealing with the roof issue myself in the past couple of months by getting the building management involved and by having a professional inspect the roof… he said, in no uncertain terms, that there was nothing that could be done until summer time… When I told my neighbor this he said that "all it takes is one week without rain and it can be done!"… and, again, "all" he wants in return is an amount of money that's about 4 times the cost of the supplies it would take to have the roof fixed (I've already looked into that) for an unprofessionally job that'll probably be botched up as soon as it rains… but because he was being "nice" at the time, instead of aggressive, I told him I'd think about it and even though I am absolutely, 100% sure he's just trying to scam me, I'm suddenly afraid of saying "no" because I'm afraid that'll piss him off and he'll retaliate and make my life hell if I don't do whatever he wants… And I realize that this doesn't make any sense because if only he had been aggressive or mean at the time, I would have had no qualms about ripping his limbs off… and I wouldn't have been afraid of retaliation over that… I know this sounds totally ridiculous but it's like I don't know how to be assertive with people when they're not hostile…

I guess you could say that (other than the fear of retaliation) with "nice" people I feel like I have no "right" to be mean, or, for that matter, to even be assertive (or even mildly assertive) or else I'd be doing something wrong and then I'd sort of "deserve" punishment for it… which I think subconsciously might be what the fear of retaliation is really about (this just hit me now btw).


To answer your question btw, my mother knew how to be aggressive with people whenever she wanted and had a tendency to be that way with them most of the time. This was something she prided herself on because she said she also used to be afraid of people when she was younger and she tried to encourage me to be more like her… which I'd rather not be, for the most part, even if being a pushover isn't exactly fun… with her it seemed to pretty much destroy her relations with everyone around her, even if she didn't notice it.

I've tried talking to my T about the thing with my neighbor and to my surprise she's also in favor of the aggressive approach… so I'm not quite sure what to think about all this right now. I guess I should try talking to her some more about it. At any rate getting this on "paper" is surprisingly helpful.

Sometimes it helps to keep in mind that not everything is personal. Payroll made a mistake. That happens quite often at my company for various reasons. I'm a manager, and if I made a payroll mistake, I need to fix it, or my employees will not receive the pay they're entitled to. I'm willing to bet that your manager won't take it personally if you mention the payroll glitch. It's not personal--it's your pay.

As for the neighbor, this doesn't have to be personal either. You don't own the building, right? If you don't own it, it's up to the landlord/owner/property manager to get the repairs done. Your neighbor might take it personally if you don't ask him to fix it, but you have a rock-solid non-personal reason why you won't ask him to repair the roof--it's not your property. Trust your gut instinct on this one, be polite and firm, and keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about him as a person.

Thank you and you're right.  I'll try to work on that some more.

I know exactly what you mean, justnothing, about feeling as though you can be aggressive when someone else is being aggressive, but have to be "nice" otherwise. Can't tell you how to handle it, unfortunately, but I do understand.

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

This is me too!

Maybe look into High Conflict therapy/self help. Once you can learn to handle high conflict, then you become less afraid of potential conflict situations.

Similarly I have learned a lot about diffusing/avoiding/stopping conflict with mt BPDso. As side result, I now dont fear that conflict and am quite confident in raising contentious issues that are obviously going to trigger a reaction, because I know how to limit escalation and consequencies.

Well the thing is that my problem isn't so much with high conflict but more like with a fear of the other person getting back at me later on…

It so happens that in my workplace I have to deal with high conflict and deescalating people on a daily basis… but it's not a problem when I know it's people who can't actually hurt me. It's like I feel like people would do that over even tiny irritations and not even full blown conflict.

I've discussed this at length this past week with my T at any rate…

Great question,

as a son of  BPD upbringing it shaped who and what I was till age 44. Then I met my ex and coming from a highly critical and abusive upbringing during the honeymoon to be praised was a hole in my personality. Something I now know I had been hanging out for all my life. I was not only accepted initially at least for who and what I was I was praised.  Then of course it changed and went back fleetingly there.

My issues actually came from childhood and I suspect many others also had some similar problem. Anyhow it left me pre BPD relationship hanging out for that acceptance and praise and it also had left me with a tolerance for abuse that was huge.

On how things change and the BPD journey and discovering who and what you are at age 47 after 3 years in the shredder was just part of it. I allowed the BPD relationship to go on, ignored my parent and in many ways had boundaries if she went too far ... .  but the key to all of this is Boundaries !

Yes it has changed me forever even my relationship with a milder BPD mother. I will no longer tolerate things as I once did. no one should !

Relationships and how I relate to others outside in the community again changed forever. In the past on occasion I had picked up friends who were lost sheep or hurt doves, even my ex BPD partner was one of these. I had dated others with similar if not the same traits prior to this but walked away.

Boundaries are what changed me and some techniques on this site for having contact with a BPD parent and how to deal with it. Wise Mind I suppose is how I have operated for 30 years with her, but on occasion she sometimes gets involved and highly critical to the point of being destructive and then beyond. Now I enforce these boundaries with gutso to protect me and signal it is not acceptable for this behavior.

Now I do the same with the outside world.

I use something as a template this article ... .   

   

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

If a friends doesn't meet the standard they are no longer there. If a relationship whether personal or romantic or family even the public is not acting in this way ... .  I tend to enforce the boundary.

Not an excuse I just have lean rt a hard lesson to do this and get what I want ! WHAT I WANT ... .  and deserve as does anyone else. 

Do I feel guilt for enforcing this boundary ? Yes at times its hard and part of a flea I suspect, but if being abused by my mother who yes I love but accept she will never change I just walk away.

If a friend is being not like a friend I do the same. not out of some schoolyard childish reaction ... .  but some action that is works. Sometimes our closest friends tell us things we maybe need to improve but not in an abusive or manipulative way. i give them my love and support and expect the same back. Again not needing their validation or whatever but being my friend and someone who I love not in the romantic way is what human interaction in so many ways is about. not fair weather friends, not friends who only want something ... .  ones who you share parts of your life with.

Strange post BPD relationship my friends were always my friends. My best friends one of 30 years another of 25 years some longer since childhood were and are still there. Some of the others I think at acquaintance level failed so badly when I examined the dynamics of things.

Others living in a small town just kept bringing up my ex BPD partner. I did not tell them of my decision to no longer be interested in them just when i ran into them talked for 30 seconds and said i had to rush off. They are blissfully unaware of my actions and happy to keep it that way. last week at a function a person I knew actually mentioned the person my ex ran off with and my ex numerous times in the course of about 2 hours. I couldn't avoid him as we were at the same table, I didn't react just went in my mind your an (@_(@$*(_. Such is life.

Dealing with strangers post BPD rs and growth. Its not picking fights or anything like it but at times standing up for yourself. In a line in the past waiting to be served if someone barged in front of me I would shrug my shoulders and go whatever. Had this actually happen a few times in the last 12 months and flexed a muscle which I never used in the past, a backbone. one I pulled up for pushing in front actually came back at me. I pointed out without raising my voice there is a line and would he be so kind if he would join it, he still came back, I responded again to the amusement of all those in the line. Did I feel guilty ? I did ... .  but he was doing the wrong thing and next time it will be easier. Did the same to someone else and they just ignored me as much as they could with 10 people behind me waiting he pushed in front of the person in front of me ... .  Again I pointed out realities and I suspect he may hesitate next time before doing it.

Anyhow yes yes and yes changed for the better post RS. Not about picking fights or even looking for them. if someone does not meet the criteria for being a friend ... .  they aren't. If some stranger crosses a boundary tell them and why. not to be aggro or pick a fight ... .  that it is unacceptable for them to do so. If they react with indignant anger when you pick them up on doing the wrong thing, don't back down immediately just point out their error and see if they do. If they comment or grumble, words are words and they don't meet any criteria for anyone I would want to associate with either way.

Much happier with MORE friends not less. Picking ones YOU WANT in your life is I suppose the outcome. That verses those who fall into your life and you have them there. I choose my friends and cultivate them and cherish them for what they are. All different and with different qualities.

Take care