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Title: We are a vessel for their angst... Post by: Newton on January 12, 2013, 06:50:06 PM I'm not sure where I am going with this It's a mini vent I guess :) ... . It was an intense brief feeling of anger, then loss... . followed by calm... . It lasted but 20 seconds yet felt very significant... . to me.
Just thought I'd share it ... . I guess if I rationalized the moment... . which I'm a little too good at doing rather than 'feeling' ... . (lot's of us seem to have schizoid/avoidant tendencies here that I've noticed)... . it would be a real sense of acceptance that... . (reluctant to repeat the thread title so a little refinement perhaps)... . ... . "We allowed ourselves to be used as a vessel for their angst"... . :'(... . I suppose working through this for myself means accepting I was enmeshed... . totally... . and also accepting that stepping back far enough emotionally from her to protect myself and be healthy didn't constitute what I want or need from a relationship now. Any healthy relationship is surely about love, balance, mutual respect and compromise. For now, in my mind, having that sort of relationship with a pwBPD looks like 90%-10% (on a good day)... . errrm... . no thanks! Title: Re: We are a vessel for their angst... Post by: myself on January 12, 2013, 08:07:59 PM Like we were a screen their movie was being projected on.
"What's the film tonight, honey? Oh, the one where I'm both the hero and the villian? I don't really like that one... . Well, not parts of it. I know we're already rewriting the script as we go, but can there be some kind of happier ending this time? There can't? Oh, only if I go and make a movie of my own, without you? You sure you don't want to come along for that? Be partners? Oh, Ok. I'm going to limp away now." Intermission. Then: The Main Attraction. Title: Re: We are a vessel for their angst... Post by: seeking balance on January 12, 2013, 10:58:32 PM Wouldn't this be a personal inventory post?
Title: Re: We are a vessel for their angst... Post by: Newton on January 13, 2013, 03:41:26 AM Possibly... . I posted it on L3 as it felt like another stage of detachment, for me... . but encompassed in a few seconds.
I regularly see red-flag for people with potential pd's ... . understanding my thankfully diminishing desires to "be" there for them, and detaching from that desire seems just as essential as detaching from a particular individual... . Within the dynamic of a rs with a pwBPD by objectifying myself as a "vessel"... . (although I like the movie screen idea from myself very much :)) ... . it helps to depersonalize some of the acting out behaviours, and improves my self esteem as I now consider myself to be worth more than merely a receptacle for someone else's feelings. I also appreciate that I need to be mindful of holding onto that knowledge as pwBPD can be so very alluring And as I look across to the right, the mental process I went through to achieve relief certainly looks like stages of detachment... . I'm cool with the post on L3 *) ... . if the powers that be see fit... . it'll be moved. |