BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

uBPDh and I have been separated 3 months (same house still, sharing mortgage).  It's been a tense but relatively peaceful state of co-existence with fairly minimal interaction.

I found a note he wrote to himself which didn't sound suicidal but indicated he's in a very dark place. We are barely speaking, and I am unsure of what support  he is getting from friends (no therapy) so I messaged his mother and just let her know about note and hoped she would call to check on him.  Instead she messaged us BOTH backs with a response indicating she hoped we could reconcile our marriage (that could be another thread).  Of course, he is LIVID.

He exploded, fortunately in writing, at both of us.  A loong and VERY nasty response - Mr. Hyde has emerged!  I'm in the guest room and plan to go for a walk soon and stay in room most of day.  I want to send a short response to him (I will work on a longer one later addressing the impending divorce, etc. but not until I see my T this week). 

My goal is to acknowledge his anger and dissipate it for now as much as possible.

Here is what I am thinking and NEED ADVICE PLEASE:

SET:  I care about you very much and worry about how you are feeling (doing).

EMPATHY:  I can understand why you were upset that I read your note and messaged your mother.  (I would have felt the same way... .  ?)

TRUTH:  We are both struggling with a difficult situation (?) and your note sounded like you might be thinking of self-harm.  ... .    I really don't know what to say for the truth!  He is self-destructing - how do I say that he has talked of suicide before and I want to make sure he has support if he needs it.

NEED ADVICE.

Thank you so much!

TRUTH:  maybe something like this... .  ?

If I see indications that you are thinking of self-harm, I will contact one of your friends instead of your mother.

That's not good is it?

Really need help here... .  

My T told me to call 911 immediately if he ever threatens suicide again (used to do it all the time -- has not during this separation).

But what do I do with this situation?

atcrossroads... .  I am not trying to be "clever" with this response... .  please read between the lines as my next few sentences are obvious SET... .  

"atcrossroads I truly care for your emotional well being and want to help you with my post response, it must have been awfully worrying to read that note from your SO... .  it would have triggered all sorts of fears if I'd found that... .  this isn't something we, friends or family are trained to deal with and it's not our responsibility to talk our partners down from suicide ideation.  There are professionals to contact who are trained for this".

Do you see where I am coming from?... .  If it hints at it, then contact the appropriate people

I would Go to the staying board with this or even the legal board... .  the folks on leaving rarely practice what you are asking... .  go to the pros... .  

Your T is right, call 911... .  

Do not JADE ... .  justify, argue, defend or explain... .  set a boundary, suicide talk = 911 call

Thanks so much guys!  Seeking, I will copy and paste it over to the staying board.  I know a lot on the leaving board, though, used these techniques until they made their decision to go, hence I tried it here.

Cartman -- break it down for me.  I'm feeling anxious, running on fumes (not sleeping well these days), and just don't get it.  I mean, I kind of get it.  I should call a professional.  I shouldn't have messaged his mom (I see that was a bad choice!)  -- but I don't fully get it.  He has definitely threatened suicide in past, and my T and I have discussed calling 911.  This note though was not suicidal but simply showed he is in a very low and dark place.  I have lots of support - T, family, friends - I don't think he's getting much support.

Anyway, thanks, and yes, Cartman - would love you to put that in layman's terms since my mind is feeling super dull and numb right now.  All my cylinders are not firing... .  duh.

Thank you so much for the responses!