BPDFamily.com

So, I started a letter to my BPD mother. While I havent actually said anything substantial yet I feel like its a good foundation. Thoughts?

Here it is:


I am writing this to you because it is finally my turn to speak candidly. Life is too short to spend it walking on eggshells, especially for someone who could never stop hating you. And I have some things I need to say.

Let me start by making it clear that the love I have for you is unconditional. And while you tell me that you are second best in my eyes, the ironic reality is that I am the one and only person who has ever loved you without conditions. Even after this letter is written and everything is out in the open where it belongs my love for you is the same... .  as much to the detriment to me that may be.

I am really struggling with the tone of this letter. While part of me is angry and hurt and resentful, the other part of me is proud of the respect and maturity I have always maintained with you and would like to keep that intact. I plan to remain calm and clear in the writing of this letter so that I can feel confident that I spoke to you in a precise manner, completely void of anything that could be confusing or misread.

So let's start from the beginning... .  

It's a good start. Think about what you hope to gain from sending this letter, as someone mentioned in a previous thread. Are you establishing boundaries? Asking for space? Is this to communicate your needs to your mother or correct her behavior? It would help us give you better feedback if we have a clear idea of what you're trying to say.


Is it  supposed to say "loving" instead?

It sounds like it's important to you to affirm to her (and maybe to yourself) that you love her and are capable of dealing with her in a calm, controlled manner.  That was probably very helpful in managing situations when she was raging and out of control and the love between you wasn't so clear and the chaos of the situation was frightening.    

I think it's quite good.  I have a suggestion though... instead of writing and giving it to her, have you thought about writing it, getting it all out then tearing it up (or burning it)?  It's a really good exercise.  It really purges the feelings you have.  Or make one for you and one for her.  One you can burn with everything you can't say to her directly. 

Take care.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read it... .  Most of your questions were regarding needing to know what the intent of my letter was.

I have tried LC with her and I know now that NC is the only way to be healthy. She is an all or nothing person. Even when I try to be LC she will try to suck me in with some cancer scare or something. Even though I dont believe her anymore its still very stressful. The point of this letter is just to know that after 20 years of abuse I am finally exposing everything and telling her everything I know to have been a lie.