BPDFamily.com

Any out there that have been married for a short time? I have been married less than two years. No children together. My ex keeps threatening about what the judge is going to do to me when he gets the evidence of what a controlling, evil man I am. We both have collected "evidence" on one another. This is one of the reasons I want out. I am tired of saving texts. Attempting to gather voice recordings. It has been exausting. At this point is a judge going to be looking to assign blame? Or more likely decide sposal support, property division, etc. These threats worry me. My attorney feels fault will not really be an issue, that a judge will not want to listen to two people blaming one another. I know if it were up to her she would just enjoy watching me squirm so that she can "expose" me. Any thoughts or experience?

Your attorney should be able to explain to you how the process works where you live.

Where I live, if there are no kids, and if the financial issues aren't too complicated, there is no "blame".  Assets are divided according to the court's guidelines - basically everything you accumulated during the marriage is split.  And alimony is figured out according to the court's guidelines too - usually not for very long when the marriage was short.

I think if you learn about the process you'll see that all the "evidence" and "evil" stuff is a waste of time.  It has nothing to do with how divorces work when there are no kids.

Get advice mostly from your lawyer. I had all sorts of "helpful" people giving me crappy advice, like how to stop the divorce, how much money I "should" get, how I should demand that he get a psych eval done, what evidence I can bring to court.

Bottom line, I got nothing. We were married 13 months when he filed for divorce. I didn't get alimony, I didn't get half his house, I didn't get his pension, NOTHING (Note: I wouldn't have asked for any of those things, but the point is, I couldn't, even if I wanted to). I did try to prolong the divorce and the only thing that got me was an extra $2k in legal fees. I would have saved myself money by just signing the first documents that got handed to me.

Especially without children, a divorce is basically the severing of a business r/s. Judge didn't care whose "fault" it was (since we only have no-fault divorces in my state). Judge didn't care if the marriage was not irretrievably broken. Didn't care that there wasn't one session of counseling, didn't care that my ex lied, didn't care about duress or pain.

I am being divorced by my UBPD (w/NPD traits) HUSBAND and as he forced me out of the home-a fact that he's not disputing, and I had no job and little money I will be getting temp. support and longer term support.(that will basically put me back where I was, had we not met)

Under 2 years married, no kids, no joint debt, he owned a home that he sold just a few weeks ago-violating the divorce agreement-not sure how that will play out. It doesn't make him or his attorney look good. They filed first!

What you get , what she gets or what either one is entitled to really depends on many factors-I believe there are more than 16 that come into play in determining support guidelines where I live. Depends on wages, debt, assets... .  who has what.

Unless your spouse lies, refuses to produce documentation or falsifies evidence-it's pretty straightforward.

Watch out for accusations of abuse... .  even if she alleges totally false charges they have to be looked at. The "Splitting" book was pretty clear on that. Allegations are taken seriously, if they get to court.(according to the book)

good luck,

GL

Of course she threatened how the judge will throw the book at you.  She's entitled, always right, refuses to be reasonable, won't listen to reason.  What else would you expect?

Yes, it should be straightforward... .  simple division of assets/debts during the marriage (depends upon state laws), possibly limited spousal support during the divorce, alimony unlikely after the divorce.

However, your stbx could make it an extended/expensive divorce.  A lot depends on whether she chooses to make allegations, seeks a restraining order, obstructs or delays the process, etc.  So for your own protection do keep documenting until the divorce is final.

Appreciate the advice. As far as documentation should be in my favor. So many texts saying what a lousy this and that I am. An hour or two later will send texts of regret and saying that she wants me happy and that no one deserves the hell she has given me. Just had to come to a point of being willing to accept whatever fallout there is in order to regain some sanity. It's just a crazy process. She quit a job when we married and blames me for that too. She couldn't wait to quit! She was sick all the time anyway. Now she wants to say I wanted her to quit. I'm just hopeful for some resolution either way. Thanks for the posts. They are helpful.

Honestly, I think the court rolls over and yawns when cases like yours come forward. They get tired of watching grown ups sling mud at each other and just want to cut things down the middle. Their real job is dealing with custody stuff.

A bigger problem for you will be the exasperating ways that your stbx will try to obstruct what should be a simple divorce. Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? That book helps explain the love affair that many pwBPD have for an adversarial court system. Truly, the only people who win are the Ls.

I did read that book. I think I have read 8 or 10 books trying to get a grip on this. I wish her no harm. I am happy to work something out or abide by the court's decision. I think she just sees it as an opportunity to hurt me and somehow pay me back. There are moments when she is almost reasonable. Then she will have a flashback to some perceived way I have wronged her and go almost into a blind rage and punishment mode. It's tough.

Yeah, it's sad. And frustrating. And expensive.

I re-read my message and realized it came off as though I was minimizing your experience -- I meant it as a condemnation against the courts.  It's been an eye-opener for me to see how messy and imperfect the system is, not just with custody issues but with all parts of the divorce. I have a friend who is a magistrate and it bothers me how patronizing and condescending she is about the people who pass through her courts. I have such a different perspective now that I've been there.