BPDFamily.com

I have been married for 33 years to a partner with BPD. I finally was fed up and threatened to leave if he didn't go and see a therapist and find out what was wrong with him. He went and has finally been diagnosed with BPD.

I feel like I'm going crazy but I want to remain in the relationship. I'm trying to find ways to not let his actions, words and behaviours control my life.

I want to be as normal as I can be in my crazy world!

Hi

congrats on making it to this board! It seems like you are struggeling.  What are the reasons for wanting to stay?

I want to stay because I truly love the the times when BPD does not interfere with our lives. We have two beautiful adult children and a son-in-law. We have had some wonderful times and I keep hoping that there are more wonderful times ahead.

 *welcome* YOU made a step by posting here, and know you are not alone, i'd suggest posting on the *staying* board where you can find some useful info & tools... .  

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0)

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf)

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)

i wish you the best on this path w/ your hubby... .  and keep posting it truly helps!

Hi MaggieS!

Congratulations on finding this board! First of all, that is amazingly good news that you have discovered what your husband's disorder is. There are A LOT of good tools out there for coping with the disorder.

I wish you the very best on your road to understanding and skillbuilding to make your relationship more functional!

Again, congratulations.

Tea

Thanks Tea, I know I have a long road ahead. But I've also already survived a long journey. I needed to know I wasn't alone and this board is already making me feel stronger!

Maggie,

I like the title of your post: survival. That is indeed what you've been up against and still face. Indeed there will be work to do for you still, but I suspect the worst is behind you having lived "untreated" together for 33 years.

Enjoy finding the comaraderie this board offers. Knowing others are in the same boat is extremely helpful.

Tea

I have read many of the posts and I see how this disorder has touched so many lives.

In theory after 33 years I should have dealt with the worse, however, I am so exhausted and mourn the years I have lost. I do look forward to some type of reprive from the unpredictable behaviour but I realize this will take some more time. I think at this time I'm trying to find a life with my spouse in spite of the disorder. It's not that I don't believe that there will be improvement, I am just a realist and no this could take a long time. This disorder has changed me and taken it's toll and now I'm trying to find myself once more.

MaggieS

It seems a lot of people move from trying to manage their significant other's behavior to realizing the only thing we can control is our own behavior. Indeed this is true even when we're not dealing with disorderd people. However, those with BPD create so much chaos in our lives it is only natural to "try" and manage them, perhaps like someone in our lives who is addicted and whose addictive behavior create's chaos for those in his/her life.

So, the practice for us as nons is similar in many ways to those whose partners are alcoholics, etc: detach and manage our responses to them. Sometimes these changes in OUR behavior can really make our partners angry becasue they are used to us responding a certain way (usually, in the past it was very acommodating to try and limit their negative reactions as much as possible). But when we do change our behaviors they might not react well.

It is very encouraging to me that your husband is in therapy. Hopefully he can learn to practice better communication with you so that he can understand why you are changing your reactions.

My exhusband wouldn't go to therapy because he felt he knew more than any therapist and no one could help him. Therefore I was the one getting therapy. I would follow the advice of my therapists and also would start being "true to myself" in my communication with my Husband. He "escallated" and raged at me. I got pretty scared and being a highly sensitive person, was traumatized by the escallations. However, in the end it made my husband realize he couldn't get from me any longer what he had been getting all those years we were together. And he stopped wanting to be in the relationship with me. Or at least he was willing to leave. I had tried to get him to leave many times before and he had refused.

I believe that when we are honest with ourselves and when our actions and words are aligned with our inner selves we get stronger. Your spirt may help you find the strenght to continue to survive. I'm really really sorry about your years lost. I hope you believe that it is possible to find peace again despite wha has happened in the past. All we have is today and the future!

Hi Maggie, I just wanted to say hi and welcome!   

We are glad you are here where you find a ton of information and support.

You mentioned your husband is in therapy. A lot of us have had to learn radical self care, many of us have sought our own therapy to help us with the past and to help move forward. Have you thought about it for yourself? It has been a tremendous help for me, although a bit scary at first.

Again, welcome!

Being Mindful

I understand that I may be co-dependent and that scares me. I really hadn't realized how I might be responsible for some of the behaviour because of my responses. There is so much to learn but I think he, our marriage and our happiness is worth it. I wish I could just remember this during a BPD session.   

I have thought about therapy and I do a lot of reading. Currently I am reading "The Essential Family Guide to "BPD". I will continue to work on my selfcare and be hopeful for the future. It's also helpful to know I can come back to this board and find some understanding people, as well as so many resources.

MaggieS