BPDFamily.com

I've been in a relationship with a undxed BP for over 20 years.  I thought alcoholism was his major problem, but he's been sober for over a year and his raging and controlling behavior continues.  It is all start to make sense now.  I read through this forum and spouses are describing exactly what I am living through.

I came here to find some coping mechanisms.  I have tried disengaging from the drama, but my usual solution is to just leave.  My blood pressure shoots through the roof whenever I hear a loud noise.  I feel like an elephant, I'm so highly attuned to emotional cues.  My daughters, 11 and 14, are almost as adept at identifying when Daddy is in a "bad mood".  We all know that matter what we do, or don't do, that it will escalate into a rage, picking at us for all our percieved faults, perhaps suicide threats, and playing the victim.

Intellectually, it makes sense that empathy and love can help calm the the BP beast.  I don't know that I have it in me anymore.  I have stage IIIC breast cancer and I know my time left on this world is probably limited.  It hurts me so much to have someone threatening suicide (doesn't seem serious and he says this is true when the dust settles) when I want so much to live.  During one rage, he actually screamed at me "Enjoy your f**ing cancer".  I'm exhausted.  Like his mother, he seems to feel the best time to clean the house is the middle of the night.

I think one option might be to see a therapist, but there aren't many good ones in the town I live in.  He says I need to talk to him, but no matter how calm I remain, I can see his anger building as he thinks about how awful his family is.  How do you find strength to practice the coping strategies when you feel beaten down from years of abuse?

Wow, your situation is truly awful, and I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis.  No way do you deserve such cruel treatment! 

I am a novice at giving advice here because I'm still learning about BPD and frankly it's all been hard for me to wrap my brain around (slow learner... .  duh!).  However, I do know that I have read some incredible advice here on the boards -- and the lessons are excellent too.  So, I would encourage you to keep reading and posting, and since therapy may not be an option, what about a close friend or family member you can talk to?  Sometimes outside perspective and SUPPORT (if you truly decide to leave) is what you need most.

Hi Lizlemon-

There are so many great people here that have amazing advice on where to start, and I know that when I came here I was told to read. Start educating myself on BPD and what I could do to make it better. At first, that may feel frustrating and unfair because we are thinking how THEY should be the ones to make the changes, but we aren't talking about groveling, or laying down a red carpet or Walking on Eggshells (Good book to read, by the way) we are talking about not feeding the monster. Disengaging. Taking back our self esteem, our life, our worth. Taking care of ourselves, which from your story, need to be your first and foremost job right now! He doesn’t seem equipped to take care of himself, and certainly not you right now. He will probably resist changes and things may get worse, but focus on you and what you need.

I know all of this is easier said than done. But I know something changed in me when I started to understand this all more. It didn’t completely go away, but it didn’t hurt so much anymore. I was able to detach and start looking at things from a more reasonable, realistic and unemotional way. And, if he doesn’t want to join me there, then its his decision.

You will find strength here. So many have!

Hugs  ,

Peace

Lizlemon.

What a difficult situation you are in.  

Peace4me has given you some great advice on rebuilding your reserves.  It is hard at first, but the tools here are excellent coping strategies and they do result in change.  


Ahh, if only intellect could triumph feelings! Probably the biggest thing - and the first tool you need to take out of the toolbox is working on is letting go of the responsibility that is implicit in these words.   It's not easy but you need to detach from your husbands emotions so that you can start to focus on how YOU feel. By this I do not mean physical detachment, "no contact", or silent treatment - I also don't mean the detachment necessary if you are leaving your partner.  I am referencing an ability to detach from responding (emotionally or with action) to your husbands emotions while staying with him and very much loving him.   Given your depleted state, you are in no position to help manage his emotions anyway - only he can do so.  So think about detachment - emotional detachment within your relationship to give space.  Heres a link to help say what I am trying to say here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114098.0

Given your health situation, it is critical that you start thinking about how to take better care of yourself in addition to addressing the dynamic between you and your husband. Therapy would help, but as you say, that option is limited.  :)o you have any family or friends that you may have stepped back from - a common result of living with a person with BPD?  If so, can you try to reconnect?  What are some things that you've always liked to do but may have stopped?  Can you start doing them again?  

Have a look at this workshop and see what others have done to take care of themselves.  

What does it mean to take care of yourself?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

Let us know what you think about what you can do to take better care of you.  

Thank you for your responses.  There are so many resources here for coping.  I am planning to see a counselor/therapist so I can have a safe place to let go of some of my feelings.

My dh is calm this week and sometimes I almost feel like the crazy one because he can be so sweet and loving.  He reminds me of my mother,  who would gradually build up to a rage and once she took it out on her family, a strange sense of peace seemed to fill her.  There was always the disconnect as a child  because all my friends thought she was the nicest mother in town, and she could be nice.  They never saw the dark side when she was screaming that she wished I was never born. 

Perhaps I should move over to the parenting board, because one of greatest fears is that by exposing my daughters to this behavior, they will be attracted to BP men in the future.

Lizlemon,

    I have you beat!  44 years with my UBPDW!  I discovered she is BPD two years ago, and I am Codependent.  I studied about the BPD disorder for almoast one year, reading everything I could find.  Now for a full year, I have been totally focusing on me.  I joined Codependents Anonymous, CODA, and have been attending weekly meetings.  I established a boundry that I will not remain in the same room with someone who is abusing me in any way.  That stopped her rages for the most part.  I think that one thing was the best thing I could have ever done.  The rages stopped coming at me about last May.  I have succeeded in detaching from her with Love, not resentment, and anger.  I have established my own LIMIT.  If she decides to cheat ever again, I will be gone forever.  I have not brought that one up, as it is specifically for only me.  I just let her deal with her own issues, and I deal with mine.  I am seriously looking at leaving her because of her total lack of love for me.  She stopped all forms of intimacy 36 years ago.  I am not even allowed to hold her hand.  The last time she said she loves me was 44 years ago at our wedding.  Every day, I pull a little farther away from her.  I simply cannot believe that I was able to allow her to treat me like this for so long.  We have three sons, who are all grown and doing well.  I have always made a life for myself away from our home by working far to much overtime and going to school at night.  Living like that has resulted in my attaining a Nuclear Engineering Degree, an Electrical Engineering Degree, a Professional Engineer's License, and a Journeyman Electricians License.  How about that for someone who graduated High School with a 1.97 GPA.  I do believe you can work your own problems with his Disorder out, but you MUST learn how to protect yourself, and love yourself, and quit trying to take care of him.

I do hope this helps, Art