BPDFamily.com

two days will mark five months post breakup with my exBPDgf . not sure where i really stand .

i am clearly better than i was five months ago but there are still many days it seems to hurt just as bad as day one.

i gained one new friend in particular who i asked when did we really start talking ... they were surprised to find we have only been talking a month and said it felt much longer. i concurred and said the last 5 months to me have felt like five years.

so much has happened it feels like when in reality not much has changed . ever since finding out in November that she was cheating on me with my replacement i feel like I've made leaps and bounds in the recovery process but truth be told Im probably still just  as bad ... Im just getting better at ignoring it and letting it build up on the back burner burner .

i still ruminate ... .  almost daily still ... just not as constant . i miss her friendship and companionship ... but i know it was never real... it was just who she pretended to be ... i wasn't prepared for it to truly end... i thought we just had an arguement that we would get over and get back together .

i can let her go... .  but what i can't let go is exBPDgfs daughter ... .  i miss her so much as she was considered my daughter and i was daddy . a thought that haunts me were the last moments i spent with daughter ... me quivering with tears running down my face hugging her telling her daddy just has to leave for a while ... as she cried daddy and my exBPDgf ripping her away from me. i miss that little girl so much. i check my BPDex sisters Facebook just to see pictures of her growing up. i can't help but to feel as if she's still waiting for daddy to come home.  this trigger both enrages me and sends me into deep depression as i feel i failed her.

it's going to be two months NC soon... .  before that was minimal contact.

i know she won't come back ... .  half of me knows it's better she doesn't the other half dearly wants her to wake up to reality and come back .

judging from her behavior from Facebook she is ashamed. to the extent that now even her replacement has deleted his Facebook . makes me wonder if the  cycle is starting and their honeymoon phase is ending already .

my logical brain is telling me none of this should be my concern anymore and that maybe i am sick in the head for still putting this much energy into a dead past ... .  but i just can't help it somedays Im a man of my word and i feel like i let daughter down as well as BPDex and myself .

thoughts  of where i am and where should i be at this point are appreciated and encouraged . thank you

Healing and forgetting can be a slow process... .  just keep busy and fake it till you can make it. 

I would also delete her sister from facebook and try and resist the urge to keep updated on her life, it won't make you feel any better.

How long were you together? 

together officially for two years ... .  friends before so all together ... .  4years