BPDFamily.com

Has anyone ever experience the following?

Texting instead of talking - I noticed with my uBPDx that whenever she would get upset on the phone, she would suddenly hang up . . . and then start texting me.  I would not respond in kind (text) but would rather call her back . . . most times she would not answer, yet would continue texting me . . rage-filled texts of course.

Serious matters and discussions were usually done via text . . . despite my pleas to handle things verbally/vocally.  In our last fight, she asked for some $ assistance via text.  When I spoke to her about an hour later, I told her "sure no problem, but next time could you ask me verbally instead of via text"?  Her response was "F you, I don't need your F-ing help !"  She hung up, and then continued with rageful texts.

Text hand grenades - Whenever she was upset about something or perhaps even bored, my ex would fire off texts chock full of guilt and then wait . . .   Usually I would call her and she would not answer my calls - half the time she fire back with more texts, the rest of the time she would not respond at all . . . which of course would fuel me to call more (my own little extinction burst... .  arg).

I wonder a lot how our relationship would have been 15 or so years ago without texting . . .

I was the texter in our r/s.  I had so much struggle with the circular arguments and the denial that he ever said anything.  When it started to cycle up, I took it to text or email.  That was calmer for me.  It's also less personal.    It was emotionally safer for me. 

I agree with you Ambi... .  Its hard to reason with a 3 year old via phone call or in person for that matter. Texting was much less painful.

exBPD loved to text and use other IM apps. he especially liked blackberry messenger because he could see when i "read" something. and if i didn't reply within minutes of reading, he would badger me about that. "why didn't you reply? i saw that you read that question/message/whatever 15 minutes ago!" it was so draining. looking back on even something like that (him trying to control my time, even while i wasn't with him or in his presence), i realize that was a red flag. no one else has ever questioned how quickly i reply to their texts.

I agree with Ambi.  If I did the texting/emailing, I could say what I wanted and it wouldn't be cut off for an interruption about him and also I had a chance for my say, as well as feeling that it was less emotional.

I can relate to others here completely. I was the texter.  But my ex, equally participated in text conversations and would reply with lengthy messages.

I found texting to be easier a lot of the time as I did not get interrupted this way. When I'd try to speak my mind or even tell my ex off for something... she'd either start crying or cut me off. Or just make me feel bad for standing up to her or speaking my mind. She saw it as very threatening rather than constructive.

So I'd find it easier to get all my thoughts out on text. This isn't a good thing, though. There's something wrong in the relationship, if you are unable to communicate face-to-face with your partner.  red-flag

The texting invariably lead to problems in our relationship. My ex had a particular sensitivity to texting. Her first girlfriend broke up with her via text. And her second one raged at her over text and they had a text war.

She seemed to always misinterpret my messages. She did tell me a few times she didn't like to communicate relationship stuff via text and always tried to call as soon as I'd ask her anything serious via text.

But then she wouldn't tend to listen to my side of the story over the phone anyway. And tended to scold me like a child. 

So although I understood her point about minimising texting... I sometimes slipped up and ended up texting her about stuff that bothered me.

It lead to our break up too. We had a text fight and she cracked it at me.

My exBPDbf is huge into texting... .  and it has led to more fights than anything else due to the fact that he will misinterpret what I type or he will simlpy not read what I type because he will respond to something I never said (he twists it completely) and he will bombard me with many texts at a time and when I try to respond, he either doesn't read them in his rage or they wind up sounding like they are responding to one of his texts that are of course accusing me of things I either did long ago or never did at all, etc.

I too try to make it verbal whenever I think that an argument is likely to occur.  Even though we aren't involved anymore, we still work together and as I knew would happen, he has moved on to date someone else, yet continues to use me for emotional support which of course includes his crazy rages.  So - we do have contact still and for me too when I call to slow down the rage or correct him to see that I'm not saying whatever he claims I am on text, he will usually not answer so he can continue the bizarre rants via text. 

It would be interesting to know what the r/s would have been like prior to text.  I think there would have just been far more in my face arguments - and trust me - there have been way way too many as things are now... .  so as hard as texts are for me?  I guess I'm glad they exist !    :)

Have to comment--uBPDw is always on her phone too. Sits on it at family gatherings etc... seems really rude to me. If I say something she gets really mad and says she has to check emails or some excuse. But I've had times where I say OK let me see what you're on, and it'll be facebook or something.

And if I'm on she is asking immediately what I am doing and with whom. I see it as stalking when she is on 24/7. She will show me things ex-about my college roommates wife (86 grad), who she isn't friends with, and I think wow you are really stalking here. Yet she won't talk live to people.

Text replies are always needed right now. My kids complain, even to mom, that she gets angry on her texts if they don't reply immediately... .  and so they don't reply. Then she sends more and angrier ones. Same for me. If I don't immediately reply it's 'what were you doing' or 'where were you' that you didn't respond.

And the same with emails. she also adds the reply notice so she can tell when you read it. And she added some sort of google check to notify her when anything about me or the kids is on google. I now lock my phone because she would go through and look at all emails and phone calls and texts. So what, but she would find something and blow up about it even though it was nothing.

Control is what I see, or the absolute need for it.

owdrs

Absolutely!

He always preferred to text. Even when dissolving our engagement, lease and apartment - everything was done via text. He never wanted to talk, in person or on the phone.

In fact, the fight we got into that was the beginning of the end, was mainly over text.

Why is it that they insist we write and not speak?  My exbfBPD said he couldn't speak to me when we argued, because he knew that if we did, I would manipulate the situation.  In hindsight I think he was the manipulator.

Some mixed responses here...

I think what I disliked was my ex had double standards. She'd engage with me via text and reply in lengthy messages but then tell me off about texting her lengthy stuff.

She could have chosen to not respond- yet she was equally as big a texter as I was.

She chose to engage.  If she hated texts that much, she wouldn't reply at all. Also- she'd tell me that things can be misinterpreted via text. She also told me off a couple times for misinterpreting or "reading too much into her texts"- yet she was always having fits over my messages... completely blowing them out of proportion.

At the end, my ex and I had a text fight. And when I did try to call her she was busy. She sent me a text saying "sorry can't take your call, got my hands full. Call you after 6pm"

I was going out that evening to a function and was already feeling angry my ex still hadn't apologised to me about being rude the previous day. So I replied: "that's ok. I'm going out for the evening, maybe we chat another time"

Silence.

The next thing she said was "we need to talk IN PERSON"

And she dumped me. She told me that last text i sent her was "the clincher". And that I was "trying to make a point!"

yep in our last rebound he wanted to text only. I simply texted him its over, best wishes.

My BPDbf preferred texting after the first year so that he could juggle all his other girls. I got accidental texts on a few occasions. Total dog... .  and really bad at covering his dirty tracks. bleh 

Yeah I got a couple of misdirected texts too. Wow that was a low point and I realised he was a blatant liar on top of everything else. He tried to justify them too. Geez it was so very very warped.