BPDFamily.com

I had sent my HUSBAND a nostalgic good bye e-mail  ( dumb idea but I was missing him over the holidays... .  ) and what I got back just now was a paragraph of thinly veiled threats b/c I didn't use his  lawyer -who BTW would not answer my very direct and specific questions.

Something to the effect  that since I didn't do what we "agreed" on (what HUSBAND was trying to insist on) that I am going to be the Loser in the end, I am only hurting myself, it's ONLY going to cost me more and he will not be paying for my attorney... .  no matter what... .  and so on and so forth.

I responded very civilly that I was not arguing. 

I retained my lawyer because I was not getting answers from his lawyer to my specific questions.

And that I was still very agreeable to settling out of court, as before. 3 lines.

I forwarded it to my L, along with a timeline of when he threw me out of the house filed divorce, listed the house, sold the house and moved.  (with my responses, as well) All in 2 months.

Looking strictly at the time line it appears that my HUSBAND just wanted me out of the way so he could sell the house and move!

Ugh.

GL

GL,

The circumstances concerning your divorce sound very difficult. I can see how you wanted to reach out during the holiday time especially, so don't be too hard on yourself for doing so, but can you say you are surprised about the response from your husband?  

You seem to be looking for validation for your response to your husband, but the "civil response" was actually very invalidating and likely got you a further nasty response?  

You are making some good decisions here -ie - hiring your own lawyer - regardless of what you H says about it, however you need to watch your email correspondence with your H very carefully.  

You've been around here for awhile so probably have read this link but given you may get into an email exchange with your H in the future, have another look at how to handle any hostile responses like the one you just got.  

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0#top)

Good luck - our thoughts are with you at this difficult time

tuum est61,

honestly I didn't know what to expect.

I don't expect any validation. From my HUSBAND his lawyer or anyone else... .  

I know I am not the first or only person in this predicament.

He actually called me hiring my own lawyer "a stunt". and it got worse.

tuum est61,

can you tell me what part of my 3 lines of reply would have been invalidating?

We had some civil text exchanges after I sent my goodbye e-mail. (mostly about medical/dental benefits)

Perhaps I didn't make that clear... .  sorry.

My HUSBAND was the one who started off this AM with a "tone". and I was very subdued in my reply. Respectful.

I read the tool for responding to hostile e-mail and I felt I filled my side of the requirements. I didn't attack him or justify myself.

Other than to state my reason for hiring my own attorney-which I have the right and also a responsibility to myself to do.

Maybe I am missing something here?

Several times posting on the family law board I have felt that I got less then average support. Everyone has a story.

Are ALL my exchanges with my uBPDh supposed to be validating, for him?

Is there something wrong in my approach?   "?"

confused... .  

GL

Hi GL,

Remember that validation is all about communicating in a manner that addresses the pwBPD's feelings - so that the conversation doesn't go off the rails.  Because you say his subsequent emails about medical/dental benefits went okay, he apparently wasnt invalidated - thanks for clarifying that. 

You don't always have to "validate for him," but if you don't you are always at risk of him being triggered and you end up in the circular conversations that don't accomplish the communication you are trying to acheive.   

In your first resonse you apparently responded to him saying "stop arguing with me" by saying that "I'm not arguing".   That is invalidating because he FELT you were arguing.  A validating response would have included statements that acknowledge that he felt you were arguing.

S. "I want to avoid arguing with you." 

E. "I understand that arguments with me bother you a lot."  "I feel the same way."

T. "We are probably going to argue a bit now and then." 

This approach validates how he feels and doesn't have you arguing about whether you were arguing.

In your second response, you actually did justify why you hired your own lawyer.  A validating response would have been "It bothers you that I hired a lawyer."  Its no big deal, and had no particular impact on this particular discussion - but telling your H why you hired a lawyer is not necessary and it was a definitely a JADE type response.  You have every right to hire a lawyer - as you said - but you don't have to tell your H that you have that right. But to keep the conversation "civil", and validating, you can acknowledge that he doesn't like the fact that you did. 

I don't supose your third line about "settling out of court" was particularly invalidating depending on what you are responding to.

GL, There's no way I always validate, and it doesn't always cause a problem - especially as I have begun doing lots of it.  Again, we are using the validation tool so the conversation doesn't disintegrate, not to be particularly compassionate (although validation is a compassionate form of communication.)

If I came across as harsh, I tend to do that - I'm working on it!  And unlike our pwBPD, this  isn't a black or white undertaking either!  :)

Keep in mind - each time you and he argue, both attorneys make $$$

Be wise - you hired the attorney, you don't live with ex, leave it alone and let the attorney do his job.

tuum est61, thank you!

In my post here I wanted to avoid posting his e-mail line by line... .  it was just a snarky paragraph full of attack and insinuation-that he was justified in his beliefs that I was a deceitful person as I hired my own attorney, it was "a stunt" that wasn't going to get me anywhere and cost me more and I was going to LOSE... .  on and on. and so forth.

He implied that I avoided speaking to his L, and that was not true at all. SO I just stated the obvious-that I was not arguing either in my initial good-bye email... .  or in my response to his nasty post.(that was my point about saying I was not arguing.)

His statement was that MY lawyer was entirely unnecessary, as his lawyer was going to work for both of us.(not so)

He was threatening me with the end result of dragging this out in court being all my fault... and taking his early settlement offer would have been fair, legal, and reasonable. (not)

So I simply reiterated that I was not adversarial and was more than willing to settle out of court.

this is just such tough navigating... .  I never imagined this. Not in a million years.

thank you for your response,

GL

Did you read my by-line?  You can't reason with Unreason.

What that means is that no matter what you write, he will read it with his slanted perceptions and interpret them however he wishes.  You have no control over that.  Yes, the validation of his feeling might help to avoid some of his overreactions, but in general it's just best to answer only once and leave it at that.  More explaining won't help, it will egg on more blaming and more tit for tat.

As someone wrote a while back, a disordered person wants the contact and even negative engagement is still engagement.  He will never let you 'win' no matter how much you try to reason with him.  What was it War Games computer replied?  "The only winning move is not to play."

thank you everyone,

I realize that I am feeling very raw emotionally right now,

My apologies if I came off as whiny and resentful.

Sometimes I feel whiny! Isn't there an emoticon for that?   lol

But I shouldn't take it out on you people, all of you are just trying to help.      much appreciated.

I'm actually proud of my regulated replies.

his final e-mail to me was that he felt blindsided, and reacted thinking I hired my  lawyer to "prove him wrong and win" OR "think he's lying and gonna find him out". Both equally valid from his POV.

I told him I understood he was feeling upset and that was not my intention- but after my goodbye email with no reply from him I took it to mean he was still quite angry, and I didn't want to push for information, or pressure him. (he hates that-it's a huge trigger for him) I completely validated his feeling blindsided.

I have reason to believe that my response took some of the heat off both of us.

I am very torn. I didn't want any of this-and his whole fall/winter has been one of staggering peaks and deep canyons.

Validation seems to work on him like a secret potion. He's the type to have overwhelming "buyers remorse " when he realizes the extent of what he's done.

it's very difficult to force myself out of love for him. Sad, but true.

So... .  I wish I had that full coat of body armor, or at least a bad ass trench coat like the Matrix. LOL

But I don't.

thanks again,

GL

Sounds like he and his attorney cooked up a plan to sell the house and you getting an attorney spoiled his plan. So sad. His problem not yours> You are entitled to look out for your own interests and if that stops him from doing stuff he shouldn't or calls him on his behaviour so be it - that's what an attorney is for. Sounds like you are doing what you badly need to do - protect yourself. Don't worry about his threats, sounds like a spoiled 2 year old to me. Keep doing what you are doing and working with your attorney and best not email your ex.