BPDFamily.com

OKay... .  I really feel like I need to vent on something. I apologize if its hard to follow or seems pointless to read =[

I am so incredibly tired! I am tired of being angry, confused, sad... .  

Today and lately I have had to have a lot of conversations with my bf about my communication and the fact that I can never seem to let my mind shut off. I analyze EVERY move of every person around me and I think sometimes I read into things that just simply dont mean anything. Also, I am so incredibly tone sensitive that I put up walls and get defensive unless someone talks to me like a therapist. I am incapable of letting him cool off when we argue because I feel like the second someone is mad at you they could paint you black and be gone. There are more than this but Im too tired to even try to explain them. I guess the gist of it all is that I am really annoyed that I have these difficulties and faults after growing up with someone who has BPD. I know that anger  is a base fear and it masks something deeper but at the moment I feel like letting myself be mad and not rationalizing into it.

Thank you for listening!

Actually what you describe does sound a bit more like anxiety than anger… unless what you mean is that you're angry or annoyed at having this anxiety due to the way you were raised... .  or maybe both… (?)

Anyhow, whatever it may be, it's good that you're letting it out.

Working through our fleas  my-issues is frustrating for sure.

Sometimes stopping and cooling off can help you put things into perspective. It's normal in any relationship to have conflict. As children growing up with BPD parents, we weren't given the message that it's ok to disagree sometimes--we were expected to be "good soldiers" and validate our mothers' needs while abandoning our own.

You're very self-aware, which is good, because it helps you work through your fleas and grief. How are you working through these feelings of anger and sadness? When someone talks to you like a therapist, how is that different from normal conversation for you?

I've felt much the same way.  I often push for resolution of a conflict without giving the other person time to cool off because my anxiety that they're just going to leave and be finished with me is off the charts.  It's tough.  Would it help to just tell the other person what your real anxiety is in the situation?  Just clarify to yourself and the other person, okay, we're both going to take some time and get some perspective on this issue, but deep down we love each other, and we're going to work through this together.  That might allow your anxiety to quiet down enough so that you can actually reap the benefits of thinking through the conflict on your own as well!  It may be more helpful than you think. 

I hear your frustration with yourself, but you should know that you have good reasons for responding the way you do.  You've been through a lot, and your difficult experiences have left their mark.  It's not a failing, and you have the right to feel the way you do.  It's a result of your personal history.  Have compassion on yourself, on the part of you that is still small and terrified of abandonment and of losing the little bit of love you were able to find.  That part of you isn't bad or wrong.  It's just small and scared, and needs a little reassurance.  The fear might cause you to act out aggressively because it's so powerful.  But it's amazing how just a little reassurance, directed to the right target, can calm the fear and allow you to move forward in a more positive way.