BPDFamily.com

my uexbfBPD claimed that a child his wife was pregnant with wasn't his. he told this to people at work; he was suspected of having an affair with another coworker at the time and when someone called him out on it (the pg wife, how awful he was) he immediately said that it wasn't his. another time, someone congratulated him on the impending birth and he got angry and said it wasn't his baby. meanwhile, he would tell very select people that he was getting divorced. when we started dating, the baby had just been born - like within weeks. of course i believed this story and felt horrible for him.

that was nov 2009.

allllll the way up until just last month, he denied being that child's father. he never talked about him, never called him by name, would become enraged if i asked about him. btw, he has three older children with the wife.

in speaking with the wife, she said that when she was pg with the fourth (who IS his, of course, now i know), he wanted her to abort and even drove her to the clinic. she didn't do it obviously.

when i confronted him with all of this, he said he doesn't remember driving her there at that time - that she must be mistaken and that it was a different pregnancy scare.

now he says that he has grown to love the son, "of course because he's a child!" yes, he yelled this at me.

i'm just so confused. is this something associated with BPD? i understand an unplanned pg within a marriage, but to tell people it isn't yours? when your wife is pg? and then to spend three YEARS in this state of denial? it wasn't just to me - he also told this to coworkers. or is this something else? and is the denial related to the unsuccessful attempt to get her to abort?

It's impossible to understand crazy!  Just be glad you are out.  Learn something from it so you don't end up with another man with similar issues.  That's the best you can do.

HE

Its best not to try to figure out the behaviour of a BPD... .  but yes they can detach from an unborn child.  How is that child going to be able to meet any of their requirements or needs... .  In lots of ways they can be cold and calculating. What will an unborn child be able to offer a BPD ? from their perspective... .  nothing.

i know i need to let it go. i do feel the detachment happening, verrrrrry slowly. i think i'm stuck on this one bc i got pg in october. it was his. he was here when i took the test (took the morning off work and drove the two hours down). my GUT reaction was, "this isn't right... .  he isn't right... .  this is a HUGE mistake" and he of course said he didn't want it either. but there was no convo about "what if... .  " he went STRAIGHT to "get rid of it." he drove me there, paid for it, took care of me for that day and the following day.

of course that was the hardest thing i've ever done.

but i'm also trying to find more peace with the decision, and realizing the lies and the way he treated children conceived within a marriage, it does make me realize that HAD i kept it, in whatever way (adoption or parent), he would have smeared my name, said i tricked him into getting me pg, and he would have likely made my life hell for the duration of the pg, if not the life of the child as well.

please, no judging. this is something i haven't shared, and yes, i live with my decision.

Sadly, making tough decisions - too often lots of them - is our typical scenario whenever dealing with people with these serious disorders. :'(

I'm sorry that you had to go through this.  It must be very difficult.  Personally, I think you and your child dodged a bullet.

If you want to get a better understanding about how ugly it can get being the child of a pwBPD, read "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship".  While it focuses on BPD mothers, it is applicable to fathers because the characteristics of the disorder are gender neutral.

As mentioned in an earlier post, try to understand what it is about your personality that attracted you to him in the first place so that you don't end up in another relationship with a pwBPD.  Most of us here have been in more than one such relationship.

Hey Trying,

Your ex has a wife and four children.

You getting pregnant was not a part of the plan even though you created the baby together. The way he handled it all was very rejecting but knowing what you know now about him sit in relief. I know you love him but this man cannot be trusted. His is disordered and his logic is pretzel. If he can't own a child he made with his wife I can only imagine how he'd treat your child.

You did indeed dodged a bullet. I think your ex was projecting the guilt of his own affair on his wife because HE was having one with you. Projection is what they do to justify their behaviors and to absolve their shame and guilt: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0). More than likely that is why he didn't want to claim baby number four. It triggered his own shame about having an affair with you.

My ex and I created a child together and having an abortion was the right thing to do because my ex had already proven to be an emotional car wreck of drama and chaos. He was as selfish and self-absorbed as they come. The ex would have ruined my life in every sense of the word.   Read the stories on here of people who created families with BPD's. It isn't the greatest of situations. It is very saddening for the children involved.

Spell

Just found out that one of his "step"kids- that he's denied for 25 years- yup, it really was his. This wasn't even like "back in high school" or something. This was with his second wife. Well, the woman who was his second wife, but he got her pregnant when she was still married to her first husband, and he may or may not have been divorced yet from his first wife-  based on whichever variation of story you hear - but the kid is 100% NOT his (except for the court documents I just dug up a few months ago, which state the opposite) and he really has nothing to do with wife #2's other 3 kids (with first husband) but he bends over backwards for this one.  Yeah, my head is spinning, too.

The only reason he spends time with this "child" (now 25) is because *cough* he feels sorry for him for having such a crazy mother. 

He also uses our PLANNED pregnancy THAT WE TALKED ABOUT FOR MONTHS as me just getting knocked up on purpose so he would marry me. But that's another story.