BPDFamily.com

It wasn't the first time she had called the police. She had called at least 3 or 4 times. One time she even flagged down a state cop when we were on the way to visit our daughters in camp. All the times before the cop could see that she was overly excited and nothing happened. Other times my kids would be in the background saying things like stop lying Mommy.

But this time I actually got arrested. She had been harassing me the whole day. It was a Saturday and often times she leaves around 9:30-10 am in the morning with me sitting on the couch with the kids or with the baby and she doesn't come back till 2 pm or 5 or whenever. So this morning I had been up early with the baby and needed to get out of the house. So I got dressed to go before she came and was ready to walk out when she comes out our room dressed to leave the house. I said, "Oh no, I am not staying here with the kids." I turned around and walked out. She followed me in to the street cursing and screaming at me for about two blocks. I came home around 1:30 and my kids (we have 6) told me, "Mommy was going through all your stuff." She went through my wallet and tore up some papers, she tore up my personal little notebook, she went through my briefcase and a other personal effects.

I was prepared for some sort of "punishment" for leaving so I was not too upset. Then she screamed at me some more and the straw that broke the camels back was when she took my expensive jacket, threw it on the floor and started stomping all over it. At that point I blew up, got up, and said/yelled "Enough." and gave her a hand to the side of her head. She put up her hands in defense. Did I hit her? I say that is not called hitting. I didn't hurt her. I wasn't trying to hurt her, etc. To her, she instantly went from screaming aggressor to victim of abuse. She started crying. SHe left the house. That was about 3:30. I didn't see her again till she came back with 4 cops at around midnight. SHe had gone to the police station immediately after and filed domestic violence charges against me.

I was arrested, booked, etc.

After 13 years and 6 children with this woman it seems to me like it is over. I can't live like this any longer. If I go back to the house it would be in constant fear that the moment I do something she does not like she will cal the police. One time she hit me then called the police.

So that is where Rewards2 is holding. If anyone has any advice, please share

Where are you now?

And it's time for you to get an attorney and begin documenting all of this.

If you don't have a restraining order against you, she could get one. If you stay away from the house then some people might say you have abandoned the marital property and your children, which would put you at a disadvantage in terms of custody and visitation.

If you are staying, I'd say to see if you can get her on Zoloft.  That drug completely cured the same type of behavior in my BPD.  It didn't fix the underlying problems, but it did stop her violent rages.

I have a full 90 order of protection on me. Cannot go near her or the house.

I just got word that she is posting videos of me on Facebook. Not sure which because she blocked me from her page.

I don't see how I could go back at this point.

The only possible way I can think of is if she admits she is sick and has a letter on file with the police stating that she is sick and not to arrest me.

Oh wow, that's a whole different situation.  I guess I'd stick with what the other poster said then... .    protect yourself.

My understanding is that these are temporary orders until a hearing is held in about 10 days or so. If you do not hire an attorney and fight this, she will wipe the floor with you.

Get an attorney asap, and likely your attorney will want to counterfile against her. She was terrorizing not only you but also your children.

I don't know if this part of the forum will be able to help you as much. There is a forum section for custody, divorces, etc. Likely they know a lot more about this stuff over there.

The hearing is in march. 60 days and I do have lawyer.

only advice I had. stay away from her!

Reward2

So sorry what you have to go through! 

I was always worrying about you and your kids.

How takes care of the kids when you are not around?

Do you have a place to stay?

Stay in touch, reward.

she has been taking care of the kids, no one else to do it. She did hire the nanny to come extra and last night she went out and bought a 40 inch tv to keep them occupied, after not ever having a tv in the house

She is probably going to be re-thinking her actions over the next week or so. You are going to start looking very good as the guy who has been there for her and supporting her.

I don't know what to say about being able to sort it out with her. As much as she appears to be manipulating the legal system successfully to bully you and abuse you, I would think she will continue to fall back on it. Most people tend to do the things that get them what they want.

That's the stuff that baffles me the most.  They do a complete 180 on everything they stand for and believe in.

Unfortunately, you did hit her.   I doubt very much that the law will see her provocation as justification.

Stay away from her. Even if she invites you over or contacts you, she doesn't have the authority to nullify the court order. 

Spend this time regrouping and trying to regain some balance in your life.  It's easy to get lost in the day-in day-ou drama of these relationships.  Your kids need at least one parent who is mature and in control of themselves. 

I'm sorry this has happened to you.  Stay strong and let us know what happens.

Yes, I did give her a hand. Does that mean anything. A slight hit?

I hit her hand more than anything and certainly did not hurt her.

Is there any possibility to going back into the house for me?

I don't want to go back. I can't do it anymore. I mean if her provocation and destroying my prpery means nothing, what am I supposed to do?

If I call the police that she stepped on my hat or ripped up my book and was cursing at me what could they do?

So I have to stay and continue to be abused with no recourse?

I am not an angel and cannot guarantee that with all the provocation I will never touch her.

Heck, one time she hit ME! and called the police immediately afterwards to protect herself.

I am very close to beginning to put an end to this.

I have no desire to return to jail again.

((Rewards2)) I am so sorry that you are going though this... .  as a mom, I am preoccupied in being concerned about your kids... .  she has had you arrested and now you cannot go near the house? what about seeing your kids?


I would almost wonder if you should consider hiring or placing surveillance on your house to see if she leaves the kids alone or "takes off" without caring for them. That certainly would prove her incompetence and get her out of your house... .  I would hope.

This has just gone too far. Hope your lawyer moves quickly on this... .  is it too late to file charges of damage to property and violation of your finances about what happened and for PROVOKING you by damaging your property, etc... .  she should be held accountable. In the meantime, I agree with others... .  protect YOURSELF and see if someone can check on the kids. She needs HELP now... .  

Good luck.

First, make no admissions of any guilt whatsoever without solid legal advice from an expert lawyer in the proper field of expertise.  You do not have to testify against yourself nor convict yourself.  Beware of saying "all I did was... .  " because even that disclaimer could be considered an admission.  "But she was... .  " is not a good defense.

It's been often advised and warned here at bpdfamily, that if a spouse has threatened to call the police (or has involved them in the past) then it's just a matter of WHEN it happens (again), not IF.

This may not apply to men, but it sure applied to my ex when she was on trial, it was her first time in court and she was given a pass.  Who knows, maybe your court will too.

Second, ASAP get Bill Eddy's inexpensive handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder available at Eddy's www.HighConflictInstitute.com or Amazon, etc.  It is crucial to read it and apply it's advice and concepts, otherwise the legal systems will eat you up and spit out what's left.  He specifically warns against plea deals, those admissions of some level of guilt will come back to haunt you months and years later.

You may need to move over to the Family Law, Divorce & Custody board.  Sadly, your time on "Staying" turned out to be "Staying For Now".

There is a possiblity that at some point she will want to undo it, thinking she wants the old life back or you "learned your lesson".  Whatever, just (1) never ever admit guilt and (2) if she wants you back you can adapt your strategy to undo the current case, wait a while and then separate less dangerously.  If you do go back, make she first recants, withdraws the case or whatever it takes so that it goes away and stays away.  Otherwise, it will be just too dangerous to live in close proximity with that hanging over your head.

Also, if the temporary order keeps you from the kids, you can seek to have temporary parenting schedule set up during the interim.  Remember, this case is about alleged ADULT behavior.  Courts will often make a distinction between adult behaviors versus parenting behaviors.  For example, my ex was arrested and went to trial (and eventually acquitted) for threats of DV against me, but family court made a parenting order where she was the temporary custodial parent with majority time.  Go figure.

Rewards - hugs.   

What chaos you have been through!

To answer this question specifically:


The answer is, YES, this DOES mean something.  You are now officially charged as a perpetrator of domestic violence.  And with kids involved the court system will assume you are a danger to them as well, and that they must be protected against your inability to control your anger and violence.

Im really sorry to say it so bluntly.  But read it again - you are now, officially, charged with domestic violence.

ForeverDad has some great advice.  You MUST, from this moment on, be on full defense mode.  Get a lawyer.  Consult on exactly what/how to interact with your wife.  Basically, do not go anywhere near her or the children without clearing it with your lawyer first.  Men are not treated fairly - brace yourself.

You have been through so much.  Please, PROTECT YOURSELF in this - because at some point in the future you children are going to need you.

Call in your support group and tell them whats happening and tell them you need help.  Then take any help they are willing to offer, even if its just someone to talk to.

Thank you for this thread... .  Although I can not provide any site or advise, I will provide a little of my story and why your story means so much to me.  My uBPDw has hit, shoved, punch me several times... .  I have never hit her and feel I have never come close to doing so to her.  I have never called the police on her, although I have threatened to and chicken out.

My biggest fear is the following, that someday in the future I may do the same to her(in self-defense, or to prove a point).  I would hurt her and it would probably be just as simple as you "A simple slap to the cheek... .  " Am I planning to no... .  do I think I am planning to no... .  

Again the reason for my response, is how much we can not allow continued\ongoing physical violence to happen to us. We are only one day and one argument will change our lives and theirs forever. 

I recently started a thread "Can we forgive physical violence?",  if it happened only once or twice to be and my wife accepted responsibility for it maybe I could. She never has... .    I think rewards2 has already acceptable it has his mistake. My wife always tells me its my fault or I caused her to do it.  The only reason why I have not left myself is the following, we finally made it to marriage counseling and she is individual counseling.   Just last weekend I was able to address this violence is deal breaker for me, and my wife did not kick or stream.   In the next couple weeks, I will be able to again address it with my wife.  If she take ownership I may will give my marriage a little more time, if not I guess I will be done.

I have done a lot of reflecting of domestic violence over the last couple years... .  and as sad it is to say I can see how one partner could do it one time.   I only say that for the following... .  its almost like the kid touching the hot stove, you do not know what happens until it happens.  Unlike the kid we are adults, it just talks one person to make the mistake and both people can see the damage it causes. 

We all get to caught up with our BPD partners... .  Rewards2 took him many years to snap, how long will it take me... .  somedays I worry about myself.

Rewards2... .  I hope that you can sort out you mess easily...

Order says nothing about the children?  It's as I figured, it's limited to you and her.  But how to have access to the children?  Likely a police/peace officer or officer of the court (a lawyer for example) could facilitate an exchange.  Try it at a neutral location such as a police station.  If she refuses to drop them off, I guess you could pick them up from school?  Though that might enrage her.  She may feel that if she has the house, she has them.  And in a practical sense, she's mostly right.  You and she may have equal parenting rights, but until family court gets involved, they're undefined and it can be a free-for-all.  Right now that order puts you at a distinct disadvantage and limits your options.  In my case, the local police would not escort me to make exchanges, saying I had to have a parenting order in hand before they'd do anything.

Hopefully she'll miss having you around to watch the kids and soon decide she needs you more than she hates you.  Obviously, don't make it easy for her by paying her to hire sitters to replace you.  If she demands money, say you had to give it all to the lawyer, etc.  If you have money in joint accounts, have you considered taking out at least half and keeping it separate in your name only?  Again, say you need it to pay your legal bills.  (You don't have to divulge whether your legal bills are due this week or next year.  Now is not the time to share information or strategies with her or else they will be most likely used against you as long as you are rejected and painted black.)

The best short term solution is to see if she will calm down and withdraw her claims.  (Some states, such as Matt's, don't allow a person to withdraw charges, the case proceeds even if the complainant refuses to cooperate.)  I say short term solution because if she's done it once, she will do it again.  The ability to get you arrested is scary control leverage over you.  If this case does go away, you will need to figure out how to avoid that happening again.

Or if there is a hearing in a week or two the case might be dismissed there.  Does this order end after 90 days and nothing else is pending?  Or is there some sort of trial or hearing ahead of you?

"I just got word" ... .  maybe that tweety bird can pass along screenshots?  However, it is social media and I don't think you can do anything about it.  Court likely won't care - unless she's saying it's her fault or something else that makes you look good.

Do I want her to calm down and go back?

My postion at the moment is either she gets help or I am out.

Going back is scary. As I told my friends, going to jail for 24 hour is a once in a lifetime experience.

If I thought it would help, hey, fine. But she cold very easily do the same thing again a year or two from now and it could be worse for me, more than 24 hours.

How can i go back?

As far as seeing the kids, they have been calling me and I stop around the block and they come into the car. It has been working so far.

I want the best, but I don't see how I could go back. Especially that she will use the threat of calling the police all the time over me.

Can anyone open my eyes? Is it possibe to go back?

Mike76, that is amazing that she did those things to you and you never felt like hitting her back?

I mean my wife has hit me and spit on me mnay times and never felt like doing the same to her.

I don't even think what I did could be called hitting her.

It was more like: "Enough"!

Wanted to or felt like hitting... .  I guess a couple times, but I know it is wrong and I talk myself out of it. 

I think my biggest fear is the same thing that has happened to you (rewards), someday I will hit\slap back as you said( enough is enough).   I will get blamed just the same as you, and then need to deal with the same crap as you are right now. 

We meet with the marriage therapist again tonight,  my only goal talking about this abuse.

I don't think anyone here wants you to go back, especially long term as she is.

However, there is a possibility that she may want you back at some point.  If that happens you may decide to carefully weave that into your legal strategy.  You could very vaguely say maybe you would work things out with her but... .    But you can't come back as long as there is a bleck mark on your record and a potential case in the future.  Put it on her to undo it - if your state allows things like that to be dropped.  (An added complication is whether an arrest that is later dismissed can be used agianst you in the future.  In some way it would be good to get a written recanting from her of her claims.)

If all that happened, her wanting you back and her undoing the complaint, then you two would hopefully be back on a relatively equal level again legally and you could 'then' at that point 'reconsider' and decide to separate anyway, doing so as peacefully, quickly and non-confrontationally as possible.  (Of course you would never indicate you ever led her on, since you never actually promised anything definite and besides a person always has the right to reconsider.)

Does that make sense?  It may never happen, but it could.  In my case, I was totally rejected and in 7+ years my ex has never tried to reconcile.  Mine didn't, many don't, but no one knows if your wife might.

I get the feeling she might want you back at some point since she is so accustomed to having you watch the kids.  However, if you're paying her to hire a sitter, then she might not have any incentive to want you back since you're paying for your replacement.

And most certainly don't go back even briefly if she succeeds in having your record marred by this incident.  There's no point and it would put you at high risk for additional allegations.

There would be risk involved if you went back. She will hold the incident over your head. Her negative behaviors could esculate and cross new boundries. Your "buttons" will be pushed constantly and the kids will see it all. She might, no she  WILL call the cops again.   You dont want to be with someone whos wanting to call the cops on you all the time or someone who frustrates you that much.  She isn't normal.     I went back to mine. I would advise against it, just more months or years in the fog and maybe another arrest.

Do you have a criminal defense attorney, or a family law attorney?

You might be able to get some guidance from this organization:

www.fathersandfamilies.org/

Lawyers, I have, yes, One for the criminal and one for the family part.

It hurts. I saw all the kids together last night for the first time.

I tried to avoid this.

But I agree that going back is not healthy.

Your first concern has to be getting the best outcome to the criminal case.  You don't want a criminal conviction on your record.

And helping the kids through this time.  How are they doing?

Think about the relationship later.  You certainly can't deal with it well if you're too stressed about the criminal case.  (That was my experience anyway.)

Thanks for that Matt,

I have been doing that and I will continue to.

I am wondering, has anyone gone back after being arrested and made it work?

There is not one friend or advisor that tells me to go back.

The only hope is that she will have some sort of realization.

So far that has not even appeared close to happening though

I'll tell you what my criminal defense attorney told me:

Never be alone with her again, without a non-family adult third party present.

I guess you could ask on the Staying board.  (I call it "Staying For Now" since staying often means constantly reviewing the situation to determine the progress.)  What we say here is that even if there are some exceptional cases and drastic turnarounds, can you count on being one of those relatively few cases?  Can you risk further exposure?  While you can always hope for the best, you must plan and prepare for the worst.  Odds are that if you're reasonably prepared and protected, it will turn out somewhere in between.

Sadly, listen to your friends and advisors.  It is what it is.  Dreams and hopes and wishes are nice but in our scenarios, well, reality is what we must deal with, accept and move forward.

Looking back... .  remember the story about Lot's wife?  She looked back, likely longing for the things or people left behind.  Didn't work for her.  She got burned bad.

Huge disclaimer here:  We are saying that the marriage and relationship with your wife are failing.  No one can say for sure whether it has already failed beyond repair, but unless there are significant changes, it will remain unhealthy and dysfunctional.  However, you do have a relationship with your children. The court will ensure you maintain contact with them.  What is in your power is to have as much contact with them as possible and keep influencing their lives for the better.  The marriage may be ending or even ended, but your parenting continues!  (We can't know in advance how cooperative or uncooperative your spouse will be when you try to co-parent.)


If it happens, as iffy as it may be, it would be years in the making.  It will not be some sudden flash of insight, sudden flashes of insight are just as likely to suddenly revert, just as with the ups and downs of an endless roller coaster ride.  To have a chance to last it would have to have a solid foundation of continuing therapy and professional guidance.

Hi Rewards.

You have been through so much.      

Maybe I shouldnt - and take this with a grain of salt because its just one strangers perspective from a distance.

But from what I have followed and read in your story, its my $.02 that its pretty highly unlikely for you to be able to go back and 'make it work'.  I havent seen anything in any of your posts to suggest that your wife has a change in position, perspective, or behavior.  And given that its now escalated to criminal charges I would fear that this would be something she would pull again (99.9% likely).  Nobody can ever say something is 'impossible' - but I will just say it seems highly, highly 'improbable'.

Sorry.  Im a stayer.  But I dont see this turning out well and Im concerned you arent doing everything you can to take care of yourself.

Yeeter, what do you mean - what could Rewards maybe do, to take better care of himself right now?

(I think it's a really good thing to focus on at this super-stressful time!)

Good question Matt.

Your advice on taking care of the criminal/formal accusations as priority is at the forefront.  This means (to me) no interaction or approach or activity of any kind without legal guidance.

It also means a strategic plan with your lawyers on how you are going to work through the criminal charges.  It 'might' mean children protective services being brought in (sometimes this is useful, sometimes not - for me I believe it was helpful in the long run, and although they say they will not testify in court - they told me that if subpoena'd, then it DOES come into court and implied it happens all the time)

For sure it means documenting, in writing and sharing with your lawyer, each and every thing you do/did for your children and all the various ways you were directly involved in their lives.  It is imperative that you keep doing these things (increase them even!), and it might even take a court order to allow it.  But many times the judges tend to lean towards the 'status quo' - meaning how you engage right at this super stressful time is setting precedence for the future.

Your life right now should be focused on doing whatever will set you up for the most interaction with your kids in the long run.

Then somehow, some way - do something that gives you a mental break.  I find intense exercise is great (its hard to stress about something when all you can think about is where your next breath will come from).  Rally any friends, family, or anyone that owes you a favor of any kind.  Use it - even if just a connection and chit chat and something to do for an evening.

Super stressful time indeed!  I havent been through it so take my advice with that in mind - the other advice here is great stuff (use the legal boards as well!).  Its a marathon and you have to remain physically and emotionally strong through it, to have the energy needed.

Im in no way being critical of anything your doing so my apologies if it came out that way.  Im just trying to offer support and any ideas that might be helpful.  Crazy times, and I feel for you.     

I guess "take good care of yourself" could also mean a good diet, regular sleep, and counseling.  Those all helped me a lot.

And you desperately need to change your perspective.

It's not, "Will she want me back?"  It's, "How do I ensure I protect myself and my children as best I can, now and in the future, and develop plans for various scenarios so I am prepared for virtually anything she does?"

This is a really good point.

Let me give you an example.

When we were married, the event that caused us to separate was my wife melting down and getting violent - destroying property and attacking me with my guitar.  I tried to manage the situation but couldn't, and I took her outside the house, and locked all the doors, and then fixed the kids dinner.  I figured (not too wisely) she would go to a neighbor's house, get some good advice, and calm down.  But she called the police and told them a story, and I was arrested and charged with assault.  (Later dropped based on the police report - they caught her lying.)

When things settled down, and I had another place to live, I wanted to make sure that never happened again, and I realized that if she was ever in my house, I was at risk, because if she melted down the whole thing could happen again.  There might not be a good way to deal with it.

So I offered to do all the driving, picking up the kids and dropping them off.  Later I asked that to be put into the court order, and it was.  I didn't say why, and my wife's lawyer viewed it as a "win", because I had to do all the driving.  The reality was, it was my way of avoiding a similar incident in the future.

So you can also think about all the different scenarios that could happen - maybe like stuff that has occurred in the past, including this most recent incident - and find ways to avoid them.  Once things heat up, it's really hard to cool them down.  The best strategy is to avoid situations where things might get ugly.

It is.

I was never in your situation, Rewards2, but I was in a situation. My (diagnosed) wife had run off, ODed, was going in and out of psychiatric wards, and was in a shelter system in between (on what pretense, I'll probably never know for sure). She did and sometimes didn't want a divorce, demanded that I bring some of the kids to her (she knew she couldn't handle them all), threatened at one point to have mysterious "people" come to "check on the kids" (never happened), and other crazy stuff.  Felt like the world was coming down around my ears.

Nothing got better though, until I changed my perspective. Until I stopped desperately wanting her back, wanting things "back to normal". Until I shifted my focus to what makes sense to do right now, based on the facts of what is happening.

Read this again... .       |iiii

I did. I got aressted and went back and it did work.  I thought it worked, I was still being emotionaly abused though.  6 years later I got arrested again and almost went to the state pen for something I didnt do. I was in jail for 45 days. I went back again. and it worked. Then I went though hell again. I went back again, I went through hell (not jail but hell) again and again.  Now all these years later I  am going through hell again. My kids are stressed and a wreck.  

So you could go back and it could work, at least work well enough that you can lie to yourself and pretend its okay.  I would not follow in my footsteps though.  You are never going to have a normal relationship with her or even one that is almost normal now.  There is too much fuel for the fire, to many triggers in her head to turn on you.

It sucks what you are going through now.

You can go through it and spend a year or two healing and getting better.

You can give in and go back to the dance and end up in a worse position with the same feelings 10 years from now.  

Either way we are here for you.  

And I am not saying that the love you have for her 'good side"  isnt real but alot of us confuse codependency with love and a codependent disfunctional bond is the hardest to break.  It feels like pulling your heart out of your chest.

Wow is all I can say. Wow to sfbayjed for going back so many times. At this point I am not considering going back. It was one think to sit there and ignore her abuse. But putting myself in harm's way (going to jail again) is not a way to go in my opinion. I agree 100% that within 10 minutes of being back in the house after this 90 day order of protection is over she could be doing crazy stuff and threatening to call the police.

It is true, it is naive to think you will have  a sudden awakening and start to get real help. even if she did, it would take time.

A line has been crossed here and there is no going back.

The question is now what about the kids.

We have six kids. I have been seeing them. It hurts when they ask, "When you come back are you coming back for good?"

But I will have to do what I must do.

What is the way to look at custody? Full custody? Shared? Or one friend said save my money, and let the state take care of it when they see she cannot take of them and then the state will give you custody.

One thing I wanted was to avoid this. I tried. But this is what it is.

Yes it is.

As for custody, seek the most you can get.  While we are the sort of people to be gallant, overly fair, overly whatever, that weakens your case.  Imagine going before the judge as saying I think 50/50 is fair. and she happens to still be in her emotional state and says she wants 101%.  Well, the judge, who may or may not be perceptive and experienced, might read between the lines and say, this guy has his head screwed on straight, let's give him exactly what he asks.  Sadly, that's a low probability.  More likely is that he would see mother has a history of majority parenting and so he decides to "split the difference", give you standard minority time (alternate weekends and maybe a little extra in between) and let you go off to work and pay for two households.

I often recommend that you present your parenting case as best you can, ask for custody and majority time, but also add that if the judge doesn't feel that is justified, you can accept equal parenting time.  The point is you do have to ask for extra know you will probably get less.  You can't be timid.  But conversely you also can't be unreasonable like the disordered parents and ask for 101% or make twisted or baseless allegations.

I have custody now.  But when I arrived in court over 7 years ago, I got alternate weekends in the temp orders for the next 2.5 years, while continually fending off false allegations.  Then we settled on Trial Morning and I had equal time and was the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  Two years later I went back for custody.  Another two years and I'm in court again due to continuing poor behaviors of ex and seeking majority time.  For me it's been a long process but I got there.  Others may never get to have full custody.  We have a wide range of situations here.

Your friends who say, let the state deal with it, let them figure it out and hand the kids over to you later on.  Well, what if that never happens?  What if the state never steps in?  What if her poor behaviors never rise to the level of agency intervention?  Then what?  Yes, she may be the sort that can't parent long term by herself.  But have you heard of "parentification"?  It's where the kids are raised to be the parent.  She might get the older kids to hold things together and never let it get to the point of agency intervention.  You never know.

It's questions like that which keep us involved.  And most of all, how would you answer your kids years from now, ":)addy, did you fight for us?" or "Mom always says over and over that you didn't love us, you abandoned us and walked away.  How could you?"  We understand if you can't do a $100K or $50K divorce.  We understand that she is effectively trying to drive you away.  It's not necessarily how much you spend, it's that you tried your reasonable best.  If you can look the kids in the eyes and tell them you did your reasonable best, they'll accept that.  You don't have to be Superman.

And you can make a huge difference in their life even with every other weekend visitation. As they get older they will know they have a stable parent and a home they can go to in the event it becomes untenable in their mother's home. The thing to watch out for is her alienating them so that they don't want to come see you. Whatever you do decide as far as your time goes, fight to protect that time. Don't let her say, "the kids don't want to come see you." Too bad. Not their choice.

My SO has had to fight through that for 2 years. Every time it was "he doesn't want to see you," my SO went over and got him anyway and documented it if she wouldn't allow it. Now he's starting to come out of that and asked to keep 50/50 time in court after 2 years of saying he wanted to live with his mother.

Time is your friend with the kids... .  they may align with her initially because she'll be so emotionally needy, demanding and fragile, in their minds... .  but they will begin to see that you are the one they can count on and be kids with.

Parentification is already happening. We have 6 kids. The 2 oldest are girls and the rest boys. This week my D12 tells me how she got all three boys on the bus and to school.

Isn't that child abuse as well?

The mother sleeping while a 10 year old gets her kids on the bus?

Rewards - are you keeping a journal of all the interactions, and items like this?

Its much more powerful if you have a running log, collected over a long duration.  And any of these that can be validated by a third party is useful to note as well. 

In addition to all the negative items like this one, also it should include all the ways and things you are doing to keep engaged with the kids (practices, rehearsals, play dates, parent/teacher conferences, etc etc)

I had a limited list at one point and found it very helpful to just share with CPS, etc.  So when she claimed I abandoned the kids, I was able to provide a list of every item I was still engaged with.  The list spoke for itself and was very useful to change the preconception of the governing bodies.

Yes, I have been writing things down. And I am going to keep doing so. As much as possible and in as much detail as possible.