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I was ruminating a bit today about the ex, and missing her again. It's been well over a year, but it takes me forever to get over things. And especially when a relationship involved such insane dynamics.

It helps to reread the journal I kept while with her. I recorded everything, as I seriously lost my mind, or almost did, with her.

I just came across this one sentence, and it made me laugh: "You shouldn’t have to take Xanax to be with your soul mate for the afternoon, seriously."

That's how bad my relationship was!  I would pop a Xanax, down some whiskey, and head on out the door to see her. Without a Xanax, I couldn't bear it.

And I still miss her?

There should be a name for the kind of crazy they make us.  lol

Slowly... .  99% of the people on this board can relate... .  it is something they never prepare you for in school!  I know it's been a year, but hopefully you've attempted to move on and get help to overcome that deadly gravatational pull.

I fear those "dynamics" is what kept us nons so interested.  It was like an emotional slot machine that pays off just enough to keep you coming back for more, but in the end, will take everything you put into it.

I too have kept, and continue to maintain a journal... .  if for no other reason than to convince myself that I wasn't making any of this stuff up.  It also helps to reflect why the r/s didn't work out and what to look for in the next go round.

Regardless, slowly but surely is the right approach.  Stay on the straight and narrow and don't be tripped up by an unexpected recycling attempt like I was. 

F1

I certainly played the fool big time. :)

Money, sex, home cooked meals, sex, walking on eggshells, clothes, forgiveness, acceptance, I even bought my ex floss, socks, a new coat, a cell phone... .  you name it... .  he took it... .  and would have taken the shirt off my back if I'd given him permission. He literally became my child and I his parent. It's taken me nearly two years to fully recover... .  healing takes time... .  it isn't a race where we stop and compare notes. We all have our healing journey.

We do things for love but we also do them to avoid the person we need to love the most... .  the person looking in the mirror.

Spell

Thanks, forgottenone!

That is very good advice, and I really like your analogy of the emotional slot machine. That was it, exactly.

As far as being prepared for unexpected recycles though... .  I'm afraid you don't know who you are talking to here. I believe I am the Reigning Queen of Recycles on this entire board.

I broke up with her over 20 times in one year.

It is true.  All of it.

Someday I'll tell my grandkids all about it,  lol

You know what, though. I am getting so much better, with time and reflection and therapy and mediation and all that good and fun stuff.  I look back on that time and think What the HECK?  That was ME?  

|iiii

Thanks, BPDSpell, 

We can all relate so well to the crazy, I know.

I'm glad you are feeling better. 

It does take a long time. You just can't name it when you're in it, but slowly you see it for what it was - the further you are out from it

The craziness within it makes you take the Xanax. And the disbelief after it (that they could cut you off, move on so fast, provide no closure.) is what slows the healing outside of it!

I still ruminate a lot about my ex, but at the same time know I would not response to any attempted dialogue nor fall for any recycle. Weird stage... .  to be largely healed but still have this pull.

But as BPDspell rightly says, at the heart of it is an avoidance of self love. I think this experience is like a daily slap in the face reminding us to love ourselves

bb12

It takes what it takes! I know that sounds corny... .  but it does. I'm a year out too for me I think about him still too. As each month or a holiday comes and goes I think about him and what it was like LAST year when I was with him. I miss the good parts of him, I probably always will and I'm okay with that.

BTW, I remember grabbing an anti anxiety pill more than once to take with me if I was headed to see him too! That's too funny!

I'm so far as seeing much comedy in his behaviour... .  it is a sad comedy though. I often think "how an earth he could make me believe that, or why I did not see what he was trying to do".

I couldn't wait weekend to end when he was with me from Friday to Monday morning. When he left I was able finally to breath and take the fake smile from my face. And I wanted him back, several times, and missed him so much he was able to really humiliate me and rub it in my face big time? And I couldn't wait to marry him! Thank God his fear of engulfment made sure we never got that far. It is sick, and 50% of sickness in that relationship was mine. The best part is, he still has his sickness, but I will have a good life without him.

For two years I was in constant fear, anxiety, and worried. And I thought him to be the love of my life. That is really hilarious!