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DD took a 2 week break from her probation - skipped all UA's, classes, therapy appts. Yesterday was her rescheduled T appt at the probation couseling center. She said no when I reminded her we needed to leave in 15 minutes. I suggested she called to let them know as a considerate thing to do. And she did. Then she called right back and said - wait, I need to come in. So I took her 25 minutes late. DD invited me to come in a talk with T to share the realities of her cognitive issues. So I did. And it became more clear to me as I described her problems from the initial dx of ADHD at age 4, bipolar at age 6, none of the many meds she tried making much difference... .  The T suggested to pursue help at the Brain Rehab at the community hospital in our area.

I have been here before - but without adequate resoureces. Both fianancial and emotional. Maybe now is the time - I can be an advocate and DD is ready to participate. She never was before - starting at age 3 in OT beleiving it was all "stupid". I can see this today as it feeling humiliating - setting her apart from her peers even at this young age.

So I am starting this journey of research, phone, calls etc again. Limited by her medicaid. Will most likely need a referral from someone. Hope I can get this from the county mental health center where she is a client.

I wrote in my journal last night: Dd has tried psycho/behavioral, psycho/pharmecutical, psycho/educational approaches throughout her life. It is time to find resources for her cognitive/neurological - ie. cognitive brain training NOT cognitive behavior training. The behavioral part can succeed best after her brain is at its peak performance.

Now to find this without going bankrupt!

qcr

Wonderful news qcarol... .  that dd went to T  even if late... .  so good to hear this!

I so admire your persistance... .  obviously driven by your love and compassion for your d.  Remember to take care of self on the journey.

 

 

lbj

I was wondering how you all were.

I took a break too   maybe it's not good for her, but hey, she's back again!

I was thinking before, you are in the middle (almost) of winter. That's when things get really hard. There is sun deprivation, grey skies and bleak weather... .  that's when we hibernate ... .  

good luck with the brain stuff. Hope you can get some neural feedback stuff that LBJ's dd had. It sounds good.

cheers,

Vivek    

qcaroir,

I am very curious.  What is cognitive brain training? 

Reality

Reality - I am not exactly sure. It is something used for people with brain injuries - traumatic, strokes, etc. I searched online and came up with various things. New to me. I will keep you posted.

Did talk to the rehab unit a the major hospital in city near us today - they have a very good reputation. Talked to their office today and left a message for the manager of the dept. to call me. They do take medicaid, but will need a referral. So that is next step.

DD went to her probation drug/alcohol class tonight. Came home looking quite down. She shared this was story sharing night - she had most harsh sentence of any there. She went to town to visit friends tonight - and bf"M" left for town today so maybe she is hoping to be with him too. Not my problem, though hard to keep all this on back burner of my mind.

lbj  - yes, I need to put energy in self-care right now. So distracted - gd and dh need more of my attention. So taking a break from reading many posts here for a bit.  I really have in my mind to move away from it all - get an apt. with no pets, no kids, and no dh either. Clear of clutter and dirt. I did call my T and make an appt in 2 weeks. Am going to my weekly bible study group - connection with other women and God.  I really won't move out - but nice fantasy. Sipping tea and reading in the quiet. Being able to invite friends over for quiet dinner and interesting talk of other things than my family.

I shared this desire with my family - dh has been so kind to me. I would miss him too much, and be too lonely. And gd does need me consistently in her life. Her mom had a brief angry moment with me and gd responded to her mom so precisely. Stopped DD in her tracks. I had asked bf to sort his stuff out to clear the family room - he said he was leaving anyway because we were all 'mental cases' (I had been venting on dh upstairs about lots of things - home, work, etc - a mini breakdown). Dd said tearfully that she loved him - so I said she could go with him. They were grown ups and as bf/gf they should be taking care of each other not depending on dh and I. So DD came up and was doing telling gd that I had stolen her, I couldn't have kids, I was a bad parent, she was the mom, blah blah. And gd looked her mom in the eye and said - "I know you are my mom. But sometimes you are not here. And I get to choose where I live!"  Bravo for gd. Still sad though that my littel 7 year old needs these skills at this young age.

DD and bf later apologized for their angry responses - and stayed and sorted stuff. Effect - more chaotic downstairs than before they started  


qcr  

qcr,

Bravo on two fronts.  One, your understanding that you need self care, and I am sending all my positive thoughts your way, in the hope that you will find the time to take that care.  Not easy to do with a young gd, and dh who need your time.  But I am hopeful you will tend to yourself and find joy in doing just that!

On front two, Bravo for being a wonderful advocate.

mik

Lol! Yeah, that good old fantasy of getting an apartment all to yourself with NO ONE or NOTHING (EG: Pets) to take care of is probably a common one among us. It is a normal fantasy to have when we burnout from being the caregivers of adolescent or young adult children who can barely function. Don’t feel guilty when you have it, actually, it helps to just get lost in it for a while. It can be quite refreshing  :)

qcr,

I know that fantasy about a little place of my own. The sun is always shining in that dream... .  

You write so well, I can just see the scene you describe. And a bigger mess now to clean up! Hhhhrmph!

So, it's back to acceptance, self compassion and self care eh? Or my new words: "Connection, defusion and expansion" (CDE easy for me to remember!)

Cheers,

Vivek     

CDE - I will remember that one - at least for a little. :)

DD gone for 2nd night tonight with bf"M". Either couch hopping or street sleeping - not too cold out (30 instead of 15). Was a very peaceful evening with dh and gd. They did spelling together while I got dishes done after dinner instead of middle of night (ie. before I go to bed at 11pm-12pm). Just so much more quiet with DD and bf out.

I had really high blood pressure past couple days. Know it was emotionally driven. Actually put myself in time out a couple days ago - and took my blood pressure while in my room. On meds. but 155/85 is higher than my usual 130/70. Felt like my head was going to explode.

So trying to focus on breathing, relaxing and dropping shoulders, saying - NMP (not my problem) at home and at work. I feel much better tonight. Even with demanding texts from DD this afternoon - that I texted a calm 'no' to. Geez, that felt good. And dh was right there with me on the last one after he got home.  [we had asked bf'm' to sell some electronic stuff for us before Christmas - he tried, got a scam repsonse, got frustrated with my intense response, gave it up. Now he has found someone with the cash, less his 'finders fee'.  We put it back with our TV and are using it - Christmas is done. Told them we are keeping it. No word after that. Will see what shakes out when they come home again.

I am tired of bf in our home - he is a worse slob than DD. He tried to 'organize' his stuff in family room. Now it is spread everywhere instead of in one corner. Just ready to haul it away. Need to let him know this will happen when Feb gets here.

I so appreciate you all here to listen to my ranting - and remind me to take care of myself.  

qcr  

I understand about dropping the shoulders... .  but I remind myself to square my shoulders and stand up straight... .  good posture you know? So when you dro those shoulders, don't slump eh? 

love ya,

Vivek    

Update: DD came home after 2 days, bf"M" is now an exbf. Have heard this before - hope it is real this time. Hope DD can find solace with other friends and not pursue him. Hope this one can end without violence. Gd asked at dinner lasr night why he left - I told her maybe he is feeling angry with grandma because I asked him to get his stuff out of family room, and I was so grumpy last week about the dogs/dirt/etc. She seemed to accept this - DD made no comment.

DD was very quiet past couple days - very depressed and keeping to herself. Smoking too much pot - yes it is against her probation. We just left her alone except to invite her to eat dinner and watch movie with gd yesterday. While gd and I were at the store this morning she left with a friend for town. Dh was here and gave her $5 for emergency fund.

Walking in from outside my house was so powerfully full of pot smell - maybe why my eyes are infected again today - treated a week ago. And the headache. The fan in her window is just not enough. So I opened all the windows, turned down the furnace, and am airing out the place. exbf"M" texted DD to just donate all his stuff. So I am working on bagging it all up today. Felt the need to let DD know what we are doing - transparency and honesty comes with house rule for kindness and respect. And as dh said - safer to initially do this via text while she is gone with friends.

So this is what I sent:

"Msg 1 of 2: I hope you are able to find support with your friends in town today. I am so sad for the pain you are feeling about "M". He will find somewhere else to live -- he cannot come back here. We are bagging his stuff to donate."

"Msg 2 of 2: I get it that smoking helps u get thru this. Coming home from store today house had very strong pot smell. Makes me feel sick. We need u to smoke everything outside or not smoke at our house. This is a hard thing to ask. It is important tho."

DD reply to msg 1: "I don't want to get rid of everything."  My response: "We will let u look thru bags before we take to Goodwill next Friday."

There was no reply to the smoking pot msg.  Have to get ready to enforce that one next time she is home. Ask her to go outside or offer her a ride somewhere else.

On another note: I feel that DD will eventually end up in jail. Probation is too hard for her -- she uses her pot to manage her emotional distress. Not at a place to be willing to put work into therapy to learn other ways to cope. I am letting go - stepping back. And maybe I will get healthier as I work thru this process yet again.

We have talked about jail over past couple weeks - what I am willing to do for her while she is there - what she needs to ask the judge for at a probation violation hearing. She knows she is violating - she tried last week to get back into the groove by going to T appt and the drug/alcohol class. She has not asked for a ride to do UA for about 3 weeks. The distress of relinquishing bf"M" has pushed her away from coping with probation.

Prayers for mercy. That is what I can do for her for now. God have Mercy on her soul; mercy from the judge; mercy from our family and neighbors. Mercy overcomes judgements. I am her mom, not her judge. I do love her so.

qcr  

qcr,

When is her hearing?

My dd continues to smoke pot, too.  Her house arrest will be starting soon.  I hope that she realizes that she needs to quit and soon.  She believes they will expect her first UA to be positive for thc.   I don't know.  Such a risk taker!

I know it is hard.    Prayers for mercy.

 

peaceplease

So much hurt, disappointment. So sad. I am sorry.

I am praying for mercy for you, properly praying too.

Love to you,

Vivek    

qcarolr-

I appreciate your sharing of your texts to your DD... .  so many of us struggle to find the "right" words, your texts are spot on, validation with some support and empathy and then the truth. And I have to say, none of it sounds fakey, just right. Kudos!

I think each time we find the right thing to say and we post here it really does help those who struggle with these concepts.

I can CLEARLY see that you are in a much, much better place and WOW is that ever good, better than good, it's awesome!

Thursday

There is no hearing yet. She sees her probation officer 1st week of Feb-  I don't have it on my calendar and DD has not shared if he called her back with this appt time/date. Seems to take a month or two for the formal violation to happen. With her DUI in 2010 they mailed a notice of the violatoin and hearing date. If she blows the hearing then hey issue a warrant for arrest. DD made a comment a couple weeks ago "My friends all seem to just wait to get picked up on the warrant. Why am I doing all this work? It will never get better."  She gets to choose whose counsel to take in - wish it was mine. So out of my control. Just keep validating these feelings when she lets me in. Maybe she will be back home today or tomorrow. I am not allowing myself to call her - letting go is hard to do.


  Do you think they think about this behavior and the consequences, or just think they will be 'lucky' and get away with the risks?  I sure don't know.[/quote]

Thanks peaceplease.

ya know - I am not feeling sad today. Church was so good for me today - series on "Love Matters". Warmed my heart, and reassured me both within myself and in my connection to so many others in my life. Including all of my friends here. Thanks for the prayers.

qcr  

It is still such an effort, with DD especially, to find the valdating words and wait for the teaching moment for the truth piece. We have had lots of good face to face conversations in past few months - glad I could open this topic via text.

I am more CLEAR past couple days. Think some of that is dh and I getting firm with ourselves about bf'm' not returning to our home. He has gotten less and less stable since the holidays with his FOO. I am praying hard for DD to find the strength to move away from him for now. They have been friends long before the bf/gf thing this past year. They share the same group of friends. Hope the larger group can be there for each of them as needed.

Thanks for stopping by with your reply.

qcr  

I am glad you are feeling stronger and that you and your dh are working well together, esp kicking of bfM.

I am glad that the support at your church adds to your resolve and clear mind.

I am glad that you are here with us.

I still feel sad for you to be in this situation. I think it's the marijuana thing that touches a nerve with me. I think I understand that risk thing. I think it's a defiance thing, 'See, I can do it. You can't stop me! I am with my people. You want to, you fix this for me!' and there is nothing that can be done unless she does it. I see it as a sort of relflection of a sense of frustration and powerlessness. Maybe if this is so, you could reinforce the ways she is control of her life, she's the one driving the bus and you are there to support her. These are her decisions she is making, decisions she will regret. She doesn't need to stop smoking mj because it's the law, she needs to for her own health. It is a mind altering substance and she needs to keep her mind clear to work through how to sooth herself.

ok, I know you know. I'm just saying it again... .  possibly for myself too, to remind me... .  

lots of love to you & dh & dd & gd,

Vivek    

Vivek  - I really need you pep talk today. Fear is my partner today. Makes clear thinking hard. DD came home last night, but I did not talk with her until today (settling gd for night).And it is another tough breakup with bf - her method to cope is vengeful transfer of anger. She even said this to me today - and it is so justified in her mind. She wants to share with me, yet as soon as I suggest there is another way, she shifts into attack mode "see, I can't share anything with you cause you turn it against me'. I listened for an hour to the litany of harrassing actions she took with about everyone she was with past couple days, then retreated to my home office to log into work. Told her I was working at home so could give her a ride to her T appt. at 11. She has chosen not to go to appt. Wants a ride to town WITH HER DOG. This dog is very anxious with attack response - every time DD takes her to the park to visit ex-bf (he was there when she adopted this pup from humane society while they were homeless together in 2011) I am called to get the dog because she attacks someone.

So I have said I will not drive her to town today. I am working at home. Offered to drop her off when I go to my bible study tomorrow morning. Now to stick to this. Esp. when gd gets home from school. DD was constantly picking at gd this morning and our routine - and openly criticizing my every move with gd. I am taking gd right after school to a couple of neighbors with her girl scout cookie form - they asked at the bus-stop today to order some. Just hope she figures out a way to leave without the dog on her own - maybe find somone to give her a ride.

I HAVE TO STICK TO THIS BOUNDARY. IF SHE GETS PHYSICAL I HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE. IF SHE IS HARRASSING GD I WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH GD TO GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING UNTIL DH GETS HOME.

Sorry for 'yelling' here - but I need to yell so not to breakdown and cry. THis is so hard so hard.

Vent enough - back to work.

qcr :'(

ps. I think I need to start a new topic as my 'coaching' is not working  - or maybe it is, I just need to let go of the outcomes (as lbjnltx has so often reminded me!)

geez qcr... .  life sucks eh?

ok, here goes. I think my dd used to shovel her anger into our faces because she thought it was an 'honest' emotion and reflection of how she was feeling. Because we are her parents, we should have been able to take it 'if she couldn't be 'honest' with us, then who could she be honest with?' That was her logic. I consider it born of self righteousness - a BPD trait than runs through my family    That sense of powerlessness accompanies it and brings challenging attitudes to authority.

Perhaps if this fits your dd, knowing this analysis might give you sufficient distance to set you and the others apart form this virago.

You cannot change her, you know this. All you can do is set your boundaries to proect yourself and those you best wishes, validate her emotions, practise mindfulness for yourself and meet your own emotional needs.

If appropriate you could say: "When you do things like getting angry in this way and taking the dog into town. I get scared. I am scared you will not control your emotions and will become dangerous to us all here. I want to feel safe and I want you to calm down and control your emotions."

Whatever you do, stay calm yourself,

take care please,

Vivek    

qcr    to you.  I have no words of wisdom for you.  You have been one that has helped me so much through my times.  I know it is so hard when you love someone, want to protect them and have other's around to take care of as well.  Seems sometimes, we would like to fall apart and let them take care of us.  The strength Mothers have and where we seem to pull from amazes me sometimes. 

You have good judgment and seem so strong.  Take care of yourself.  Tomorrow will be a better day , I hope for you.  Enjoy your other family members.

I also for what it is worth, don't need bf.  Your sense is good there.

I have tried saying this - she seems to get high on my admissions of fear, esp. fear of her emotions or actions. Energizes her. She as much as said this to me with "when you cower, it justs makes me want to attack more".

Pondering all this, my gut says something other than pure emotions is driving DD right now. Perhaps this is what drove bf away. I think she is somewhat manic - or a lot manic. Since she convinced the clinic to rx her Vynase, an ADHD stimulant, I have seen this acceleration. I would not be surprised if some meth is making it's way into her as well, though I have not seen the level of rage that has been there in the past. Or maybe she is venting this out away from home, Maybe I am wrong about the meth. Maybe the rx meds are enough. Overheard her talking to a friend about what med they got today -also Vynase. Then she included a quick comment that bf called her a 'drug b***ch' or something to that effect. Also overheard her talking about owing money to someone. She gets her small cash benefit on Saturday. I expect she will want her card to take it all. She has been applying a big chunk of it toward probation costs ( or I have done that for her ).

So my heart is saying, confront her in a validating way about my suspicion - maybe these 'leaked' comments are a way of asking for help. Then the mind says - WHOA, this is asking for an assault. She is so close to the edge of losing it. No tolerance for gd's normal patterns of hyper behaviors at dinner tonight. Her face even looks different. I do know that any suggestions of drug use will be denied, and will increase her levels of defense against us.

Maybe she will just skip the probation appt. next week and be avoiding a warrant soon. I am ready for her to go to jail. Then I can hang up on her if she is ranting and write a letter. Put her money into her commissary instead of it going to buy drugs as I suspect it will.

So sad so sad. And all I can do is find the path back to peace for my family and keeping home healthy place for gd. I have seen this coming - still feels awful. I will get myself together. And my 3rd goal - letting go of DD. She does not want any help. Gd is looking for her to say goodnight, and she is not in the house. Maybe someone picked her up and she is gone without a trace - another sign of drug use. Do I let things take their natural course (as long as feel safe), or turn her in to probation officer?

I need you all so much - thanks for your love and care.

qcr :'(  

I have such trouble getting out of my own avoidance mode in this place. Don't make eye contact, try to keep everyone quiet -- walking on those crunchy eggshells.

Hi qcaroir,


Before my son started DBT, I remember that dynamic would sometimes occur.  Very scary in itself.

I hope you are strengthening your resolve and that your plans of action for yourself, your dh and your gd remain clear in your mind. 

Reality

our fallback position is to take care of ourselves and the vulnerable in our lives (ie gd).

'give me the stength to change what I can, accept what I can't, the wisdom to know the difference between the two and the capacity to live by my values, with integrity.' That's all you can do.

No need to confront her, no need to dob her in - just let the cards fall where they will.

I understand when you say that revealing your needs energises her. So sad. She is so unwell.

That you are avoiding the crisis is both understandable and reasonable, but there is nothing you can do anyway.

Now is when your church and religion becomes your strength... .  and of course us here.

Vivek    

ps did I tell you I hate 'drugs'?

Vivek  - all you say is in my mind this morning. DD will say what she will to take care of her perceived needs. She had walked out in the snow to the back fence. I saw the footprints in the snow. I assumed she was gone. Then let the dogs out one more time and they went nuts. She was kind of hiding just outside the fence. Maybe someone was there bringing her something for her other needs. I just really don't want to know as long as she can be decent inside our home. I tucked gd in and went to bed.

Checked in with her just now - she is staying home (she had asked for a ride in with me this morning). So I am looking forward to my bible study with no obligations for anyone else.

I feel hung over today - nauseous, headache, fatigue. Too much self-induced adrenal influx yesterday.

Yes, my faith is here for me if I let it. We are starting a study of the Psalms of Ascent (120-134) today with Beth Moore. It includes a daily meditation guide. Just in time I would say.

Thanks for all the hand holding - I sure don't know how I would do this without all of you that can sit with my soul and know my pain and frustration first hand.

qcr  

Dear qcr:  I just want to add my prayers to those of others---that you will indeed find a path to serenity with this painful situation.  Please take care of your health; your family needs you, as do we!   You continue to help me so much---even as our stories diverge, and our challenges differ.  You are a blessing to me, and to many others in this place.  Swampped        

qcarol

I just hate drugs! Living with BPD is hard enough but knowing that they are throwing drugs into the mix makes a bad situation worse.

Being on probation is very difficult and I know you worry about jail. I almost got very close to calling my ds probation officer once.  As it turned out he ended up being arrested all on his own.  But I definitely struggled with calling (because I was afraid for his safety) or letting things take their natural course.

What works for me is distraction otherwise I tend to just obsessively worry. I know it's out of my hands still I need to stay busy.

I hope you can take care of yourself and your gd and find some peace.

qcaroir,

You are your dd's staying point.  You are her strength.  By standing firm, you are always in the same place, so it is one less whirl.  

Breathe deeply, stand back... .  you have such an ability to strategize in ways that bring us all to great admiration... .  your tenacity is beyond belief... .  

What do you think you need to do about the possible drug use?  Is it becoming too intrusive for your comfort?  For your feelings of safety?

Reality

Trying for a quick update - have been catching up on all your posts. DH is having a playful day with gd and I get to sit at my computer. (made myself update checkbooks, credit cards etc and pay bills first though).

DD has been gone a couple days again. WITH EXBF THAT RECENTLY GOT OUT OF JAIL FOR ASSAULTING HER      Why he will have anything to do with her - she really provoked this. She was trying to break up with him and he would not let go. She picked and picked until he blew. Just thankful it was not at our house. Dh and I do care about this exb"G" who lived in our home for 10 months prior to this - and actually contributed to the family in several ways.

And then she said another exbf sent her facebook msg - this one from feb2009 assault that ended that r/s. DD was also arrested and this led to our RO and her being homeless.

I am feeling so done today - my moving away fantasy is very strong today. Have shared with dh that I want to "go to the desert" - be with myself, my books, my God. Like taking a sabatical. Feel like writing a book, but need a long term quiet space to do that.  Gd is too young and needing me - this brings me back to my reality.

So working with the radical acceptance of DD being who she is. She talks to me about all this - even shares her own doubts about it all. Then she does what she does. She told me this week she is ready to go to jail - cannot do the probation stuff - maybe she justs needs "a change". She has not done her UA's the whole month of Jan. She meets with her PO next week. Will he set violation hearing for her then?

gotta go be a wife and grammi now -- have enjoyed just being me for the afternoon.

qcr  

So glad you got to just be you for awhile.     

DD text for bus schedule home. Text back with times and that having no more house guests. She was very quiet and went downstairs. Glad I have church in morning and palydate in afternoon tomorrow.

qcr

qcr,

I can relate to much of what you have posted.  And, I am glad that I will be in church, tomorrow, too.   Such, a feeling of peace, there.  My dd has been so wicked.  And, some problems with her and dh.  They are all loony!  I mentioned to my dd that I was checking out therapists, and she yells that I don't need a therapist to learn how to set boundaries with my dh.  Yikes!  I am convinced that my dd is very wicked.  She says that my dh is going to make her explode.  I told her that she has to accept some responsiblity, and it is not all him.  Then, I am accused of taking his side.

I don't interfere much with her and my gs.  However, yesterday, I stepped in.  She was absoltuely MEAN.  She noticed that he had a mark on his face.  He said that he was kicked by some boy on the bus.  My dd went ballistic. It really appeared that she was angry with my gs.  I knew that she wasn't, but I told her to bring it down a notch.  She blasted me for interfering.  Then, tells him that she is not mad at him.  And, then gets angry when I tell her that I am not going out to buy him a $10 toy as she was demanding.  (Her guilt)  She made me look likeI was so insensitive that I would not go out and buy him a toy.   I did have to go to the dollar store, so I bought him a dollar toy.

I know that my dd is upset because she starts her house arrest on Tuesday.  But, I refuse to be at her beck and call.  She has been so wicked these last few days.  She brought this on herself.

I need to remind myself that she is not a rational person.  That she is projecting towards me these last few days.  And, I have been walking on eggshells around her.  I may be looking forward to her house arrest.  I may have to misplace my phone, often.

Oh, qcr, I wish you peace!  

 

peaceplease

peace to all granma's struggling with dd's and BPD and themselves.

radical acceptance, no judgements and keep eyes on the long term goals.

Cheers,

Vivek