BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

My pwBPD and I have not spoken in over five months.  At first, this surprised me, but after the first three weeks of no contact FROM him and ME not contacting him - I knew it was done and that our friendship was over.  I've read a lot on this board and I know that only three weeks NC is small potatoes but I just knew it.  He'd never gone that long not speaking to me before.  And I... .  I had always attempted to contact him.

So now here we are five months later.  I find the aspect of borderlines recycling people confusing.  So, I just want to throw this thought out there.

Would you agree that borderlines recycle people for these two reasons:

1.  They still have use for the non.

2.  The non still 'believes' in or hasn't truly 'discovered' all that they are dealing with.

My therapist said that borderlines like to have little collections of people and from reading here, I know that to be true.

But I believe that my friend will never contact me because he doesn't have a reason for me anymore and I know what he is about and he knows I know.  So, I am probably out of the woods then, yes?

Your thoughts?

I have the same situation. My X is pregnant and with my replacement so I highly doubt I will ever hear from her again. The same as for you, all communication before I stopped was me to her (my need to understand.) I have also told her that I know who and what she is so there would be no way she could recycle me. All the better though, nothing good came from our time together and most certainly nothing good would come from any recycle attempts. Some things are better left dead and buried.

Same thing for me.

And I actually opened her eyes to that she have BPD. She accepted it right away and even seemed relived.

I offered her my help and she desperatly and greatfully grabbed it, for a few days.

Then she went back into denial... .  

And when I got tired of trying to help someone who didn't want it I finally stopped, and I called her out on her lies and her cheating.

Then she just raged, painted me black, slandered me to everyone and discarded me like I was nothing.

Without even an explanation or even an "I'm sorry"... .  

She just went on with other guys, and I haven't heard a word from her since, three months ago.

So I guess everyone doesn't get recycled.

Maybe we were painted too black, or maybe it's because we know too much.

Doesn't matter, we are probably very lucky... .  

No I don't think everyone does. There is a lot on these boards about "they" and "them" as if "they" are somehow robots who all have the same behaviors and every situation is the same, obviously they aren't. Relationships are all different with different dynamics etc. For my ex, she has moved on to a new man, is having a kid, has a new family because of the child and really will never have a NEED for me again, which I think is a big part of recycling. It helps me knowing that I am not the only one... .  a long line (probably many more that I do not know about) of guys that have been in and out of her life so I don't take it personally.

As for lucky, I couldn’t agree more. I had my days when I was sitting in my apartment alone wishing for everything to be the way it was before, to get her back. But even during my darkest moments logic didn’t fail me. Since my ex replaced me by cheating I started to think about the reality of what I wanted back. If by some miracle she showed up at my door, what then? She wasn’t even admitting to cheating at that point so how was trust ever going to be restored? That and a thousand other things that would need to be fixed… and then it hits you, why would I want to be in a relationship that needs so much fixing?   

Well... .  five months isn't a very long time. I still get contacted after eleven years. When something happens in your friend's life that he cannot handle, he may feel that you can, and will, fill that need.  

However... .  we are "out of the woods" when we have healed to the point where contact or a recycle attempt isn't something that scares us or makes us feel vulnerable.




This is an important distinction.  We all come to the boards looking through the glasses of OUR experiences and in the beginning, as we're reading so many stories that sound so familiar, we start to think that every single thing applies to every single person.  It doesn't.  Every situation is different.




So true.  And why be in a relationship that CANNOT be fixed.

turtle

I don’t know if you are out of the ‘woods’ so to speak. Sheepdog I’m a little confused by your post.

What is it you want from your friend? What would you do in these scenarios?

1. He called you and you recognize his number – would you answer it? If you did – what would you say? If you didn’t – how would you feel?

2. He called you, you didn’t recognize his number and you answered it – what you do/say and how do you think you would feel deep down?

3. He doesn’t ever call you again?

I had told him years ago that I thought he may have this, back when I really knew nothing about it.  But no, that isn't what happened here.  We didn't end because I told him that I saw through him... .  I think that was something that he felt.



Hi Thyrsos, I didn't mean to imply or lump all borderlines together.  However, my therapist contstantly tells me that this and this and this are part of the pathology.  Just like us nons - we're not all the same but I bet we have similarities as to why we stayed in an unsafe environment.


Hi Turtle, I loved what you wrote above:  "However... .  we are "out of the woods" when we have healed to the point where contact or a recycle attempt isn't something that scares us or makes us feel vulnerable."  It really struck me.

As far as lumping together, please read my response above to Thyrsos.

And, I honestly was not asking with this question for feedback on whether to have him in my life again.  I was just curious as to why some are recycled and some are not and was just throwing a theory out there.


Hi Clearmind.  I don't want anything from my friend.

It was a question that my therapist brought to me.  He lives about 7 minutes away from me and I have NEVER run into him.  It made me feel kind of good.  But then she asked me what I would do if I did and that I better have a plan.

Also, someone very close to me passed away three weeks ago and he knew I loved her so very much so I didn't know if he would contact me.  And he did not but my therapist said he may have as it would be a way for him to 'get back in.'  As he didn't contact me, I think now I won't be contacted.

Hi sheepdog, I'm a sheepdog too.

I think you mixed up what I wrote with what someone else wrote.

I agree that they have a pattern.

And I also hear all the time that us nons get recycled. But I don't think I ever will be.

ExBPD painted me too black, and she had no need for me anymore. I'm too uncomfortable to exist in her world, since she has got everybody else fooled.

She knows that I know, and she told me that no one ever questioned her like I did.

She lies to and cheats the whole world and said that no one ever got as close as I did.

I saw through her, and she can't stand that.

Hurts like hell somedays, not to be able to bee with her and help her. I know how she suffers.

But to be with her would cost me my own sanity, and I won't stand for lying and cheating.

So, that's why I feel kind of lucky she won't recycle me.

I feel lucky, too.

Clearmind asked me some really good questions that I have been mulling over.

Have you thought of those questions and feel at peace with them?

My exBPDgf assaulted her ex girlfriend was arrested twice and ran back to her on many occasions she painted her pretty black. she attacked me and i pushed her of me she called the cops i got arrested she smeared me all over town when all i wanted her away from me she painted me black and she gone but here track record i don't think for good and i figured her out early when she was raging on me i told her WHO THE F*** WOULD WANT TO BE WITH HER" after a night of confusion and her belittling me  She is gone but she is so dysfunctional who knows every case is different and we cant predict an unpredictable person NC is for you not them.

and she almost lost her kids when she arrested all those times and still ran back to her ex so it depends the recycle to capture you and those feelings you had for them to get that control again to have some control of them

Hey Sheepdog

Yes - I would say you're in the clear

From what I now understand BPD to be, their focus on self means that we are largely out of the picture when supply and especially romantic supply has been replaced, then their link to us is tenuous at best. Memories fleeting.

Adding to this is the fact that there must be a 'use' for us. They do not maintain r/s for reasons like affinity, or thinking we are nice people. There must be a use... .  a reason to call.

The only exception to this is when the Primary / Secondary supply lines are blurred.

Strangely, a romantic r/ship is actually secondary supply. Only sourced when primary is running low (family, friends etc.)

So if your ex can not get the validation he needs from regular, non-sexual, day-to-day sources of supply, you might get a call. But at this time he will go to his "collection" so you may not necessarily be the first point of call.

Have said all of this, if he knows the jig is up and that you are onto him and his illness... .  his false self... .  then you will not be contacted.

I am NC for 12 months but still wonder how my exBPD's mind works... .  and where he has me in his estimations.

In my gut though, I know he does not think of me at all. A year is a long time in the mind of an emotional toddler. They live too much in the moment, so we are a long, long time ago very quickly.

BB12

How sad but very true BB12. And because this is how they react when a r/s breaks down, this is how they expect everyone else to react. My ex couldnt get her head round it when my friend told her 3 months after we'd split that i was still hurting. She looked at him in complete disbelief!

The longer you stay NC from your pwBPD the clearer it becomes how warped and distorted their thinking is. Its a long drawn out process but its a neccessity in our healing.

Just to give one more example of just how quickly things change. Mine, had setup a replacement, I had caught her and was planning on moving out. While I was planning the steps to move out she mentioned that maybe we could be room mates so that I didn't have to move out. This is the same woman that had told me she loved me just days earlier... .  now I was nothing but room mate material to her. When they flip the switch about how they feel it happens real real quick.

It seemed to happen overnight for me when i was painted black but was it really that abrupt? I think she'd been detatching from me for 3 or 4 weeks before the final break-up but it was all below the surface so i had no idea we were nearing the end!

Oh for me there was no question that it was in HER mind long before I knew about it. As part of my "catching" her I found out she had a little and quite silly 3 day facebook-email fling a couple months before the final replacement happened. The funny part of it was that the "I love you's" were still flowing all during that time. Now certainly the "I love You's" weren't real, not the way most would define love, but I still wonder today if in HER mind she meant those or whether they were just place holders to keep the peace. Or maybe she says "I love you" to people the same way you and I would say hello, because she has no real understanding of what love is.

Thank you everyone.

Looks like there are mixed opinions.

At six months, I'm banking on being in the clear... .      

You can't know for sure. You can run into your ex. She might be reminded of you during a down time. She might go through a rough patch and reach out to you. Their lives can be quite chaotic. It is usually need based on their end on how they will respond. I have had several periods of communication with my ex. When she is doing well she hates my guts. When she is having problems she is nicer to me. When she fell apart she loved me again and tried to recycle me. I was in a position to know what was going on at the time so I didn't answer the call. You can't control her. You can only control you.  :light:

Sounds just about right. I no longer get angry at the situation. It's quite funny now if you ask me. The other day she caught an attitude because I ignored her 3x's. But, per her request she ask that we not talk about anything ever again. I'm sure I'm currently painted black again. But at this point in my acceptance stage I no longer care. *shrugs*

sheepdog  

I haven't been "in the clear" for eleven years.  

The fact that he still attempts contact used to really get to me.  Now... .  I am at a place in my own inner self where he can try if he wants, but that just doesn't affect me anymore.  My life goes on either way.  I go on about my business just the same.

He is a violent man, so there are certain precautions that will always exist for me... .  but I have finally made peace with that too.

You will "be in the clear" - not when you don't hear from him anymore, but when it just doesn't matter if you do or don't.  You'll get there!

turtle

Hey turtle,

Doe he still try to contact you even after 11 years? Even if you do ignore him?

Just curious.

Not really sure if I have understood if the question is about NC or about recycling, and didnt read all the posts either 't sorry if my response seems unrelated.

When it comes to NC sometimes it is just a way for them to leave the r/s. Many pwBPD don't feel the need to let you know they no longer want to be with you, because basically they lack when it comes to understanding and considering the needs of others, especially those that are the closest to them. My ex would often give me silent treatment as punishment for something. Sometimes he would break up with me but be flabbergasted when I took that to mean he broke up with me. He would just come back to the r/s as if nothing had happened. But 2 years ago when he wanted out he just went from being sweet and loving to refusing any type of contact at all and be furious that this wasn't enough for me. He had no wish to ever see me again. We did get back together after 7 months though but that was nothing that he had planned or ever even thought of.

So with that in mind I am not sure they deliberately keep collections of people for when they need them. I don't think they plan to recycle anybody per say. But as their emotions keep shifting back and forth they may paint somebody black, be decided to never have anything more to do with them and a few months down line feel completely differently towards that person. Not all BPDs recycle either.

Yes... .  ricky rick.  He still leaves ridiculous messages on my work v/m -- sometimes, they're nasty, sometimes they're nice.  This has gone on for years!

Right around the first of the year, he actually called during business hours and I just happened to answer the phone.  Anyway... .  this was the first time I'd actually spoken to him in many, many, many years.  And I can tell you that after eleven years, NOTHING has changed for him. NOTHING.  He is just as unstable as he was eleven years ago.

turtle

Turtle,

Im Shocked! I mean, its gotta be tough in a sense. Its almost like harassment. Guess I have someting to look forward to for the rest of my life. LOL!

Well... .  he stalked me for a very long time.  Tried to have him prosecuted for it, but they could never find him. 

And no... .  I don't think you have to look forward to it for the rest of your life. Eventually, it just becomes like an unwanted sales call during dinner.  It interrupts you VERY briefly, but then you just get back to enjoying your pizza  :)

Turtle,

LoL! you have a great personality. You made me laugh. Im just looking at it from a perspective of that you can never predict crazy. I dont put all BPD to this catigory, Just mine.

Yikes turtle!  He is definitely stalking you!

But I don't feel I have to worry because there have been NO attempts.  He hasn't bugged or contacted me once.

Obviously I can't speak for all of them, but I will say that my ex did/does deliberately keep collections of people, and in a crisis (when all of her current "people" have been painted black or driven off or failed her or whatever), will deliberately seek new ones out for her collection, or go back to old ones if she thinks they'll respond.

Also not speaking for the pwBPD, but in my experience:

My fwBPD had a bunch of friends they circled and cycled through.  If something went poorly with one, they moved on to the other and in the process spent some time badmouthing the previous friend and blaming them for X, Y, and Z.  If, for some reason, they ran dry in terms of having people who would give their sympathy and listen to the badmouthing and agree that yes, those people were horrible, they would cycle back to the very people they had just decreed unfit for friendship.

At the earlier stages of my friendship, being that we didn't fully share the same social circles and being that I disliked poking my nose where it didn't belong, I more or less took my friend's commentary about their friends at face value.

It wasn't until it was my turn to be the one cycled through and their friends (mutual friends and otherwise) got in touch with me that I realized that they were badmouthing me in the same manner while at the same time doing the whole, "You're a monster!" bit to me directly.

After a while, their 'friends' concluded the same that I did and initiated NC (I had already been NC for a few months, maybe almost a year)... .  and wouldn't you know that that was exactly when they chose to come back to me.

"Though I hate you, please come BAAACK!" to a T and to this date, years later, they still chase after me and still stalk me.

So yes.  In my experience, cycling and recycling.

Unfortunately, this makes it very difficult to break - fully and absolutely break any and all cycles of stalking if the BPD person gets into such a mode.

Where actions can be punished, the stalking mentality itself can't be unless the pwBPD is self-aware and is willing to work through things.

This x1000! This was always one of the most difficult things for me to try to reconcile - I knew she was capable of smearing people in terrible ways, was outright stunned at the things she would say about her "friends"... .  and yet, when I had asked if she did the same about me behind my back, would say, "No, never!" BS. I've always operated under the assumption that if someone can treat one person a certain way, they can do it to everyone. And that proved true in the end. Live and learn! Thinking you're special and immune to their behaviors is an easy trap to fall into.

It seems obvious that there's no cohesive predictor of when an ex (disordered or not) may reappear. The only "in the clear" is determined by when we, ourselves, are healed and strong enough to resist any temptation.

I'll have to get back to you on how long that takes.

In my experience my fwBPD did everything they could to put me on a shining pedestal of perfection... .  even though I wanted nothing to do with it and spent time to address the issue of 'perfection'.

In the end, I guess I bought into it, too, to a degree, as I was beyond confused and when all the accusations started flying.  According to all of our conversations, not once had they ever mentioned or gave indication that I had ever done anything or said anything hurtful to them.

But at the end when I finally put my foot down and refused to put up with their antics anymore, I went from being the best friend in the world to being the worst friend in the world who deserved nothing worse than THE worst of misery for the rest of my life, etc, etc, etc ad nauseum.

My reputation amongst various social circles was shot, I became stalked, and everything they did that hurt me - and things done specifically TO hurt me - all added up to what I thought was blatantly obvious:  "I HATE YOU."

Okay, well... .  Then why in the world would someone who HATES me THAT MUCH come back again?

So yeap.  NC for them definitely does not equal to NC for me.

Even more rich is the fact that when they attempted to re-enter my life, they brushed everything aside - or tried to - and acted like nothing had ever happened while at the same time exuding the kicked puppy sort of air. 

But even during my darkest moments logic didn’t fail me. Since my ex replaced me by cheating I started to think about the reality of what I wanted back. If by some miracle she showed up at my door, what then? She wasn’t even admitting to cheating at that point so how was trust ever going to be restored? That and a thousand other things that would need to be fixed… and then it hits you, why would I want to be in a relationship that needs so much fixing?

Yes good ole LOGIC saved my sanity. She was a very sweet girl, but her alter ego (personality disorder) kept messing up the relationship. Watching her battle like Jekyll and Hyde hurt my soul. But, I can and no longer will play the pity party game. Like seeking balance said... .  my emotions should come first from now on. Now I yearn for a healthy relationship more than ever.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all of the comments. 

It may sound as though I am being naive.  Maybe so.

But I really don't think I will ever hear from him again.  The difference between me and the stories I've heard here is that there has been literally NO contact for over 6 months.  No anger.  No accusations.  No emails.  No texts.  Nothing.  He has not attempted.  I have not attempted.  I think that says a lot. 

I don't know what he has painted me, how he sees me, if he is smearing me.  I have no idea.  I suspect the smearing is happening but we never see each other, even though he lives 7 minutes away.  I am no longer friends with out mutual friends.

One of our mutual friends still (still his, no longer mine) still works with me.  Recently, my grandmother passed away and then my uncle.  They both knew how close I was to them, especially my grandmother.  I don't know if she told him she passed away.  But if she did, that would have been the perfect opening for him to try to get back in. 

But since it's more like I and he have disappeared off the face of the earth, I really don't think it is going to happen.

Sheepdog I hope you are never contacted.  Let us know if you ever are and if you are bothered by it.  I'm in a similar state.  I was contacted after the first breakup and it had been 5-1/2 months without hearing from the exBPD, but we subsequently remained in contact for over a year, steadily going downhill until I initiated this most recent breakup about 2 months ago.  After months of stuffing down my feelings I exploded and was very nasty to exBPD and feel as you do that it is truly over.

Just be prepared for the fact that time with no contact in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean anything... .  I've been contacted (attacked verbally) out of the blue after 2 years of NC. There were a number of times when I thought it was completely over and that I would never hear from her again, and she proved me wrong each time.

susanleona and mosaicbird - thank you! 

Why would they contact out of the blue and STILL be annoyed or attacking?  Is it because their other relationship fell apart?

I mean, to hear NOTHING and they get attacked after two years - why?  I would think they would attack the one they were with at the time, not two years prior?

So confusing!

When crazyx contacted me after 11 years of not seeing him, I asked him this very question.

I asked "WHY rage at ME - I don't know you anymore and you don't know me anymore, so why?"

His answer:  "I dunno... .  You're the one person I should be able to speak to that way."

Sigh.  So clearly, in his twisted reality, I am, and will always be, a target for his rage.

During these past 11 years, he has called my work after hours and left many hateful or nice messages on my v/m.  There have been YEARS in between messages, but another message ALWAYS comes.

I am certain I am not the ONLY target, but in his chaotic mind,  I'm a convenient one.   

Wow turtle... .  wow... .  

May I ask, when he contacts you, do you respond?

No.  Although before I came here (5 years after the fact,) I didn't handle NC very well.  He would rattle me and I respond.

Once I came here, I got it.  NO CONTACT -- ALWAYS --- EVERY DAY -- ALL DAY!  And I've done this for 6 years.

Anyway... .  the only reason I spoke with him this time was that he snipered me at work.  Here's the thread I posted about it, if you're interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192240.0

Bingo. Mine said I deserved it, to boot.

same thing here she said i caused it and how if i wanted respect you had to earn it. i thought that meant ill treat you any way because i dont respect you and until you prove me wrong ill never respect you because you dont respect me.

Wow, turtle!  That kind of shows how sick he is - the fact that even with FIVE YEARS of NC on your part, he still contacts you expecting you to respond... .