BPDFamily.com

Have ever gone back and reread your posts from like a year ago?  And if you have, does it... .  I don't know the word, scare you, repulse you, how virtually unrecognizable you are compared to how you were then?  Can you see the difference in yourself? 

Yet at the same time, seeing such vulnerability and confusion in yourself at the same time?

This is really hard, raw work trying to figure all of this out.  

Yes it can be both worrying and rewarding to see how far we have come!

Keep looking forward Sheepdog. It is hard and raw work, but it is Great that we are here doing it!

Love Blazing Star

I tend to take a progress check on myself every few months.  And this includes reading mymold posts.  Sometimes I have new insights or perspective that helps on a particular item.

Sure there is change.  This is a good thing.

I remember once during a Time of grief and thinking I had come a long way over a 6 month period.  Then 6 months after that I realized I wasn't nearly as far along as I thought I was at the time.  Pretty normal progression.

In addition to my old posts on the "undecided" board. I kept a electronic journal of her physical and emotional abuse on both me and the children.

The first time I had to condense it for my L it took me six hours.  23 single spaced typed 10 font pages of slaps, punches, beatings with phones, shoes, broom sticks.  Ordered to sleep in a car when it was 35 degrees inside.  She taking away my money, my bank cards.

Btw it took me 6 sessions to condense it for my L (he charges to read).  I was sicken by what my children and I suffered.

I have come a long way.  I am stronger and more optimistic about my life and my future.

I've gone back and read my old posts several times.  Although reading close to 5,000 posts is tedious!

Even so... .  it amazes me how much I endured, how angry I was, how depressed I was, and more importantly, how far I've come!


Me too!

turtle

yes, I have gone back and read a few times over the years.

I think the biggest change in myself is my ability to accept reality versus wishing things could be different.  I don't focus so much on what happened, was it BPD, etc as much as my process.  The pain back then was real and it did disapate.  I have my moments of sadness still, but further apart and usually something triggers it. 

Today, I have dated, but no real new relationship.  I am cautious and not as blindly hopeful as I was before my BPD.  I know my boundaries and better at enforcing them even when it might not feel easy. 

Hi Sheepdog 

I haven't seen you in a while!  Yes. Even though I know I'm progressing along great I re read my posts and my journal to remind of the harsh reality of my relationship and post relationship antics.

I have had a few weeks I haven't checked the boards. In the beginning I had to check every few hours just to get support.

I hope you are doing well! 

 :)

sheepdog!

Yes. I am amazed at how frustrated I was, how hurt and angry and confused.

What I had to put up with in my own home where I should have been safe and secure, but was scared and bewildered.

I tried so hard for so long. Too long.

I didn't understand or really comprehend the extent of the disease that my stbxBPDh suffered under, the delusions, the distorted beliefs, the projection. Knowing about it intellectually was a far cry from being able to detach from the words and the behavior.

Now, At over 2 months out of the r/s with very limited contact I am finally relaxing.

My mind is able to see the behavior and separate it from the person-much as you might an unruly petulant child.

I don't hate him. Far from it. I love the part of him that I fell in love with. He's not evil, but he's deeply troubled. That guy is not able to maintain a stable r/s with anyone. I feel badly that while I am working on understanding and easing my pain, he is just as diligently rehashing and reviving his. It's a sad and vicious cycle with out treatment. Still, practicing compassion never hurts.

GL

Somehow after today's settlement conference I feel violated all over again.

That worthless abuser is soaking me for the rest of her life.  I worked, she slept, I fed the children she watched TV, I cleaned the house and dealt with the teachers, I did her f'in nails.

The kids especially my S22 hates her more than me.  He saw the abuse and thinks she deserves nothing.

Forestaken ,

I feel you man.

I am so sorry that the settlement made you feel worse, and not a little better.

Just think though-she is not  normal although she may look and act convincingly so. She's not "an abuser" by choice, although it appears that way.

Mental illness provides it's sufferers with some or even most faculties, but not the full toolbox-so to speak. So her illness controls her logic, emotions and her actions, and makes the irrational seem plausible-TO HER.

So if she feels  bad, sad, mad ... .  she looks for an outlet to vent her pain, frustration, angst, depression onto; being unable and ill equipped to HANDLE her own emotions capably.  Upon dumping the emotion onto you-by any means possible- she "feels" better-until the next feeling trips her up, and she has to find a way to vent off that feeling.

Her getting a reaction outta you is almost as cathartic as IF she FELT it herself.

It sucks BAD. But I have seen it, watched it and lived it with my UBPDh.

It's like an emotional board game for them with no start and no win at the end-they just stay on the board and keep taking turns, moving around, interacting and moving on.

We, on the other hand can make sense of what we feel, why we feel it, what happens when A meets B... .  and so on.

We have the capacity and abilities to learn, grow, mature, change, COPE. they have limited coping skills, at best.

Spend time with your kids, Live your life. Love and be Loved. Don't spend a second loathing a person for what they cannot help being.  Don't let your ex take space in your head. I know it's hard as heck.

I'm there too.

GL

Thank you so much, everyone.

However, I don't seem to be where you are.

I am over five months NC.  And I am just... .  ashamed.  Of how I acted, how I was with him, who I became.  What I allowed.  I am so embarrassed.  For example, he got upset one day, whipped off his glasses, and began punching the wall next to my head, blood running down his hand.  I left.  But *I* was the one that contacted *him* after.  Who the hell does that?  What makes someone think that is a good idea?  I can't get it all sorted out.

My therapist said I am very judgemental... .  of myself.  Maybe this is what she means?

I don't know.

I just feel like a sucker when i read the old posts, feel like, "What the HELL were you thinking, sheepdog?" but at the same time, I just want to wrap that girl up and protect her.

I know I'm not making any sense.

Just been one of those months... .  

I haven't gone back all that many posts, but every now and then I'll get notification that there is a new reply on a thread that's a year old. I'll read what I posted then, and I can see the change.

Mostly I can see how raw I was, and how much I was committed to staying (I was in a holding pattern when I joined here- I had been dumped, but was expecting to reunite).

I can see also that NC has helped, and time has tempered the strong emotions.  I can see that my emotions, given the trauma, were completely normal. I can see that I'm not crazy (which I believed a year and a half ago).

The other thing I notice is, that I have changed.

I am more sensitive to certain things than I once was.  I can feel my own emotions spin up in situations (not just in the relationship but at work or other places) on issues that at one point would not have bothered me.  I have caught myself reacting in negative ways in situations where at one point I would have been able to handle extremely well.

The relationship has changed me (even once I got past crisis mode).  And in many ways not for the better.  My own work going forward... .  

Thank you, Mauser and yeeter.

Mauser, I often feel like I'm going crazy... .  not that I am, just that I am going to be if I can't get all this sorted out.   

yeeter, I feel that sensitivity, too!  I used to let things roll of my back but now... .  yeah, something I am working on, too.

I can't forgive myself.  For letting myself down.

I haven't felt like a sucker in a while but I am feeling it this month.

I just took a look at my first three threads when I showed up here... .  thirteen months ago to the day. Since then I've been here a lot some months and away from the boards others.

This was my first real time to remember what I said and what I felt back then. Perhaps I'll look back at old journals next.

I think I started to help myself (and found this forum) just in time--My marriage was getting more emotionally abusive, and my wife had been projecting blame for everything that was hurting her onto me. I was just starting to really wonder if she was right, and I was doing it all wrong... .  I think in a few more years I would have started to really believe that, and gone into a deeply codependent beaten down exhausted frantic state... .  I've seen many new members show up here like that.

So what I see in my first posts was a touch of the raw pain... .  and the beginning of a learning curve I jumped onto with both feet and climbed as fast as I could... .  along with fear ignorance and uncertainty.

But the person I see doesn't look that different than me. I don't wonder who the heck that guy was, although I do wish he had put his foot down a bit earlier on some stuff. Maybe next year I'll say something else about it. :)

I "learned" stuff quickly... .  I just couldn't always do it even though I knew better. Still can't, but at least that has been improving in fits and starts.

I took a look at my past posts after coming acorss this thread.  It was something I did when I frequently visited the site. 

The way I feel towards them now, isn't the way I felt towards them a year ago, two years before that or initially when I wrote them.  A few months or years from now you will have different feelings towards this very thread.  Feelings are incredibly important part of ourselves but they are fleeting for the most part.  They are a snapshot of a moment, they do not define who we are or have been. 

But part of your work going forward, IS forgiving yourself.  So ya, you made some mistakes... .  This means you are human.  Now, put them behind you and make the best decisions you know how going forward.

Learning how to do this will serve you well in a number of areas in life.

Hi Sheepdog

You cared about him- he punched the wall until his hand bled- that's not an easy situation to turn your back on. I'd have called too. Just because people abuse doesn't mean they aren't in deep emotional distress and we can just turn away. There's nothing wrong in caring.

It's easy to swing too much of the blame onto ourselves, it's easy to swing it all back on you. It's not that black and white. I think an easier way is to accept that you loved him and he loved you. That you are working on why you fell in love with someone who couldn't love you back properly and all of that is absolutely OK. 

I agree with Maria, I'd have called a loved one if they punched a wall like you described. In fact, I probably still would today, but my reasons for doing do, and my expectations, would be different then they were when I was knee deep in a mired, toxic relationship. The mistakes I made in my relationship were painful, but they were the grist for the mill in a growth process. We are not Perfect... .  we make mistakes. We are human. Be gentle with yourself.

Geez it would be hard to watch somebody injure themself that badly. I did see milder versions of it in my spouse and it was always terrible to watch. In my case, I often tried to restrain her which (I think) helped things work out better for the most part.

But forgiveness is the important thing, especially forgiving yourself. Here's an idea for you, sheepdog:

If you look back at something like that which you regret doing... .  think about why you did it. I bet it was for a good reason, like (in this case) loving someone and caring about them and their well-being. That concern is a very good thing; be glad that you had it. But now you know that that (good and valid) concern you had brought you to take an action which you regret. Be thankful that you have now learned that those actions don't help in the end. There are many situations where it is REALLY HARD to figure out the right thing to do. So don't expect yourself to always get it 100% right on the first try.

Just try to be gentle with yourself. 

I've bee posting for 2 & 1/2 years and reading for several months before that.  What a journey!

My first post was when BPDh, now xh, picked up DD at a church function and left the state on our 17th anniversary.  It turned out to be the nicest thing the man ever did for me.  I am one of the few who didn't boohoo, I want him back.  Through the divorce proceedings he continued to display his true nature to the judge, the lies, visciousness and whackness were obvious.  I without an attorney, got custody of DD, the farm, all the vehicles and enough child support and spousal maintenance to cover expenses.  The judge also let him know messing with me would be very painful!

Both DD and I have been in weekly therapy since he left.  I have continued to read and post here.   Moving beyond HOW to deal with BPDxh (NC) into WHY I ended up in the relationship, WHY I stayed, HOW I can prevent it from happening again and for once acheive true healing in my life... .  Deal with the FOO.  Very painful issues kept blowing up in my face.  They didn't like my new boundaries.  I am No/Low Contact with my entire family except DD.

Learning to trust again is most difficult.  Making new friends is slow.  Being in total awe when I ask a favor and hearing "Yes, of course," without anyone getting nasty or setting a hook.  This is all new in my life.

And my 2 year relationship with a man who was WOW at first sight for both of us.  It's been terrifying for both of us.  It began when we were both in bad places.  Our own fears and insecurities caused us both to do hurtful things.  Of course I suspected BPD, they're everywhere!  Not BPD, he is also the victim of abuse and still the favorite target of his mother.  That was the recognition we had in each other.  The intensity is often too much.  Pull back, detach, explore and question.  This man did gave me something no man, not even my own dad ever gave me.   He protected me and continues to protect from his mother from the very first time she went hagnasty on me.   When my own mother does this, my dad yells at me to suck it up and take it.  NO, not anymore.  I am strong enough to protect him now when he needs it.

We've grown through a lot, Trust and Respect.  To CHOOSE to trust each other even when things are waunky, we've proven to each other we are Safe People.  We've gotten through each other's defenses. To have someone who values me, who cares, who remembers.  Someone who doesn't use my vulnerabilities as weapons is all I've ever wanted, yet it's been so elusive my entire life until now.

I'll continue to be here.  I still have a long way to go rebuilding my life and a life for DD.  I still do not have adequate employment, I still feel socially stigmatized.   Some of my coping mechanisms and survival skills are no longer appropriate or helpful to me.  That is where I will be working on myself.

Maybe I didn't explain it right.

When he punched the wall, he was (obviously) dysregulated.  He was angry at ME.  He was screaming, "You need to leave now!  You need to leave now!"  And punched the wall 2 or 3 times until his hand bled and I left as fast as I could.

Then, like a complete moron, I went back after ten minutes and was so worried about him and how far gone he seemed.  And I rang his doorbell and kincoked for like five minutes straight like a freaking idiot.  Who does that?

I thought I was way past this but what he thinks bothers me.  I don't want to be thought of as a sucker or a doormat but damn, that is what I turned into and I HATE that he can be cocky and look back and thing, "What an idiot sheepdog was.  I scream in her face, punch the wall, tell her to f off and she comes back and knocks on my door.  And then invites me to coffee!"



And Rubies - a lot you posted resonated with me, especially this:


I basically think I am the biggest mound of merde ever created.  I feel like people who want to be with me must have an agenda.

This is hard.

  feeling for you sheepdog


We have all done things that seem crazy and stupid. But the circumstances were pretty crazy and stupid too.

Part of the healing is having lots of compassion for yourself, forgiving yourself for being in those situations, and for doing those things.

How would it feel to take some deep long slow breaths of self compassion everyday, or everytime you think of these things? And perhaps adding a mantra to combat the not so compassionate self-talk "I breathe in self compassion, and I breathe out and forgive myself?

What are your thoughts?

Love Blazing Star

Blazing Star - it sounds wonderful.

I just wish I knew how to do it... .  

Comapssion for myself is something that I severely lack.

Just saying something like that (to yourself, silently or out loud) does help as a practice. It may feel kinda hokey at first, but give it a shot. What do you have to lose? (except some of the beating up on yourself :) )

Hi Grey Kitty - I don't find it hokey at all.  I've developed a practice where I drink green tea and read inspiration/spiritual things for about 15 minutes a day... .  my own private time.  It does help. 

But, the beating myself up - that is kind of my shtick.   

I don't feel as though I deserve happiness or anything else.

You know... .  I have trouble with the use of the word 'deserve'

I see it used so much.  I deserve this.  I deserve that.  You deserve such and such.

Im not sure what it is about it that triggers a negative reaction every time I hear it.  So I try a different thought pattern... .  

I dont 'deserve' anything.  Positive or negative.  That doesn't mean I won't 'get' it.  But it is in no way tied to my own perceived self worth.  Same for others... .  Nobody 'deserves' a certain thing.  It may be a consequence though.

Personally, I would just ban that word from your vocabulary.

I think this is great!

Thanks Yeeter!

turtle

Yeeter, thanks for that reminder. I am soo with you on how the word "deserve" is pretty much damaging whenever it is used. (I heard it a lot from my wife. I am lucky that my internal voice doesn't say it much)

Sheepdog, just keep working on it. I wish you peace and comfort. And I wish you freedom for believing that you do or don't deserve it.

I've found that mindfulness meditation is a very good practice for me, and it balances well with spiritual/inspirational readings.

Yes yes yes!  omg my therapist kept telling me that I "deserved" to be happy and I needed to believe it but it made me feel ill at ease.  Thank you! 

I love the green tea reading time! Sounds like it would be a perfect time to add three, just three breaths of self compassion in at the end of this time. Or perhaps find some inspirational and spiritual books to read around the topic of self-forgiveness and self-compassion! Could you search those terms on your local library catalogue and see what comes up?

yeeter - I get what you are saying but when that is what has been in your brain for several decades - that's kind of what you know.

Blazing Star - I will try.

Great! Let us know how it goes!

Love Blazing Star

|iiii Noticing that you are stuck is a start. 

Indeed! Old habits are hard to break.  But part of the journey, and doing things differently will improve the odds that the outcome will be different.

Maybe - I am going to start another thread on just how bad it's in my head... .