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For the last 12 yrs I have pretty much ignored my own needs and focused on my partners needs and put him first. I have very much so concentrated on fixing him and doing what ever I have to, to prevent the anger from him.

Yesterday he stated to become moody and very critical. My normal reaction is defence to these outlandish accusations. However as we were talking I very much had in my head 'JADE' ... .  I was also stuck as the passenger in the car and couldn't leave. :)

The conversation had a much better outcome. He didn't escalate as much so we got to our destination with him no more tense than he was when we got in the car!

However today turned a little more sour. He had the perception i was rushing him to do something, however it wasn't the case. I validated his feelings, I stupidly tried to explain it wasn't the case- which just feel on deaf ears... .  

I tried to disengage and leave. However he followed me... In the end I nicely said stop, he tried to continue and I said stop again. He got more angry and I said 'stop and please don't talk to me like that'. I left the room and he didn't follow. Within 30mins he was talking to me normally again. I said it calmly the whole time!

I know I didn't do both the most effective, but I tried to implement some of the strategies and the outcome was a lot better and I enforced some small boundaries, which before the last week I had absolutely NO boundaries in place with him

That's awesome! It's a great feeling when we see just how well the tools work, isn't it?

That's wonderful, Aundrea!  |iiii

I, too, am keeping in mind JADE, and it's making a big difference!

i've had some success lately too. it felt great! we were arguing over something (i never can remember) and  of course it was my fault. i did remember JADE, and tried to use SET. it was a situation i had trouble with set. i couldn't support or empathize with him in that moment. i thought that what he was whining about was ridiculous. but i didn't JADE, and it passed. it's always a work in progress.

 |iiii

The tools do work!

Well done, and thanks for sharing!

oh thank you! I'm not the only one! Once we argue over something - which of course involves him belittling me, blaming all his woes on me and then telling me I don't listen hahahah - I can never remember either. It takes some time to think back and actually try to remember what it was about. I questioned if it was just me being insensitive and not 'listening' as he tells me. :P. but I also wondered if it was also my defence mechanism to disengage and disassociate to protect myself ... .  I am still unsure of which, but it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one that responds that way... .  

The 'discussion' in the car revolved around me mentally checking out when he is talking to me. A lot of the time he will spend hours, and I mean hours, a cpl of times a day telling me something new he learnt. These are always times when I'm meant to be at work, housework, kids etc - it's like he purposely chooses these times, that he knows I am preoccupied, to start these long rants. It's as if its self sabotage to reinforce his emptiness as even I don't listen to him or take him seriously... .  But anyways I will check out mentally for a few minutes out of the 2 or 4 hr rants... .  But in his mind its continual and most of the time... .  

I don't know how to deal with this, as no one can expect someone to keep up their 100% attention for long periods. If I do it means ignoring the kids, dog, and the bomb going off in the front yard... .  

(I only remember this one as he rehashes it quite a few times a day! )

But small victories are very rewarding. It means I can improve things and have the power to do so! As I have felt so powerless for a long time.