BPDFamily.com

I don't know what's going on!

Since moving out last September, I have been doing *relatively well.  I've been seeing my therapist. I've been limiting contact only to necessary contact regarding our children and sharing custody.  I've been trying to distance myself emotionally. I've been trying to distract myself with work and friends.  I went on a vacation.  Things have been... .  well... .  okay. 

Even people that didn't know what I've been going through have commented how much happier and alive I have seemed lately.

Until yesterday.  Driving to work (about 40 minutes) I experienced happiness, loneliness, sadness, I cried, and last of all anger.  A LOT of anger.  I do normally get frustrated with bad drivers, but seriously I was about to commit vehicular homicide.  Stopped at a light being glared at by another driver because I had honked at him, I was ready to get out and beat him senseless right there on the spot - i actually had my seatbelt off and my door halfway open when the light turned and he drove off.  The thing is... .  that isn't who I am.  It scared me the amount of anger I felt.

Why?

I think things are catching up to me.  Pretty sure I never even started to think about starting to deal with what was happening in my life.  The sheer relief of being to walk on my carpet instead of those pesky eggshells was a godsend in and of itself.  I was essentially riding on a high of relief from the stress of being a 24/7 emotional caregiver.  Now I'm experiencing emotions that I don't know if I've ever experienced before.  I don't miss her and I don't miss the eggshells, but I grieve for my life, my family, my kids.  It's not fair!  I can't turn my emotions off like she can.

The other thing: she has a boyfriend.  After 14 years of marriage, she had a serious boyfriend within less than two months.  She is serious enough that today she told me that she's ready to introduce him to my boys.  I'm not okay with this, but there's also nothing I can do about it.  She's introducing him to them as a "friend".  My boys are young enough that they could never know anything different - they know that sometimes he stays the night but they have no idea what that means... .  

Don't know how to deal with these recent developments... .  :'(

-hopelessinseattle

Hi hopelessinseatle,

Anger is a normal part of the process. Check out this link... .  

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing;wap2

Stages of Abandonment

1: SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

2: WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

4: ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

5: LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

I found that I could marshal my anger to heal and reclaim myself.  I was outraged on my own behalf -- the wounds I'd taken, the abuse I'd suffered.  The anger became a ferocious form of self-love.

Anger is a good thing, because it shows your almost done with your 'stages' of recovery! :)

simply - feel it.

anger is necessary stage of grief ... .  be productive in feeling it (meaning don't take it out on someone else), but really lean into it.

I tend to write everything that I want to say, talk it through with someone who will let me vent, the go do physical workout - eventually the anger turns to sadness, cry and let it go... .  that tends to be my process.

Don't worry - being angry isn't bad, it is necessary.

Peace,

SB

Anger is a very important emotion and should never be suppressed. Suppressing your anger only allows it to fester inside you for longer! If theres one thing ive learned in reading all this BPD stuuf is how important it is to externalize your anger! Let it out. Write it even in a letter if you want. But dont send. Sadly, my BPD comes fro. A family where anger was considered 'bad' and was never allowed to be expressed and thus a contibuting factor in why he doesnt know how to express his feelings. His anger as a child and  teen was completely invalidated and he was made to feel as if there was something wrong with him for having angry feelings. Az such, he learned to supress it and has internallized all anger within himself which leads to great dysfunction.