BPDFamily.com

Does anyone here understand the loneliness experienced by a person with BPD?

Although I am mostly angry at how my ex brutally discarded me... and wiped me off... I also feel sorry for her on some level.

Few hours before she started projecting and blaming and then officially dumping me... she sobbed "I'm a lonely person. I was lonely before I met you".

I still don't understand what relevance this had at the time.

But I remember my ex was always saying she felt isolated... if she worked from home once a week. Her social calendar was always choc full. If she didn't see me one evening- she'd be seeing a friend or her parents... brother... cousin...

She never seemed to want one night "to herself".  I found this strange as I lived alone and am perfectly content being alone some evenings. Even working from home once a week sounds ideal to me! I'd love it!

I could never understand how my ex couldn't be alone for too long. And she lived on a busy main road... very noisy apartment but couldn't work for too long in there because it was "isolating". She had to go to a cafe where people were all around her.

She had so many close friends (triple amount as me)! And a huge extended close family who were loving and nurturing.

So when she told me she's a "lonely person"- I don't know what she means.

Anyone else have an ex who was lonely? Do you understand the loneliness/ isolation they feel?

Is it loneliness due to feeling alone in the mental illness?

If you want to understand what is going on inside a BPDs head, you need to either: a. Have BPD youself or b. Ask a pwBPD directly. Anything from a non is going to be secondhand information at best. There are other forums online where you can ask a pwBPD directly. Just keep in mind that you are going to be getting an answer from a severely mentally ill person, unless they have been sucessfully treated.

I had to give up trying to "understand" what was going on inside my BPDexgf's head. The logic is all twisted up with things that are beyond my understanding. Things like: you did what I told you to do, not what I secretly wanted so that proves you NEVER CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL! and 1+1= fish bicycle and I hate you! Etc.etc.

You are going to make youself mentally ill trying to sort out what is actually going on in your ex's head. Please, for your own sake stop trying this futile exercise!

There are other resources on this site that can help you start the process of detaching.

I don't want to know what's going on inside her head...

I don't know what really goes on inside anyone's heads!

I just want to understand this loneliness that is a part of BPD, as well as bipolar. Want to learn more about it... for my interest sakes too. I guess it feels foreign to me.

As I associate loneliness with not having many friends around. Someone who is a loner.

But my ex was so popular, so loved and care about. Had really good people around her.

Due to the ongoing complexity of emotions and thoughts in her head she is not capable of having normal emotional established relationships and therefore she can perceive herself as being lonely and put herself of... and while being in a group of friends where others (like you) think she is well treated for and think she has quite a few friends doesn't mean she sees it that way. A BPD person is unfortunately incapable of making a affectionate normal 'friendship' or 'relationship'. Therefore he or she considers loneliness different than us non-BPDers.

Hi Diana,

BPDs are lonely becauss they dont really have a sense ofSELF. Thats why they will allway be hollow and trying to fill that hole with others. Remember her words, something that her therapist told her. She cant look to other to make her happy. They constantly try to fill a hole because they dont have their own identity. They dont trully know who they are and so they lonely.

Some nons do know the reason behi nd what they do, thank goodness for those who study this disorder because with out questioning and diggi g for answers we will surely never find them. And surely wont be able to help them. Im thankful for those who study this, couselors, therapists, so they can help these people rather than live a hopeless existence that there are no answers.

I see...

My ex had a close bond with her best friend/flat mate... she was always telling me about their "special friendship".

But then, it felt like my ex was attached to him more than 'close'. She seemed to emotionally rely on him.

Same with her family... .  my ex always had told me she needs to be around her family for her "sanity" and she had separation anxiety as a kid.  We even spoke about moving interstate to live and she told me she felt "guilty" leaving her family.

I didn't see a closeness with her parents and her... rather, a weird attachment.

And then there's me.

My ex told me she's attached to me... more than she said she loves me.

Do you think this 'attachment' makes them feel lonely because it's not real love/bonding... rather, it's a reliance? So it's fuelled with distrust and anxiety that it's going to end...

thanks SummerT321... this is starting to make sense...

I feel sad for her *a little* even though I'm mostly angry.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I know now - when I was with my ex. I seem to be learning so much now about depression... BPD... disorders... sob stories...

I do have rescuing tendencies and it is not my job to fix her. But I may have understood this more and perhaps even been patient and more compassionate... known how to talk to her... to avoid triggers. Encourage her to seek therapy etc.

Instead, I was confused, suspicious and angry.  Hmmm I guess I do wonder what would have happened had I been armed with this knowledge back then. Maybe I would have run like the wind 

Yes, its not real love. Remember the old saying you cant love others unless you love yourself. If you have no self you have no love to give or receive.

You would not have been the only on. If someone gave me a BPD relationship summary, like how it normally goes in such a relationship I might not have run, but might have left after seeing the third  red-flag. Now I have seen 51412  red-flag s and i'm still, as of today still with my gf w BPD.

My mother is a BPD and her marriage to my dad ended in divorce, she pretty much left him. I've talked to my dad at length about what it was like and he said the hardest part for him was his desire for the companionship you would expect in a marriage but that she just shut him out emotionally. He said it was awful, lonely, empty, frustrating. But after some time and space from the divorce, dad realized she had been projecting her emotional state onto him. (Dads a psychologist of 35 years, pretty smart guy)

I've also struggled to overcome the feeling of responsibility for her happiness. But the best analogy my therapist gave me was it's like pouring water into a bucket with a hole. You can exhaust yourself trying to fill it, but you will never be able to. And it's not a short coming on your part, the bucket is broken!

So while I'll never understand first hand what my mother feels, I have realized that she thinks and feels differently than the rest of us. She also has a full social calendar and I think it's a coping mechanism. I think she subjectively understands she's "empty" inside,  but to confront those feelings is too threatening.

It's very sad to stand by, powerlessly, and watch a BPD suffer. But please remind yourself daily that it truly is not your fault. Just pray for her and try to move forward with your own life. I hope this helps!

Respect!  |iiii And also all the best to  your father. Being a psychologist and also married to a pwBPD.

Interesting question. If we knew before we got into the relationship what would it had been like? I think id had run! Which brings me back to why they dont tell us!

Because sometimes (most of the time) they didn't know. I wasnt told untill October 2012 of the possibility of my gf having BPD. This was already 13 months in the relationship and most harm was already done.

Your right harmkrakow, maybe mine didnt know! He knew there was something wrong. I know he knew that. But perhaps he didnt know he had BPD. Very true.

My ex was always saying how lonely she was - she seemed to have lots of friends and be loved, but no real close friends.

I used to find it bizarre how someone would be in a r/s with her "dream girl", love of her life, person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, yet would often tell me after a minor disagreement, "I'm just not good at relationships. I'm always meant to be unhappy and alone".

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, Diana.

My ex felt lonely and alone, and constantly persecuted. Yet she dumped me. The last time I saw her to get my stuff she was crying and brought up that she had no one, even her friends had picked a weekend to go away that she couldn't make it, so that everyone else could be there. Everyone had a weekend they couldn't make it, so they picked to go the weekend she couldn't make it. 

I pointed out... "well, you've got me, but you're pushing me away".

Makes no sense, except to them. She feels alone, and lonely, and will do anything to prove herself right. She's a victim, it's what's comfortable to her.

I so have to make a comment on this.

My gf w BPD went to move to another town, where she doesnt' know anybody! She shouted on the phone that if she threw herself out the window that no one would care. No one! She had no friends there and was afraid she would never make any friends there. However she kept saying she wanted to dump me ... and initiated no contact ... etc ... and then if we had contact ... she said how lonely she was.

I don't think my ex would ever think she could be BPD...

She admitted to suffering from ongoing depression throughout her life, though. She told me in her final year of high school she had to see the school counsellor for depression.

Then she said she saw one in her early 20s during her relationship with her first ex gf. Then she saw one (3 sessions) when she was with me... .  

She told me one day she couldn't wake up in the morning and was feeling depressed every day. And it was because she started thinking about the childhood bullying she experienced...

She had opened up to me about it and it had then triggered her to feeling depressed suddenly.

So she seemed to try to get help for depression. But only went for a couple of sessions here and there. There didn't seem to be a commitment to therapy.

Also once she told me "I'd never go on medication for any kind of depression-related stuff. It's not for me"

I started to think she may be more than just 'depressed'...

the isolation, loneliness, hypersensitivity, attachment to people, snappiness/defensiveness, playing the victim, inconsistent stories of abuse, panic attacks etc

... .  that's not just depression

seb> interesting about the self-fulfilling prophecy...

I guess I do wonder though, why she would reveal "i am a lonely person' right before dumping me.

It's like she was telling me who she really is... showing her true self very briefly and then GOOD BYE

It makes no sense, except to the disorder.

Your ex has no sense of self, so she constantly feels alone and isolated. She can only feel worthy if she has someone's good to mirror.  It's a horrible way to 'live'.  So, you were in the devaluing stage, your ex could no longer mirror your good, so she has to push you away to find a new supply to mirror. How she feels about you is how she feels about herself. 

If your ex was like mine, then she would have initially hailed you as this great saviour to rescue her from her lifetime of loneliness. Three months before I got dumped, my exgf made me a valentines card with a picture she'd found of this old couple, and wrote: 'this picture makes me so happy because I know I have finally found the one for me'.

Your ex wanted you to be this all-saving rescuer, but the moment you even slightly disappointed her (we all do, we're human after all) then you can no longer be relied upon to make her feel good about herself. It's black and white to pwBPD. If you're not all good you're all bad. And if you're bad then so is she. So, this person who once was the best thing since sliced bread, is now the worst. She's so upset, 'the one' has turned out not to be the one. And once again she feels lonely.

Your ex, and my ex, can't see that they don't have to be lonely. They could have us if they want us, but they don't want us anymore, not when we represent the bad that they've cast off on to us. They feel let down and disappointed. So the search goes on... .  to find the one who will not let them down, who will love them unconditionally.

It aint going to happen.  It's a terrible way to live. We can see the solution, but the disorder has warped every avenue. Nothing we can offer will save them from this nightmare. They are lonely, and will always be lonely. When my ex used to tell me that she was always meant to be unhappy and alone I couldn't work it out - how could she say this to her "dream girl" that she was completely in love with. It's simple. It was always there, beneath the surface and always will be.

They're victims, and will spend their lives in this role. They will spend a lifetime searching for 'the one' and true love, but at the same time will never allow themselves to find it. We can see what lies ahead for them and it's tragic. It makes no sense to us, but it does in the head of a disordered person.

Seb-

I liked the way you described it.

"They're victims, and will spend their lives in this role. They will spend a lifetime searching for 'the one' and true love, but at the same time will never allow themselves to find it."

I would edit victims to be "Victims" like in a movie credit "Victim #1: BnB's BPDex", because they are not real victims, they are just playing the role of one. Kind of like a real life "all the world is a stage."

The sad truth about my BPDex is that her role is "Victim", but the reality is she is an abuser of everyone who has the misfortune of knowing her.

Agreed. And the moment the BPDer finds someone else, the BPDer bites and won't let go.

Hi all

If these people are Victims... why haven't other people caught on by now? It seems baffling.

I feel like me, my family, friends are the only people who know the real her.

I can't see how her closest friend/flatmate can't see the pattern. But then he may also be easily fooled the way I was for 3 years!

Judging by the way he spoke to me on the phone... it's obvious she has exaggerated to him.

She's told him I was constantly contacting her/harassing her. When the truth is... I was asking for my stuff and she ignored me. When I told him this he just kept talking over me... telling me I'll never get closure from her.

What type of friend says this without either being told to say that or just *knowing*?

It feels like he *may* know about her but protects her anyway.