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The past few weeks I've begun to feel some sort of internal shift in regards to my SOpwBPD.  It was exactly one year ago that she broke up with me via email and we had a period of NC.  We gingerly started to communicate, and before long had shifted right back to where we were, (but I had a better understanding of BPD/why she is the way she is) without the pressure of a label to our 'unship' as I started calling it.

We got through the holidays with very few bumps and for that I was/am grateful.  But with all of the stresses in my own life, the very little if any support from her, the person that I actually care/want support from, I'm feeling tired and worn down being the emotional caretaker.  I'm questioning my choice to continue on, I love her deeply, I've accepted that she is doing the very best that she can.  But I also see her go out of her way for those in her life who are 'less' important, not as present as I, and it hurts me. I also know that's my issue to work on, nobody can fix that.

I've used the detachment rule with success, I know I love her, and can love her from a distance, but I'm just worn down. 

Not exactly sure what I'm trying to say here, maybe if I come back and read later I'll have some clarity, guess that's my issue right now, clarity.  Maybe some FOG happening, not real sure.

Thanks for reading

CiF

It's obvious what you are trying to say... .  You are emotionally exhausted and depleted!   Very likely physically the case also.

Here is my $.02

Spend more time taking care of yourself.  Get yourself emotional strong again.  Friends.  Family.  Hobbies you enjoy.  Exercise.  Eat properly.  Sleep.  All these things can be done without your partner.  And the stronger you are emotionally, the easier the relationship is to manage, and also the more clarity in your own thinking.

Most all of us start out here emotionally drained.  A common side affect of the relationship.  Boundaries and prioritizing your own well being will improve it.

  CIF.  I think it's deeper than just feeling depleted.  I hear the question "what exactly is the point?"  I think we spend a lot of time figuring out how to do this, and that is so challenging and complicated that it crowds out the question "whether I want to do this," or "what is the point of doing this."

I know for me, the hope or question about whether, if I become very good at accompanying my uBPDex and being a good companion, maybe more is possible or around the corner or down the road, is part of what has motivated me.  But that means I'm at war with the present in some way.  And that means my days have tension and disappointment and anxiety and longing.

I'm not sure where I am or what to say, either.  In some ways I feel we've been successful in surviving catastrophe and loving our pwBPD in a drama free way, which isn't so common.  But -- then what do we have?  I feel continually fenced off from what I want and what we once seemed to have.  Though what we have now is also not without value.

Fortunately I suspect our feelings will lead us where we need to go at the appropriate time.

Hi everyone-

This is very well said. I love my BPDgf very much, but I know that much of the anxiety I feel everyday is due to also loving her potential, longing for different behavior from her on the future. It's hard to enjoy the present moment when I don't want to fully accept it.

CIF- does this make sense to you? Does anyone have any proven methods for coping with these feelings?

Boatman

CIF - I feel like I completely understand how you feel.  I am thankful and grateful for some progress we have made in our relationship.  I am so thankful that I am continuing to gain understanding of BPD and the effects it has on my pwBPD.  He is trying to help me understand some of the thought processes in his head. 

I love him.  I accept him.  But I am tired and overwhelmed more than I am not.

Patient - I have begun to ask myself more and more what is the point.  I wish I had more faith in myself and accepting that our feelings will guide us. Your description of being at war with the present is exactly how I feel.  Some of my days have more tension, disappointment, anxiety and longing than I ever imagined possible.

Part of my personality always wants to fix things.  Accepting that there is nothing I can do has been one of the hardest things for me.  I look back at the role I played in the dysregulation for so many years -so much invalidating, using JADE and I know we have made some progress.  I am accepting that he needs to work things out - self sooth - work with his therapist.  I can not help him with those things.

I sometimes wonder if we moved to being just friends - removed the romantic part of our relationship - would it make it easier to detach.  Could we love and support each other as friends?  Would that remove some of the pressure and anxiety?  Could I live with that? 

I am with you, CIF, I don't know what I am trying to say.  I have no clarity today.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Thank you everyone for your responses, I appreciate you taking the time!

This is me, totally me today.  pwBPD has done nothing, it's me that feels off and I'm trying to ask myself the hard questions, for one "what is driving me?", ":)o I play an important role or even matter?"

It was such a simple thing that triggered me earlier in the week, it all seems so silly, but in reality, it rather sums it all up in a nutshell.


Both me and my pwBPD have undergone some major life changes in the last 6 months.  I had major joint surgery in September, lost my job due to that surgery.  My pwBPD got the job of her dreams and is feeling useful and like she is on the right track career wise. So there has been change, good and bad, and other things I've not mentioned in the interest of space, LOL.


Coworkerfriend wrote...

I sometimes wonder if we moved to being just friends - removed the romantic part of our relationship - would it make it easier to detach.  Could we love and support each other as friends?  Would that remove some of the pressure and anxiety?  Could I live with that? 

Honest answer here, no.  Being friends is what we are doing, very close/one another's go to person, and it's not easier. The romantic undertones are present still.  I am asking myself the same thing though, can I live with this?

I know the feelings that I am having will pass. I am doing all of the things to take care of myself, and also really trying to "listen" to my heart.

Intellectually, I accept that this is the way things are, will be, etc... .  but I can't line up my heart, even knowing all of the things that I know.

Sigh... .  

What you are all getting at is you want to start thriving, not just stuck in survival mode

I see what you are saying now... .  

It's a pretty natural transition point when you think about it. 


First, start making things worse and then get your self stabilized.  Taking a step back and reassessing the relationship from a more healthy perspctive. 

The great thing about it is that you will make better decisions if a little more detached and less emotional enmeshment

I think it is really valuable to clarify to yourself, exactly, why you choose to stay in the relationship.  I find this very valuable when working through the day to day - to be able to remind myself at the higher level exactly why I am here

Waverider: What you are all getting at is you want to start thriving, not just stuck in survival mode.

That's really "it"; and based on what CIF revealed is that his pwBPD is thriving (dream job, career on track, feeling good about self) while CIF's life has hit a rough patch (surgery, loss of job, etc).

So how does one re-align themselves to a new reality where the balance of perceived power has so radically shifted? I'm beginning to understand that "thriving" is totally an inside job: staying in the present moment, be aware of the cycle of sense-input triggering patterned thoughts that generate emotions and then behaviors. These make up our own internal point of view.

Here's the Truthful Talk I'm having with myself:

I will be thankful that my r/s with uBPDh is more in balance - and I will do the difficult but freeing work of taking responsibility for my "thriving" without blaming anyone else. We all have some difficult relationships. That's life.

I wonder if I could find my own happiness if I had a perfect husband but a child who was critically ill. Would I so easily blame my unhappiness on an innocent's situation?

If I start living right this moment as if I am totally responsible for my own sense of happiness and well-being, then do I really need to blame my pwBPD? There is always going to be someone or something to daily challenge me.

Taking my own advice:

If I have survived the splitting behavior, the lack of sex (that once was so great), the hurt and confusion of emotional abuse, the trash bins full of fear, obligation and guilt that I so readily accepted - then I am a pretty strong person. I have faced my own weaknesses and am better for it.

If I need to set a boundary of "me time" to find activities that are once again fulfilling and make life seem like living again, then I can enact those. Bottom line: I need to accept responsibility for how I "feel" and take action to make my realtionship with life better - without blaming my job, my boss, my financial situation... .  or my pwBPD.

It's taken me six or seven years to reach this point - and I thank UFN and many others on this board for holding my hand through the dreadful dark feelings. But I think that sucess and thriving are totally our own decision.

I am not going to place these unrealistic demands on any r/s: Nor will I accept someone else demanding that I meet those for them. That's a boundary I am free to set.

My grandparents were married for over 65 years - and I witnessed a lot of pain and suffering interspersed with enjoying a long, loving life together. What I never witnessed was a demand that the other person "fix" life. They accepted unstable relatives, times of stuggle, but also welcomed friends and happy times.

It's quite possible I feel some guilt for being happy to be freed from the job I lost, it was high pressure, continual "911" status, literally.  Financially I consider myself wiped out, but on an emotional/spiritual level, I love my new day to day.  With my pwBPD's new career track, I'm more than likely seen as an underachiever, and it doesn't really bother me.  I have enough... .  

The rough patch was my mother and stage 4 lymphoma, the final diagnosis on my adult daughter who is critically ill/completely dependent.  What's important to me are the cultivating and mainting of meaningful relationships.

Spiritually I feel on a higher plane, material possessions, external "stuff" isn't as important as it once was.

But as far as my r/s with my pwBPD, I'm thankful to have reached the place we are in today, my uncomfortableness is, is it enough?

Simple things are important to me, yet I am showered with gifts instead of words, I know I cannot change that.  I do appreciate those gestures, don't get me wrong, but have I outgrown it?  The answers are inside of me, I am just processing I guess.

The question is... .  is being in a r/s with my pwBPD enough?

Tired too. Things are currently calm for me, but the last year did a lot of damage to my will and feelings.

Agree with other poster here. Take time for yourself and restore what balance you can, rest up, take care of self.