BPDFamily.com

Since I was told by a family therapist that my mom is BPD, I've been rethinking my childhood a lot.

One thing I figured out recently is that I had to create my own self-esteem after I left home.  My mom was a classic splitter, and so on any given day I was either the brilliant, beautiful, wonderful daughter or the ungrateful, selfish, worthless girl.  Eventually, I decided to ignore the insults and go with the "good version" of me as defined by my mother.  It seemed healthier to believe I was awesome instead of crappy.

In retrospect, I've recently realized this was a bad idea.  I think I fell right into her trap.  I took on this idealized vision of myself and have lived with it for 20 years. I had to be the best at whatever I was doing, or I told myself I was.  I started my own business.  I became a bit grandiose and although it was kind of fun in my twenties to talk about wanting to rule the world, I've been actually disappointed that I don't rule the world.  Like, I really ran with it for a while, but now I've realized that the self-esteem I created for myself was as equally hollow as my mother's vision of me.

What the f@ck.

What my mother never told me was that I was normal, average, or just plain good enough.  I don't know who to be if I'm not the best.  I think unconsciously I must have decided that only by being the best would I be accepted or loved.  If I'm just like everyone else, then I don't have value.

Did this happen to anyone else?

Sometimes it can be hard to figure out who we really are after growing up believing that we were who our parents expected us to be. You're definitely not alone in this. You probably felt like your mother loved you the most when you excelled at something.

It's not possible for any one person to be the best at everything, but we all have talents and things that we're especially good at. What activities make you feel good about yourself? What do you do especially well? I'd start there and think about how to build on those. It's good that you're working with a therapist, too, as that can help you build up your self-esteem and feel better overall. 

I understand this. Extraordinary or worthless. The only real cure is to take your eyes off yourself and start helping other people. Go volunteer in a homeless shelter. Even take a trip to a 3rd world country in crisis. Find out what a big problem is and what your real worth is, because it's about what you can contribute to others. When you see the gratitude in the eyes of a dementia patient in an Alzheimer care home where you've gone to just spend time with them, then you learn why you matter. It didn't take extraordinary gifts or being better than everybody. It took showing up.

I can totally relate to this… I used to be just like that in the first half of my 20's… like you say; it's a hollow "self esteem" and a false self actually.


I can totally relate to the above sentence too because I used to feel the same way… but stop and think for a minute – what does this imply? Basically what you're saying here is: nobody has value.

What about the blue collared worker? The homeless person? The psychotic patient in a mental hospital? The crippled, retarded person? The baby who'll never live to be more than a few months old? Does this mean that they don't have value as human beings? If not then what is the point in showing them any kindness or respect? Are they entitled to any kind of dignity?

Think of a baby… it's a total invalid, it doesn’t know anything, it's entirely self centered and basically all it really does all day is scream, sleep and soil itself (and occasionally spit up or throw up on its' caretakers)… in theory you'd think that this is a creature with no "value" what so ever… yet for some reason most people tend to see a baby as the most precious and valuable creature in existence. When a baby's parents see it as the most precious creature in existence (which happens 90% of the time) despite its' total uselessness… this gives the baby a core sense of being a worthy human being and it gives it enough self love and self value to have a happy life regardless of what it manages to achieve… but those who don't get that will sometimes try to "prove" their worth with external things (what I can accomplish / what I can give to others / other people who love me / etc' when in fact, where it ought to come from, is knowing that as a human being you have value – by virtue of being a human being.

I can relate to what you are saying. I think that part of what makes it so hard to identify a clear self-esteem in adulthood is the fact that a BPD parent not only oscillates between love and hate, but they also want you to define yourself entirely through them. You have to take on their feelings, their traits, like the things they like, hate the things they hate. One thing I have been struggling with a lot recently is trying to identify my own feelings and opinions on certain matters. It was so indoctrinated into me by  my mother that I had to feel a certain way, I'm not sure what I really do feel. I'm torn between knowing that my feelings are really just hers, but also not knowing how to form something independent since all I've ever known is what she's projected onto me. Does that make sense? Do you think you can relate to that at all? 

A problem with the "helping others" tack is that your self-worth can become caught up in it.  You feel you are nothing unless you are of service to someone else and that can perpetuate the traits you developed from your FOO.  Especially if you are prone to the black/white great/worthless dichotomy (and I am, as well).

Another note: a lot of PD'd people also go into helping professions and seek volunteer work.  A primary motivation can be narcissistic supply.  No one's altruism is "pure", so to speak, but maybe take into account your personal motives.  Do they came from a healthy place?

Not that someone shouldn't do service, or that you can't gain the other qualities mentioned from it. 

Those sound like a lot of bridges that don't need to be crossed until someone comes upon them, if they come to them at all. We need to get out there and live without over thinking whether part of our motivation to do anything is this or that.

It's been studied many times using different methodologies, but the overall conclusion is that doing good things for other people makes people feel good about themselves.

Thanks to everyone for the replies.  Ironically enough, I became a school guidance counselor.  Talk about trying to please everyone!  That's my job and I guess my life.  My mother is a Queen type, with some Waif traits. 

The cool thing is, I have a student whose mom sounds a lot like a BPD and I am able to work with her around these issues.  Would've been nice if I had had someone in 7th grade to talk to about my mom.  Course the mom isn't diagnosed so I have to be really careful how I phrase everything.

Hugs to all.

Well nobody's saying that doing good things is a bad thing… and for that matter, from societys' point of view it doesn't matter whether the Mother Teresas of the world are doing it in order to get narc supply… but it does make a difference from the point of view of the individual himself (and the people around him/her). It's perfectly OK to feel good about yourself for doing good things for others but if that's the ONLY thing (or even the main thing) that makes you feel good about yourself then you've got yourself a problem…

MeanLittleFace, it happens to me a lot too. I become perfectionist in everything that I decide to be good at. The worst downside is the fact that I eventually fail my own expectation, because I can't be perfect, and then I fall right into the worthless bin. I can only feel that I am great at something, or that I suck at it. No middle way, if it is something that I care about, like job related or relationship related. There is a middle way only for the things that I don't care about, like cooking. I couldn't care less if I cook well or not, and that gives me the freedom to just feel average at it and it's fine.

The perfectionism starts to fade little by little once you learn to accept yourself with both the good and bad stuff. I am in that process right now and I must say it feels so great each time I notice one more thing that I don't feel like exceeding at anymore.

Yep.  I don't want to be average but I guess I'll have to get over it.

I'm a lousy cook too. :)