BPDFamily.com

Like the title says... .  I'm giving up hope. Hope of ever getting over her, hope of ever moving on, hope of ever finding "that" again... .  hope of ever being happy again.

I've read everything that I could possibly read, actively seeing a T... .  even went as far as starting on some medication. But let me tell you, nothing... .  and I mean nothing can stop the pain or thoughts of this woman running through my head. Every day all day, it's all I think about.

As many have stated their BPD was the most attractive and intensely drawn to person they'd ever met. A lot of people say that only becomes the case as we get to know them as a result of their intense mirroring and powerful idealization. But what if you felt like that towards them before you knew them or even said a word to them? What if you thought that person was your dream girl/guy, the most attractive person you had ever laid eyes on in your entire life before you knew a single thing about them? Cause that was my case... .  so how does that theory stand up then? And then add that to finding the "perfect match" for you AS a result of the mirroring/idealization and you have a recipie for disaster.

Fake or not the relationship was real for me. And like I've mentioned in previous posts becuase mine was a quiet borderline I did not have to put up with the harsh games and rages that so many others have. It was blissful and everything that I had be looking for up until she left and cut me out of her life as if I never existed in the first place. It doesn't matter that it was all fake - I know it was, however it's now ruined me for good. Never will I find that feeling in a relationship again. Never will I be that attracted to a woman again. I look around at all the girls when I'm out and about and it's just depressing. None even come CLOSE to matching up to her. Of course looks aren't everything, I know that much. But it sure does help to be that insanely attracted before you even said a word to one another to your soon to be partner.

Anything else moving forward would be "second best". Sure they might be a better person with far more to offer (that wouldn't take much) but no way in hell will I ever feel what I felt with her. Why? Cause it was a BPD relationship and as everyone knows they are fantasy drug like relationships. I guess this is it, nothing more that I can do but accept that. I guess I just have to start going to bed at night being happy that I was able to experiance what I did. Even for the short time it lasted. I pray for a recycle... .  

Dave44,

I had that experience before I ever met her... .  it was actually supernatural the way it played out... .  but it was a very evil supernatural as far as I'm concerned now... .  so many years and heartaches later.

I will tell you this... .  over time your perspectives and perceptions can and will change on any number of things you thing would never change.  I am so happy to have my pretty normal subpar wife over the BPDgf devil woman... .  she finally finished me off and I'm seeing things differently... .  you will too one day.

Dave,

Ive felt this way. It was real from your perception, therefore it was real. We suffer lots with these break ups. Im still not attracted to anyone after him, but i think this has more to do with not letti g go of him. The recycles are detrimental to healing and only draws out pain to last longer. I remember feeling good and just about over him a few months back when we recycled and things went up very quickly, then right back down and each and evertime it  reaches and all new low. Its sick. I hope you dont wish for recycle with a woman who threw you away. Shell do it over and over again.

Speaking as a person who's gone through many recycles, I'd say, no matter what the dreams you still have are, no matter how good it was at times, there's only going forward. If she isn't digging in with you, equally, enthusiastically, then it's best to dig your own way out, and live your life from there not looking back. It keeps you stuck to stay stuck. So many of us here could tell you that. 'Been there. Got the scars', etc.

When I read your quote above, I had the image of someone volunteering to be buried alive. They'd get the chance to see the light, and be free, from time to time, but then it's back in the ground with them until the next time they get dug up. It's when you break that cycle and stay in the light, after having clawed your way to your own freedom, that you'll do whatever it takes to stay above ground. You can do it. You don't have to be happy right now. You don't have to find another 'one'. Just don't give up. Keep the focus on what's best for you. Make the best of what you have and who you are. Keep reaching out for understanding, as well as looking within. For your own answers. This isn't about her, or them, or us. It's about You. Find your balance, you'll attract and find others finding theirs, too. You already have by being here. Welcome, and best wishes.

Dave - you've already had some very wise and helpful feedback.

I just want to emphasise something others have said. Please be patient with yourself and try to relax into the fact that this will be a long haul and there will be hiccups and set backs along the way. This is not the work of a few weeks - it will take much longer than seems reasonable ( I certainly thought so!). You are in T. You are therefore on the right course. If you stay on that course you will emerge in time feeling stronger and happier and  truly yourself - most likely even better than before this experience.

But it's important to remember to be kind to yourself along the way. Do something small each day - two or three things if you can manage it - to show care for yourself. A nice walk, cooking your favourite food, seeing a kind friend, reaching out for support here. This will help give you the strength on a consistent basis to make this journey successfully.

You're in training now to run a marathon - not a sprint - so do not throw in the towel - you're going to need that towel!

Best Wishes.  WWT

 

If it helps, I feel exactly the same way.

All I know is that it will be a long, painful existence for the rest of my life without him.  The relationship has ruined all hope for me to ever be happy again.  I am in physical pain 24 hours a day. 

No one understands.  But I do.  I am despondent.

Dave 

I remember feeling the way you do now; it sucks.  I think you may be stuck obsessing about the "image" you have of her.  It's normal to do this because, to a large extent, doing so protects you from the pain associated with facing the "reality" of her.  However, if you get stuck "reliving the image of her" for any length of time it will wear on you and tear you down and represent the "unattainable person" you obsess over.  I think this is where you are right now. 

It seems you place a high value on her appearance and perhaps you should reconsider if this is still as important to you or if it should be as important to you going forward.  Part of our healing process is taking a good look at what we value and determine if it's working for us. 

You hope for contact/recycle from her and we've all been there to some extent.  It is extremely unlikely that any contact from her will be healthy for either of you.  You cannot love her back to mental health, and the longer you wish for something that is beyond your control, the longer it will take you to heal.  Her mental health is not within your control, and regardless of how absolutely perfect she looks on the outside, she is flawed beneath her beautiful surface.  If you can see past the "perfection" to the part of her that is human and imperfect, it may be possible for you to acknowledge her illness and move on. 

You can move past this and heal.  Best of luck to you in your journey.

tailspin

Dave,

I had the same feelings for my ex that you described.  She actually worked for me on my project, and then I became her mentor at her request.  Right away I noticed how beautiful she was.  What was really striking was how beautiful, smart, funny, and friendly she was, even before we started dating.  For me, it was like getting the chance to date the most amazing woman on the planet.

I concur with what has been said earlier.  For me, it's really hard to look at the r/s through the lens of the disorder.  Radical acceptance is often recommended, but oh so hard to do!  At least for me anyway.  I feel like my whole life ended when she decided to move on.  I keep wondering when it will get better, but I accept that it will take time.  I'm hopeful that I will eventually meet someone who will be emotionally healthy and someone who won't push me away as I commit myself to her.

This board is full of special people who understand your pain.  All you need to do is reach out and there will be people ready to reach back.  In time, you too will be able to help others.  That's the truly amazing part of this community.  You start by being helped and up helping many others.  As that happens, so so does the healing.

Take care.