BPDFamily.com

All:

I have a long post in the beginner swimmer section.  Married 2 1/2 years to a woman that is undiagnosed but clearly a low-functioning BPD.  She is in therapy to gain the ability to deal with her severely NPD mother. She has had boundary training in a work group at her church - good idea it seems, and also attends some support group at the same church.  She is an up and down born-again Christian that seems to delight in rubbing my nose in her supposed faith.  She wears her faith on her sleeve.

The therapy she still attends has apparently shifted from dealing with her mother to painting me as black as coal.  All the classic BPD symptoms apply.  Therapy seems to embolden and empower her.  She says she has told her therapist all about all the "wrong" I do.

10 days ago she forced me out of the house.  I retreated to my sanctuary - a generational family home in the woods that she has no claim to.  She says she wants a divorce, which is nothing new.  She makes this bold statement fairly often, usually whenever things do not go exactly her way.   

There was no contact for a couple days.  I sent her a good morning txt yesterday and she responds with multiple txts that were more welcoming - not romantic or apologetic, but clearly an attempt to re-engage me.  Same thing last night and this morning.  I was not attempting to actually stir her up or win her back.  In the past when there were blow ups and I would leave, she would use a similar approach to re-open communication.  She has never apologized, but instead acts as if nothing happened.

I am not sure what to do... .  or think.

Hi Mike,

Therapy that is not tailored for BPD is likely not to show lasting effects.  It can also stir up emotions without giving tools to handle those emotions.

Apologizing for pwpbd is not easy, as apology requires a firm sense of self not rooted in shame.  Perhaps your expectation of this may be a bit unrealistic.

When you emailed your wife, what was your expectation?

Best,

SB

Hi Mike-c,

Regarding the therapy, it is common that a pwBPD will have the therapist eating out of their hand - especially at the beginning.  There's the "honeymoon" you experienced when you first met your W.  To be fair to the therapist, they don't have your perspective - they only get what is told to them, although a professional therapist should recognize the assignment of blame on everyone else as a red flag.  Unfortunately, if and when the therapist ever challenges their patient, the patient loses patience and moves on.  Unless the BPD is recognized by the therapist and a DBT style treatment is initiated, don't place much hope on therapy.

So if retreating to the woods has been your stand-by for dealing with her behaviour yet you always seem to land back in the same place after a few days, what do you think you could do differently the next time it happens?  

This hit me to the core... .  my wife went to theropy and all of a sudden I became this controlling, abusive, alcoholic who has numerous affair... .  all of which are 100% false.  When I asked how I was controlling it was because I would call her at work a couple times a day just to see how her day was going.  When asked about the abuse - she had no reply as I have never even lifted a hand to her or yelled at her... .  but she "knew": I was going to kill her.  The alcoholic, I would normally have one drink a night and a few when we played cards with friends... .  but she did also... .  I've passed out or thrown up once in my life (38 yrs)  she has passed out or thrown up 6 times this last year alone... .  As for the affairs I'm a flirt but have always been 100% faithful... .  but in her mind she knows I've slept with all these women... .  the other day she asked if she looked ok because she was wearing boots to church... .  when I said yes they looked ok and so and so wears them all the time and she looks good... .  the thing that came to her mind is that I wanted to sleep with her... .  everyone who knows me knows the truth... .  also her thoropist told her she was never going to judge her for texting a "friend" 4,000 times a month... .  she has her theropist beleiving all her "imagined lies"  an her theropist convinced her we were in a toxic marriage... .  which everyone else thought we were the perfect couple... .  ugh

I never had any expectation when I sent her a text message, I was inquiring about her health.  I also do not think I want to go back with her.  I can't take the abuse.  Her therapy was initially intended to help my wife deal with her mother who is clearly an NPD sufferer.

What I fear is that her fear of abandonment will kick in and she we pull out all the stops to get me back.  If she tries that, and past history suggests she will, I worry that I will be able to maintain my resolve.

well, you mentioned the apology, so it seemed like you wanted something more from her.  Again, no judgement, it is just good to know our own motivations so we can keep our boundaries firm.


you cannot control her or her abandonment issues.  You can only control you - in the past, why did you back?  What has changed this time?

I wasn't clear... .  sorry.  I was referring to an apology by her.

What is different this time is that she appears to be planning to welch on a deal we made in front of dozens of people:  specifically, we now have two different houses.  Mine is a 6 generation family home that I intend to transfer to my son shortly.  It is deep in the mountains, although only 45 minutes from her house.  Her's is smack in the middle of suburbia which leaves me feeling like a caged squirrel.  We agreed that I would live there primarily until her youngest daughter graduates High School, and then we would move to somewhere near my family home.  Not the family home itself but rather the same area.  Her daughter has 2 years to go.  My wife has said to me and others recently that she never agreed to move and wants us to buy a new home near her current home.

Not what I signed up for.  I love her very much and can tolerate taking complete financial responsibility for her, but this is absolutely a deal breaker.

I can tell this has you really upset.  So, if you are clear you are not going back - what is your next step?

My next step is to determine whether she is serious about not moving.  I need to be certain - she will say things and then recant, or just deny ever saying them at all.   Very difficult.  I am hiding out in the woods until I have my head clear.

Staying in the woods is a great idea to regain your own balance.

Are you working on the lessons on the staying board so you can best communicate your needs to her?  There are tools that do help.