BPDFamily.com

Hi Leaving Board!

Many times we see this phrase as we are stuggling to detach... .  

What does "be gentle with yourself", "take care of you" or any of these phrases mean to you?

For me:

- eat, sleep, exercise

- put myself around trusted friends

- let myself feel what I need when I need to

- forgive myself for anythign I may feel guilty for

What about you - what does your self care look like?

Peace,

SB

Talking kindly to myself.

Going for a walk.

Indulging in healthy treats (a good book, a bath, playing a game, favorite coffee or tea, massage, burning a scented candle)

Slowing down to savor all of the above.

Mine doesn't look so good.  I'd love to say I'm doing all these wonderful things for myself, but it's not true yet.  I know I should.  Every night I go to bed with the thought that tomorrow will be a better day and I'll accomplish things that will make me feel better about myself and my life, but the next morning everything is exactly the same.  I make plans with myself to call people, send emails, or have lunch with a friend, but then I just don't.  I can barely force myself to go to the grocery store.  I'd always been a strong person with a good sense of self, but now my continuing failure to take care of me, makes me feel weak, lost, and even more alone.  It's awful to fail when your only goal on a given day is to take a dog for a walk.  I know it takes time, but I feel like I'm circling the drain here. 

no worries - start today  :)

what is 1 thing today you can do for self care?

Well ... .  yesterday I managed to mop my kitchen floor.  As crazy as it sounds that was a real accomplishment.  Things that I used to do with no thought I now need to talk and push myself into.  It's so weird.  So here's the plan ... .  start some laundry,  walk a dog (I know I need to get outside), come home put on some music and take a bubble bath.  Maybe now that I've stated these HUGE goals to you I will actually follow through.  It's absurd ... .  I know.  One day at a time ... .  right?

|iiii

It is one day at a time - pick 1 thing per day as a goal and then it becomes a habit.  Learning to take care of ourselves and only ourselves is really a good lesson.

And mopping doesn't sound crazy to me, I feel better when my surroundings are clean too

I have a new motto posted at my desk... .  "Love Yourself More".  

I know for me talking to my friends and family has helped me to see that I gave too much to my ex BPD bf. I lost myself and was constantly at his disposal.

I relish the fact that I have "me" time now. I was running around like a chicken trying to do everything when I was with him.

I think it's really important to share with those around you that you need the support now more than ever - even if you alienated them -- just apologize and tell them you would like to spend some quality time together. Their forgiveness will help you heal.

I'm having a rough day today... .  feeling guilty that he feels so lost without me, BUT, I love myself more than I love him and I so want to heal from this ordeal.

Keep trying!

For me it means lot of the things that have been mentioned

healthy food

time with kind friends

making sure life has variety in it

some yoga and meditation

reminding myself that I don't have to take responsibility for everything I THINK I have to take responsibility for (that's a long and ongoing task!)

It may be a very obvious thing to say but over the course of my life I've found  that the more stress I'm under and the more tired I am the harder it has been  to make space for myself and take care of myself. It's as if it's the first thing that got jettisoned in an emergency. I'm slowy and laboriously trying to put that right. Not the work of five minutes I'm afraid!

WWT.

Trouble11 i know how you feel. It is overwhelming to not have the energy to do the things that used to be a piece of cake. When I had it like that i was diagnosed with depression, in the time before i actually started treatment, I started to accept that i didnt have the energy, and stoped beating myself about it. I came across an article on huffingtonpost about kaizen and everyday use of that principle. It is babysteps. This is a prosess that takes time. Try to stop beating yourself for not performing like you used to and then you celebrate everything you could to. Mopping the kitchen floor is a MAJOR deal when feeling like this, I know. And thus it is a simillarly GREAT feat. Everytime you do something however small, say "YES! Thats the way to go!" or "GREAT! I rock!" You get the idea. It is important to time it to exacly when you are done with the task, but it is not in vain to do it afterwards either, it is just more effective if it is done imidiately.

After my 1 real recycle. I left when I was depressed, and then we got back together again. I started to feel depressed again and I decided to leave to take care of myself. This time I know from reading in this forum that i have had and now relapsed into a long term stress indused Depression. And it is caused by chemical imbalances so today I started with anti depressive medications. I know it is going to be better because I have done it before and I learned to become my best friend last time I went through this. You really have only one you are completly responsible for and that is YOU!

Some of the things mentioned about, to keep my body moving is very important for me.

- healthy food

- yoga,

- take the bike to work,

- I am learning crawl swimming, I cannot do it right, but I adore swimming and water is a great element,

- and newly body-scans. Practicing mindfulness by viewing the body from insight. My T suggested to do it and she spoke it (her voice on my iphone is the guide). I should do it more. Not easy. Right now I am falling asleep easily instead of mindfulness. 

Great topic, thanks SB!  :)

 

The hardest part for me was believing I was worth taking care of.  I had been abandoned and betrayed and it was so hard to acknowledge my own self worth.  I focused on vocalizing my needs out loud to no one in particular.  This was a new experience since I had been so focused on the needs of my ex and I wasn't used to being heard.  I listened to myself.  I began to put my words into actions and behaviors.  I stopped isolating myself due to the extreme shame I felt.  I reached out to family and friends and found it wasn't necessary to tell them exactly what was wrong; it was enough for them to know I was in pain.  I took walks and looked for the beauty around me.  I paid attention to what made me smile.  I redefined what it meant to be me and I accepted the faults within myself as an opportunity to become a better person.  I learned freedom came from forgiveness and I made forgiving myself a priority.  I decided my healing was more important than his illness.   I gave myself permission to turn care and compassion inward and realized it was me I was looking for the entire time.

tailspin

Thanks ME ... .  Sorry to hear about your relapse, but good to know you have a handle on it.  :)   Unfortunately ... .  in my current financial situation I no longer have health insurance and can't afford to get a prescription.  I so wish I could see a T.  I know it would help, but gonna just have to power through this on my own.  And yeah ... .  it is stress induced depression.  

The stuff that is helping me

- Being my best friend:

See above post

- Journaling:

I just dump all my memories and my raw feelings into it. I use a journaling app called Day One, mac, ios only but everything works. All the thought loops I get caught in I just write it down, because there is so much pain in my entries I dont look at them afterwards. Espesialy effective when I have trouble sleeping.

- Talking to someone:

Confiding with my family has eased alot. They now know what I have been through. And it is so good sometimes to hear a new perspective. Due to my relationship I was not in contact with him for 1 1/2 years. Contacting him and telling the whole story has brought us back together again. He gave a visualization tool that helped so much: Think about the mean stuff he/she does and says and visualize that they are arrows in you. Pick them out and state to your self: "These arrows are not mine!" And then you throw them away. When ever you start thinking about aspects of the relationship and start feeling bad about it it is also an arrow that is stuck in you. Pick those arrows out as well.

- Shake it off:

I have learned that stress gets caught physically in the body. I learned a russian breathing technique from a free excercise program called recuper8. Stand in a proud stance with locked knees balansing over the hips and the middle part of the foot. Stretch you head towards the cealing and push the shoulders downwards. Now you look great! Start shaking and exhale, consentrating on empying the loungs almost colapsing, and when you regain your posture you will have inhaled automatically, dont use energy inhaling. Twist and shake as you exhale out. Shake your hands arms legs one at a time and exhale. The effect is imidiate!

Trouble11

Sorry to hear that. You can get by without meds and T. Last time I did not do meds and the only thing my T helped me with was getting my sleep pattern straight :) She did not know the causes then cause I did not tell her. I did not know at that time. I thought it was me. Be your best friend now and never beat yourself up when you cant do something. The tinyest babysteps adds up, and when I look back I am amazed how far I have gone. Not that you should stretch for that now but in awhile you will also be eons from where you are now. It is so important to cut yourself some slack. Whatever you could not do today, you do it some other day when you can. On one of my worst days last year I celebrated that I had the energy to take a shower,  10 days after last time :) Now I am nowhere near that down. But I have been where you are, and I know you can do it to.

BTW I have never been the cheery type so in the beginning I had to "fake" my praise to myself. Felt SO odd in the beginning. But I kept trying anyway.

exercise will help - creates endorphines that will help change your mood.

I know it is not easy, but going outside and just walking can help.

Also, if you cannot see a T, a good (free) source is your local CODA meeting.  Most people here are codependent to some degree and there are tools to help rebuild.

Finally, online meditations can help with stress... .  youtube, etc have guided meditations - studies show meditating can really help.

hang in there!

I found that I was so used to externalizing good and caring behavior that I had real difficulty trying to be good to myself.  I came up with a way to make it a game.  I "externalized" me--acted as if I were two people and in love.  My therapist thinks this is great, because he knows I'm grounded enough that this is an exercise only,  LOL!  

So whenever I'd start verbally beating myself up, the "Lover Of Myself" would rush in with positive words.  "She" would prepare a little tray of cocoa and tea for me to have ready in my home office.  "She" would draw a bath for me and light candles, and make sure my towels went in the dryer before I got in so they'd be nice and warm.  "She" would point out the beautiful sunset, etc. etc.  And really key--whenever my thoughts would go back to the exBPDbf, "She" would distract me with something healthier.  I have a fresh appreciation for myself in relationships, seeing how thoughtful, observant and caring I am... .  and I have to externalize this a lot less.  

I offer it to anyone else who finds it easy to  be considerate and giving to someone else, but not themselves. :)  

Changed4safety
I love your tactic :) I have been giving so much in my relationship. Just flipping that care around. Genious!

It's cutting out the middle man.   :)

This could work ... .  I'm already talking to "Her".   I've never talked to myself as much as I have lately.  Hope that's not just me.   

In regard of exercise I had an intuitive feeling that i needed to build some backbone :) This led to me finding a method to strenghen the back. It is called "foundation training" and I highly recommend it! I could do the basic routine even when I was depressed. Later when I recovered from my last depression I went over to kettlebell training also very strenghtening for the back when done right. I have lost 15 pounds and now I train everyday. Pretty sure that my stronger backbone enabled me to leave her :)

Dont worry! You are just getting to know yourself again :)

Forgot to mention that heavy excercise is stress, and the body does not differ between psychic or real danger. And when you push yourself to hard your body thinks you are in mortal danger. Be very gentle with yourself and when you start feeling it is enough, quit the session. Dont go trough with the program just to do it to the end.