Print Page - The Best "Leaving" advice for others: please help.

I don't know because I'm in the process, and it's HELL.

Here's what I would like help with -- maybe people have good responses to these issues:

#1 I'm struggling a great deal with the good memories... . SO many of them that at times I'm just flooded with peaceful feelings of the comfort I've had with my husband over the years. Relaxing on the deck eating dinner, gardening together, hiking, laughing, cooking together, constant affection... . what do I do with these memories? Was I living a lie? I reread some letters he sent to me and emails (loving ones) and was just a sobbing mess. The 90% good and 10% hell has really messed my head up.

#2 Self-blame and self-doubt- tagging along with #1. Could I do more? I learned about BPD after my husband came unglued at work last year. During that time he was not himself, had online affairs, raged constantly... . I could barely stand to be home, yet I stood by him. We never healed from that. I've read Walking on Eggshells and other books but never feel I truly implemented the strategies. Did I do enough? Am I giving up on my one true love by not trying harder?

#3 The logistics of dismantling our lives that we've built together - the house we've renovated (I'm finding it painful to sell - it is a small cottage on a gorgeous, huge lot, in an ideal location - we put our personalities into it and love it). Also, pictures, wedding invitations, all the heartfelt (kind) cards and letters over the years.

#4 Being painted black - He now says he despises me. Everything is 100% my fault. Much of what he has said or written to me lately is delusional ad wrong (# of months we've been separated, etc.). The smear campaign - he emailed my parents and told them I was extremely mentally unstable and needed help (!). Who knows what he's told co-workers. How do I cope with knowing this person who I supported the best I could, can now see NO good in me. This is difficult to accept.

That's enough for now. Thanks for starting this thread!

when Leaving a r/s?

Learn your own triggers, as well as being aware of theirs. And make a conscious choice to be UN-triggered as far as possible. Stay neutral... . think Switzerland. Avoid places and events that evoke nostalgia and melancholy in you about the "good times". Get rid of mementos if they trigger you.

Be aware of relationship recycling behaviors. When you pine for the good times, recall with a vengeance the bad times too!

Create NEW and positive routines for yourself. Do things differently than the routines you built and lived with your r/s partner. Switch gyms, take a class or try a new hobby, go to a different coffee shop. Spend time with new people. You have probably been isolated enough as a result of the dysfunction in your r/s. You can change that!

Don't over analyze the r/s, it makes you ruminate/obsess more. Save the analysis for your Therapist, or one or two trusted friends. Don't launch your own smear campaign against your ex. in retaliation. You will look as immature and vindictive as your ex. Preserve your own integrity.

Learn to be responsible for your own behaviors and leave your knee-jerk responses at the door-especially if you have to iron things out during a separation or divorce. Don't drag the kids into it-even if your partner tries to.

Don't respond to blatant provocation. Don't engage, or reply. Be boring. If you must respond-say OK. Or No thanks- and Leave it at that. Think Perfect Stranger, then Be one.

Ask for NC or LC if necessary- and Keep a journal if you feel that the BPD's bad behavior is escalating-threats , intimidation, harassment, stalking. Log times, dates, facts ONLY. Don't embellish with emotional content.

Trust your gut, it tells you when you are safe and when you are not. It feels funny to say-but it's actually a sophisticated sense that has evolved through millions of years to sense danger/fear vs

safety/security. Use that sense!

Leaving the right way is essentially "Living" the right way, into a happier, saner future.

Good luck with the book.

GL

First I just want to say thank you to you. I am grateful to have the opportunity to give a little wisdom back.

In my case, I had 2 young kids in a big metro area. Married to a BPDH for almost 8 years. I had a decent job. No close family nearby. That was 8 years ago.

My .02 below in no particularly eloquent order:

I don't think it's possible to separate physically in the same apartment or house with a borderline. I tried to have us sleeping in separate beds, rationally talking about separation, trying to give us a few months to sort things out for the kids who were in school and because he was in trade school and working and we didn't have a lot of money. My withholding of physical affection and calm demeanor about divorce drove him to real physical violence so quickly that it was terrifying.

I've since realized BPD folk have so many problems with boundaries that you need a real physical separation in order to achieve separation in marriage or romantic relationships.

Once you separate, hire an attorney. Actually hire an attorney before but file soon after.

Act swiftly and decisively.

Involve authority figures like lawyers, police, the school, your work, sane family members.

Hire sitters to help with kids. Use after school programs.

All kid exchanges need to be in public places.

Make yourself as boring as possible. Never be alone with the BPD again if possible.

Public places, authority figures, business like demeanor. Always as many people around as possible.

Distance is important. I can not stress that enough.

It's like crossing a border into another country on foot and you have to go above ground some days with vast emptiness and feeling like you will never make it , and other days you are in a tunnel of fast moving walkways in a major airport going easily through customs, and others you are in a fast moving jeep bouncing across the desert or tundra always worried your tire will blow but somehow someway you get there.

You never know what is coming next but you have to know that you can out last and outwit them no matter what.

.

Read "warning signs you are dating a loser" by dr. joel carver and pay close attention to hs detaching advice.

Read "gift of fear" by Gavin deBecker

My therapist told me the following, after he saw all the mental pain I was going through. Crying at his desk.

Enough is enough, Harmkrakow. You come here every time that your loved one is driving you crazy and every time you let your boundaries slip and allow yourself to get your own career ruined (possibly). Build up a foundation where you can stand on and build from the moment you will drop your r/s.

Look at what she has given you? Has she been there during the times you needed her after the idealization phase? When you write down how much you like about her and dislike, is there any balance ( (5+) / (17-). That is an enormous imbalanced list.

You tell her, that you will need to speak to her, either through an email or a text. When she has time, you give her a call. You thank her for the time you spent with her and acknowledge the good and bad times. We had a great run, but it stops here, as I can not give you what you seek in life. I wish you all the best in life and i'm sure you will do good.

Listen to a little she says, get's to emotional? You hang up, one more time saying, thank you dear, and seriously all the best.

Than block number or get different phone number, get her off facebook/linkedin including closest friends and continue with your life.

I think the best advice is "do no harm" and I really tried to leave with love. It doesn't matter if the person you are leaving (or who is leaving you) has a mental illness or not because at the end of the day everyone deserves kindness. I would also say don't second guess yourself and try to make it work (one more time).

When self esteem has been shattered the first step in picking up the pieces is being true to ourselves. Shine your love and kindness inward. Reach out to family and friends and don't isolate yourself. Allow yourself to remember the joy without making excuses for the abuse. And most importantly, give yourself permission to grieve. Grieve for what is lost, what will never be, and for what never really was. Seek your own truth and have the courage to make changes that may be painful. Leave for you... . do it for you.

tailspin

I fell into this once-wonderful-dream-come-true-turned-nightmare after I divorced a verbally and emotionally abusive man (possible personality disordered) and I left NO DOOR OPEN for me to leave this SO leaving for me is NOT easy.

Leaving the right way is realizing that I am leaving FOR ME... . the damage done to the relationship is NOT all my responsibility so I stand in the rubble and shake my head. It overwhelms me. I realize that I may never have "payback" or "recompense" and that I have given ALL to receive "THIS"

I have learned that I can "leave emotionally" and detach... . continue to heal from abuse while dealing with BPD abuse and learn about what things trigger me and how I can manage myself to eliminate/decrease emotionally sparking my uBPDso's dysregulation. I know that I cannot let him know my progress in "leaving" even if he knows that I AM leaving. I think his denial will be threatened and even though he tells me to "get the F out of his house", he will NOT like the day that I walk out the door. I realize that it must be done quietly, without explanation, without blame. I can't even see a "goodbye" as I have already told him, that if he "threw me out" that WHEN I leave (I am unable right now) that I WOULD LEAVE and NEVER return to him; have NO CONTACT with him... . and I mean it. I will not repeat it; I said this maybe THREE times and he heard me. He is responsible for understanding what I have said just as I am responsible for what I understand of his communication to me.

Leaving the "right way" for me is to leave with myself intact. Knowing that I did not make a mistake by loving this man; I have loved him very much but to admit that "he has killed our love" would be an understatement. He even told me that he "no longer loves me and doesn't even like me"... . and my response MUST be, for me... . "whatever"... .

I will NOT allow my love for him (in the past) pressure me into staying... . just as his (once) love for me is NOT given much weight. I stay IN THE PRESENT and mindful of who I am, what I have done, what I desire in life and make much effort to not get stuck on focusing "what I have lost, what I deeply feel hurt over and the overwhelming sadness and disappointment of having loved a mentally ill man and have all my dreams of life with him shattered".

I cannot "leave him" as I would a "normal healthy man". I have realized that I have loved and been in relationship with an emotionally and mentally ill man... . it saddens me but "I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it" (taken from another website) In leaving, I realize that my "caretaker" role is handing more and more of his responsibilities for his life, his house and "our relationship" BACK to him. I become LESS an emotional caretaker and more of an household peacekeeper... . keeping peace whenever possible in the household for my son and myself.

I must be sure to KEEP MYSELF SAFE and to protect myself from the verbal and emotional barbs and quietly "walk out" and not look back.

I am unsure what advice to give others, but I can tell you how it was for me.

The relationship had degraded to the point I did not recognize her values, I did not recognize her. I had little or no control over my emotions, I was perpetually, deeply depressed. I prayed every day and every night to not wake the next morning.

One fear that had kept me there for as long as I stayed was the fear my wife would attempt suicide, again.

I left because I could not control myself to provide a stable environment for me, my wife, or anyone. Staying, I was a contributor to my wife's disorder. I was angry, depressed, yet very much in love and (as I have found out) trauma bonded. I had already compromised my principles in ways that I could scarcely believe. I was hurting others, I was causing harm. It was stay and continue to be hurt and to hurt her, possibly even being the final catalyst to another serious suicide attempt, or leave and stop participating in the destructive maelstrom.

So as I drove away - and for me, the only way was to leave while she was out doing what she was not supposed to be doing. The constant pull to turn around was torture. I had to continuously recall painful, even horrifying experiences. I had to - for several weeks prior to leaving - find others who could emotionally support me After the initial act of leaving, I needed to constantly, repeatedly, reach out to whomever I could. I had to throw off the shackles of silence and let out what I had experienced. I had to remind myself everyday how it was and how I could not handle it even though much of my self-reinforcement was vitriolic painting her black to myself and others. I found a therapist, I went to the doc, I tried any med he would give me, I went to my priest, I prayed, I cried, I yelled. Over the first several months, if I tried speaking with her I melted down and screamed at her several times (which helped me to stay away, though this is clearly not a healthy, helpful or mature behavior, nor do I recommend it). I found the bpdfamily website. I read and studied and journal-ed and posted.

So it is not nearly enough for me to respond to "how did I leave" because 'leaving' has been an everyday experience for me. I have had to 'leave' every day since I 'left' nearly six months ago.

Eventually, I have been able to begin working on myself and my issues. With no-one else around to point the finger at, kinda just leaves me. Now I sleep well, I eat well, my emotions are stabilized, my depression is much less intense, I am becoming more productive slowly, no longer are my emotions so controlling of my own behavior or choices, I am rebuilding a few relationships with my family, and all of this progress is important to help me to 'leave' today. I am learning how to live and do things for me so that I can be a positive person in other people's lives.

I hope this is helpful to someone.

Michael

Throughout my whole r/s with my ex-wife, I was haunted by the following image:

I pictured being old and grey with her. I pictured that I had actually spent my whole life with the woman of my dreams - just like we'd always planned.

And then I would picture her face doing the familiar transition from love to hate, and I pictured the yelling and the tears about how I had ruined her life, and destroyed her every chance at happiness.

I pictured me dedicating my whole life to somebody who hated me for it... . to somebody who couldn't recognize or remember a single moment of my kindness or my love.

On the path I was on with my love, this image was not just an insecure nightmare... . it was an inevitability.

During my years with my ex, that image haunted me.

Now, in the wake of all that has broken apart, that image is the source of my greatest solace.

Detaching, as I feel it now, is one of the most painful things I can possibly imagine.

But it's not the worst.

That image of us old and grey... . remorseful, regretful, and caught in the inescapable web of hatred and anger.

That would have been worse.

That would have been worse.

And I know it.

------

My advice for those leaving, detaching, or considering leaving is this: If it is a relationship with a pwBPD, then a sense of loss is all but inevitable... . be it last week, now, a year from now, or in your old age when you look back at how different your life might have been. We cannot avoid that pain altogether, and we shouldn't try. Instead realize that the pain we are experiencing now is in fact saving us from a greater misery that was still yet to be. Gain strength and comfort from that.

I can say from my own experience that no real, lasting change in my life occurred without having something happen that caused me to have great emotional investment (and subsequent upheaval) in the event. I resolved to leave a million times before I actually did, and it took an event probably very minor in my xBPDw's mind. It was a blatant act of disrespect to me that violated every rule not only as her husband, but as a human being in general, and I did nothing wrong. She wouldn't even treat her dog the way she treated me on that fateful day, even if he crapped on her favorite rug

That was two years, two months ago. Up to that point, I thought I didn't even have the strength left to leave. I was already at rock bottom, and it was like she kicked me one last time face first into those rocks. It caused something in my mind, body, and soul to "click" (I cannot think of a better way to explain it), and I became a man with a new purpose. From somewhere deep within came the strength I needed to endure the next 18 months as well, in which I separated and finally divorced.

For those discouraged about not being able to take the step of actually leaving, all I can say is that up to now, you probably haven't been ready. You will know when you are and there will be no doubts, and odds are that everything will change in one day.

First off, find a counselor that is going to be able to help. Despite me talking to one for 9 months, I never even heard the term BPD until my 3rd counselor.

Learn about BPD. Understand that it is a problem affecting you but that ultimately you need to take responsibility for yourself.

Read the book "Splitting" about BPD and Divorce.

Build a good support network. Family, friends, community, church, etc. Talk to those you can trust and be honest with you.

Stay active. Keeping the mind busy and active keeps it from dwelling on the separation. Understand that while it's tough to imagine, a change for the better is being made. All change comes with some amount of pain.

I agree with finding a T. I had been to a few therapists but by chance, I found one that was familiar with codependency. Once I looked at things from that perspective, I was able to find my own worth. My therapist told me that she was in a codependent relationship years ago. She said her turning point was when she thought about what life would be like 5 years down the line if she stayed. At first, I didn't think much of it. Because of my codependent tendencies, I assumed that I'd be able to perfect my love for her or that I'd be able to fix her or that magically, things would get better. Once I was able to sit with that thought and be honest with myself, I realized that things would be the same or worse 5 years down the line (and have wasted all that time). That's when I started making progress. Having this community helped. I remember feeling overwhelmingly relieved that there were hundreds of other people that shared my same experience. The other part of my recovery was regaining my relationship with God. That, for me was the other part of being able to leave and stay gone. That's personal of course, if that's not your thing, I don't mean to offend or alienate anyone at all. The forth thing that helped was the article on this site that has, I think, 9 or 10 things not to do when breaking up. I had done them all in the past and it helped me see that the problem in the relationship was not fixable. With BPD, there will hardly ever be closure with the other party. These are the things that helped me find closure on my own.

I would also say:

-Leaving isn't the same as "detaching". Leaving is act, detaching is a process. I think knowing that would've helped.

-In this process, you have lots of opportunities to make healthy choices, EVEN IF you've made unhealthy ones. Even if you mess up, do things to set yourself back, just keep going; starting again, not being perfect at this is OK. :)on't let your leaving become a space for self-invalidation.

-Try to remember that most of what your ex does in this phase isn't about you. But look honestly at what you may be doing to make things worse.

-It takes as long as it takes to heal. No more, no less.

-You may get confusing/harsh advice from well-meaning folks unfamiliar with BPD. Appreciate their intention and realize that they are unfamiliar. Seek special support from those who do know about BPD.

-Don't waffle.

As all have stressed NC is paramount if at all possible. I suggest distance and changing contact info if children or job are not an issue. Take a sabbatical from your life.

If you have kids NEVER be alone, never swap isolated EVER. If you don't have kids never be alone.

Do not play games with the ex through your appearance, words or behavior.

There is one way to deal with this person after leaving it is not too.

Honest introspection on a daily basis and someone to verbalize it to is important.

Understand why you ended up in that relationship.

Identify and rid yourself of similar behavior whether acquired from the relationship or before.

Deal with yourself, there was nothing there but you in the relationship.

The best therapy for me is my son a, nd helping others. Physical activity and some physical work (building especially) is also therapeutic.

You must get to a point where you neither hate nor love the person, you must be indifferent or maybe it is at peace (with yourself?). News (gossip?) of the other person should roll off you like water: good or bad. Don't feel jealous of thier successes nor exalt in their pain.

If you want my advice for divorce it is much longer and much more harsh especially on regards to men. But I will give some.

Document everything. PERIOD

Please don't consider this kras, but abstain from drugs, alcohol, Facebook, my space, twitter, porn etc; anything that can be used against you. Anything will be used against you if it can be twisted, don't give ammunition.

Don't let on that your keeping a diary if you are about to split. Consult with your lawyer on the if and when to let the other lawyer know you have notes on everything.

Organize your notes and records financial social etc. The lawyer doesn't need a mess. Nor do you. Know your dates.

Every professional should be approached with caution. Not all care, and all are human, and not all humans are ethical. This goes for therapists, lawyers, doctors, judges, psychologists etc all. For example the therapist we were sent to for "conflict resolution" was later prosecuted for sleeping with his female clients for testimony, professional is a word with little criteria attached. Treat them with respect but do not trust them ever.

A judges, lawyers, doctors or any professionals word is worthless unless recorded or they documented it, no proof of what they say is worthless.

Again kras but a btchy female lawyer is useful for you and annoying to face for a guy or gal. An annoying woman in your face is very frustrating.

Report all incidents of violence to the police, get documentation of injuries and incidents PERIOD. :)ocument as well.

If you are going to court for money or kids... . the period of court there is one thing going on: COURT, nothing else. No love life, no job promotions. Take care of your kids, take care of your job, and live court.

Do not go to court looking like dictator parent. Act like you will work with the other person, but DO NOT let them walk over you.

Never leave the kids with the spouse if at possible aka daycare?

Most professionals involved on the periphery (pediatricians etc) don't want anything to do with your divorce.

HTH,

Nathan

Hey Randi,

It is so neat that you are pulling this info together for a book. Your Eggshell book has helped so many and then to follow it up with help for those that are trying to detach, that is important info to get out there. Love it.

At first I thought, it's too personal, each sitation is different. Then I started thinking about the cycle of abuse and how that plays into leaving. For a long time after the final decision, I felt like I was waiting. I was trained up that he would come around if I waited. It's like quitting smoking, you go a day without smoking and think, I'll have a cigarette to celebrate. I'd go X number of days not contacting the ex and want to contact him to celebrate. I would have the cell phone in my hand, with these wonderful thoughts of reasons to contact him. I kept having to put the phone down and literally tell myself, no, anything but that. It's a feeling of waiting but not knowing what I was waiting for? It wasn't the usual cycle of abuse, silent treatment, honeymoon. It was silent treatment but imposed by me! It's hard to unlearn the pattern. I think I'm at the Julia Roberts' stage of Sleeping with the Enemy, where she drops the apples and says, I don't want 'em. Fed up with anyone that is unkind. At the break, I was more Jennifer lurchlookalike in Enough, where she says, I don't want to be that person, a woman that is abused by her husband. Lately I think about the article on this site that says this experience has damaged you in ways that you don't understand yet. Recovering from PSTD, trying to rebuild relationships, job performance, debt accumulation. I'm stronger everyday but annoyed and frustrated at how much damage repair I am dealing with now.

Hope that helps! You go Girl! Thanks for doing what you do, such important work.

The process of realizing that my ex is disordered took a long time. After being through the emotional and verbal abuse for so long, it took a while for me to understand that her yelling and screaming were not my fault. This is something that I still struggle with.

My advice is if you know that the person is emotionally and verbally abusive towards you, don't worry about the 'ethics' of leaving. This is not a normal person that you can talk to and have a heart to heart conversation and then be done with it. This person will do whatever it takes to keep you from leaving. Leaving someone is always hard. Leaving someone who has been abusive towards you is excruciating. So, come up with a plan and do it without remorse. Sure, these people are human. But so are you. You have probably been taking care of this person as your full time job. Now is the time to do whatever it takes for you to leave and to make it permanent. Burn the bridge.

Quote from: WalrusGumboot on January 31, 2013, 01:34:59 PM

I can say from my own experience that no real, lasting change in my life occurred without having something happen that caused me to have great emotional investment (and subsequent upheaval) in the event. I resolved to leave a million times before I actually did, and it took an event probably very minor in my xBPDw's mind. It was a blatant act of disrespect to me that violated every rule not only as her husband, but as a human being in general, and I did nothing wrong. She wouldn't even treat her dog the way she treated me on that fateful day, even if he crapped on her favorite rugThat was two years, two months ago. Up to that point, I thought I didn't even have the strength left to leave. I was already at rock bottom, and it was like she kicked me one last time face first into those rocks. It caused something in my mind, body, and soul to "click" (I cannot think of a better way to explain it), and I became a man with a new purpose. From somewhere deep within came the strength I needed to endure the next 18 months as well, in which I separated and finally divorced.For those discouraged about not being able to take the step of actually leaving, all I can say is that up to now, you probably haven't been ready. You will know when you are and there will be no doubts, and odds are that everything will change in one day.

Can you say what she did, or make up something similar so the same point is made?

Oh, thought of something else. When I told a close friend that I was divorcing the ex, she was in shock. She said, I can tell, he loves you so much and that we belonged together. It threw me for a loop! I had to think long and hard about that. When we were around others, he looked the like the perfect loving partner. So when I told my brother that I filed for divorce, he was shocked. I told him that ex is a different person in private and I won't allow myself to be treated that way anymore. That was all it took, he said, oh ok, good for you. I told the shocked coworkers that blending a family is very difficult and it's become too hard. End of story. People that only see the public persona are going to be shocked. Don't get sucked into, no, you guys are meant for each other, they love you so much.

What pushed me to finally make the break was my daughter was invited to go on vacation with a friend and the friend's family. I thought, how come we never take a vacations? I was talking to ex about it and he said he had bought tickets for himself and his daughters to go to visit his mom, you know since he and I were having difficulties. He said that I was welcome to come along if I wanted. While they were gone, I downloaded the divorce papers from the web and started filling them out. He didn't consider me worthy of discussion in his vacation decision and no, I did not want to tag along on their vacation. That was the final straw.

Rose Tiger,

I can relate to the family and friends being shocked at the news of the break. They actually protested about HIS love for me! Incredible, I felt, since they had no real idea of who he was in private.

I had no prepared script for their protestations. I wish I had prepared better. Something to the effect of

"Private life and the Public picture are two very different things".

Get a statement in order so you have a comeback for those "BUT he loves YOU!" exclamations.

Something without blame and straight to the point. Look them in the eye. Let them know you mean it.

PS I love the tip about burning the bridge. Best one. Ever. Codependent people are so overly conditioned to save, fix and rescue that we might be the ones frantically tossing water on the ones we should have let burn! Saying WAIT! One more try! I can repair this!

I guess the lesson here is to know when it's right, personally, to save ourselves, and let it burn.

GL

Randi,

I would like to add the following to my original post:

My expwBPD devastated me. The rage and emotional abuse for 4 years was horrible. He used every BPD trick in the book and at the end accused me of being a mental terrorist and forcing him to wall on eggshells. He would rage at me in his mother's voice and then go silent for weeks. At that point I had no idea what personality disorders were. I thought I was going crazy.

However, during our last showdown, I asked him what he was feeling. He couldn't even make eye contact, and at a very primal level, he seemed to be a wounded animal. It was at this point I showed mercy and let him go gently. It was this random act of kindness that has allowed me to forgive him, heal, and move on with my life. I had no idea at the time that this was my first step towards healing.

I've since gone through the stages of grief and am still working on myself, however, leaving is a choice. It's exactly how we choose to leave that becomes the key to our recovery.

tailspin

Quote from: tailspin on January 31, 2013, 07:56:43 AM

Tailspin, your words absolutely spoke to my core tonight. My husband is watching the Super Bowl with friends, and I just came from my parents. I intend to stay there permanently, starting Tuesday night. We have no children, thankfully, but we have been married over a decade, so this has been brutally hard on me. I have moved a few things there a little at a time. When I was driving home tonight, although I feel much stronger than I did four weeks ago, I began to have lots of pangs and sadness... . for all that will be lost, the dismantling of our lives, leaving the cottage and gorgeous gardens that I love so much. I am going to print your words and keep them close. I needed to hear them. Thank you.

Each responder has shared something wise! What I would add is that nobody will leave the relationship until they are strong enough and have learned that they are.

For me, it was 20 years of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. But when I left, I walked out knowing that I had done every thing that I could possibly do. He was broken and I could not help him. One of my bosses likened our marriage to a double-drowning. BPDXH was drowning in his illness (and addictions that he used to numb his feelings). If I stayed, I would drown as well. It was best for us both for me to disengage (not easily done, until I saw how very sick he was) and to save myself.

People who do summon up the strength and courage to leave, especially from a long-term relationship, need to have a good support system and to speak about their abuse. It loses power when it is brought out in to the light.

If I had not found this website, a true God-send, and spoken/written about what my life was like, I might still be there. I felt like nobody in my life would believe how bad it was, or would give me empty advice, as they had not been there and didn't understand.

Lastly, if you are going to leave, go! Don't threaten or warn them. If your mind is made up, don't allow them to confuse or FOG you, or to physically stop you (my XH took my keys and purse and phone, more than once, to keep me from leaving). Get your important documents together and go! Nothing is worth suffering for the rest of your life. The BPD sufferer, outside of counseling and being invested in getting better, cannot love you since they do not love themself.

For me, thinking about what my life would be like if I spent another 20 years with XH was enough to keep me gone.

Quote from: JDoe on February 04, 2013, 10:43:09 AM

if you are going to leave, go! :)on't threaten or warn them. If your mind is made up, don't allow them to confuse or FOG you, or to physically stop you

Amen to this advice. Each situation is different, but this was absolutely true for me. Previously, she had tried to stop me physically and with FOG, and when I left in her presence, she ended up O.D.-ing on prescription meds. Prior to that the FOG was intense if I showed any intent to leave (in reality or her perception). Another time earlier in the relationship with no threat of my leaving - when our relationship still seemed strong - she had O.D.'d. In the last year of being together (8 yrs together total) I had even packed and started driving a couple times, unbeknownst to her, and all it took was a kind phone call and I turned around. We each have to prepare as best we can and find the right moment. Leaving with a "mutual understanding" is just not possible or probable in some of our relationships. Sometimes the attempt to do so in a mutually mature fashion can trigger the worst possible outcome. In my case, I saw staying had the greatest potential of catalyzing a serious suicide attempt by her, and even though I understood my act of leaving could trigger the worst, I made the best and only decision I could make at the time given the state of the relationship and its inexorable progression to new and uncharted, mind-breaking lows, her present state, my present state (both of our states reflected the state and direction of the relationship). She was with other people - perhaps her boyfriend - but in any event she was not alone. My belief was that she was probably with her boyfriend, and that belief was one of many that helped propel me and kept me driving.

Prepare as best you can muster. But by all means, leave when you can. Staying is no solution or preventative measure for anything and is helpful to nobody if YOU are that compromised or if the relationship is that compromised.

My ex was probably on the NPD side of the spectrum and also verbally abusive. He therefore did not want to leave and "refused" multiple attempts to break up.

Therefore, for me to get out of the relationship once and for all, I found that I had to stop providing "narcissitic supply" if that's the right terminology. I was in therapy and was learning to get in touch with my own needs and stand my ground. He found my newfound independence quite problemmatic and when I finally got to the end of my rope, he left willingly after I told him I couldn't do it anymore.

After he left he found the book "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and self-diagnosed as BPD. I found out about it on the internet and discovered "no contact" as the best approach to breaking up and shortly thereafter we went no contact. It has been eight years of that and it has gone well.

However, after separating, I went into an emotional tailspin of depression and generally being a nervous wreck. Not having someone to "fix" or the chaos of the relationship left me without solid footing. Also, the relationship had lasted 12 years and started when I was 19 and therefore it was all I knew for my adult life. Also, I believe my mom has a personality disorder, so I had lived masked and as a pleaser most my childhood as well.

What finally helped me most to recover from the relationship and get back onto solid ground personally was, in this order: 1. a support group for women in abusive relationships 2. Get treatment for post traumatic stress disorer (EMDR) 3. Get personal therapy where it was advised I get into another relationship to heal my attachment issues. 4. Fin a suitable partner who helped me feel safe and secure with my own family, home, etc 5. Learn about being a Highly Sensitive Person and how to accept myslef with my limitations and vulnerabilities.

A BIT OF HISTORY…...

I’m exactly one month into NC after a highly dysfunctional 3-year r/s with an udBPDxgf. I knew there was something wrong right at the start but she was so intelligent, funny, sexy and attentive to me (at times) that I overlooked the negatives. As things progressed her behaviors became more and more egregious (being devalued, blamed for everything, stalked, hit, spat on, house broken into, gifts returned destroyed, witnessing rage and self-harm etc…) but I “normalized” these behaviors over time. I convinced myself that I could easily detach when I eventually wanted to and even pushed her away at times by dating others. But I ALWAYS came back to her.

What I didn’t realize was that I had become so enmeshed in this r/s that I couldn’t leave her. I was hooked, trauma bonded, co-dependent, Stockholm syndrome victim …… whatever you want to call it!

ADVICE FOR DETACHING …...

For me the “real” detachment process was enabled by seeing a good therapist. The r/s had become so toxic (we were both sleeping with other people but coming back to each other and her self-harm was now occurring on a regular basis) that I knew I needed outside professional help.

Fortunately for me, my T had treated BPD before and in the first session he informed me that it sounded like I had a BPD partner. I had never heard of it before. I told her this and she denied it vehemently saying I was the one who was nuts.

The second step was to inform myself. I read 2 of Randi’s books and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and found bpdfamily.com.

The third step was to talk to my family and friends and start doing things with them again. They were very supportive with me. Also I am taking my T’s advice and staying out of any other romantic relationships for now. This I intend on sticking with until I feel normal and healthy again. It could take many months?

As a sanity check, I took the unusual step of contacting my udBPDxgf’s ex-husband via email. He was painted to me as an abusive monster by her. I had never met or spoken with him in the past and he lived far away. He called me back and we spoke for nearly 2 hours on the phone. I didn’t say a word to him about BPD but he mentioned it right away and told me both he and his divorce attorney believed she was BPD. He had gone through hell with her as well. This helped me tremendously and made me believe that NC was the only way I could get my life back.

The last and most difficult step was to actually go NC. It ain’t easy and I still struggle with it mightily. That’s why I keep coming back to this message board. I also have written reasons not to go back in the Notes on my iPhone. Whenever I have an overwhelming urge to contact her, I read those notes again or I come back here and read the Articles and/or Message boards or I call a friend who knows what I went through and talk it out.

Good luck everyone … this is a great community... . thanks!

Quote from: Randi Kreger on February 02, 2013, 06:33:38 AM

Quote from: WalrusGumboot on January 31, 2013, 01:34:59 PM

For those discouraged about not being able to take the step of actually leaving, all I can say is that up to now, you probably haven't been ready. You will know when you are and there will be no doubts, and odds are that everything will change in one day.

Can you say what she did, or make up something similar so the same point is made?

I can say for me it happened when my best friend from 8th grade mentioned that she had many of the same issues as my then BPDH. She was once dx as a possible BPD. She said to me, "I can't drive without getting a ticket practically. I'm rude and selfish sometimes. I have problems with my identity. But you know he may have these problems but he is just is not committed to you or your kids. " I am paraphrasing here but I know my friend was saying that the illness was real and just being able to name it did not in any way mitigate the way he was treating me. I was in danger. The kids were in danger. He had ruined my finances. i had forgiven his affair. I had done so much and he could not even support me in my career or in parenting. He wanted to move us across the country. He wanted my dad to give us money. The list got longer and he was in no way capable of changing in therapy.

It was also a wounded animal moment with BPDH where he looked at me with all the pain of a wounded lion or whatever animal you think and said, " I thought you could fix me. I thought you could fix me... . "

It did happen in an instant and I've never looked back. I know I may be an exception, but there is a great song by Michelle Shocked "The secret to a long life is knowing when it's time to go... . "

If you are finding the process of leaving difficult, then you have almost certainly made multiple attempts to salvage the relationship. For many of us, even after we are out, we find ourselves second-guessing ourselves, wondering whether a change of behavior on our part, or a change of situation, or a little more persistence might result in the success that has eluded us. It is important to realize that in the vast majority of cases, the cause is truly lost. It can be very very hard to accept this. Thoughts that begin, "couldn't we just... . ?" or "maybe if I... . ?" or "what if... . ?" are attempts by your emotions to lure you from wishful thinking to ill-considered actions. Because a pwBPD will often actively try to convince you that "things will be different this time because... . " one of the best rules you can adopt after you leave is the no contact rule (as many here have suggested). In most cases, the only reason for contact is a desire by one or both parties to try again. Search as hard as you can for success stories where a second-chance (or a thousandth-chance) didn't end up back in the same destructive cycle; almost without exception, the only successes involve a real commitment to intense therapy by one or both parties. So if you feel the temptation to try just one more time, it should only be because the pwBPD has been making real progress in therapy (a promise to do so isn't enough).

Plan your exit and be very, very careful.

BPD's have an innate ability to "read" people or maybe it's just that they are always paranoid. Even when I operated with spy-like stealth the EXBPDbf figured out I was preparing to leave.

THEY CAN READ YOUR MIND. You won't have as much time as you think. Assume BPD will try and stop you. Possibly by force but more likely through manipulation by holding your precious keepsakes as hostage.

Priorize your belongings in order to insure the safety of irreplaceable items - such as photos. Can you leave things with a freind or rent a storage unit?

Be prepared for a quick get-away. Bank books, passport, deeds, etc. Consider opening a new checking account in your name only and putting as much of your cash there as possible.

The Ex once took my driver's lisence and credit cards out of my wallet to prevent me from getting on a plane.

Dear Randy,

At first, I won't be very original but I'm saying this out of a deep feeling of gratefulness, I would like to thank you for your books SWOE. Along with this priceless forum, they have spared me countless sufferings and painful personal questionings whereas the root of the problem betwen my beloved future ex-wife (who is American) and I was elsewhere. The fruitage of your patient and thoughtful work and selfless dedication to others has enabled me to save my mental and emotional sanity. I don't dare imagining where I would be and in what state I would be if I hadn't read all the unvaluable information available in your books or here on this forum. I'm grateful that your book may have been translated in French, my mother tongue, so that I could buy it and have my close relatives read it and thus understand better my wife's reactions and stand back from what meets the eye. Hadn't the French translation of your book have existed, I would never have been able to explain in plain words so well what my relatives read therein. In that regard, there is nothing available in my country, as far as I know, whether it is through books or forums, so helpful, serious and pertinent as what we can find in the USA.

As for your question, although I was served with divorce papers and am still waiting for the decision of the hearing which took place about two months ago, I'd say that "leaving the right way" was for me to find peace... . I didn't want to leave but had to because that decision wasn't mine and was therefore imposed upon me. I found ways in your books and here to find peace, freedom from resentment or from guilt. I leave in peace. I don't even need to spend hours here on this forum anymore, reading other's posts and sharing my feelings and short experience with others.

Of course, peace doesn't mean that pain is absent and that love is dead but a page has been turned, a loss has been mourned and I can say peacefully that, although that sentence may sound terrible : "I don't care anymore." As I read in a book about co-dependency: "Let God and let go".

Understanding the innermost meaning of that quotation was for me the key to peace. There was nothing I could have done to avoid what happened and whatever else I would have done, it would have ended up the same. I may have regrets but I don't have remorse. I can't change the past or the present respecting my marriage so I'm focusing now my attention on how I want my future to be built, with or without her. I did what I could and when I could do it. Her friends and family told me that they could tell that I had really done my utmost and that I could go back to France in peace... . which I did and have been feeling till now.

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Randi Kreger on January 29, 2013, 03:57:25 PM