BPDFamily.com

Just trying to review our course of action. BPD father-in-law says all his problems with wife (who has serious medical condition that could be made worse by stress) as he criticises us for the way we dicipline our kids and tell them off for things he asks them to do and this is the only thing she will ever contridict him about. He turns nasty and says she is disloyal for not agreeing with him. We decided to keep away to help her. Now he keeps pestering us saying our absence is making her health really bad. She says not. I have read about triangulation and that you should remove yourself from the triangle but will this help her? Will he just get more cross with her? Will this help to enable her to finally leave him? Should we want her to escape her abuse? I would love to hear if anyone has managed to support someone who is a victim of BPD by their non/intervention. Can we really help the nonBPD?

This is tough--it sounds like your FIL is blaming you and your DH for a number of things, including his wife's health.

Their disagreements are between the two of them, even if it's about how you parent. Their relationship and how they deal with disagreements is really something that they have to work on themselves. As much as I can see how you want to help them, they have to work through their issues themselves. I'd be very surprised if your ways of disciplining your kids is the only thing they don't agree about.

What does your MIL want, in terms of her relationship with you and her relationship with her husband?

MIL wants to keep in touch and see us but is scared it will set him off on a depression. He controls everything including dictating letters, emails and sits beside her if she phones so she dare not communicate. Sure their problems have been going on since the first affair over forty years ago but she nevers dare speak of her issues. She has a therapist and has tried to leave but his 'attempted suicides' have called her back. We are trying to not add fuel to the situation and know he is scared of loosing her and us but he has no insight except that he says he is depressed. It seems we are going to make things worse whether we see them or not. We want to act as a role model for her that you have to be able to set boundaries about the way one is treated but dare not start a dialogue incase it triggers more abusive behaviour towards her. ?

It's good that she has a therapist and is working on these issues herself.  I can see how you're really torn.

You mentioned that your FIL has attempted suicide. Has he been treated at all for the suicide attempts? It seems like he recognizes at least that he's depressed. Is he in treatment for the depression, or would he be open to seeing someone about his depression?

One thing I've found when setting boundaries is that sometimes it helps to present them a little differently and focus on the positive (what you'd like the person with BPD to do) vs. limitations (what the person with BPD shouldn't do). If you want to have a relationship with your MIL, is there a way that you could involve your FIL in a way that won't cause more conflict between the two of them?

Yeh he is supposed to be getting help but not sure it is working. He is not keen on antidepressants. Yeh we could try talking to him about a positive action. We did try to meet on neutral ground but he sat appart and refused to engage with the rest of us. Maybe we need to try a direct approach and ensure that the boundary is any issues he tells us not her and we will keep our cool. Many thanks I am now thinking in another way and can see a way through though I hate conflict and confrontation. Maybe we should sound her out first if we can reach her without him knowing. Ta