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Title: When dealing with a pwBPD isn't enough, here comes family drama. Post by: Foreverhopefull on January 31, 2013, 07:53:51 AM Everyone here knows that our lifes is full of drama enough, we don't need to add family drama to our lifes.
It seems that, unbeknownst to me, I have insulted my Godmother and her children this week by sharing a very happy news for our family (my cousin got engaged over the weekend, which is great news when in the last year our family has faced the dead of my grand-mother and a murder-suicide of 3 other family members)... . the thing is, I refused to call my grand-father (which I usually call each day)until I heard that he was told the great news in fear of talking too fast. How did I find out? My Godmother called me (which she hasn't done in over 2 years since she's in full out war with my mother... . which I made very clear to both that I was not taking sides and didn't want to hear about it) screaming at me and giving me all the names in the book of swears. We all know it doesn't take much to tip our SO into the "darkness" (that's how I like to compare it too), you can only imagine what my house was like last night after my husband heard all that was said to me (he was in a good place last night before the call). It took me all night to calm him down, because he was in full out rage at the words that were said to me (he does not accept disrespect to his wife from anyone... . not even himself. The only time he disrespected me in almost 19 years was the time he completely lost it, before the diagnostic, therapy and medication). The last thing I wanted is for this craziness bring him down when he has worked so hard to be in a good place. I know this morning he was still fuming and was very easily unbalanced emotionally (from being OK to sad to angry) I know this has nothing to do with BPD (except how my dBPDh reacted), but I just needed to share with someone who knows just how much damage this little call can do in a house like ours. Title: Re: When dealing with a pwBPD isn't enough, here comes family drama. Post by: briefcase on January 31, 2013, 09:57:52 AM I want to make sure I understand, and I may be a bit confused. Why did your godmother call you and scream at you? What exactly was the communication issue that promoted your godmother's meltdown? That you didn't share this happy news with your grandfather? Why would your godmother care about that? Is she related to you?
I think I do understand the concern about your husband's reaction to hearing about this. When we share these kinds of things with a BPD partner, it can feel a little like letting the animal out of its cage. Even though his anger and raw emotion isn't directed at you, its still "in the room." The danger is that his emotions and reactions to this can easily ecclipse and interfere with your emotions over this, making it harder for you to process. All you want/need from him is a sympathetic ear and support, you don't need him to get angry on your behalf. Unfortunately, that's kind of the nature of BPD, he doesn't really see the emotional boundary between the two of you. This is now something your godmother did to him. Title: Re: When dealing with a pwBPD isn't enough, here comes family drama. Post by: Foreverhopefull on January 31, 2013, 10:46:14 AM The communication issue is that she was accusing me of telling my grand-father the news before my cousin did it himself, without knowing if I had. She is related to me, she's my mother's sister.
I made sure to talk to my husband a few minutes ago, he was calmer and more sympathetic. He did ask what I was going to do about it (sounded like he wanted me to say I was plotting revenge or something). I told him that I would do what is the best option, be civilized with her when I see her at family events, but otherwise I will not communicate with her at all. I had done nothing wrong, so it's her issue not mine. I will ensure though that my cousin is fully aware that I did not share his good news and that I continue to wish him nothing but the best in this new path in life. He wasn't too happy about my response, but agreed it was best. He said he thought I was letting her walk all over me. My response helped him understand why I wasn't plotting revenge or something like that... . Honey, did you hear me screaming or saying anything offensive to her? No. Why? Because she was looking for a reason to cut me out of her life since the fight between her and mom started 5 years ago, she created that reason herself. Like I said, it's her choice, not mine. I will respect her choices and that's all. This subject is closed and that's the end of this drama. If there is something I have learned from BPD, communication is key, as well as staying calm and mindful of what I want and who I am. In a way, I wished he wasn't BPD so I could be more emotional and show more of my hurt about the venom that was thrown at me. It would be nice not to explain this but rather just have a good cry on his shoulder. BTW, we used to be a very close knit family. |