BPDFamily.com

See original post:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=186794.msg12141784#msg12141784

Since that post I have not seen her face to face.  I dismantled our life together, packed up her things piece by piece, her daughters things, etc and she sent her parents to retrieve their belongings. 

As I indicated in the other post the online dating account shenanigans was the proverbial straw.  To put a finer point on it: being harangued for 3 straight days about my level of commitment while that crap was going on behind the scenes I would not stand.  Dude cannot abide.  It’s actually funny in retrospect that I was willing to entertain a conversation about it however she was unable or unwilling to not lie, dismiss or blame me for her actions so no conversation was to be had. 

I didn’t mention in the previous post something her mother said to me in the ER that weekend.  Well it was a question she posed to me, “Do you believe she (my dBPDex) had cancer?”  This coming from a person who just retired from a career in medicine.  My answer was, “I think she did but I couldn’t prove it.”  Two bouts with breast cancer.  Ten months of treatment the first time and 6 the second.  As I packed her belongings I looked for prescription bottles, medical receipts, etc.  Nothing.  Without going into too much detail which would be easy for me to do, the long and the short of it is: Her first round of treatment she swore me to secrecy from her mother because her mother would “meddle” and make the process more difficult to bear.  I was not allowed to come to treatments with her.  Her “second” bout I forced her to include family because I couldn’t bear to be the lone support system.  Anyway, recently I spoke to a friend who’s intimately involved in the process, a counselor and breast cancer survivor (probably should have done more research at the time, right?) who explained to me the process, aftermath, side effects, physical visible damage done as a result of procedures and while I can’t prove she didn’t have it I can definitively say that the following things she said did happen did not:

Lumpectomy (no scar, no deformation, no size discrepancy.  Google search and you’ll see it’s hard to miss)

Removal of lymph nodes (again no scar, no drain tube, etc)

Chemo therapy (for any period of time, she indicated thinning hair but given her age and how they would have treated it she should have lost it all, treatment regimen she said she was doing is not done)

Radiation treatment (no burns, sensitivity, visible redness, etc.)

Which leaves two possibilities;  Either a) she has completely disregarded/ignored treatment or b) she lied.

I suppose either option fits with the disorder.

I’ll circle back to this in a min.

Meanwhile she found a new bf within 2 weeks.  I know him but only as a regular at the bar where I worked.  He dated an employee who worked there at the time who until now was atop the list of most worthless people I’ve been in the room with.  So what better mark for my ex?  I mean if he dated that POS how could he possibly turn her down?  Anyway, I realize it’s something of a blessing for me cause she’s left me alone for the most part.  It bothers me but not in the sense that I’m longing for her.  I don’t want her back.  It’s bothersome for a bunch of reasons not least of which is cause he’s military and for 3 years she would harp on about how women are looking for trouble by marrying military guys and now her social media is filled with wedding dresses, cakes and other crap.  Again, marry him for all I care.  I feel bad for him, really.  Someone should warn him.

I realize that in a macro-grand-scheme-of-things sense: I’m better off.  I am thankful every day that I didn’t marry her or, worse, have kids with her. 

But I am not OK.

I am consumed with anger and rage.  I space out and snap out of it an hour later realizing I’ve been concocting scenarios of confrontations, sabotage and revenge.  It’s been almost 3 months and I’m getting worse.  I look back on the last 3 years and think, “what a fool, sucker, idiot, I was.”  Marriage talks after two months?  I remember that.  It sent up a flag for me at the time but I ignored it.  Why? Being called a pussy told to “Man up” for insisting that being slapped in the face is never ok, a deal breaker, GTFO. But it happened again and again. Why?  That’s just the tip of the iceberg on the self doubt end of the spectrum.  Throw in what the hell is wrong with me that I chose to be in a relationship with that?  How can I trust myself to pick a stable one the next time around?  On and on…

Then there’s the other side:  the rage at being used.  I’m 90% sure the cancer was a lie.  I think she had a lump, they did a biopsy which turned out negative and she decided to run with it the other way.  Lied about treatments for however many months, “remission” and when things got chaotic again decided “relapse.”  Who does that?  If anything it’s incredibly bad karma.  I kid but then again it’s true.  How does it square in someone’s mind this is ok to do to friends, co-workers, etc just to get their SO to dote on them?  All the people that are unknowingly complicit in the lie.  The co-workers that supposedly took her to/from treatment.  And I’m not even talking about me yet.  Emotional rape is what it was.  The fear, sadness, worry about it.  The related need to suppress all of that to be strong for her.  Worrying about what happens with her daughter if it kills her.  Worrying about passing on the gene to our kids.  For what? So she could feel better about herself?  To calm her demons?

I’ve received 3 texts from her since everything was “finalized”.  I have responded to none of them.  They are as follows:

“surprise… online gaming again.”  Whatever, nice that you’re stalking me around the internet.

“merry Christmas.  I wish you and your family all the best this year.”  Weird.

“I was hanging out with some people tonight and your ex came up. I’m sure you know this but her brother passed away last month from some kind of brain cancer unexpectedly.  It really broke my heart for her and I thought if u didn’t already know u would probably want to.  That’s it.”   Rage!

I wrote a scathing email in response to the last one.  Didn’t send it.  I’m angry about the fact that not sending it is the right thing to do.  I’m just angry.  I spent years learning how to “detach with love” and “separating the disease from the person”.  It’s not clicking here.  At all.  I get that standard conscience and identity don’t apply with this disorder.  It’s providing zero comfort.  She’s running around playing fantasy land (and I know it’ll end the way it always does but it’s no solace) while I’m devastated, broken and destroyed. 

I want to get answers.  I want to seek out her mother and find out what she knows.  Why would she ask that question in the ER?  Would there be closure or catharsis there?  Would definitively knowing that the last three years was a fabrication provide peace?  Would the darker impulses?  I want to have a beer with her current and warn him partly cause no one deserves what she does but also out of desire to sabotage.  I want to go to her ex husband and clue him into why she, to this day, laughs about stabbing him in the arm with a fork and to give him as many tools as i can to rip her daughter away from her including offering to testify against.  All those people unknowingly complicit in her lies... .  I want to clue them in.  Again, because they deserve to know but more because I want to tear down her world.

I know I’m not right in the head.  Misery loves company.  While I may be destined for hell it'll be a slightly better place if I see her there.  I worry that on some level BPD is contagious.  Clearly there’s a whole heap of trust issues I have to sort through now.  Abandonment?  I’m pretty worried about the future prospect of that now as well.  Sense of self?  I thought I had a handle on it but that’s doubtful because there were so many red flags and they got ignored.

I want comeuppance, restitution, retribution.  Like I said before I don’t want her back.  The “ten beliefs that can get you stuck” do not apply here.  I want her existence in my life erased.  I want the last 3 years of my life back.  As I can’t get that back I fantasize about being the hand of karma.  I know I know it’s not healthy.  Let go you say.  I know but it’s just not happening.  God I hope this is a phase but I’ve been betrayed by the closest of friends, lied to, cheated on and all the rest anyone’s gone through in their lives and this is unlike all of that.  It’s not fading.  At the moment I do not have the means for professional help.  I am financially wrecked on top of everything and am having trouble functioning day to day in order to get the means. 

I realize there aren't really any questions in the wall of text above.  I think maybe putting all this out there in the ethos, thus "doing something", may help.  I'm not sure.  And that's irritating as well.

About getting answers... .  

I have accepted that the things I don't know were probably worse than I could imagine.

No amount of additional information or answers - whether good or bad -could really change the situation. The few pieces of truth that I have were enough for me to say goodbye.

Clear away the ashes and rubble. Find the solid ground of yourself underneath it all and rebuild on that.

In varying degrees, we here all have to do that. Grab a shovel and a broom and let's work.

Alls I can say is your not alone. I had anger for a VERY long time. I did send him the emails. I know. Wrong. But, I felt better. And believe it or not it must not have hurt him all that much because he came back a few times. I'm not recommending you send that email. The professional recommendation is to write it and don't send it. I've been through a lot of things in my life including death of loved one's. Nothing effected me as badly and as long as this relationship did. You have to find an outlet for your anger. I don't know were that outlet could be. Here perhaps.

All I can say is I feel you pain. I am glad I found this forum. I have been on for about a week and it feels healing.

Here a a few of my gripes just so you know you aren't alone:

1. found out in the summer that she was still married to her "ex hubi" - she went back to him when she abandoned me. He was abisive, I am not - a nice guy. This is apparently common - something attracts them to abusers - weird. I actually feel sorry for him but he should know better (still addicted to her after 5 years separated).

2. I joined an internet dating site. Guess whose profile I ran into? The photo was from before we were together. Now I wonder what she was up to in our periods of detachment ... .  

I too am glad she's gone ... .  it will be some time healing. Now I know what to avoid!

I feel for you. When I finally left for the last time, I thought I'm quite ok, I had changed myself, was ok with everything... .  and then I was in horrible anger for 3 months. All the things I thought I had forgotten (I made myself to forget) came out and I was furious, and definitely did not remember I was not an angel myself either. Then suddenly... .  the anger went away. Just like that. Be angry, be rightfully angry but don't let her know, it allows you to keep your dignity. If you know you have to be angry for some time and go through all the crap you have taken, it helps.

About the cancer... .  my sister has breast cancer (she is only 38 years old) and I can say the treatments are so heavy you can't fake them. My sister has no hair at all, and many getting treatments are so sick they have to stay in hospital. She has a big scar in her breast, other in armpit. I can't believe someone can lie about having a cancer... but some people do anything to get attention and to feel important.