BPDFamily.com

First punch:  This weekend I'm going to a gathering where everyone's reading a poem.  I have written several over the years and I went through my list.  I came across one with a title I didn't recognize, opened and bam--the love poem I wrote for my ebBPD after the four days we spent together when we first met (we had a LDR for many months).  Oh my god, it was awful... .  I was so in love, I thought this was a miracle.  As I saw that and my heart started thudding in my chest I kind of wish I'd died before the betrayals started--when I thought finally, finally I had found true love; when my father whom I adored was still alive.  I would have been happy then. 

Then I log onto my FB account--and he has linked something really funny and right up my alley... .  via this new girl he is "sort of" dating.  (He says he doesn't want to have a relationship, and he doesn't want casual sex, but he wants a female companion.  I don't get it, but it makes sense to him.  The last I knew about this girl, she was in a long-term relationship with another woman who was transgendered (female to male) and they were quite happy.  I have no idea what the hell is going on.)  He probably didn't even think about it. 

I have WORK I need to be doing, I am a freelancer, I have to be creative, and all I can do is sit here and shake. I had a sobbing fit earlier, missing him and my father, and now this.   I think I will drop him an email and ask him to please not link things from this girl or any others he might be pursuing.  I really don't want to have to see her name on my wall--not after all the cheating and betrayal that has gone on. 

And curse me for a fool if I don't want to call him and say "let's give this another shot." 

Clarifying that he linked this to MY page.  I am endeavoring hard not to go onto his page at all, precisely because I don't want to see this sort of thing. 

C4S ... .  I'm pretty sure there is a FB setting that can keep his crap from showing up on your page. Thank god mine doesn't use facebook, but if he did we wouldn't be "friends". 

If I unfriend him on FB, he has said he doesn't want to be friends with me at all.  And I still hope that once I'm done and through this, we can still be friends.  So I've been running with chat turned off and not looking at his page and with all notifications/newsfeed turned off as well.  I was OK with him occasionally posting links or "liking" something, but I didn't expect to see her name up there.

Here is what I'm planning on sending him:

Hey... .  hope you are doing well.  Dropping you a line because I'd appreciate it if you'd clarify something for me. 

First, I want to assure you that we both agree that you absolutely have the right to do anything with anyone you want to, and post it on your page.  But you have told me to ask, not to make assumptions, so I would just like to clarify something in my head. 

I saw that you linked "with Jane Doe" the Tuesday of your date after you had dropped me an email, so obviously it was she whom you were referencing, and you described it as a "casual/friends thing".  Then the "XYZ" link also "with Jane Doe."  Is this the Jane of L-- and Jane?  Did they break up, or is it an open relationship?  are you guys "just friends" or are you interested in developing something with her? 

I ask because it was a bit of a shock to see her name up on my FB page (from your link), and I'd kind of like to know what the situation is so I can know facts and not go galloping off telling myself stories.

Thank you!"


I haven't sent this yet. 

Did not send it.  Tried to redirect my energies by looking forward to my first time singing with a local chorus group tonight.  I had missed two of the first rehearsals because of other commitments so it was my first time finding the place at the local college music building.  I could not find them.  A nice student tried to help me find where they were rehearsing but nada. 

I have a terrible headache and an urge to do something very unhealthy to self-soothe.  Like eating a dozen cookies or drinking alone.  I know where he is, he goes to a gathering at a brewpub every Thursday, where he met this girl and an entirely new social group.  I have NO social group, no one, and I feel like every time I try to get up I'm just knocked back over again.

I hate this so much.  I'm so sick of trying to be strong and be positive.  I'm so glad I went back on the antidepressants.

Thank you to Trouble11 for posting.  I had hoped to hear from other folks, feeling very alone tonight.  If you're out there, holla back.  *feeble attempt at humor*

It seems you did the right thing not sending it.

I think I've seen a few people give this advice on this sort of thing:  "If you're worried about what they might be doing/thinking, then just go ahead and assume it's awful and painful and something you don't really want to know... .  and then stop worrying about what it might or might not be."

I'm paraphrasing, but I think I've seen that sentiment here, and the notion helps me in a weird way.

Was my wife cheating on me?  Is she lying in bed with another man right now?  Is she telling him that his love and his touch is like something otherworldly that she never, ever felt from me?

Those are painful notions, but they are probably true.  And if they aren't, then something else awful is in their place.  That's the way it is.  This is a nightmare... .  all of it.  We've all experienced a waking nightmare.

The nightmare doesn't get better.  We can't dig deep into it and try to find some way that it's not as bad as it seems like it could be.  When we're doing that, then we're still in the darn nightmare... .  and they still have the power to hurt us.  The only way out is to wake up.

Your message is very kindly written, but I suspect it translates to you saying "I just wanted to let you know that you still have the power to hurt me... .  just in case that need for you ever arises again."

You want him to give you the facts, but the most important fact he could ever tell you is the one that he never will:  That he's sick, and he'll never be able to be anything good for you.

All in all, I don't know if eating a dozen cookies is necessarily such a terrible idea.

Just_Me_500, thank you for your words of wisdom.  You're right.  I think he has noticed that I haven't been posting on his page and he did this as a way to kind of tug on my sleeve.  And oh yes, that's what the message was... .  please don't link her on my page because it hurts.  I don't think he did it in a mean-spirited way, that's not the way his illness works.  He will fillet me six ways from Sunday when he's raging, but he's not a calculating jab you in the side and and then say "Hey, you're over-reacting" person. 

I think it was sincerely meant as a link to something I would enjoy, and so I "liked" it... .  and then hid it from my newsfeed.  Everyone else can see it but I don't have to look at it any more.   :)

Thank you also for the laugh at the end!  I think I will settle down with a good book and some milk and cookies, then go to bed early.  And then get up and try to slog through things again.  It's so exhausting, and one feels so alone.

Yeah, I didn't mean he would see it as an opportunity to be malicious - mine isn't like that either.  I just meant that it sends the signal that you are still engaged to his actions, and that often seems to come back to get us.

For me, I sent my ex-wife a somewhat similar message that I came to consider my "being a dog laying on my back and showing I'm vulnerable" message.  The basic point was just that I wanted her to know that she still had the power to hurt me, and I wanted us to mutually and respectfully decide to stop hurting one another.  She responded directly to this message favorably enough, and generally with kindness.

But then later, once triggered (by what I guess I don't know), my decision to reveal my vulnerability to her showed itself to be a very clear mistake on my part.  She wouldn't hurt me just for the sake of it, but she'd hurt me in every way she could possibly manage during the moments she was convinced it was necessary or appropriate (moments which came altogether too often).

Even if she had never attacked me later, I can still see that I was just simply giving her too much power over my emotions.  I don't regret doing it, though.  It was a mistake, I suppose, but it was part of my learning process.  Much of my detaching has involved making every mistake possible... .  but making them each just once.

Good luck with your tomorrow.  I'll be slogging through things as well.  Hang in there.

Well, I did have milk and cookies, but I did not get to bed early.  That's another thing--I keep staying up later and later and sleeping in (I freelance, so my hours are my own, but that doesn't mean I can just squander them--I have work to do).  I've had such a hard time focusing, I just keep getting derailed. 

Yes, sadly, I am still engaged to his actions.  I totally get your wanting to say that you both should decide to stop hurting each other.  But then again, I don't have BPD.  :/ 

I am used to giving people power over me, "I'm vulnerable, you can hurt me, please don't."  I know this comes from my FOO, and I've come back to that in this and other relationships.   I admire your ability to make mistakes only once.  I'm afraid I just kept trying and making the same ones over and over and over. 

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better one! |iiii

Changed... .  Sorry for your pain. The mind never seems to stop and does not stay on one thing or even feel logical. I am only a week broke up and no contact since Tuesday. I have learned so much on here especially for the breakup. I know despite the idea she is not at fault for who she is, it does not mean I have to be abused, lied to, cheated on, yelled at, screamed at, called names, or put down in any way. I have been trying to "help" and "fix" that for 2 years. I would take anything to keep the peace. I have been so constantly anxious for the past 5 months (back together 5 months ago) all my time was spent putting out fires and figuring out how to, when to end it. I'm hoping she doesn't call or text because it has been  a good few days without deciding whether to answer it or not. I said all that in order to say, I could never be "friends" with her. The feelings of love I'm sure are there and that's what's going to take a while to water down I imagine. I just don't think my wounds would start to heal if I had her on facebook or any other contact. I would not have her on my friends list for the past year because it was such a source of tension. She tried to Friend me a little before chistmas. I wanted to talk about it before I would accept it and she lost it right in Sam's Club, took out her phone and blocked me. Huh? I have to stay away from connecting her with social things at all.  I feel like I am doing better this week, however still major anxiety. I'm sure it's ptsd from all this. I understand the urge to write a letter, but it leads to stepping back. I realize I am not strong at this point and willpower would do nothing for me. I have to use this site, take the suggestions, get around friends, and keep busy. This so hard and I feel really disjointed from a lot of things. My entire life was engulfed with her and her little boy until a week ago, so there is a lot of time that I have on my hands. I have plenty of things I could, should, and would be doing, but that hasn't happened yet. I am trying to relax, focus on forgiving me and being patient with me. Bamo! she just texted me, just now as I am writing this. 1st time in 4 days. I have to erase it. That quick and now I have to make sure I don't over react and get myself worked up... I can feel my heartrate starting to rise. I just want this to end. Pray for me.

I am so sorry... .  their timing is uncanny sometimes... .  it's as if they "know".     I'll pray for you and you can pray for me--we will get through this, you and I and everyone else here who was left in one way or another bloodied and reeling. 

Today's been a little better, though my lack of focus is really starting to scare me.  I am busy all weekend with fun things, so will just relax into that and begin again on Monday.  It's the best I can do right now.  Went to the grocery store and bought lots of healthy, quick to prepare foods so I can nourish myself. 

Hang in there and so will I!