BPDFamily.com

I do not believe that my uBPDh understands that his behavior has a direct (or any) impact on others.  I think he really believes that we (his family), apparently, are just rude, unloving and out to make his life miserable. 

I have tried to tell him calmly and out of the storm that when he walks in the door or calls on the phone and immediately starts a diatribe about how horrible everything and everyone (inside and outside our little family world) is, it doesn't generate warm fuzzies for being in his company.  I used to try to defend ... .  myself, one of the kids, the dog, the cat, the grocery store, the economy, the President, Vladimir Putin... .  now, I try to just listen silently and at the first opportunity change the subject or escape.  Neither approach - being defensive or silent - seems to work or help.  According to him, he is just trying to have a conversation.

I kind of don't even really hear what he says anymore (because I have heard the same things over and over and over and... .  ), so validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) is a little challenging.

How do I get BPDh to understand that his behavior directly affects the response he is getting from us?

martillo!  We go through very similar things, I feel for you.

I don't think they have any idea the impact they are having on others.  Even if they do, they think we deserve it because we're bad. 


I get a lot of that  lol

Sometimes I know he's trying to provoke me into an argument so I'll keep my answers short, and then he'll say, "I was just trying to have a conversation with you.  You are so rude/ so difficult to talk to etc." 

I don't think we can get them to understand anything, unfortunately... .  or maybe I'm wrong.  If somebody has any ideas, enlighten us please!

When they dysregulate they do not see what they do to others with their negative and draining behavior.  that is why our boundaries have to be in place.  Never try to reason with them at this point because it only escalates them into rage.  They have no ability to reason beyond a 4 year old.   We must not get drawn into their black clouds... .  if they insist then we have to leave for a while.  Mine is like a stuck record when he is obsessing over something... .  after many years of yelling I have finally got it... .  Now when he simply won't stop no matter how many times I tell him I need him to stop talking, I leave the house.   I have actually heard him continue the conversation with himself as i am leaving because he can't stop.   When I return he is totally normal again... he had no choice but to stop because he had no audience and it just fizzled out.   once it is stopped he returns to calmness (well, more calm than when he is raging... lol

I guess I am the complainer in my situation.

Mine just walks quietly off and does his thing and 1 year later the baby pops out of nowhere, or 3 months later I find out I was effed over and hadn't realized it.

Then he says he is tired of me being upset let's move on and stop being stuck in the past...

My partner constantly complains to me that her mum doesn't have time to listen to her because her mum always accuses her of complaining all the time... That what you mean?

Lack of, or low, empathy levels, means they are often oblivious to their impact on others, especially when their emotions are up.

Black and white thinking also means they rarely have a balanced view, so if they are 50/50 black/white that means 50% of their conversation is blaming and complaining.

Not a huge amount you can do about it, it is the way they are wired. To point it out is just further justification as to why you are mean. They are also likely to complain that you are always complaining... !

Yeah, this rings a bell with me, too. My dBPDbf rarely smiles when he comes to see me at work f.ex and usually his opening remark is something negative about one thing or another. And he goes on for a while. The ironic thing is that he often chastises me for being too negative or down claiming that he is ALWASY in a good mood 

I go through the very same things that you all have said.  My bf loves to mutter under his breath and say terribly disparaging things about me when he's in that "mood" which is very disturbing to me, but I've learned to ignore it.  I don't even want to know what he's spewing because I've heard it all a million times and it ain't pretty!  At that moment, he really hasn't a clue how hurtful he can be and often doesn't even know that he's said certain things, but when he regroups he has terrible guilt over being so nasty to me which just reenforces his feelings of being a horrible person unworthy of love. 

Point is that everything he's ever accused me of being is directly related to how he is feeling about himself at that moment and really has nothing to do with me.  I've told him that there are times that it seems he's talking to someone else instead of me and for whatever reason, that clicked with him.  He's been less likely gripe and complain or to throw me under the bus lately.

Martillo hi,

I have to say, I loved this line: 

"I used to try to defend ... .  myself, one of the kids, the dog, the cat, the grocery store, the economy, the President, Vladimir Putin... .  "

You gave me a smile and a little chuckle when I needed one. What we experience re dealing with a BPD family member or healing from one is rarely funny, so I am not laughing at you, but... .  sometimes it's all so over the top it gets absurd.

Peace to you,

DogDancer



 

@Chosen - yes, we do have much in common.  I am usually a "skulker" but I typed this topic in frustration, hit post and then went back to the list and immediately read your post about the "gauntlet."  We must have been telepathing our thoughts!  I think there was recently a reality show called "The Gauntlet" with the object being for the player to cross an obstacle course without being knocked off course by the spinning, swinging, shifting hazards... .  sounds like home!

@Amaris - I have left the house quite often when he dysregulated in the past and will do so in the future. I don't go as much now because he has at least figured out that my blank stare and gritted teeth as I walk out of the room means I am done.  And then usually once I leave, it is like nothing happened.  Huh?

@elemental  My uBPDh is of the high functioning, outward expressing variety, but even so, sometimes, I am blindsided by some horrible thing that I have done that I didn't even know I had done.  And I am supposed to leave his transgressions in the past while he never "archives" anything.  Very frustrating

@ Waverider  I can dream, can't I, that someday something will click and he will get it?

@Scarlet Phoenix  My H tells me that he is always in a good mood and that I drag him down because I am so depressing and depressed.  For several years, before I figured out that perhaps he had some life issues, I really questioned myself. 

@Rockylove  I know I dream that at some point something will click w H, but so far in 22 years not much has clicked so I am glad that your SO has some insight.

@DogDancer  Glad I was able to give you a chuckle.  If I didn't laugh sometimes, I'd cry and I'd much rather laugh!