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I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I had become very close with my ex's oldest daughter and now she won't even talk to me. She in fact was one that was telling me to stay away from her dad because he was just going to keep hurting me. Maybe she is thinking that I am just using her to find things out about him. I don't know. Maybe there is a part of me that is. It's still hard letting go of my friendship with her.

perhaps your ex has painted you black as the persecutor, himself as the victim, and his daughter as the rescuer.  His daughter may be feeling extremely pressured to not communicate with you as that would be 'betraying' her father.  She may not even believe that you are the villain, but is pacifying him to avoid the pain for herself.

She is going to stay loyal to her dad - it is her dad, try not to take it personally.

Detaching, unfortunately, means detaching from more than just our pwBPD - it makes the grief that much deeper.  It doesn't feel fair and it does hurt.

Hang in there,

SB

She has always told me that her and I would be friends no matter what. She knows her dad has issues. Although, I am wondering, I have read that this is heritary. Looking back on things, she is 25 years old. Left her husband and kids, came back here, hooked up with another man right away, which I think was lined up before she left and married him. I had always had some feelings of being used by her. I babysat her kids many times while I was living there. One time really sticks in my mind. It was memorial weekend and she had mentioned maybe you can come with us on the boat this weekend. I was all excited and when the weekend came around, I was asked to babysit. No mention of me coming along. I felt very hurt and used. I don't know maybe the apple did'nt fall far from the tree.

Whether she is BPD or not is really irrelevent considering she was raised by someone with BPD traits.   From what you describe - her coping skills seem a bit immature as well.

Tell me more about feeling hurt and used by her

I actually had that feeling right from the start. Not sure why. She was so happy and tried so hard to keep us together. She said she was so  glad her dad finally found someone different from the rest of his previous women, but it seemed like the whole time I was living there I was nothing more than her babysitter when all else failed. I did it because I knew how hard it was to rely on sitters when you have to work, but it just seemed as if she was using me. When we would go out to eat or anything, guess who paid? Now she has no use for me, so she won't communicate either. I'm not sure what she is thinking. It could be that she does'nt want to be the go between.

you said you feel hurt and used... .  is it possible that she may have idealized you in a similar way as her father?

did you enjoy baby sitting or did you do it so that she would like you also?  meaning, did you both have hidden agendas perhaps?

I guess I am guilty of a little of both. I miss my kids and grandkids as they have all moved to a different area and I enjoyed having the kids from time to time, but I guess I also did it because I wanted her to like me too.

I think maybe I was hoping to keep an allie in the family because I knew he tried to turn them all against me when I was living there and its so hard to take that when all you are trying to do is make them happy. I wanted someone on my side.

Michael, you are right on that one too. When I was still living there and he decided to end our relationship and move on to yet another one, the kids would not even talk to me in front of him. They would wave to me behind his back. His youngest daughter who is 13, most definately choses to side in with him in order to avoid conflict. She is afraid of him. Its so sad.

It is great that you can see through all the dynamics for your own emotional healing.

I found that I missed certain things that made me tolerate being used - a give and take - but I didn't really think I would actually lose friendships from the BPD relationship.

Turtle talks about how after the BPD relationship she found herself weeding through friends too - I have had this experience also.  It touches on that core loneliness and such.

I think you know this already - but you are best served letting her go also... .  it is hard to grieve all these losses at one time.

,

SB

Yes you are right and I do know that. It has been very difficult to talk to her and not bring up her dad. I don't want to put her in the middle.