BPDFamily.com

To sanemom with anxious features.   :)

Usually, I am fine with the drama, we even laugh about the craziness most of the time.  But every once in a while (especially when BPD mom seems to be getting some traction with the kids) my anxiety creeps up again. 

I have managed to get myself into a better place again.  DH said that even before the court stuff, BPD mom tried to play MOTY at times.  He suggested I write a chapter in my next book called "Slot Machine Parent"--LOL!  (I am not writing a book---dh just thinks I should--maybe WE will when the kids are old enough).

I've recently done the same sanemom.The important thing for us to remember is that we can't control them.We can only control ourselves and use our boundaries to protect us from too much anxiety. When we know something is amiss and the drama continues,go no contact. :)

Right now the problem is not OUR contact, it is seeing the boys (12 and 14) getting manipulated by her sudden attention to them as she tries to get them to want to live with her (and at their ages, the courts here listen).  Just keep hoping they can see through it--DSD15 DOES live with her and she is still waiting for that promised driver's ed from a year ago... .  (she is about to be 16).

I've recently had to let go too. You know what I found out? SS sees much more than I give him credit for. I nearly fell off the bench in the courthouse waiting room when I heard that he had told the GAL he wanted to keep 50/50, even with all of his mother's efforts at alienation and bribery. And the only thing my SO said to him prior to court was to "be honest" about how he felt with his GAL.  The tipping point for SS seemed to be that his adult (BPD) sister was in town to "vote against" his father (SS's words-he heard them talking about her testifying) and this made him angry. He wanted to "vote against" her in court. SO told him just to be honest, not to try to counter his sister's "vote".

It's been really hard for me to let go, I'm a very anxious person. But it's helped our relationship with SS because he has one home where there is no pressure to "choose".

Anxiety is common for many of us. If you look at the "roller coaster" term that is so often used to describe our situations, it makes sense. It's not knowing what's around the corner and the anticipation of the "drop" - the up the down - and I personally don't really like roller coasters.

A wise soul here used to have me specifcally spell out why I was anxious. Lean into the fear and talk about it.

What is it that you are so afraid of, sanemom? What is your worst case scenario?

Losing the boys to an every other weekend status?

I am not anxious at all at this moment so this is a harder one to answer.  I think I am most anxious about two things--

1.  She manages to turn the boys against dh, they lose their access to a free college education (because they are living with her--if they live with us, they get one through my work), and my dh gets depressed because his sons are gone (I lost my first marriage to depression--it wasn't pretty)

2.  How much more work am I going to have to do to pay for these lawyers and her games.  I want to enjoy my family more.  I work Saturday mornings for extra money, and I feel like I miss out.

But right now, like I said, I am not feeling anxious... .  maybe because she is suddenly being all nicey-nice, which makes me think she realizes she is in a no-win situation and will stop fighting.  I really can't imagine how we would lose the boys at this point.  They want to stay, and they told the GAL that.  My best guess is that the GAL talked with BPD mom and let her know he can't really help her this time.  She hasn't paid him yet, and we are at a standstill because he won't finish the evaluation unless he gets paid.  But our lawyer has made repeated calls to the GAL over the past month so the GAL knows we want him to get done.

All that to say that at this point in the rollercoaster ride, I am not anxious.