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I feel like everything she said about me was true. Is this possible?

It was almost like they wern't even her words... .  I hate the things she said about me, they really hit to the core and came out of nowhere. Some of what she said was true... .  but it felt like she pointed out everything that is wrong with me and I do feel terrible about myself... .  I tried to do my best, but now i feel that if someone with her issues would think so poorly of me who would ever want me? I said things back as well... .  things that must have hurt, but honestly I don't think she cared about one word i said... .  i mean she screamed at me while I was crying over her breaking up with me one time... .  who does that? In any case, I have probably said a lot of mean things to her over time... .  so maybe i deserved it.

I don't want to be the person that she made me out to be... .  

her: "a judgemental snob who alienated everyone in his life and uses his intelligence to make other people feel bad about themselves". or " so annoying around other people, trying to get them to like me and acting like i'm better than everyone else"... .  "why were you so nice to the people in my life, when you are telling me they aren't good for me... .  you're trying to control and isolate me. I don't ever hear you say anything nice about anybody, except for your business partner... .  and that just happened lately." "You are overdramatic. I relapsed, was mean to you, and moving out. You don't have to worry about me contacting you with your "no contact" I never want to contact you again. I hate you. I was pretending to be in love with you, because I felt guilty." "Please just leave me alone and stay out of my life. This is getting to be like harrassment, you don't want that on your record, do you? What would your friends and family think about you then? You think that everyone else has problems and you don't. look at you. I can't do this anymore, you are acting like a psychotic jerk which is what you claim not to be and that I am. Whatever, I am moving away and you will never know what happens to me."

me: "yes but you threatened me. You threatened to cut off my genitals, you threatened to kill me several times and you kept threatening to move out... .  and so im like go! Go get some help for your psychological problems. Don't go hurt any more innocent people... .  "

"I contacted the people in your life because I care about you and with all the incest talk, and relapse, and your dad dying and the violent threats... .  I couldn't handle it on my own! You can hate me forever... .  please, please go get therapy. Please go see a therapist that specializes in complex-ptsd or borderline personality disorder. I know what you are capable of, i just want to see you to live a fulfilling life. that would make me happy."

her: "Im crying now... .  if you were a friend, you wouldn't be telling me i had a mental-illness all of the time!"

me: "Yes, but during moments of clarity... .  you know you are suffering from something else. You told me!"

her: "I can't do this anymore... .  go live your life, I dont want to be the cause of your unhappiness anymore."

"But stay away from me and any of my people. If you talk to any of my friends or family ever again I am going to file harrassment, and that is not a threat, that is a promise. You betrayed me, I never told anyone about your crazy behaviors... .  "

me: "what crazy behaviors?"

her: "you really don't think you have a problem? Everyone else around has a problem except for you? Look at you! You have no friends, you talk bad about everybody, and you think you are better than everybody else."

me: "I have no friends, because you used to threaten to cheat on me or breakup with me when we were younger and also my friends around here kind of suck anyways. Besides i took out all this stress from you on them, and Im going to apologize."

her: " I said i was sorry. No matter what i have done its never been enough whether good or bad. I could never meet your expectations. Im done with this just forget about me... .  it kills me to think im the cause of your unhapiness."


----2 days later-on new years-----

her: Im going to pray for you and your business in 2013.

her: I hope you surround yourself with friends and family.

her: I hope you let people love you.

her: I have some soul searching to do and need to be alone for awhile. and im okay with that.

her: Since you dont have the same problems i do with intimacy, you can find someone to be initimate with in your next relationship.

her: Im sorry this happened the way that it did.

me: I dont understand. How can you be sorry for something you had no control over. Where is your accountability in all of this.

her: I said I was sorry. Im not gonna go around apologizing to some one who fills my life with negativity all the time 24/7. All you do is nag, nag. When im feeling good you like to bring me down, and when im feeling bad you make me feel worse. You are miserable, we need time to heal in different ways... .  you have changed.

me: 2 weeks ago you told me i was the love of your life, we have known eachother for 4 years. You act like you don't even know me anymore. Talk about Jekyll and hyde.

her: You have changed in 2 months. I've seen a side of you I've never seen. I knew this was going to happen. I am just not in love with you anymore and i haven't been for three months, I'm tired of pretending!"

me: Ok i know that is not true. This relationship was special and sacred to me.

her: I understand what you mean about it being special.

... .  i dont remember the rest.

Oh dear, go back to the basics.  You are a kind thoughtful person.  A mentally ill person can't define you.  It's going through a disordered filter.  You can't put any credence with her illness to look at your stuff.  I see her twisting turning all over the place.  Don't let this seep into your view of yourself, it's a mess.

Stoic83, thank you for posting this. You are among friends here.  my-issues  :) And forgive me if I have a sense of humor about your posting -- this is exactly like what I got, except mine was decades ago. I journaled it at the time though, and I'm glad I did (and I think you will be glad of doing the same. Keep more if you can).

Answer to your question above: of course it's possible... .  that you feel this way.    :)

I felt the same way. Took me about two years to fight my way out of the magical reality I had gotten myself into, and realize that it wasn't true (not ALL of it, anyway  lol ). But I didn't know about BPD and didn't have this site. Hopefully it won't take you as long.

My uBPDxgf was a linguistic wizard and seemed to have a knack for finding and exaggerating my weak spots, or anything I might be convinced to believe was a weak spot, or anything that might confuse me enough to make me be convinced I might believe was a weak spot, or... .  --you get the idea.

I think if you read enough on this site you'll find plenty of examples similar to yours.

I also suggest you look at the remarkable posting by Careman today, in which he gives an overview, given to him by his experienced-with-BPD therapist, of how the BPD-non relationship plays out. It's great and I think will help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=186973.0

PP

Thank you so much Rose Tiger. This is what i needed to hear... .  thank you so much. I went and watched the super bowl today with a bunch of people amongst a few friends i haven't seen for a while. It felt so good and reminded me of who i truly am... .  a funny, shy, complimentary, guy who can talk on a lot of different levels and enjoy all types of people. I never try to make anybody else feel bad about themselves. If anything this relationship has made me MORE loving and drives me to do MORE good... .  i met some cute/nice girls who really seemed interested in what i had to say and were interested in getting to know me further. What a great day after a rough morning of getting it out!

I have to say that being in public around other women does make me sad and think about my exwBPD and that "connection" that I felt. Its weird to me that being around other women makes me think about her... .  or have a vivid flashback of a loving time that i do not experience by myself? Maybe this is why i act avoidant between relationship recycles? Now that i think about it between recycles i have had opportunites with attractive and driven women and i didn't follow through. It is hard for me to be around other women and not think about my ex and feel like i am betraying my heart by even just flirting with a woman.

I can not be a sitting duck when she comes back for me. I really want to create some new memories so i dont always associate "love" with her... .  i can barely remember any of my other girlfriends or how i felt with them... .  this relationship or anti-relationship rather, was so intense that my entire concept of love revolves around the relationship.

I am starting to feel love for my friends and other people again and it feels good! When i was with my exwBPD all my other relationships revolved around MY NEEDS, because i was getting so drained in the rs... .  this pushed my friends away, but they love seeing the old me again. I can see the nostalgic spark when i'm coming back to myself.

It felt good to see this younger guy who looks up to me... .  "Hey, man you've been MIA. How's the business going, I've heard it's been going good!"

Man it feels good to see people that remember me and wern't around through this mess to see me lose my marbles:) It's like a dream come true to feel like myself again! Yay!

Thanks rose tiger, for capping things off with such a kind validating statement... that is the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me. Thanks for seeing through my confusion and pain and seeing that i was kind and loving... .  my exBPD's mom's partner could tell i was a kind and loving person too... .  when i went and spilled the beans. It means so much to hear that... .  my mom who i think might have BPD says the worst things to me too I know that goes on a different board... .  but my friends have always told me i am kind and loving and deep and I have been a great friend.

I know inside that i am a very kind and loving person... its hard to see right now. But you saw it Rose tiger, you saw right through me:)

Much love to all of the support on here. I am eternally grateful.

Stoic

Hey buddy,

I read the post and it did help a lot thank you! It makes perfect sense why nothing i did seemed to work. I guess no matter how much i read that stated that the disorder never goes away, i wanted to believe, i wanted to have faith, i wanted to have a happy ending... .  even if it meant sacrificing my true hopes and desires for a requited love! Now i can rejoice in the fact that i can have a relationship with someone who can love me back.

On a sad note. The most loving action my exwBPD ever did was to let me go... .  and she did. She wants me to be loved back and she knows she can not. I know how she did it too. It was very smart.

She said "if i was your mother, i would never want you to be with a woman like me." And that was the closest she could come to empathy for me... .  she can not have empathy for a man.

Or maybe that was her pitying herself... .  painting herself black?

My mom definitely got painted white... .  because of what she said to my exwBPD on the phone when she was relapsing. I knew my mom would connect with her... .  because the two are cut from the same BPD cloth if you know what i mean. I was right... .  

She saw me get angry with my mom on the phone... .  and she absolutely flipped out on me. My mom is uhfBPD or maybe even NPD... .  no idea... .  but she can seem so empathetic... .  just like my ex wBPD... .  so confused... .  

My mom recently told me that she was mute, r**** when she was 5, and used to bang her head against the wall... .  abused by nazi caretaker, and neglected, taken to strip clubs by father at 14... .  etc.

In any case, my mom has push/pulled me all over my life... .  and when she said "if you dont come to christmas dinner, you are divorcing us as parents" that was the last straw for them too. No more emotional blackmail for me. That is the worst thing you can ever do to somebody as far as im concerned. Im tired of my own love being used as a weapon against me! Never again!

Stoic

I also realize that she was listening to me through the walls and would use self-criticism i had of myself against me to really twist the knife. For instance... .  i would tell my business partner "i always bite off more than i can chew"

And then later that nite in her rage, she would say "you always bite off more than you can chew. Why'd you have me move in here if you couldn't deal with it? You promised me that things were gonna be good, and they are not."

Me: "You are always looking for the problems... .  and never the solutions, let's focus on the solution"

Her: " I want to punch you in the face... .  ooh"

Me: " You want to punch me in the face? You are acting like a prison woman!"

Her: "You want to see prison woman. (comes in the kitchen and starts punching me)"

Me: "Laughing... .  she really hits me. Hard."

Me: " You are not allowed to hit me. You understand? That is my boundary... .  if you hit me again, I am leaving."

Her: " You are a baby. you don't stand up for yourself."

Me: " What am I supposed to do? I would never hit a woman... .  and you are being irrational so I'm leaving(it was obvious she wanted me to hit her)"

Her: " chases me out the gate... .  "

Me: " Don't you dare hit me again."

Her: "Pushes me in to the gate".


Me: (go sit in my car for 30 minutes and ask myself what the fk i got myself in to... .  4 years i've known her and I have never seen behavior this immature/violent... .  she is a fake!)

Me: Go back home... .  begrudgingly.


-----much later------

I looked through her phone while she was passed out drunk (after relapsing days later) to see what was going on with her and I find a text message from her mom and her recounting that incident... .  this is all i read. ( i was looking for calls from her sponsor or sister)

Text messages:

exwBPD: He told me i needed to stop looking at just the problems... .  and start looking for solutions... .  

her mom: What a baby! What a freak! Look at him on his high horse!

exwBPD: He's such a slob! I did hit him... .  

her mom: He deserved it... .  that freak! He baited you in to it.

exwBPD: Yeah! He called me prison woman.

her mom: Oh what a baby... .  what an idiot. He's such an IDIOT! He probably deserved it.


--------------------------------------------------------

after reading that I immediately drove over to her mom and partners (lesbian) house and exploded and told them everything i knew.

and i said " DO YOU KNOW THE CRAP IVE HAD TO PUT UP WITH? SHE WAS CALLING ME AN IDIOT AND A FREAK AND A BABY OVER AND OVER AND OVER... .  AND NOW I KNOW WHERE IT COMES FROM. HER OWN MOTHER! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE DONE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER? ALL THE RESEARCH I HAVE DONE? ALL THE BS I HAVE PUT UP WITH AND OVERLOOKED TO LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER AND GIVE HER A KIND AND SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE?"

(me balling, crying) I love your daughter and want her to have loving relationships. Don't you? This is so messed up, do you know all I have sacrificed and all i have gone through? Your daughter treats me terribly and now I know why! Not all men are like your love interests! I am a man and i am a human being and men and women are brothers and sisters of the earth and deserve to be treated with love and respect. You teach your daughters to objectify men, and to objectify themselves and that is terrible. Your daughters are beautiful young women who have a full life ahead of them. I can not deal with all the stuff I hear about incest... .  that is why I am here. You need to take your daughters to family therapy and BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE... .  this is terrible. All of this aa and addiction stuff is not going to help your daughter, the person I love and sacrificed for be able to have a healthy relationship. Time to step up to the plate! I mean I went to an inner-city school, and i have NEVER seen anything like this in all of my life. I love this person... .  my special friend... .  your daughter. I am sick from this. Sick. Please encourage her to seek therapy... .  i can not do this anymore. This is too much for me. Please.

Her mom's partner: I can tell that you are a very kind and loving person. ExwBPD has been complaining a lot about you lately... .  

me: She complains about everything and everyone.

her: Well that's true... .  She is very hard to live with... .  I couldn't do it... .  I mean sometimes shes very fun and bubbly, but most of the time... .  well she's very difficult to live with.

me: Well. I understand, but its just part of her dysfunctional behavior... .  if she goes to therapy and gets help ... .  she can get better. I know it's hard for you to understand... .  

her: You know what the problem is? the problem is I just like you a lot, I think you are going to be successful, and I think that she is very confused and has never stuck with anything in her life and it is going to take all of her strength and focus to overcome this addiction. Also the fact that I like you hasn't been a great thing... .  it's created problems in her and my mom's relationship which i have to protect ( i think my ex's mom has BPD or NPD... shes heavily medicated)

me: Without therapy... .  i am very concerned about her ability to overcome her addictions, whatever they are aside from just alcohol and drugs. She sits on facebook for 12 hours a day. Hops from one person to the next like they are nothing.

her: I agree with you 100%. you know, you deserve to be treated well in a relationship too... .  I can tell that you love exwBPD very much, but exwBPD and her mother are very close... .  and this doesn't look good.

me: I am not here to talk about our rs... .  I am here because I am worried about this person's life. I don't care about a relationship right now! She is drunk and dying in my room right now... .  how come nobody warned me about this, this is too much for me too handle. Why is her family not doing anything... .  I mean i know her mom has had an abusive childhood, but the way that my exwBPD has been treated by her family is shameful. You guys let her live in a place with her drunk aunt and her cousin who molested her as a little girl? Her sister hits her... .  and i can see sadistic tendencies between them.

me: Oh and by the way, i know about all your dirty secrets, (to exwBPD's mom) ... .  I see how obsessed you are with child molesters... .  

Her mom: Ive heard enough... .  im not gonna sit here and listen to this anymore. What about yourrrrrrrrrrrr psychological problems? How dare you.... .  get out of my house. you are never allowed here back again.

Me: You know what your problem is? I care more about your daughter than her own friggin mother!"

Then I slammed the door.

(Oh and by the way... .  after this they still thought i was gonna be with her and were okay with it.)


Ex (when she realized what i had done after talking to her mom) : "How dare you go over to my mom's house and pull them in to our crap. You are nothing to me. You are just a lover... .  that is not your place. You are nothing in my life"

later in the evening... .  

Ex: You know you just have really bad timing... .  

Me: What do you mean?

Her: Nothing. Are you working late tonight?


... .  

Stoic83,

Amazing stuff. You've done some courageous things. You lost your temper—rightfully, sort of like Jesus in the temple with the money-changers—. You did what you felt you had to do, and I think you will find many people here who understand and some who have done the same.

But of course it can't go on like this. As you know too well, it isn't just one person with BPD sometimes. Maybe most of the time. It's a family system. I've also personally had to pull out of my own family system and then out of the family system of a pwBPD whose children I was helping to raise. These family systems need help, but we can't do it from the inside, unfortunately. We have to get out first, and see to our own wounds. Because they have wounded us. Several people together will have complex weaving of magical realities, and they'll gang up on people who challenge that reality.

I'm glad you read clearman's T's summary of the disorder. I think considering what that means, deeply, can help a lot. I suggest you look at the other main summary pages on this site if you haven't already. The ones that really helped me the most were 10 myths we tell ourselves that get us stuck:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462

(the 10 beliefs are Lesson 2, but the whole series of lessons is useful).

And the progress of the romantic relationship with a BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I'm not sure of your current situation.  Do you have a T yourself? Might be a good idea, it's hard to detach from a whole family system, if that is what you decide to do.

PP 

hey prettyplease, that was a great response... .  i've tried to detach from my FOO several times... .  but i kept getting ~ back since they thought my raw intelligence would translate to immediate money to pay from them all. It's pretty sad when you realize that all you were to your parents was an extension of themselves, or an investment?

In anycase i am seeing a T twice a week... .  she is definitely helping, I can tell she is frustrated with my negative thought patterns right now... .  and thinking I am only valuable for what i do, and not who i am.

We discovered, that I used to love getting beat up as a kid... .  like a badge of honor. I would have the other kids punch me in the arm, or drop kick me in the arm... .  I felt like such a bad ass. Lol.

Being labeled as "gifted" and obviously way more advanced than the other kids my age ( I was reading charles dickens in 2nd grade, taught myself how to read, was walking as an infant... etc.) Has left me feeling no acceptance from anywhere. I mean i didn't get along with the kids in the gifted program (hey startrek and history was just not my thing in elementary school/middle school). Girls liked me, but my mom would always say they were ugly or disgusting so I would stay away from them.

I've had a few stalker/aggresive/possesive types in my life, and those are the women I have gotten involved with sometimes... .  

I have such an aversion to hitting on women due to the fact that I feel like a total creepo, pervert, jerkwad for approaching a woman... .  so my previous strategy was to let them come to me.

This hasn't worked out very well.

I have built a relationship with my aunt and uncle who are philanthropic and child psychologists living in hawaii. They have been amazing to me, and i only started recently talking to them after i realized that my mom degrading and insulting my uncle... .  was really to keep me away from him, because he knows my mom is not 100% and that he would have tried to help me when i was younger if my mom didn't call him a "pedophile" etc.

I am seeing the T twice a week right now... .  I am a little wary of her, but hopefully it will be okay. I am scared she has BPD or something... .  and went in to the field to self-treat herself... .  I met girls w/ BPD studying psychology before (2 of them).

Best Regards,

Stoic

Hi Stoic83,

It sounds like you're started on a good path and you just need some support to keep going on it. Congratulations on what you've done so far. I also had the 'gifted child' thing and it wasn't until I was past 40 that I stumbled into a class about therapy (supposedly I was learning how to do it) in which I learned about "Beliefs of confidence". And all those beliefs about being smarter at x, better at Y, (or able to take punches from anybody  lol ), I began to realize were problems in my life, not strengths. I had internalized things from my FOO. Sure, I could get such and such a result on an intelligence test, but all that really told me, when I finally realized it, was that 30 million people in North America were smarter than I was.  :) ). It didn't tell me anything about responsibility, kindness, boundaries. It didn't tell me anything about how to get along with other people or how to be happy.

And it fed right into my enabler/caregiver/covert narcissist dynamic that dances so well with BPD people.

My only concern from your last post is about your misgivings about your T. Maybe it would be good to try a new T? Maybe a male, since you seem to have a series of issues about females (especially if you think they have BPD)? Or at least, since you're concerned about this, ask your T if she has BPD directly? She should at very least know what it is, and whether she has it.

If you can't even be sure of that much with her, then you'd likely be best elsewhere (regardless of gender). 

PP

I'm sorry, but that sounds like she split you. It's not about you. Even though she makes it to be. It's not. The eventually split EVERYONE who gets close to them and you have nothing to do with it! She said "she knew this would happen" thats because it happens with everyone for her. Not you. Don't believe anything she says.

OMG - are you sure you wern't married to my wife?  Almost word for word on most of those statements.

The first ppart was so close to word by word... .  I'm wondering if they are given a script when their brains get rewired... .  lol... .  thought I would try to put a little humor in such a dark subject

Hey man,

Thanks for the post. I am not sure that I am a holy covert narcissist... .  lol. I just am an idealist... .  i get that from my philosophy major. Hey what can I say ignorance is bliss. However I like being compared to jesus, he was a good jew. LOL.

I think that sounds a lot like my mother (covert holy narcissist, always trying to appear better than everyone else)... .  anyways after the rs with the exwBPD combined with no social mirroring from working from home with the same business partner ive seen every day for the past year... .  is sending my shattered ego haywire. I am reaching for anything that makes me feel good about myself... .  If I was a beautiful woman, I would want to feel like I was beautiful again... .  after a man decimated my self esteem. Especially since a beautiful woman is probably taught at a young age by society that her beauty is her most important quality... .  if I were to tell this woman she were ugly and she were to believe me... .  I am sure it would hurt her very badly as well. Is she narcissistic for overvaluing her beauty? Or is she just reflecting what the social mirror has told her for her whole life. It would take a lot TO convince this woman that she was ugly... .  but compliments of her beauty would be met with disdain as she ages... .  she doesn't want to be valued for her beauty anymore... .  she wants to be valued for who she is as a person, what value can she provide to the herd? Where is her role?

I believe like I said, that I am suffering from learned helplessness. Instead of complaining, I need to be more proactive. If I have healthy boundaries and take care of myself first in a healthy selfish way, then I can start to help others. I need to be more expressive of how I feel about the people in my life (the few) in a positive way. Let them know from time to time what I appreciate about them... .  etc.

Everytime my FOO has creeped back in to my life, I got duped in to making poor life decisions. The exwBPD found me in "control me" mode to some extent... .  well she worked me in to that mold... .  i dislike being controlled. It was very easy to control me by insulting my morality and inflating my wounded ego... .  true I am not a martyr, and I did not feel like one until she sobered up and I saw that it was not the alcohol exasperating her symptoms, but her self-medicating.

I have always felt like I have a special purpose... .  is that narcissistic. What are people supposed to be motivated by? Why would anyone want to make a difference, to make things better? This is a violent, highly unconscious world we are living in right now... .  is it not (well world of humans)?

Clearly to balance out the herd, some of us have to eat ~. Since we are all one... .  and some of us are causing a lot of pain and destruction, is narcissism or codependency the driving force in the people who balance that out? Should I only help others who help me, and let the others die off... .  or over breed suffocating anybody with restraint over having too many children that they can't afford?

Is my goal to become average? Or is my goal to diminish my ego and heal the narcissistic wounds from my FOO.

Clearly you've touched on a soft spot for me... .  I think this relationship brought any codependent and narcissistic tendencies I have to the surface and beat me over the head with them.

I never used to be like this... .  I used to be very trusting and honest... .  not to be good, but because that's just the way I was... .  i've always stood up for the little guy, but never for myself. I have managed to be attracted to people who remind me of FOO and it has made things worse for me The people I have gotten close to, usually treat me very poorly.

I never intended on sacrificing that much for anybody else... .  I didn't spoil my exwBPD or spend a lot of money on her. I iinvested emotional energy... .  because I empathized with her, me being a victim of oppression and abuse as well. I wanted to make her pain go away, because I felt it and it sucks for her to feel like that. I should've walked away but it didn't seem like she was hopeless at the time, at times she seemed completely fine! I didnt know anything about BPD... .  

i was aware hers was much more severe than mine. I guess in the end the wise decision would have been to keep my nose out of it... .  but it seemed to be a worthy cause at the time. I have seen others come back from dark times, to good times... .  I was not aware of the severity in to a few years in.

In either case. My concerns now are finding healthier outlets for my positive emotions of love, and anger against oppression. I should have gotten out when I was in a healthier mode after the first breakup... .  but then I never would have reached this level of introspection... .  exploring my narcissitic and codependent tendencies. I will never make someone who isn't my teammate so important to the point where if i am investing energy in to helping somebody it should be benefiting me as well in an ideal situation.

Right now, I am aware that I am "reaching" for anything to make me feel good. Well in the past, the positive mirroring for being smart made me feel really good... .  but nowadays I am looking for people who love me for who I am, not what I am... .  since you and I are easily recognized as being labeled "smart" that is always a factor. I don't like being "smart" I did not ask for this? I do not think I am better or more deserving of anyone else. I've never felt like I belonged because of it.

In fact, I was just stating that I have underdeveloped social skills... .  that may have been developed from being praised for something I had no control over, and also ridiculed for something i had no control over (namely that I was "smart" or different to the other little kids... .  separate, weird). So thats why i feel it might have been easier for me to fall in to this relationship.

On top of that, Im extremely insecure right now due to the fact I work from home and spend time around entrepreneurs, who are mostly driven by money. Just justifying. Triggered me a little... .  because I don't want to be any kind of narcissist... covert, inverted, upside down... .  but i guess rationalizing wouldn't make it not so... .  if i am then i am... .  I am 29 years old. Society breeds narcissim these days... .  listen to music, watch the shows, watch the news!

I am trying to live up to my ideals, and it is not always easy to find a balance between humility and healthy pride. I might appear to be proud to you, but I am just reaching right now... .  it's a sad sight im sure. I used to be a lot more humble than I am acting right now... that is for sure.

Well, if i am at my worst... .  i guess it can only get better from here:)

Regards,

Stoic

Hold on there!     :)

I meant what I said: "... .  it fed right into my enabler/caregiver/covert narcissist dynamic... .  "

My. That's me. Note that I didn't mention you. You're welcome to think about it, but there are plenty of people who interact with BPDs who aren't narcissists. I had two clearly N parents, so I was sho' in. I don't know if you're the same. And besides, even if you were (and I'm not saying you are; "only his T knows for sure"  lol) it's a great thing to discover what our wounds from the FOO are. Then we can learn how to detach gracefully, and get on with our lives with healthier people.

In my case that was about how a particularly strong 'trauma bond' is formed between BPD and caregiver-narcissists, which I'm pretty sure is what happened to me (in two different r/s). Children of N parents need to understand before they can detach, so they have a hard time doing so, because the BPD is incomprehensible (at least, until they end up here and learn the BPD pattern in r/s with nons).

But again, that's me, not necessarily you. If you study the 10 ways we get stuck (in the Lessons) you might find which ones seem to apply to you, and get further links from there.

And... .  bottom line after reading your stories: don't feel bad about yourself. You seem like a worthwhile person who is somehow managing to free themselves from a very convoluted an abusive FOO. Good work so far.  |iiii

PP

Jeeze --- at least reading these stories I know q (we) are not alone.

With me I was near the end of a one year r/s ... .  1st half great (except frequent sudden detachments followed by great make up sex) ... .  2nd half like walking through mud (she was starting to devalue me).

She could pay her mortgage as she couldn't hold a job. I was bailing her out until I was broke. Finally she moved in with me for a wonderful week ... .  I was the best man in the world and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me ... .  then one night watching TV she stood up said this is a creepy show and left. Came back the next day and picked up her stuff. That was basically it ... .  she moved back in with her abusive drug and sex addict husband.