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I asked myself this question tonight.  Why am I so stupid?  I am in the middle of a divorce with an uBPDw.  Tonight I needed to take my daughter to practice since my soon to be ex was sick.  She was all sweet and said thanks by a text.  I replied anything for our daughter - not meaning anything mean by it - but saying I would always be willing to do anything for our daughter.  All hell broke loose - why was I so stupid by breaking my rule of LC - with that one reply - All blame was shifted on me for how horrible I was, how everything was my fault.  UGH - why did I reply?

How did she interpret "anything for our daughter" in a way that caused all hell to break loose?

Cal:  take it easy.  I don't see stupid.  i see a decent caring father and husband who is committed to trying to the do the right thing.

i also see a man who acted with grace, compassion and respect toward the mother of his daughter.  

We never know how our exes will react.  thus the walking on egg shells. If you didn't say anything back, she might have painted you black as well.

As you said, your ex was ill.  When my ex was sick or stressed, the mere presence of my body was a giant excuse to project anger and shame.

So, the issue may be, what is the best response to our triggers from our exes disorder.

Part of this for me has been learning that emotions are neither good nor bad but rather our responses to our emotions that determines the productive or destructive outcomes. And it helps to be mindful of my reactions.

One way to keep mindful is to remember that the disorder does not really discriminate.  The painting us black is not personal. It's anyone to whom our exes actually feel some attachment and vulnerability.  In addition,try to  have compassion for her as she's just a disordered terrified three year old.  And just as a sick toddler would rage, our exes rage, but are only worse because they also live in terror and shame.  It doesn't mean that we should take abuse or like it, but maybe if our responses to their rages are mindful, then our triggers won't affect us so destructively.  

It sound like you are on the right path and a good father.  Like you said, anything for your daughter, even learning how to interact with her mother.

In support

SP

So true SP.  Sadly one of the areas where I fell down.  My responses were often far from mindful.  Hopefully my replacement is better at that than me.

She took that responce - anything for my daughter - as she is a horrible person and I would never do anything for her.  I didn't mean it that way at all - but that's what she heard... .  

Who cares what she thinks. Focus on you and your daughter.

You are not stupid  . You said something very normal, and she took it that way. Let her take it that way. Haven't we all watched our words and tried to say the most innocent things in the way they couldn't find any reason in them to attack? And haven't we all failed, miserably, time after time, and blaimed ourselves for not being able to avoid those attacks? I spent once a DAY trying to figure in my head how to say he must do something he promised me he'll do. After that day I was so angry, because it is not normal to have to think a day what to say to a person who did not do what he promised. I could have accepted it if the issue would be something important, like: "honey , I just got a new job in Australia". That is worth to think a whole day. That really made me to see what my life will always be with him, and how he controlled me. I watched my every word, and it was useless, he just found some other way to light the bonfires.

Cal Well I don't think you are stupid.  You sent a text that would innocuous in 99 out of a 100 times with 99 out of 100 people. 

You are divorcing... .  she's going to feel a lot of ways and probably communicate harshly, with attitude or blame, etc.  There's a bit of truth to her statement though considering you are divorcing and all, and quite frankly you shouldn't be doing things for her emotionally.  She doesn't have to like it, but that is what happens when people get divorced... .  they are no longer obligated, dependent, etc.

New boundaries and ways to interact with her is going to help you... .  she's going to do these types of things for awhile.

Hang in there.

Cal, you are no where near stupid ~ your bicycle is fitted with training wheels! It takes time and trial and error to understand the best way to go about things.

You now know something that you didn't before - chalk it up to experience my friend!


Maybe, maybe not! Given the unpredictable nature of BPD it could have been something from way back that triggered. Never assume a trigger... .  

Yes - I am stupid - the last text I sent was - do you love me - be 100% honest.  She had an EA and chose to continue this over her family (before I knew about her BPD) here is her answer - Not the way you want or deserve to be. I told u that b4. I'm not capable of making myself feel what it doen't. I hurt for our loss but with the meaness we inflicted on each other after seperation closed me completly off.  U know how I am. I surrounded myself w a huge wall and I'm not taking it down. I don't know how and I honestly don't know if I want to. I'm too scared and am 100% not willing at this time to take that risk.

Cal, often when we separate from our partners we turn to them to help us feel better. Its unfortunate that the very person we turn to is not capable of supporting their own feelings/emotions let alone to understand ours.

Try to find some other ways to self-soothe - so instead of making contact what is something nice you can do for yourself?

AND

Remind yourself again about the facts of what your relationship really was like. Get mad!