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Been reading more stuff here again, and got a  :light:.

Cheesy romantic fantasy was what my exBF aimed for. And same time he wanted the  freedom to abuse me if he had to  "vent". I have a bad feeling he hit his ex (when we met he said his ex was lying to people saying he hit her, but he did not care because it is a fat lie), and he definitely was near to hit me. That was where I draw the line, he never tried again.

Point: I dragged him down from his fantasy, again and again. I don't like cheesy romantic stuff, it is BS for me.  I rather take a bread, or bag of apples. You see what I mean? And I always tell it. Time after time I heard him saying over-romantic fantasy stuff, and I knew it had nothing to do with reality. I was abused, and he covered it with sugar. I had a feeling I was an actor in his Romantic Movie called "mr. H is in the relationship" , where he has a main role and I'm in a very small part. I told him that once. It was horrible, horrible for me to hear all this sweet-talking after a period of abuse, and "how he sees how much he loves me and how he sees how he believes in us" (see, MeMeMe). I dragged him down, and often. And I could be rude and glib. I happen to like reality. I was sick to my stomack to hear all that nonsense about how much he loves me, how happy I make him, how he appreciates my efforts to make him happy (!). BS. And every time I dragged him down from his fantasy, he was hurt to the core and I was a horrible person with no empathy.

When he dumped me after 2,5 months living together, we were talking about trying again (God I'm thick). He sent me a message, that made me furious:"I miss our home and our time there together. I really would like to have a second chance to show you how much I appreciate the cosy feeling you give me".   This after a weekend where he spent two days torturing me with blackmailing, threats and emotional abuse of all kinds. This is best he thinks of me? I make him feel cosy? How about asking what he can do to make things better? Again it was all about him, and I'm just in a small part by accident.

Now I understand why I felt so small with him. Deep inside myself I knew I was never there. He had replaced me with fantasy.

Thoughts and insights would be appreciated now. Thanks for letting me get this out from my chest  lol looks like I'm back at angry-stage.

 

Ta-hol,

once in 4 years of marriage and r/s I requested a love letter from my H. He rarely told me those cheesy romantic words so I wanted to have something tangible.

At first he argued loudly against doing this for me-FOR my Birthday- that it was "asked for and not inspired-so it wouldn't be RIGHT". He had a lot of reasons WHY he shouldn't have to do this for me.

Finally 3 weeks later-he's not working mind you, and I was... .  

I got a list-like a kid would make up, printed off the PC.

A list of things that I did for him... .  made him laugh, cooked his meals, told him how wonderful he was, rubbed his back and feet... .  and on and on.

Not a word about MY qualities or my attractiveness, or why he really loved me.

It was really eye opening. I was stunned. I was there, in his life as a faithful SERVANT!

So I get that fantasy part. My HUSBAND lived in his own head about Love. Totally.

My HUSBAND always said he expected an Ideal Love and if it wasn't PERFECT, then it wasn't Love.

No room in my H's head for me.   lol

GL

Unbelievable. I heard this exactly same! With almost same words even. I wonder why we were not worthy of this ideal love? Seriously, how self-centered can a man be?

I did not get a printed list, but I heard all the time "I like when you do that, I like when you say that, I like you when you are like that, I like you yadda-yadda". Maybe this was his way of being nice to me. I did not like it, but who cares.

This really happened: I asked him what he loved most about me, and his answer was " you bring me a cup of coffee, I don't even have to ask for it", with TEARS in his eyes  

A servant... .  that's exactly it, GL.  I worked, took on EXTRA work.  Made more money last year than ever before, just me.  And yet I am broke right now (freelancer with erratic pay).  I did not pay quarterly last year and so I may end up owing more in taxes this year than I might even EARN.  He sat on his butt and played video games.  Claimed that between his bipolar, PTSD, OCD and diabetes with neuropathy he was limited at what jobs he could take, and there were just none out there.  

He cooked, but it was only because his cooking was better than mine.  I did, quite literally, everything else (You name a chore, I did it--cleaning, getting the mail, bill paying, cat care, errands... .  ).  I also gave backrubs, footrubs, indulged in his particular kinks, paid for his medical expenses, made sure he saw a therapist, got us to counseling, treated him to wonderful restaurants, and bought him whatever he wanted for his expensive hobbies (that he pointedly asked me NOT to share with him so he could have "something for him).

In return I got cheated on with over a dozen women (mostly online, thank goodness, no chance of STDs), my computer smashed, my walls punched, art destroyed, screamed at, threatened with suicide, and choked three times.

Much, much of that went away in the last year, where he was really trying.  I think he got "over" a lot of that, because it was a reaction to the GF before me.  He has a job now, he is taking care of his health by exercising, he seems calmer in general (got his meds adjusted a year ago and that seemed to help.)  Life has sent him some curveballs in the last few months and he's dealing with them very well.  His therapist (whom I pay for) thinks they can stop counseling for long periods of time now.

Even so... .  too much water under that bridge.  Though I am a compassionate enough person to be glad he is doing  better.  Wish I were the one meeting him now, instead of the one who met him 4 years ago.  There were some really, really wonderful times.  

Ta-hol,

My H's bottom line was he liked things I did- but could barely relate his appreciation to me as a person-just to the acts I performed for him.

I felt like a buddy, sometimes, or a trusted employee just working for him.

Yet he was over the top gushing about his AA/NA friends or new co-workers that were women-they were FABULOUS and wonderful and awesome! He glorified them. I heard how amazing they were all the time.

I never ever heard those words about me, as his lover and wife. And I am by no means ugly, unkind, unattractive or "less than" those women.

He always said I was his Best Friend but he treated me like his Worst Enemy at the end when he was done with me. If I had done something like lie, cheat or  waste his money I guess it would make sense-but I was just... .  there. Married to him. Until he decided otherwise.

Lack of closure and the complete senselessness still confounds me. At times.

But I am not losing sleep over it anymore. 12 weeks out.

GL

I know I didn't allow the fantasy. I think many us here didn't or at least at some point we demanded reality. That's when they left fantasyland and went to adeventureland to find fantasyland. And the cycle continues... .  

GL

I't was same to me, I start to wonder if we were in the same relationship  :) I guess that is why it is called a Disorder.

After one of his rages I said to him that I would understand his behaviour if I had done something to him: cheated him, emptied his bank-account, spred lies about him, anything. But I really did not. I did definitely  nothing to deserve the abuse... .  I was just there. I did not even nag! Hm. It is strange that even I ended the r/s (for the last time, we were both good in dumping eachother), I feel like he has betrayed and abandoned me.

Mine's fantasy = me being his faithful, loyal devotee and personal worshipper!   

I really get what you're saying about playing a "bit-part" in his movie!  Soo many times I felt like he was trying to be the puppet-master and woe betide if you didn't follow the script he'd already prepared in his manipulative, narcissistic head 

So true, when I started wanting more of the fantasy he fed me, I soon was discarded like I was never there. Wish it didn't hurt so much  :'(