BPDFamily.com

Skype Consultation with PA SPecialist reveals name of one attorney she can reccommend and one CE (who has TERRIBLE reviews).

PA Specialist liked the CE "because she came to my workshop".

PA Specialist was comfortable eating up my time  telling me horror stories of other couple's situations which offered me nothing new and were not applicable to my case other than 'the courts are absurdly blind'. And I should buy her book. Nobody great, no good news about the rural courts I'm in.

My consultation with the retired CE was grueling. He has known me throughout and validated my state of recovery which was nice,

Im realizing he is way more useful and cheaper at this stage than my lawyer. He knows these courts and the region including individuals.

He played devils advocate with me re my "relocation" plan. Showed me enough holes in my plan and ways it could even look in UBPDH favored for custody and ME get visitation. (UBPDX will portray isolated village as "mayberry" Scared the **** out of me.

He encouraged me to get d10's psych eval next. (been arguing with BPDDRDAD since June about this)

Secondly I prepare more for the evaluation with my "plan".

I am suggesting a major change for d10 from status quo. It is a sweet tiny mountain  village with lots of recreation ,everyone knows and loves her, tiny creative k-12 school la ti da. Organic outdoor recreation lifestyle, Activities everynite,lots of music,  :)ad is EVERYONE'S Doctor. Mom nearby when he is on call... .  a perfect world for a child, and an UBPDDRDAD.


We have no spiritual community in Canada. we maintained spiritual community in our home in the US.

It is tiny isolated village and the main jobs are the hospital or the school. Economicaly depressed,recreation village,  mostly retired folks and vacation homes.

tiny poor school 4-5-6 combined class (sounds so quaint) out of control dominated with behavior issues much of the time, she is exhausted from school and so many activities.

geographic isolation creates barriers to access for counseling or ANYTHING not offered here.

on one hand d10 is beloved on the other hand BPDDRDAD is sexually acting out porn addict not in recovery, his girlfriend from his 3 way relationship is now pregnant, d10 has no anonimity from his drama. Now "we broke up and its not my baby", he is everyones doctor and I am ostrasized which causes d10 anxiety/distress.

I am emotionally recovering from the ostrasization, but there is NOTHING tO DO HERE, unless you are a mountain dew person, which I am not.I am partially disabled so extreme sports are out, I cant even hike, really. i am an extrovert. I worked as a private practitioner for 25 years until  d10's birth  and dropped all my credentials to stay home to homeschool. so I have some rebuilding to do workwise at 53.

We are americans , permanant residents in rural canada.

Im suggesting I leave Canada and take d10 back to the US. 450 miles (6 hours away) to home.

where:

My 3 married kids (from previous marriage) and 3 grandkids are (d10 is VERRY close to SIBLINGS) 32,28,26

(2 of my 3 adult children and their spouses refuse contact with UBPDH)

My elderly mother

all my friends 30 years

our spiritual community (30 year connection for me, d10 lifelong connection)

university access, more population and work potential for me to get re-established with support network.

variety school options, public schools crappy , but cool alternatives d10 is  attracted to.

I raised/homeschooled my 3 successful adult kids , co-parenting 14 years with my first ex their father

I stayed there so they could be near dad. But I had community,family and could work.

My heart says "go home to your people", it is familiar. I have connections and support.

100,000 people instead of 400.

I would be losing my groovy health care, organic, pristine mountain environment, all the things I moved here for, but its not paradise anymore

the pond is poison.

Or is it?

What if the judge wont go for me taking her out of this village?

I would be stuck here, she would be stuck 50/50 or god forbid less time for me somehow.


d10 has recently felt safe enough to express to me she wants to move home to US with me "if i get to see daddy alot still".

she does not ever say what we here all know.

we could not laugh outloud in our home for years and had chronic diarrhea until I got out of the pressure cooker.

she has to go back still.

she may not cognitively remember the details but her SOUL KNOWS.

She has a 10 minute speech about wanting to go home to the states and it ended with "can we go tomorrow?"

When I hear her sweet voice say that I KNOW SHE NEEDS OUT!

It makes me want to gamble the $50,000.00 on the trial

but if i were to lose I could sure use the 50,000 if we are stuck here, I am not leaving her anywhere with him .

I was hoping the move would shift us out of 50/50.

I would love to start there... .  but relocation seems the only way.

another thing from the CE consult

He basically said

Abuse happens

It will fall on the kids resiliency and remain the kid's issue

unless some assessment forces a change,

CE's ride  the fence.


He also said


DO NOT CHANGE ATTORNEYS. You WILL look like trouble to the courts, I have already changed once.

I know you are in a crappy situation. 

But some of what he says is true. I'm realizing that us nons fall just as much into thinking we are the "all-good" parent as the people with BPD do. So in our minds, the kid being with us 450 miles away from Dad is the perfect solution and the best for her. Your EX sees it the opposite way.

I can totally get your desire to be out of that town and back with your family; but, you did make a decision to move there and have a child with him, and that can't necessarily be undone so easily. The reality is that you will have to have some sort of compromise situation and I don't know what that is.

Maybe you decide you can be a healthier mom if you live in the US and split custody long-distance with him. Not ideal by any means, but if the alternative is you falling apart and not being there for her emotionally if you stay in that tiny town, then it may be best.

Or maybe you decide you can stick it out another 8 years or until she's old enough to make the decision on her own and the courts will honor it.

I now realize too that the relationship with his BPDmom is SS13's lot in life. We can only do so much to mitigate it, the rest he will have to figure out on his own. The courts are not going to see it "my way" and tell his mother she can have nothing to do with him (nor will they go the other way and cut us out), so we ALL have to learn to live with it.

Sorry, it's hard to have to live like that.  :'(