BPDFamily.com

Stbexw with diagnosis of abandonment issues, I.E. BPD, showed up on my doorstep the other night. She was distraught. I'm in apartment. She's in my house awaiting divorce. Her brother told her after divorce she could move to a home near him-would be closer to her kids. Its also near her ex husband which would have been nice for the kids. She shares custody with her ex husband. That day she called her brother and he informed her it would be better for her not to move down there. She was devastated. Another form of abandonment. I have remained in contact with her. Hard to let go. But i have been clear that I will move forward with divorce. She showed about midnight on my doorstep. Crying. Distraught. I should have sent her home, but didn't. Sex happened. It was awesome. It didn't change my direction. I'm divorcing. However as you may guess it provided her hope. Now she won't stop. She is blowing up my phone. Being nasty then sweet. Says I don't like her to be nice. That means that if she says she wants sex and I say no that I don't like nice. I have opened a can of worms. She says she will do all in her power to keep me til day divorce is final. Says if threats and distortions are enough to intimidate me then she is happy to keep me under those circumstances. I asked her if she would have me involuntarily. Knowing I want away from her. Knowing i would be theer only to stop her threats and distortions. She said yes. She would keep me. Even if it were bondage for me. Man. I'm stuck.

Sorry to hear you going through this.

All I can say is: Stop trying to make her see reason. Not going to happen. She has her own world in which it is perfectly acceptable to hold you hostage against your will.

Also, realize that "before divorce final" and "after divorce final" are not relevant perspectives in terms of you going and staying NC with her. Nobody can force you to have contact. Cut contact now and restrict contact to documented channels (e-mail, text).

Decide what your boundaries are and try to stick with them. Every time you give in, you are encouraging her to up the ante and at some point the extinction burst might become dangerous to you or her.

You will likely not be free until you let go of the idea that you can make her see reason. You will likely not be free until you accept that she may try to paint you as the bad guy or slander your name. Once you stop caring about that - and decide to let the police deal with someone you don't want knocking at your door in the middle of the night - you will be free.

She is holding a gun loaded with your fear and your guilt to your head. Yes, they could hurt, but they are your fear and your guilt. They are yours. You can disarm them. You can take away her power by not playing into her game any more and accepting that you have no control over, nor responsibility for her actions. If necessary, get a restraining order.

Good luck.

My situation is similar.  He was begging me to take him back, it was heart wrenching.  I have actually developed health problems while dealing with this.  He finally left amidst many tears last November.  Within two weeks he was sleeping with someone else, he says to get over me.  Then he came back again, at first I didn't know about the new g/f.  There was sex, then I found out.  I was devastated.  I don't want this man in my life, but his ability to pull me back in is owning me.  Now he says he has ended his new relationship, he can't over me... .  ever.  He gives me a few days of peace... .  and then wham he reaches out again.  I delete his emails and texts, trying not to read them.  I don't contact him... .  but he is so persistent.  Maybe this time I'll succeed.  It's 1 1/2 days since the last time I participated in emailing.  The longest I've gone is a week, and I felt so good in just 1 week.  The good news is, he doesn't show up at my door anymore.  But you know the sick part of all this, the co-dependent me still wishes he would sometimes.

However, the part of me that is healing knows how much happier I am without him and that part of me is getting stronger every day.  After each round with him, I recover my balance faster.  This will end.

Thank you for your perspective. I wanted the sex too. I have been able to resist. In her broken state I caved. Subconsciously I knew it was wrong. I have never reached out to her. But I do respond. It's hard. I will be away from her. I have to. But yes she and I see different. What I can take as a last fling and enjoy for its own merits to her says there is still a chance. I have had trouble with boundaries. I have occasionally been weak. If she would not contact me I would never contact her. Se says to expect her to leave me alone is asking too much. She sends me hundreds of photos of our life. Even while spewing venom. I guess I just keep expecting this BPD to go away. The disease doesn't work like that. I'm slow to learn. Just hard to believe someone would tell u that under lock and key is acceptable. It's sick

Awake. Seems we r in similar spots. Two nights ago I wouldn't respond. My dad is in the hospital. I was on phone with family-who do not want her around- for much of the night. When I didn't immediately respond she got angry and sent a barrage of nasty texts calling me rude, etc. when she found out I was on phone and had news dad near death(terminal lung cancer) she changed her tune. Wanted to be with me. To console me. This after all her vitriol. I wouldn't respond to her. She came to my apartment three times. Rang doorbell. Banged on my windows. She felt justified because I was weak. I gave in and had sex. I wanted to comfort her in her time of need. She has informed me she is not going away. Says she knows I want her. That she felt love when we had sex. So for these reasons she intends to hold on now. Says if she has a glimmer of hope that no boundary will be honored. That she will contact me. That I am powerless to stop it il day our divorce is final. And I feel it won't stop then. Everyone says they line up a new victim. She started to then he went with someone else. And says it was only to make me jealous and make me want her. I'm afraid for NC. One because she will become more intense. Two because she will begin to sleep with all her men she has waiting. Not ready to deal with that. And yes-that's my issue to work on. It's essential I learn to not think that way.

May be confusing. The sex was several nights prior. I think it was Sunday. Tuesday is when she showed again when I declined to answer calls and texts because dealing with da. I think that night she sent 30 plus texts and twenty plus phone calls.