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My T - shared this with me today.  It's funny he didn't know how this got there when he was pulling out some other tools for me to use - but this was sitting on the top of all his files - he said God must have wanted him to give this to me.  He couldn't understand how it got there as he hasn't given this sheet out to anyone for a long time. I hope it helps you like it did me.


To let go does not mean to stop caring - it means I can't do it for someone

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another

To LG is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences

To LG is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome in not in my hands

To LG is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most out of myself

To LG is not to care for, but to care about.

To LG is not to fix, but to be supportive

To LG is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being

To LG is not to be in the middle arraging all the outcomes, but allow others to affect their own destiny.

To LG is not to be protective, it to permit another to face reality

To LG is not to deny, but to accept

To LG is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead search my own shortcommings and correct them

To LG is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it

To LG is not to critisize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be

To LG is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future

To LG is to fear less and to love more

I felt a twinge when I read:   "to LG is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences".  Also, "to LG is not to fix, but to be supportive".

Thanks for posting. 

thank you for sharing this with all of us. I have copied and will hang it up to read every day.

I woke today up knowing I had to "let go". I said the words out loud to my uBPDbf with as much compassion as possible.

I mustered the courage to begin a process to honor myself. It hurts. His return words hurt. But, less than letting go.

again, thank you. I look forward to sorting out myself and the lessons I have learned.

"Letting Go" is a big one.

It's nearly impossible. Especially when the person with BPD can't or won't let go. My stbexw will not let me go. I'm miserable.

Wise words indeed. :)

yes!

thank you for posting.

Copied and pasted.  Thank you so much ... .  really needed that today.  :)

I really like the list, cal. I can see how I violated almost every one of those principles. The thing is, I think it's almost impossible to be a partner to someone wBPD and not be codependent. I look at how I could've done these things in the relationship... .  and I truly couldn't... .  I don't think that makes me codependent. I think that makes me human. I think the key for me is realizing, that there is no way I could have been in the relationship and act in a healthy way... .  there would have been no relationship. That is reason enough to get out, and never look back. Now to figure out why I was in it so long... .  well I think that is "learned helplessness". Thanks for sharing this buddy!


Yeah me too... .  it makes me feel guilty for not acting this way in the relationship. It sucks to think about how we made things worse for them... .  I acted so self-righteous in the end.

I didn't want her to go to her aunt's house, because her cousin who molested her when she was 12 and triggered her ptsd or whatever else she had on top of uBPD. She said "this is reality! I have to go... .  it was to handle her dad's assets because he recently passed". I knew it would be traumatizing... .  according to her sister she got in a "fight with him"... .  I get the feeling she acted a lot nuttier around her nutty incestuous family. I guess I should've let her live with the consequences of not avoiding toxic influences in her life... .  hell i should have followed my own advice and let her deal with her own unresolved problems a long time ago.

The sad thing is I don't think pwBPD learn from consequences. I think they run toward them because they feel deserving of them... .  sad.

I think this list should be used to vet out unhealthy relationship partners! Anytime we feel like acting like that, it isn't the right person!

Glad you are healing |iiii

Stoic

Wow... .  I love this, thank you for sharing. 

The thing I kept telling my exBPDbf was:  "All I want is to be good to you."  This is my own personal  red-flag now. 

Who can live that way?  Offering that when being treated like dirt?  In the end, I couldn't.  And I won't in the future. 

Of course, it's a positive thing to want to be good to someone.  But it needs to come from a place of self-esteem and strength.  And the first person you need to want to be good to is yourself.  I refuse to start dating until I've got that down.

A thought... .  that will be my new self-talk mantra.  :) 

Thank you for posting this.  Your T said God must have wanted him to give this to you, I think in my case God needed me to read this.  I will reread over and over until I've finally absorbed it. Thank you again for sharing it with us.