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I think one of the toughest things for me to understand was how for 18 1/2 years I was my wifes Superman.  I was the all good savior for her... .  but in 6 short months I went to being he kryptonite.  But as I look back was I her kryptonite or was she mine?  She always held me back by not allowing me to visit with other people (clingy and super jealous) she always held me back from being even more sucessfull (angry when I achieved and was successful) always refused to let me soar and fly (kept me grounded at home and relationships) ... .  When I look back I may realize that she was my krptonite instead of me being hers. 

Cal its's important that you explore why you were motivated to be her superman.

I appreciate it's a challenging point of view to consider that we victimized ourselves but we have a responsibility in adopting a parent like role for our partners.

If you put yourself in the position of her saviour, and she has BPD, then the natural course of events would mean that she would unleash her supressed anger and rage on you.

You became her trigger, and she yours.

Hey cal ... .  just curious ... .  18.5 years is a really long time, looking back can you say how many of those years were good?  Just trying to understand some stuff.  My ex stayed in his first marriage for 26 years, but he was drunk all the time.  And I mean DRUNK, like hand tremors, bed wetting drunk.  Now it seems like the most he can get out of one person is 4-6 months, longer if they allow him to be drunk all the time.  Not sure if being married and having kids was what made him stay, or if he's just getting worse with age.

Looking back at those 18.5 years - my wife was definately a BPD waif.  We did have issues throughout 3 years in she wanted to fight all the time (1st time she went to counciling) On and off she has probably needed counciling on 6 different ocassions.  5 years ago after a hysterectomy that was her first suicidal attempt.  Honestly though I was the ideal husband - paid her a ton of attention, helped her in her faith, great dad, pretty much gave her what she wanted... .  this last year my brother passed and I went into a depression (she couldn't or chose not to help) - I think that was the first time she saw I wasn't superman.  Looking back though - I was always a great caregiver (I don't know if I was ever her husband).  She held all of her resentment in and told me how she never wanted to be married to me or anyone - She was always the person she thought I wanted to be and never herself.  My T has told me that it shows what an amazing guy I was that it lasted this long.